Category: Relationships and Dating


Firstly, sorry I was away for a while, I had EEOC and police/Internal Affairs stuff to attend to.

Now onward with the post!

Throughout Black culture, there is the idea of “Black Love”, which is very pure in concept: Two Black people in a gentle, calm and strong relationship that features a strong Black man that takes the helm of everything, is the protector and provider of the home, and a strong and intensely supportive Black woman who is always behind him, taking care of all home business: rearing the children, keeping the home non-chaotic and making sure that any drama is quickly vanquished.

This belief is very common in pro-Black circles as an aspiration of what to attain, it’s also common in general mainstream Black culture as an ideal relationship for Black men and women. The idea bores from the belief that “no one else likes us or cares about us so we may as well support each other”, a rejection of universal anti-Blackness. This is a great idea but it’s exactly that: not reality. It’s also warped and modified primarily as a purport for Black masculinity since it is rarely, if ever, non-hetero in its depictions and does not really allow women to have much agency. That and it’s basically the 1950’s American nuclear family ideal painted black and a little ankh hung somewhere for decoration.

On its face, the concept of “Black love” is a very beautiful one. It’s smiling Black couples on the cover of countless Black magazines, usually the woman holding a baby or the couple talking about children. They’re financially well off, they have a home, a car and a world of their own. They could make a White person on the street gag in absolute horror and switch from Sanders and Hillary to Trump in a heartbeat just by walking down the street, hand-in-hand and joyful. They’re an active and passive defiance of many dehumanizing anti-Black stereotypes and offensive to any and many who believe those stereotypes.

But in practice, it’s a very complicated and very hard to exemplify concept that is filled with more problems than beauty. And it’s no hidden secret, countless books have been penned on this subject, especially from the womanist and Black queer perspective.

“True” Black Love does not leave much room for Black women to be individualistic people. It shows stark similarities to 19th century Victorian beliefs of a woman’s place to be an “angel in the house”: The cultural idea to not pursue “masculine” things like heavy careers and individuality because it’s her job to make a “man feel like a man” – as if the man is absolutely incapable of normal human feelings and developing mental and emotional securities by themselves due to (entirely fictitious and scientifically bogus) biological beliefs. If the man left or cheated on the woman, the accusations usually hover around how she wasn’t emotionally supportive or simply caused too much trouble with her own life happenings and therefore, it made perfect sense the dude is going to run off to the next chick that can take care of him like a mother (that gives blowjobs).

The woman desiring a career can be seen as a threat to the “Black Love” relationship – unless it can directly or indirectly benefit the man somehow via paying his bills, giving him supplemental income, basically supporting him instead of a 50/50 relationship. This happens a lot in Black relationships – not in every, of course, but enough to be a well-known concept all on its own. The goal of the woman in “Black Love” is supposed to be that of “Support Black man, have kids, basically be a Black June Cleaver”. If the man cheats, she’s supposed to welcome him back as the angel in the house and get mad only at the woman (or “women”) he cheated on her with for pulling him from pious, Abrahamic monogamy down the deep road of lust. If the man is not there for her emotionally, she is supposed to be okay with that because he’s a man and thus has more important matters to attend to than how his partner feels because it will support the whole somehow – even if it doesn’t help or support her personally, emotionally or mentally. Because women issues never matter and Black women are supposed to be made of spun steel, not capable of vulnerabilities. A “Real” Black woman in a “True” Black Love relationship is supposed to hold her man down: keep his secrets, put up with his many, many, many flaws and be grateful that she has a Black man to have and to hold. She’s the evolved version of the “Ride or Die” chick. And she is depressed, unloved and insecure – but told to always be a giver and never a taker because the Black man already has enough strife due to systemic oppression.

“True” Black Love somehow holds no room for non-hetero relationships. Actually, the opposite. Lesbian “True” Black Love relationships seems mythical and gay “True” Black Love seems to be a mockery on the concept altogether because of the conjunct of homophobic and misogynist beliefs. Monogamy is seen as a must in “True” Black Love, there’s is no room for polyamory, (unless cheating and only if the guy does it because he’s “just being a man”). It appears to be also a must that the expression of “True” Black Love can only be between a man and a woman because it is a copy of the White American nuclear family of the 1950s…which actually makes sense given that the concept was newly crafted in the Pro-Black movements of the ’60s and 70s. There doesn’t even seem to be room for bi-people. Either you’re straight as a rod or you’re not Black.

Long story short, it seems the rigid idea of “Black Love” is more of a myth than an actual experience. Does it mean that Black Love doesn’t exist? No. Not at all. There are plenty of successful Black relationships all over the world that doesn’t dissolve into dysfunction and tragedy. Plenty of Black couples who never cheat on each other, plenty of Black couples who equally work together as a duo and not as a lopsided partnership, plenty of Black couples of various gender pairings that are making it work. Because they’re a couple. And that’s what couples do to make a relationship work. They’re not perfect – like the people in the relationships – but they’re making it work…because it’s worthwhile.

Relationships should be worthwhile and healthy. It is unhealthy to be a Black person in a relationship with another Black person and sticking it through because you don’t want to show society yet another failed Black family/relationship. While the effort is truly valiant, it’s ultimately worthless because instead it’s just the person with the ideal getting hurt. It’s basically like continually hitting your head against a brick wall in front of a passing crowd because you want to prove that bone is actually quite strong with sufficient calcium. Some will note, most won’t and you’re still going to have the random dink in the crowd going, “I dunno, I’m gonna believe that Facebook post about how I can get all my nutrients from the sun.” In the end, you’re just going to have a gnarly headache and not much to show for it. The ideal of “True” Black Love is no reason to be with someone who cheats, is emotionally vacant or otherwise disrespectful because, frankly, that’s not love at all. That’s being conditioned to accept abuse as normalcy hidden under the super thin veneer of “Pro-Blackness”. It’s not love at all if someone doesn’t respect you as a person or keeps coming up with excuses, temper tantrums or trying to control you as part of a relationship.

