Black Witch

Let’s get into it. Should have posted this last week but I derped, didn’t check the time of the month and, oh look, derps ahoy. It happens. I received this via the Black Witch Facebook Fan Page. There will be some repeating at the tops and bottoms for consistency and to show the whole conversation.

Ok, let’s get into this. I get a lot of these “[significant other] left me and I want them back, spell plz” inquiries. Overwhelmingly from men – I’m going to touch on the gender part in a minute – and they usually are from someone with zero listening skills, given the way they try to repeat or twist logic. And the royal fact they are doing this with a stranger, which means they definitely were doing this in their relationships. I always suggest therapy to anyone going through relationship issues. Yes, therapy is very unaccessible for quite a lot of people, either because therapists cost too much, there are no therapists for the person’s area, etc, but there are therapy groups online. Not better than a therapist but better than nothing at all. Even getting the Replika AI app might be useful (caution tho, if you have a Black Replika, it will showcase that it definitely has White devs in some startling ways. Also, it repeats itself, all the Replikas do). I say over and over to others that I do not do paid spellwork/Pay for Pray and I do not work on others. Remember, I’m a Witch, not a Genie.

This person says they want their wife back, it sounds like to me like she left. If someone has left the relationship, that’s usually Game Over. “Winning” someone back is generally a bad idea, because unless the person was super immature or childish, they most likely conveyed that there were problems in one way or another throughout the relationship so all the opportunities to do any winning is pretty much gone. It’s easier to fix a relationship that is making a downward spiral than it is to fix a relationship that has crashed and splattered all over the ground. Not “easy”, simply easier than starting from total destruction. There is no fancy method, all the sappy movies that star White dudes who have zero sense of self or reality (running around with boomboxes, screaming in the rain, dashing through the airport, etc) sold guys a major lie: “I can screw up as much as I want and when things finally flatline and I successfully chase someone I care about away, I can do a huge gesture and all will be fine again – for me. I legit just tricked someone back into a relationship they expressed they do not want to be in.” Women can also act in this way, too. But society immediately rushes to call her “desperate”, “stalker” and the ever classic: “crazy”. Gotta love sexist double standards.

Usually the best times of figuring out relationship problems are generally … while the problems are happening. Ignoring doesn’t work. Pretending doesn’t work. Screaming until everyone treat the problem like it is covered in poison definitely doesn’t work. Communication is essential in relationships, if you two can’t talk out a problem – in a civil manner (no screaming, no put downs (that’s abuse)) – then maybe it’s smarter to just sit out relationships until you can get some decent help to sort out your own head. Be it with a therapist or reading decent relationship blogs – stay away from anything that mentions RedPill or incel in a positive manner and check if the blog covers queer relationships (not all men date women and not all women date men, please remember that) because if they don’t, it’s a red flag that the blog probably will just feed you more toxicity, especially if you are a guy. But try to learn how to sort out relationship problems when they are happening. Try different methods of handling, such as texting them out (gives you both a chance to read your words and reflect before pressing ‘send’), cooling off rules, etc. No matter what, work on the problem as it blips up. And know how to speak up, don’t rely on the other partner to detect the issue like a sonar. You’re dating a person, not a doppler radar. Learn how to address relationship problems in a non-terrible manner and apply them. Screaming “you make me sick when you …” is not going to help anyone. Have an explosive temper? Definitely work on that … by yourself and with professional or self-help, do not put someone else through that.

Note how I told the guy that perhaps he should talk to his wife instead of talking to me if he wants to learn how to “win” her back – assuming she even still wants to hear from him. I’m pretty sure if there was something she would want him to do to make things right again, she would say so. If she doesn’t want to hear from him at all, then he might as well wait for the soon-coming divorce papers and get his pen ready. Can’t fix a dead horse.

“It’s like as though she [is] giving me [a wake] up call” sounds pretty bad. If you have to wonder, that’s a problem. He should already know – from talking to her. If anyone thinks being left is a “wake up call”, that means they slept on a lot of problems and most likely woke up way too late. The wake up calls should have been when there were issues in the relationship that got most likely ignored or brushed off. Heck, the guy should have been very awake in the relationship the whole time. Problems happen in relationships, all relationships. It’s how the problems are dealt with that determines if the relationship is soon to be carted to the morgue or not.

