Of my teeny weeny list of hate mail*, I have another to add. Angry Christian decided to send me a passive-aggressive (?) prayer.
This is the Light of God.
I command you, unclean spirit, whoever you are, along with all your minions now attacking this servant of God, by the mysteries of the incarnation, passion, resurrection, and ascension of our Lord Jesus Christ, by the descent of the Holy Spirit, by the coming of our Lord for judgment, that you tell me by some sign your name, and the day and hour of your departure. I command you, moreover, to obey me to the letter, I who am a minister of God despite my unworthiness; nor shall you be emboldened to harm in any way this creature of God, or the bystanders, or any of their possessions.
Let’s break down the bullsh*t, folks!
Here’s the thing: I understand Christians are told to proselytize and spread the word of their religion, to convert people as if they are playing some very, very weird game of Pokemon Go: Religion Edition. However, they should sincerely stop. Christianity isn’t a dying relic by any stretch of the imagination (there would probably be a lot less wars, abused kids, and dead people all along the LGBT spectrum if so), there really is no need to act like it. It really would not kill anyone to just let others be in their own faith. Literally. Like, Christian history is loaded with going to random places and going “Bible or Massacre, you pick” – even to this very day. The smartest thing to do in this instance is to clean that up and STFU until their own house is in some semblance of order. Every religion has screwed up people and groups but Western Christianity need to learn to put the bullhorn down and focus on their problems – not cover it up. **
Alright, now the actual text:
I command you, unclean spirit, whoever you are, along with all your minions now attacking this servant of God
Man, am I glad I can decipher Christian prayers, otherwise I would just toss this in the “mumbo jumbo” mental (and digital) bin.
I searched my entire email history (very easy to do with a couple clicks!) and this person, Lotus Flower, does not come up at all. New person. Either this person lives in a detailed saga in their head or … they live in a detailed saga in their head. With exception to very few cases (as in, less than three), have I ever done any variation of doing a jinx/hex/curse/hot-foot on anyone. Everyone else, I rather get my lawyers and/or federal agents.

Lawyers: It’s like summoning demons but you sincerely can’t tell the difference
Here’s the thing about me – I don’t tend to attack others. Point out issues and fallacies, sure, but not seek others out for the sole point of bullying and/or derision. I don’t cruise Christian sites and go “You guys stole Yule!” or “Why does Trump exist? Why did you let Trump happen? And Hitler? And … man, we’re gonna be here all day.” Because that’s silly and juvenile. And I’m busy. Sincerely busy – I even miss posting times because of all the stuff I have to do! Why the heck would I go after a no-name nobody for some wild reason?
by the mysteries of the incarnation, passion, resurrection, and ascension of our Lord Jesus Christ … that you tell me by some sign your name, and the day and hour of your departure.
Truncated for brevity, but basically, “You are bothering me, when shall you leave?” Given I’m not actively doing anything to this person, let’s go with “Nothing ever happened to leave from”? This rebuke would be heavy – if it was useful. Oh! and rebukes don’t really work if you email them to other people for roughly the same reason you can’t spend a twenty you just xeroxed – it isn’t legitimate, just a simple copy.
I command you, moreover, to obey me to the letter
Nah.
I who am a minister of God despite my unworthiness
Is it just me or anyone else getting creepy The Preacher/Son of Sam/amoral Puritan pastor vibes? Like, every person I have heard this from usually are thirty seconds to launch in the “religious frenzy” way. It evokes the imagery from the preacher, Mr. Dimmesdale whipping themselves in Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter.
This person probably shouldn’t be a minister if they’re holding this messed up a brain. Everyone has issues, including and especially community leaders, but when you’re reaching Hawthorne-level, that’s a problem.
nor shall you be emboldened to harm in any way this creature of God, or the bystanders, or any of their possessions.
Again, not doing anything to this person or anyone else in terms of magick. Because, again, why would I? Even somebodies I don’t maliciously bother so why would I go after a nobody? I feel like I’m on the weird end of every “I have a witch that is bothering me” letter that I get. Because witches have regular lives as well. Jinxing and fixing takes valuable time, effort and energy. Most people are not worth that.
The person who sent it went by the name Lotus Flower. That’s more Eastern, not Western, based faith. If you’re going to be a douche about people practicing different faiths, don’t hijack others.
This is hardly a concern for me, heck, even breaking it down, it’s not even standard hate mail (yay, something else for my friends and I to vote on). It’s just some person on the internet that emailed me a rebuke as if those work through digital transmission instead of performed. Yes, “they could have performed it” person – true but it’s like a random person getting a restraining order against Idris Elba, not really going to do anything because there was no problem to start with. Therefore, redundant and useless unless you parade it in his very baffled face.
If anything, the person may have been serious but this just comes off as ridiculous and random.
*Seriously, I’ve been running for almost ten years and only got maybe 3-4 pieces of actual hate mail. One was voted as “hate mail” because the English was so garbled and jank, I passed the letter around to my friends who studied everything from linguistics to psychology and even STEM. They majority voted “hate mail” but with a narrow margin. Democracy in action, everyone!
** The concept of “church hurt” exists and I’ve been asked if I’ve experienced it far more than I have ever heard of any concrete ideas to combat it. Dude, I am rarely in churches because I’m not Christian, no, I don’t have “Church Hurt”. But maybe instead of making excuses for it and giving it a name, do something about it for those who have. Not waste breath on me.
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