There’s a justifiable reason why there is pressure to want to have a Black Love relationship but it’s all pointless if you’re with someone that doesn’t suit you. I’ve seen this more with Black women than I have seen this with Black men. Countless times I’ve read and been told of cheatings, beatings and emotional abjectivity. And pretty much all of them stayed because “He’s just being a man” or “I have to support my king” or “I don’t want another Black relationship to fail”. Basically, they all were brought up in the ideals of “True” Black Love and pretty much suffered for it. When the dude would get called out, of course, here came the “I’m sorry”, “I need to be a better man” and other lukewarm fibs just to keep the woman around. That’s unacceptable and unjustifiable, completely.

It should take more than “they have the same skintone as me” as a reason to stay. Yes, actual Black love is very important because there’s enough anti-Blackness to drown a ship, but using a hyper-idealistic version suits no one better at all. Instead of aspiring for “true” Black love, just aspire for a very healthy relationship between two Black people. There is no reason to use a relationship to express a point or idea, just enjoy the other person’s presence the best you can. When two Black folks who love each other genuinely and are best friends with each other, that should be the “True” Black Love ideal.

Hi so I met this guy called Guy McGee* through a Youtube channel, I know bad and he only has like 10 videos and they are all Music because he is in a band and he plays the drums but the first time I saw him I couldn’t take my eyes off him so we then became friends on Snapchat and then Facebook.
But we spoke once and I felt a real connection to him and I don’t wanna tell him coz he’ll think I’m weird but also he lives in a different country as well and I really wanna know there is anyway that he feels the same???? Plus if there is anyway that we will talk more??? and if there is anyway that we will become friends or more????

This has been playing on my mind for a long time and it has been driving me crazy I didn’t wanna it was past life even though it could be and I know this a lot but I would really love it if you could answer them. So thank you for reading it even if you do think Im crazy. 🙂

Hi so long story short I met this guy Called Dude McGee* he’s 18 and lives in America and I’m 17 and l live in the UK we have spoken once before. And I have had the odd message every now and then but I really like him and I don’t think he feels the same. I have had fights with friends and over this and lost my bested friend because of it. The main reason because I didn’t tell her. But he’s on my mind nearly every second of the day and I don’t know what to do. So if you could help I’d really appreciate it. 🙂

I forgot to say that he’s a lead singer in a band and I know it sounds bad and its meant to be that way but I feel like I met him before as well like in a past life and I feel in way drawn to him it’s probably my mind playing tricks bit that’s how I feel and I find it hard to explain

Hello I have a development to my concern he has started to talking to my friend a lot and he was the first one to pop up. So maybe he wasn’t for me but I have liked him for ages but she had a boyfriend but I have no clue what to do

– Genni M.

Firstly, the (*) is to imply that I’ve changed the name. Granted, the guy in reference had two different first names but the same last name so I replicated that. Also, this was a series of emails that basically tell a bigger story, thus I lumped them all together.

Alright, the basics of the story is that the person writing in likes a dude(we’re assuming it’s just one guy) who she has a crush on despite being far, far away. It really eats at her and even gets in the way of her friendships. Now it seems the apple of her eye has been chatting with her friend, who also has a boyfriend.

Now, I wasn’t really willing to do divination because I only do that around Halloween for the Samhain Pickers sweepstakes winners. Besides, this situation didn’t seem to need it.

One thing kiddo has to keep in mind is that just because you get to chat with musicians on the internet, they’re there to promote so of course, they’re gonna bring the charm because it’s good for business. However, this doesn’t mean they’re not people.

Granted, I said maybe she should have a sit-down talk with the guy she has a very apparent crush on but it can also been said this way as well: she’s reading too much into their interactions. Which isn’t insanity, it’s simply having a crush. That’s completely normal and natural, even if it makes you feel absolutely mental. Everyone goes through that.

However, if your infatuation is starting to dent your friendships, it’s time to pump the breaks. Firstly, it appears that you don’t seem to know where you stand with the guy you like. It’s important to discuss that and get on the same page with the guy so you know how each other feels. That should precede everything because it will determine all future interactions, good or bad. Just because the friend is talking to the guy doesn’t mean they’re hitching up…especially if they’re separated by a whole ocean.

I think the infatuation is coloring your perspective. It’s time to find some stable ground and have a chit chat to find out what is happening. Talk with not only him but talk with your friends as well because I’m sure they probably are fussing with you because of how much your crush is blinding you and your better sensibilities and they want the pre-crush you back.

I’m really interested in witchcraft but idk where to start. how did you start?

– reinadelaslesbianas

I started with books, really. My first book is Where to Park Your Broomstick by Lauren Manoy. I thoroughly enjoy and always suggest because of how well-rounded it is. That will give you a great starting place of what to do, what not to do and why.

I was wondering are you familiar with black witch’s b/c I have some questions about it if you could help me……I tried asking the church of god and they said to stop doing witchcraft and I laughed and hung up the phone…..I tried asking the church of satan hq in America and I guessed they were mad when I said demonic spirits…lol….they preached satan and said to join their church…..so can you maybe answer some of my questions…….jim

 ok here’s my question but it’s a story….I can provide details of everything if you want them……I’m a black witch….I used a spell to have someone die and he did in 1 week….since I was 4 I have seen demonic spirits and ghosts….I have been seeing spirits of dead people,animals,insects all my life….I want to know why I can see them…..also when I practice withcraft outside between 9 and 9:30pm a glowing white ring appears in the sky(kinda far away too) while I’m doing my chanting…the ring goes away when I stop chanting….also I tried spells between 7 and 7:30pm and a gray ring appears in the sky and goes away when I stop chanting…..I want to know what this means…do I have a special gift spiritually….please help me or know someone that can help me…..

– James C.

Goodness, why do people write as if they are breathless? Fantastic for stories, not so much for letters.

As a reminder to people, I call myself “Black Witch” because I’m a Black person that practices witchcraft. Not, “I practice left-hand magick” so I’m not a pro in that field if that’s what the question is in reference to. Continuing on, it seems you just simply are clairvoyant and really intuitive to sense and interact with entities around you. Not really a big deal, no great significance in my consideration. You just can do these things, hurray. I’d say “don’t kill people” but I don’t know the circumstances so I’ll just say instead that it’s primarily frowned upon ethically so use very strong discretion. I also don’t know if the magick killed the person and it isn’t coincidence but this letter isn’t really to contest that.