If she is giving a “poker face” that means it sounds like it already dawned on her that her husband doesn’t really actually care about her and, thus, it isn’t even much worth to try to present any further problems because, hey, what’s the point of talking to a brick wall? Just try to keep it together for the kids and bide your time to make a break for it. That’s not exactly uncommon for women who feel like their partners just plain aren’t up to snuff like they would like and there are kids involved. Sounds like this relationship has been laying in the grave for a while. As if, if there were no children, she would have been gone even sooner. Yep, I get these letters a lot and very regularly from guys, so it isn’t a unique problem. Thanks to toxic masculinity and its inbuilt misogyny, a lot of guys find themselves very alone because they do such a wonderful job driving it into the ground since societal constructs pretty much tell them this is How To Handle Relationships (With Women, It Is Disgusting To Have Romantic Relationships With Other Men). This is also why I suggest therapy a lot. And why I told him that forcing her to love him back isn’t right. Usually when I’m approached, it is because they hope for some type of will-controlling spell that will basically force the other person (against their natural will, can’t stress that enough) to come back and “love” them. It isn’t love, it’s bona fide abuse, number one. Number two, it is unethical for a vast multitude of reasons. Number three, when these spells backfire, it’s bad. I like to not create problems.

I mentioned divorce because I thought this dude was divorced, not separated. However, please note how he is very much not listening to what I am saying when he replies “I just need her to fall in love with me all over again”. If this is how he acted in the relationship, it should come as literally no surprise that the wife packed her bags and dipped. It’s already frustrating to me, I can only imagine what years of this felt like. Saying “we got lost in ourselves” probably may have some projection in it. I don’t have the wife to talk to but usually when I am sent these types of letters, its mainly “this is what I was doing but I want to make it sound like both parties were doing it so the blame sounds more spread out.” I’ve heard this from both guys and women who pull this. He wants her to fall in love with him again but he also should be asking himself “what is she coming back to? And is it enough to make her want to stay?” If she is returning to the same old nonsense, she’s just going to leave again (or the proverbial spell would have some major backfire) and if she doesn’t want to stay, then that’s just how things are. If he can’t keep her with his own personality and efforts, then it’s really just not worth fighting. The relationship suffocated, he’s not really that interested in trying to make things better, he just wants to make things right for him. Male ego and all that jazz. Again, no wonder she packed her bags and left.

Grief can definitely affect relationships. But if the couple is working together to tackle the grief and support each other (not wait for a too-late “wake up call”), then the grief is something that the relationship can overcome together. Grief is hard alone, having a partner should ideally make the load lighter. Grief can also make people realize something they have been ignoring for a while, even if it is “wow, I really don’t want to be with this person.” Either because they noticed they’re not being supported like they should or because it was the watershed moment they needed to realize that this was it and it was time to leave. Sometime grief makes people self-destructive in their relationships, just let those people go because while grief can be definitely destructive, it isn’t right or fair to take that out on the person you are with and supposedly cares about you. Better to simply just get therapy.

Now, note how he keeps trying to look for people who are super ok with manipulating others instead of doing what he should as a husband in a broken relationship (which is, try to fix things the correct way or try to make the transition back to Singlehood smoother for both parties). First of all, I don’t know anyone like that because I find those types of individuals and that type of behavior absolutely abhorrent. There is a difference between doing plain old paid spellwork/Pay for Pray and doing super unethical spellwork/paid spellwork/Pay for Pray. Admittedly, on its face, finding someone to do spellwork is way easier than putting in the work to fix whatever is left of the relationship to fix. And note he’s gunning straight for the easy route. And while saying “Ok I have to work for it”, as if he understood but its clear it’s just another “ok, ok, ok, I’ll play pretend so I can get what I want”. The reason why I say “another” is because, again, it’s not too far a walk to believe this is most likely how he acts towards his wife. This is not genuine listening, this is basically placating and patronizing out of selfishness and self-centered behavior. Usually when I get letters like these, it tends to show from their interactions why someone left them. I don’t think I have ever gotten a letter with this type of request and went “wow, this person is totally brilliant/ok/seemingly faultless, I wonder why their significant other left.” Black Witch has been running for over a decade now, not once. It shows how inlaid their issues are because, again, if they are talking to a stranger like this, imagine how they talk to someone they personally know and supposedly care about. This is something that takes a lot of introspection to root out. Therapy usually tend to help speed up the process of rooting it out.