You gave me times but without timezones, so I haven’t much of a clue what the phenomena you’re describing is in reference to. It could be raised energy, it could be a better second sight, that I don’t know. Either way, you seem relatively gifted. I would recommend reading some decent theory books on energy manipulation. That could help as well.

Find a Match

Technology has definitely changed how people can meet one another. Being Pagan, dating is already hard enough because you have to worry about how potential suitors see your religion (which can range from “You’re crazy” to “You’re polytheist, how does that work? That means you don’t believe in god, right?”). Being Black while Pagan and dating is intensely stressful with a pretty small pool to choose from. Too loose with your selections, you’ll wind up with some phony Notep*, fake-deep person who knows absolutely nothing (besides intense misogynoiric beliefs, internalized racism and anti-semitism) and will drive you up a wall. Too rigid and you may wind up just collecting cats and crystal rocks, wondering if you can make Cupid physical just to chuck at him said stones and cats.

Being Pagan, it’s important to date someone who, even if they don’t believe the same thing you do, they can at least respect it completely and not as some wacky phase. Now, it would be cool to find another Black Pagan to date. Someone who gels with you, gets you, is a great friend and a fantastic companion buuuuuut, man oh man, even with magick, that’s a toughie. However, technology helps for being able to find your type. Also, did I mention you should read Dr. Nerdlove because he writes great columns on dating or Bedsider because it’s tons of great, factual info on contraceptives from abstinence to condoms to iuds and safe sex/dating tips? Because you should.

There’s, of course, the popular OkCupid. There’s Bumblr, the dating app where women make the first move (unfortunately, it’s only for Apple, not Android or any other platform.) Recently, a friend of mine hipped me to Coffee Meets Bagel, an app where you only can talk to people if you both mutually like each other’s profile and are connected via the expansive network of your friends. So, I gave it a whirl. Because, science.

One thing I learned from interacting with the app: I have waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many friends in STEM – which is also the same field I tend to usually not date from because STEMbros are usually super annoying, very red-pill and holy crap, a cavalcade of internalized self-hate and insecurity parading as cocky douchebaggery, misogyny and woe-is-me-because-I’m-a-geek. That and Finance…and Medicine (this is simply for me, not every woman that walks the earth because, personally, don’t gel with them as potential romantic partners). Just ain’t my gig, brah.

Alright, just because technology has made dating (slightly) easier, it doesn’t mean everyone is going to be a winner. View examples below…actually, before I begin, I would like to mention that, sadly, there is only “Straight/Gay” selection to view matches so if you’re bi or pan, I guess you’ll have to switch every week or something but right now, there’s nothing there on the app for those who date more than one gender, it’s either one or the other. Hopefully, that will change in the future.

Here we have exhibit A:

WTF?

 

Alllllllllllllright. This is a pretty easy way to never get selected. Be prejudiced and bigoted (why say “Jewish” for employer simply because you’re working in Finance?) and, even if joking, come off as an omega douche. Relationships are about communication, even if it were with a telepath. Basically, doesn’t really talk about what they want in a person in terms of personality (“Someone with a great sense of humor”, “Easy going and quirky, just like me”, etc) but basically wants a doll, nearly. There’s only one thing about personality (“can be bold”) and the rest is, well, not personality. It’s okay to say to not wanting vapid, shallow or vain people by saying “I want someone who lives life out loud and down to earth” or something like that but to just say “Here’s a list of what you can’t be. Either you’re in or you’re out…and the list doesn’t apply to me” because if you’re a self-proclaimed “couch potato” of a gamer, you can’t really call on anyone’s looks how they maintain it or how they eat. And everyone says they work out, almost every guy paints themselves as a gym rat on dating sites, even if they’ve only been in a gym long enough to get out of the rain.

Time to present Exhibit B:

2015-12-09-20.10.52.png.png

See what I mean?

This person isn’t sopping with douchebaggery, thankfully, but a bit of spite. No one wants to be cheated on. (And there’s a difference between being cheated on and being in an open relationship – and it involves all parties being in the know.) It sucks that, clearly, the guy must have gone through that really heartbreaking experience, but if all you want is someone to not cheat, that’s a low bar. It’s the same as saying “Doesn’t beat me, not abusive”. It’s goes unsaid that you want someone who loves you, respects you, cares about you. It’s insecurity and fear put on parade to have to put the basics out there. The dude seems like he’s got a personality, an active life but the last bit is a killer.

And Exhibit C:

2015-12-10-20.29.38.png.png

Is dude trying to get a date or adopt a pet?

To start with because, wow: “Mentally stable and from a decent home”. Basically “no psychos and …well bred?” This sounds more inline with someone wanting a pet than a person. Is dude going to give you a psych eval and a college admission-level background check? That and anyone can wind up with a trauma or something just as affecting throughout their life, no one is 100% sane. Not even 90% sane. Including people who quip movies in regular, non-film related conversations to make a point.

There’s way, way more examples but this is enough. This shows that it’s still difficult to date, even in the current technological era we’re in.

The best that I can suggest is simply to think about what one actually wants in a person. Not in physical wants but what type of person they can – and can’t – live with. For example, if someone just dislikes over-hyper people, they’re not going to like someone who is obsessed with Deadpool or Baby Metal because that’s a personality trait that wears them out and grinds their nerves. What makes an awesome friend to you, is a good place to start.

Being Pagan, try to find folks who will gravitate well with nature-based lives or simply aren’t “hard science knows all”. Actually…let’s look at Pagan personals. Being Black, I can already say this will be a depressing experience, I just have a feeling.

Let’s begin!

From a cursory view, there aren’t many strictly Pagan dating sites but since I’ve been Pagan for a pretty good chunk of my life, seeing this many sites is almost like seeing a crowded room where it used to be filled with nothing but air, space and dust just a minute ago.

To start, almost all the sites listed use a lot of the same layout just about. Holy crap. It doesn’t have to look as sleek as OkCupid but, goodness, pay the webcoder more and make it better.

Pagan Partners
The site reminds me of a GeoCities site from the 90s, complete with the little flappy flags. Now what surprised me was I didn’t have to search that long and hard for a Black person. Just one and on the first page. This is improvement because the Pagan community can sometimes act a little too similar to Klan folks but with flowers and folk music. Maybe they’ll have three one day.

The site appears pretty simplex. The landing page is pretty simple (and old school) but pretty restricted for gender selections/orientations (can’t look for bi or ace people). I am happy that there is some diversity instead of chokingly White. It can certainly improve (holy crap, it needs to improve) but at least there’s something.

The member search don’t have screen names but just present the start of their blurb, which is nice. You can look in each section one by one, it’s nice. However, you don’t know when the blurb got put up or anything, there’s no reference to time. The profile could be a zombie profile (inactive for a long time) for all you know.

I don’t have a membership but I would like to imagine that there’s an intricate search feature so you can look for other Black Pagans easier.

Pagan Dating
This site looks a bit better than Pagan Partners, it’s interesting and engaging. Very closed off from outside eyes (which can be a good thing, especially since some Pagans aren’t out of the broom closet yet) but you can see the many faces that are on the site. I see specks of Black folks here and there and just like anywhere, I hope there is a search feature that allows people to whittle down to the finds they want.

They put up “Pagan Dating Privacy” notice which is sensible and up front. Joining is free but it appears interacting more with anyone you click with may cost you but it won’t cost you much – as low as $5/month because it’s a small Pagan business.

Pagan Harmony
I swear the site looks so much like wicca.com. The colors, the foliage design, the Celtic sigils, ye gods. These folks are UK-based (but have selections from around the world) and have an option for those who are open, bi, whatever, in addition to the usual straight/gay pickings.

Also, Pagan Harmony lets you see how long someone has been active on the site with an “Active within 1 month” or “Not recently active”. That’s super useful for a user to know. Also, by just looking at the straight male selection (that had pictures), I scrolled through 10 pages and saw only two Black guys. That’s not good. Everyone else appeared White for the very most part.

Alright, we looked at quite a bit, wow. The Pagan dating sites are still omega starved in regards to diversity. It was hard looking for guys my own race, I couldn’t imagine how much more difficult it would be to be Latin and Pagan or Asian and Pagan. Being Native and Pagan would just be rage-inducing, I’m sure.

There’s a lot out there but in a way, it seems the same thing over and over. One thing I always tell my guy friends (because there’s not a lot of honest (and non-misogynistic) dating advice out there): Have a personality. It isn’t lame to be not-lame. Sex is not all there is, and if guys think that’s all they need to seem decent to a woman or to keep one around, they should know that technology is waaaaaaaaaaaaay ahead of them.

Oh, man, I remember a guy friend of mine stumbled onto a sex toy online store and was super frustrated to the point of comedy. Just clicking through page after page, just going “Whu- what? What is this?! Why is it so small?! And it’s…it’s a top seller? Why is this so teeny? It looks like a silver, teeny egg, is that what wome- WHY DOES THIS PEEN LOOK FUTURISTIC?! And it plays music? AND A LITTLE LIGHT SHOW? IT’S. A. LIGHT. SHOW. Why does it have an rpm?! CARS have that! I…I can’t do all that! I can’t be a walking rave. Why do women need this – do women need this?! I feel replaced by a $20 singing glow stick that could probably mix paint and test blood and this little $5 egg. I thought…I mean…what the fu-“

It was glorious.

Going back to what I was saying, technology is waaaaay ahead of dudes on women’s libido, might as well have a personality worth sticking around for[link]. A well-rounded personality will get you a lot farther than just being window dressing. That’s what magazines are for.

Also: If you’re a guy and you want to put up a profile photo…AVOID POSING WITH GUNS. Please, for the love of all that is good and fluffy, don’t post a picture of yourself with a gun. It doesn’t matter that you love guns and want to attract a girl who also loves guns. That’s fine but there’s other ways besides packing heat in your profile pic, like talking about it (in a way that wouldn’t have the FBI raising an eyebrow), mention that you like going to a shooting range, something like that. Even women who are pro-guns still are aware that quite a bit of women die from them as a result of a douche dude with a gun. You don’t want to come off as the “All-In-One Abuser Boyfriend: Homicidal Maniac Edition! (Comes with one (1) free Insane Clown Posse/NWA cd)” type. Basically: keep the guns out of the profile.

Relationships are tough, that’s no lie. Dating is also just as tough, if not tougher. Dating while Pagan is a challenge, dating while Pagan and Black is super difficult. I was mainly talking from a straight girl perspective but still, dating while Pagan and Black is tough, regardless of gender (however, gender definitely can play a role). Technology helps thins the crowd in an effective way but it’s no magic elixir from loneliness. That takes work, time and due diligence.

*Sliding away from “Afriboo” which I derived from “Weaboo”, which is a person who obsesses over Japan to the point of fetishism, but for anything and everything Africa: the people (including the diaspora), the culture and beliefs – to a pretty fetish-y, hyper-romanticizing extent. Sadly, “Afriboo” sounds waaaay to close to other, not-fun words, which can cloud meaning quiiiiiick.

How Many, If Any?

I’ve been wanting to talk about relationships and dating while Pagan for a while. Now’s a good time as any, especially since it’s been a while since I’ve visited the topic. A while. That means there’s going to be several posts on the topic.

Alright, folks, let’s begin with the basics and work our way up.

As longtime readers know, I like to suggest Dr. Nerdlove at every twist and turn because he write very factual posts about dating and getting better at it. It’s always great to have a decent blog on something that is quite complex.

What I also like about his writing is that it is not the usual dating advice blog as he mentions gender issues and is open minded about various orientations. Let’s start with some basics:

It seems a lot of people worry about faithfulness in relationships and some are not sure that monogamy is for them. I would like to remind people that there is a difference between being polyamourous/open and cheating. The difference is with polyamorus (“Poly” for short) or open, everyone is very in the know and consents to such a relationship without pressure and of their own free will. (If they did consent under pressure, that’s just a sign of a relationship that’s definitely not going to last and potentially abusive.) Cheating is when only one person is dating freely and openly and doesn’t tell their significant other(s), leaving the significant other to falsely think they’re in a monogamous relationship when they are actually not. The difference is being up front.