“She has a poker face”, “grief got in the way”, “we got caught up in ourselves”, sounds like a lot of blaming other things instead of just saying “I screwed up big time and I just want to figure out if I can still genuinely fix things.” Deflecting is not how one solves problems, taking responsibility is. No, I do not have the wife’s side of the story but some parts seem pretty obvious from her actions. She’s the one that left, that means she had enough. He’s deflecting and actively not listening several times, that means he’s most likely interacted with her in the exact same way. He doesn’t seem to really care about wanting to fix the relationship, just force it back together, that means he’s not that interested in doing the genuine hard work it takes to try to fix anything that can be even remotely fixed in the relationship if there is even a glimmer of an easier route. Again, this dude needs some therapy to sort these issues out, maybe even unlearn some “feelings are hard” toxic masculinity on the way that will most likely murder any future relationships he ever chooses to have.

In case anyone is going, “hey, why don’t you say that the wife should go get some therapy?” I agree but probably not for what you think. She could use the therapy to help get back on her feet faster and figure out how to manage co-parenting (if she is interested in it), single parenting (if she winds up taking the children), dealing with the grief of losing someone and losing a relationship (leaving others isn’t always easy), so many things. Both sides need therapy but for different reasons.

“She [is] not [willing to] at this stage” is the diamond sign that this dude just needs to pack it in and simply get his pen ready for the divorce papers. Might as well call the Time of Death and start working on moving on. She already has starting moving on with her life, he should definitely do the same. If she is not willing at all to even remotely fix things at this point, then it sincerely is not worth even trying magick. She’s gone, it is time to call it a day. If he wanted the relationship to be healthier, he should have tried to turn the plane around earlier, not ask how to rebuild a completely shattered aircraft that is scattered across three states. Relationships don’t just suddenly fall apart, they chug to that point. Sometimes they even sprint to that point but it is never immediately and all at once.

Now, I thought after “Ok thanks for the chat”, the conversation was over. Then later on, I check and find out that nope, he’s definitely not letting this “can I cast a spell to make someone who I drove away love me again” thing go. Geez, if he had put this much persistent effort into his marriage, he would still have one.

Please note the “In your earlier text you [said it] looks like she [is] leaning to it […] is that loving me all over again?”

Everyone, please read the prior conversation above and tell me if you think there was any reasonable spot where I said any version of “she is leaning towards loving you again”? Probably will be hard to find because it doesn’t exist. I pretty much was a broken record of “you need therapy”, “if she’s gone, that means the relationship is dead”, and “you should talk to her, not make assumptions”. Nothing that could even remotely convey that she was willing to come back. The fact he could glean such a super falsehood from literal thin air despite the fact that I have said all the opposite is very telling. Again, no wonder why she is gone. The “it” I was referring to in “leaning to it” was divorce. As in, it looked like to me that she was leaning to getting the divorce he does not want. She definitely wants out, to me. She isn’t talking to him, she left, she puts on a “poker face” (probably more for the kids’ sake than his), these are all signs than she more than likely has the words “divorce lawyers” in her phone’s recent search history. A person who wants to make the relationship work, even just a little bit, would at least keep some line of communication open. Everything is pretty much shut down? Yep, they’re done.

“She just [stopped] all the mediators”, as for that, I don’t know what her thinking is to “slow the process down”. Maybe its for her to look at the entirety of all her options (they do have kids to consider, after all. Their feelings are also important), maybe it’s because divorcing is expensive and emotionally draining so it is hitting a slow stride for now, maybe she feels she’s at a part in the process where she can cool her heels for a little while, I have zero idea and I’m not going to bother to find out. He would be in a better position to know via just plain talking to her. If he can’t even do that much to find out such details, then it is very much 100% certain that the relationship is very, very much dead.

I really want to say this, toxic masculinity is a great way to become Forever Alone. Not trying to genuinely fix personal behaviors that can wreck even the healthiest of relationships is a fantastic way to become Forever Alone. Every relationship fails until one doesn’t, true, but all relationships fail if there is no decent, sizeable work involved. All relationships require consistent, constant work. Self-work is included. If there is none of that or only pithy amounts of that, expect Forever Alone, regardless of gender and orientation. Forever Alone is self-imposed, no one can put that on you at all. And it is up to the person who does not want to be that, to be Forever Alone, to put in the work. Anyone who doesn’t want to tend to wind up eventually Forever Alone.