Not everyone is cut out for monogamous relationships. Having attractions to other people besides the one you’re consciously and actively betrothed to is natural, right down to brain chemistry. Monogamy is human-made, attraction is not.* However, the difference between being a cheating piece of crap versus a poly person is being open about the fact to whomever they’re dating at the start, or – if the realization finally dawns on them – when it becomes a strong enough realization so that the significant other has time to decide how to feel about it and make a proper decision for themselves about the current relationship. Particularly including whether or not they want to stay in the relationship now that it may potentially be switching up and out of their comfort zone, which is perfectly in their right to feel and decide without pressure (pressure would signify a potentially abusive partner).

Also, poly relationships are not easy because dating just one person is already hard enough, throwing more people to the mix is intensely more difficult. I have a couple friends in poly relationships, it’s like jugging eggshells and bricks together, not collecting a harem.

So, if you want to date several people at once, make sure to let the people you’re dating know that, too. That’s the important part. And Bedsider is your best friend in knowledge of safe sex because, regardless of how many people you date, from one to whatever, you want to be smart about it.

Okay, got that out the way, I’ve been reading and hearing quite a bit on poly relationships and then you have folks who seem to be so keen on cheating (or strongly perpetuate “side piece/main piece” culture, which is cheating, not being poly) when life would probably be a lot easier if they just were upfront with everyone (Not pulling a Newt Gingrich, actually honest) about how they date. That and I wouldn’t have to see a person busting up their unfaithful significant other’s very nice car with a baseball bat. That poor car. Didn’t do anything but be a pretty car.

Moving on, next post – Tech and Dating

*Money and language are also human-made, and they’re no less realistic or effecting. Don’t bring up “Monogamy is human-made, therefore I should date other people, regardless of whether or not you’re ok with it, because science” as a defense because you wouldn’t say “Money is man-made but electricity is not, therefore I shouldn’t have to pay my electric bill. Ever. Because science.” Annnnnnd it is a sign of an abusive/controlling nature.

For some really weird/stupid reason, people keep asking me to cast spells for them, despite the fact I don’t do pay-for-pray/paid spellcasting for other people and have made that clear a number of times. I don’t personally do it because ethics, but the same people, already showing a major lack in cognitive skills, they think my hard fast ethics will magically disappear if they say, “I’ll pay you”, because listening skills are not prominent in the intellectually redundant. I know I’m American but I lean Socialist, not Capitalist, with my opinions on money. If I say I don’t do paid spellworking, I think you should listen. Besides, paid spellwork costs somewhere around college tuition and most aren’t forking that out, I’m American enough to know that.

This goes double for love spells. Least favorite request (next to body-switching spells, which, as a result, I mercilessly mock), especially spells that try to control another person. It’s stuff like this why A) I don’t do paid spellwork B) Why I never deal with love spells, I’d rather counsel rather than help someone Evel Knievel their love life because love lives are already sticky enough without magick.

And this is where the story/example starts. A dude contacted me because they wanted their wife back. Already, this will be a doozy. At the start, I roll out the basics (click through if too small):

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Usually when people say “I need your help”, especially if they write pretty poorly, it’s usually an eventual request for me to do paid spellwork, which I don’t do. I say that all the time. Alllllllll. The. Tiiiiiiiime.

Continuing on:

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Just to be super basic, I don’t call folks. Yes, there is a Black Witch number but that’s mainly for business, not simply to talk to readers unless it’s super duper necessary, like the person is suicidal or going through a mental breakdown or something. This does not count as super duper necessary. That and I was on a phone call via Kakao to a friend in Korea. I’m not breaking that enjoyable phone call for some person who managed to probably nuke their own relationship.

For starters, the wife left this dude and took the kids with her. And as this convo goes on, I’m gonna put a little tic where this dude basically lacks all listening skills eh, you can probably count for yourself, it’s pretty obvious. And since I don’t do love spells, that means I shift into counselor mode, hence why I asked what did they argue about. The simple fact the dude quickly goes, “We were perfect but then her mom got in the way” pretty fast is definitely an issue. Yeah, there is such thing as meddlesome families but there’s more than one side to every story.

Here comes the issue: “Is there something [you] could do to help fix it so my wife will talk to me again”

I smell a spell request about to happen. And a manipulative one at that.

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As this dude tries to explain (describing endometriosis as merely “a female sickness” is already problematic and distancing, if he said it like that in front of her, that’s one reason why she’d split), it seems that the estranged spouse had a lot going on and simply wanted to cut whatever she felt was possibly adding to her stress. It’s usually never a good sign if someone tells you they fell out of love with you. That’s not something people do lightly.

And here comes the first mention where I say “I can’t do stuff that directly mess with free will” because messing with free will is bad, especially in magick. Now, everyone, why I especially don’t do it in love spells is because controlling others is abusive, regardless of how it happens. Forcing people to come back to you is never good, even if you miss them a lot. Because, if you want them back simply because you lost them and not because you figured out how you screwed up and want to make things right, then you don’t really want them back for them but for you and your bruised ego, heart and pride.

Alright, moving on:

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This dude starts to get a wee bit confusing. First time he mentioned that they weren’t spending a whole lot of time together, it sounded like the (ex)wife was making the claim. Now it seems dude is trying to back-peddle a little. That’s suspicious. And if it is the case of me simply derping out, if it is him who wants them to more time with each other, and she’s parted ways, maybe he’s starting to show an obsessive side…y’know, more than he already is.

This dude is super hardheaded, to be honest. This is a first of a buuuuuunch of times that I say “you can’t force her”. Because you can’t. If she wants to be gone, she wants to be gone, plain and simple. Yes, it hurts but life isn’t easy. And I get really confused also about how this dude somehow never knows what his soon-to-be ex is doing but somehow still knows updates about her life despite being somehow cut off from everyone who talks to her. That and how he bounced between “no one speaks to her, she’s basically alone” and “oh, they talk to her but not to me.”

Also, holmes shows a stunning lack of listening skills (which, mind you, are vital in a relationship) because despite the fact I said that I’m not doing any spellwork, he keeps asking. If you’re going to hardline like that, no wonder she left. It’s a really self-centered move to basically sidestep something someone says just because you don’t agree with what you hear. You can’t just ask the same question over and over in hopes a “no” will turn into a “yes”. It’s badgering.

And here comes the mother being somehow evil and masterminding the breakup. Somehow, I’m not buying this. Yes, meddlesome relatives are very much a thing but I don’t think that is what murdered this relationship.

Screenshot_2015-05-30-08-14-56-1Or the (ex)wife’s sister. The plot thickens!

This dude’s telling me that he never got along with her family (who she is close with so of course their opinion of him matters because she cares) and they never talked about it? That is a super dunce move because you basically have a live mine laying around buried in your relationship, quietly laying in wait. Everyone, if you have something like this TALK ABOUT IT. Because it will bubble up somehow, some way. Ignoring a problem won’t fix it. What this dude is calling “negativity” and “they just don’t like me” could very well simply be the mom and sis telling the (ex)wife that maaaaaaybe this dude ain’t so charming. I doubt they meddle in every relationship this chick has ever had because they’re from Cinderella’s step family.

Brah, what the flying fu- “She got a good man”?! Brah think he’s Will Smith or Barack Obama or something. Here’s the main difference between him and them: they still got their wives and don’t have to beg anyone to make them come back. Painting himself as the victimized, hard-working husband is super annoying because it usually never works out that way. In disintegrating relationships, it’s a two way street, usually. And, everyone, remember that the most common denominator of all your failed relationships are you. If everyone has divorced themselves from this dude and basically alienated him but not her, that’s saying something. And notice how the narrative changes from “she don’t talk to nobody/nobody talks to her” to “everyone sides with her, I get blocked out”?

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I know one other person who was in a relationship with someone who had. My guy friend was a lot more understanding than this dude. Also didn’t frame it so poorly. Plus, it sounds like the relationship was dying out for this dude.

Also…Math time!!

They’re both 28, known each other for 8 years (since they were both 20), married for 6 months and got separated for two months after that in those 8 years…

It would be rude to laugh but this is a looooooooong time to accuse a relationship going sour because of meddling. Even Othello wasn’t that long. If your relationship is crashing after a near decade, maaaaaaaaaybe it isn’t outside meddling alone because it should be strong enough to overcome that at the near ten-year point. That and both of you should have gotten used to (with air quotes) her family treating the dude like he’s Scott Pilgrim. And it should have been a point of discussion sometime within those eight years.

But wait…the kiddo is 7. This don’t sound like a “friendship” because while friends share many things, kids right after they initially meet aren’t one of them. Taking the usual 9 month pregnancy into account, it seems like they met, screwed about, wound up with a kid. Since Mississippi sucks on the whole “abortion is an ok option/god won’t hate you/here’s useful birth control methods” thing, this couple decided to wing it with this near-new stranger they just had a kid with. Stuff like this is part of why I sometimes rather counsel queer relationships because, like Dan Savage said, “gay people can’t get drunk one night and adopt.” I feel like if a kid was not involved, none of this would be happening.

This is not exactly a perfect situation. Chances are, the chick saw things were just not working out and ducked. At least she’s stable enough to get her an apartment for her and her kids while this dude is chillin with an aunt.

Since this guy is annoying, I mainly suggested bay leaves because bay leaves are good for luck and fortune. This is simply to boost his luck, not be a magic bullet that forces his (ex)wife to come back to him because, remember, I’m big on free will in relationships. Since this guy is pretty crap at following directions, thus it was a lot of “Yes, do [thing I just said]”, we’ll skip that screenshot.

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Notice that despite the fact I said that the bay leaves are just supposed to boost his luck, he still is asking time and time again if this will immediately fix his relationship. And time and time again, I keep saying, “if it is meant to be, sure” because that’s basically it. I am not going to suggest anything manipulative. Because that’s wrong. I don’t want this dude doing any magick on his wife because he doesn’t have her consent, for one. And for two, he’s not going to cast anything that actually benefits her, just him alone. Thaaaaat’s not love.

Also, here’s a protip: magick is usually subtle. What did this guy expect? That he would burn the bay leaves and immediately his (ex)wife would call him, swearing up and down that she made a mistake and will never leave him again? Naaaaaah, that ain’t how it’s going to work. I intended that. Plus, controlling will is not exactly newbie work and he’s beyond n00b. Still, it’s wrong tho.

Skipping another round of “Yes, do [thing I just said]”, let’s go to the screenshot after that.

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Here comes the dude going on the defensive about how things get bad and basically say “She needs to change, I’m fine as is”. Now, it’s not everyday people are going to be meta and objective about themselves but this is just ridiculous. If you think you’re perfectly fine and the partner needs to change, just let them go. If I have to pry a “But what will you do to help keep up the relationship should it ever come back together” answer, maaaaaybe you should just leave this person be.

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And here comes the really derpy thinking that a “good man” is basically “one that doesn’t cheat or physically abuse”. That doesn’t make you a good husband, you’re supposed to not hit or cheat on your significant other. That’s pretty basic. That doesn’t constitute “good significant other”, that’s the baseline you’re supposed to build upon, end of story.

Considering all of this, even though he likes to blame the mom a lot, I don’t think she is the main reason why she is gone. If anything, I think I’m talkin to ’em.

Skipping a few posts because it’s the same go around because, wow, this guy is hardheaded, I even suggested the dude read Dr. Nerdlove, who has written threegreat pieces, including one recently(oh wait, a newer one! That makes four!), about dead/dying relationships. Dude wouldn’t listen because there’s no “How to make someone who doesn’t love you anymore love you again” article.

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And here comes the granddaddy derp of them all: the “cuz she’s my woman” defense! Dude thinks it’s ok to control people if you’re married to them. I think he took that “love, honor and obey” part way too seriously (do people still say the last bit?). Um, no. The (ex)wife is still an individual, her own person. It doesn’t matter if she is his wife, if she wants to make her own choices, she should be able to. To be with someone who thinks otherwise, they may as well not even get married since that person clearly haven’t moved on from the “property” concept of marriage. Kind of sh*tty concept for the 1500s, really sh*tty concept when you hit the 2000s. She don’t wanna love him for anything, and definitely not for him. She proved that when she walked out the door and blocked him everywhere. And everyone is working in concert with her to make sure he doesn’t know where she is.

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As much as I would have liked to have said this convo ended here, it continued on for a way while longer. This dude needs to simply move on and have a hard think on what makes a relationship “good”. In all honesty, it sounds like an accident with a super long lasting effect. (Remember, safe and consensual sex is great!) And the fact he wanted a controlling love spell to get her back is part of why I don’t do paid spellwork and why I’m vehemently against inflicting on free will. Usually, spells like these aren’t with the estranged’s best interests in mind, it’s usually for a selfish reason. People have to decide for themselves, not have someone wrench that away from them. I’m going to take it that if she doesn’t want to talk to him after 8 years of knowing him, she probably has a very good reason.

Actually, after talking to this dude, I have a strong feeling she had a really good reason. I doubt if she could ask me anything, it would be him coming back to her. She moved on, he should, too.

I was contacted by Huffington Post (on super short notice, wow) to partake in a talk today about Paganism, Sex and Sexuality. While the talk is all day, my segment will be at 2:50 PM EST and for those who worry of missing it, it will be recorded and I’ll have a link for that as soon as possible (probably tomorrow).

Watch it here.

Ah, love. Also known as “Why Cupid would never want to visit the physical realm even if he wanted to”

Actually, he would probably say, “Hey, I’m just responsible for people falling in love. Y’know there are other gods, right? Like, for lust. And greed. And indecision. And bad decision. And…do you really want me to run down my family tree?”

Dating is not easy. Quite taxing, actually. It’s hard to find someone who is a compliment to your personality and experience and a great friend and is romantically compatible. Odds vary by race but being Pagan shrinks the dating pool even further.

Eurgh.

Ye gods. This sucks.

Ye gods. This sucks.

When you study in the metaphysics and esoteric, you start to normalize your experience from all the time you spend. This can make it tough because of media representation of magick and metaphysics colors the opinion of many so you have to talk with a heavy filter or be very good at gauging personalities and potential reactions. And it sucks when you get questions that basically boil down to “Sooooo…you don’t actually believe this stuff, do you? Oh geez, I’m talking to a crazy person.” Yeah, folks are pretty judgmental. And this is talking to people in person.

It seems the common solution often given to folks with unusual backgrounds (and/or social tendencies such as being introverted) is to do online dating. Dr. Nerdlove writes plenty about online dating, however it can be reminded that isn’t a guaranteed cure-all. While with online dating sites like Plenty of Fish and OkCupid, you can pinpoint select race and religion so you can find another Black Pagan to hopefully gel well with…or at least a Black Buddhist or Agnostic, they’re still people. It’s just this time they are behind screens and with avatars. But, also screening out who you don’t want to talk to gets a bit easier, especially if you pay a small fee to help boost your filters – something women should definitely know to handle the harassing dudes that will inevitably roll into their inbox. More on that later.

There are group specific dating sites such Black dating sites and Pagan dating sites. Pagan dating site are the absolute crappiest if you’re not White because that’s pretty much all that shows on the site. If someone goes, “That’s not automatically a drag,” how these folks talk in terms of opinions and life experience show you would probably be the first Black person they would meet or at least the first they didn’t receive a service from. Pretty much, you’re risking going out on a date with some possible Darren Wilson supporter that claims they know voodoo because of some Llewelyn book and swear up and down they’re not racist but Ferguson is overrated and SNL is brilliant multicultural comedy. Not worth the potential risk. And that’s from the folks who are not super creepy/all screws way loose. Remember, really predatory and abusive people like alt-lifestyle dating sites because they think they can hide their problematic ways under “being eccentric” or behind the “live and let live” thinking with little blowback. And they’re not that wrong, sadly, because some Pagans still believe that any cultural policing is bad policing as if it automatically brings harsh vibes when really active policing to ensure little to no infiltration of bad folks is great policing. Not everyone needs to be welcomed.

Black dating sites aren’t really great for Black folks well outside the mainstream Black experience. If you’re not Christian – or at least Muslim – and most definitely if you’re part of any alternative culture such as goth or punk, you might as well pass. (As for goth dating sites: same problem as Pagan ones, just add bats and black clothes.)

For the most part, that leaves you with online dating sites like OkCupid and Plenty of Fish. However, still you’ll see guys like this:

Why? For his "Most secret thing I'm willing to admit", I'm sure it's "Where I buried my past girlfriends, dates and denied crushes. And you next."

Whhhhy? For his “Most secret thing I’m willing to admit”, I’m sure it’s “Where I buried my past girlfriends, dates and denied crushes. And you next.”

And speaking of nutters like these because feminism/womanism can’t move fast enough, let’s talk filters. This is specifically with OkCupid, bear in mind. Using the settings in the messages section, you can set filters up so that guys who use less than 20 characters (throwing a random number out there, you can choose various character counts) and/or rank less than 70% match go straight into the digital bin. Pay the site 5 smackers ($5) and you can up the filters to be more sensitive, even filter out messages that include specific wordings of your choice like “beautiful”, “sexy” and slurs, whatever you want. This will help you find folks you actually want to talk to. If dudes are going, “How do we talk to you?!” Like we’re human beings: read the profile and start genuine, respectful conversation on their interests and not how they look, genius.

On online profiles, make sure to be upfront about your religious practices so people can choose for themselves if they want to continue to talk to you. If they don’t, try not to take it so hard. Yes, not easy but a must. And try not to settle, if the person is squicked out by your religion or your practices, move on. Ditto to if you’re talking to folks outside your race if they seem to hyper focus on race issues…or just the fact that you’re Black and they still find you attractive. Remember, even if you think they’re great except for this ooooone thing, know that they really don’t like people like you – including you. Just because they’ll take you to a Janelle Monae concert and give you daily hugs, that don’t mean you won’t eventually wind up in their crosshairs. It’s not very hard to drop from “good Negro” to “worthless n***er” in a nanosecond. All you have to do is keep breathing and be a multifaceted human. That’s it. Might as well pass on folks like that but you really gotta develop an ear to really screen them out. That comes from experience by dealing with people.

Also, if they are Black just like you but still say internalized racist stuff like how you’re somehow not Black because you listen to Rock and like UFO pants or that how Black people would be murdered less if they just pulled up their pants – leave them behind. No need to hear from people to talk like they’re possessed by Strom Thurmond. Seriously, if they rag you with, “Maaaan, Black people don’t read,” or “how you Black and you don’t like RnB?” just give them directions back to whatever plantation they stumbled from. Don’t matter if they served in the house or on the field, they still wanna be trapped on the land. There is a whole world out there. Find someone better.

If you’re a guy, please read Dr. Nerdlove. Seriously. Too many dudes with really screwed up opinions about women (and some masculinity issues with homophobia that also stem from misogyny) are super common on dating sites. Too common. Can’t date a woman (especially longterm) if you pretty much learned about them through one sided songs, repetitive movies and near forever tropes in video games. Eventually, the dude spouting this stuff comes off as really rapey/creepy/dudebro/combo. Can’t express how much a bummer it is to see a guy that has diverse interests, a great personality…but is anti-choice, thinks less of women after they sleep with them (brah. Why be upset at the woman for sleeping with you? You slept around, too.), that any sex partner count the woman had above 1 is skanky and think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved and wouldn’t date them even if they were a liiiittle pudgy…while the dude clearly isn’t virginal, quite hairy and could make Rick Ross look healthy weight. Thinking and sounding less like an MRA/”meninist” would vastly improve dating experience, even get approached. And remember, if a girl approaches with actual romantic interest, don’t freak out by saying she’s intimidating or by loudly humiliating her and most of all: don’t hit her. And not every girl that acknowledges your existence wants to get with you. If she asks for the time or makes small talk, she is simply being marginally social to another, locally placed human being (that’s you). If you wouldn’t want to imagine gay guys treating you like this (protip: they most likely never will), don’t treat women like this. Really simple. Not so simple? Read Dr. Nerdlove, he makes it simple. And entertaining.

Dating is super tough, that’s fact. Finding someone isn’t promised to anyone. There are, thankfully, spells to help attract potential suitors but here’s the part where I have to do the Pagan blogger thing about love spells:

 Don't cast spells on other people!

Don’t cast spells on other people!

Intangible things (relationships and dating (in general)) are good things to cast love spells on. Tangible entities … such as, y’know, people, not so good. It’s the metaphysical version of the chloroform cloth and tying them to your boiler in the basement. It wouldn’t be cool if they did it to you, it’s not cool to do it to anyone else, plain and simple. Don’t do it.

And if you don’t have anyone, try not to sweat it. While our society puts a lot of onus on finding someone  no matter what it takes, know that being single isn’t the worst thing to happen to you. Yeah, it’s cold comfort but true. Make sure that if you are trying to find someone, it’s not because you want someone to “complete you” or as a bandaid over your personal issues or to seek external validation of your existence and/or experience. Using other people as an emotional crutch and/or a therapist is never a good idea. It’s different from being emotionally supportive and present, two qualities to gun for instead.

Remember, all a relationship is, is simply a friendship with a romantic component.

Before we start, remember that on June 9th, there is going to be a Black Witch livestream on Ustream for the 4th anniversary of this site at NEW TIME: 10:00 PM EST

Moving on!

Neko no Shuukai
This short film is so cute! It’s called “Neko no Shuukai”, which means “A Gathering of Cats”. It’s about a kitty named Chobi that’s tired of being stepped on day in and day out and he’s not the only one. Time for a kitty revolution! Maybe.

Dr. Nerdlove
I have been referred to very few relationship blogs and dating columns. To be honest, I usually read Dan Savage and listen to Loveline but it seems Dr. Nerdlove is very good at creating materials specifically for nerds, geeks and everyone in between because if anyone needs to know how to be social and interact with others, especially in dating, it’s them.

Granted the website is fairly directed at the usual White, straight nerd guy, I have found that the pieces are fairly well written. I like his writings on Creep Week, how to interact with women and even goes as far as deconstructing misogynist ideas most commonly held in nerd circles so nerd dudes can go from fedora-wearing douchebag neckbeards to decent guys.

I really liked these posts most:

Socially Awkward isn’t an Excuse
On Labeling Men ‘Creepy’”/”On Labeling Women ‘Crazy’
How Not to be Creepy
Coerced Consent: When ‘Yes’ Really Means ‘No’

I know so many guys who could benefit from this site a lot more than whatever they’re currently reading. Dr. Nerdlove breaks down gender issues in a way that’s actually understandable for guys so they can develop the empathy necessary to develop relationships with. That and they can do away with the “Women are evil/mean/skanks/such catty b*tches/crazy” thinking since Dr. Nerdlove successfully deconstructs such problematic (and sexist) thinking. I really like it and thus, highly recommend it.

The advice is fairly sound when it comes to picking up folks. Dr. Nerdlove breaks it down bit by bit so everyone can easily follow along and apply it to their lives. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaad eeeeeeeeett.

Learn more about Dr. Nerdlove:
Dr. Nerdlove Twitter (@DrNerdLove)
Dr. Nerdlove Facebook
Dr. Nerdlove Tumblr

Musicogyny
It’s no surprise that the music industry is rife with misogyny. It has 3% women in the industry, which most certainly is not because of lack of talent from women in both the music side and the business side of the music business but of the douchiness of the guys in the music industry creating hostile environments that unnecessarily oust women, creating a near sausage-fest.

Of course, you will still have some random dude saying that he doesn’t see any misogyny in the music industry – in fact, it’s somehow easier to be a girl in the industry because there’s so little competition and they can use their womanly wiles to get what they want…even if they didn’t ask for it. (Read Dr. Nerdlove for an explanation of why this is such a dumb and myopic perspective). This blog is to document all the times women have encountered sexism in their respective fields in the music industry. I highly recommending giving this site a look because it is indeed ridiculous how difficult it is for women to make it in the music industry because they’re framed in the lens of “Is she hot or not?” lens which is mostly placed and enforced by guys.

Here’s a few stories collected from Musicogyny:

Musicogyny example post 1

Musicogyny example post 2

Musicogyny example post 3

The one thing I constantly think about is when a friend of mine told me she once went to a band’s hotel room because she and a friend really wanted an autograph and managed to find the manager, who led her to the hotel room and how she was nearly sexually assaulted by the six guys because they apparently were planning to do something to her in one language and talking plainly to her in English and thankfully she knew the other language. It wasn’t easy to leave because the manager was standing in the way of the hotel door and she was on the other side of the room so it wouldn’t be easy to get out. She tried to pin the blame on herself but I spent around 10 or so years dealing with fans, it wasn’t her fault at all. All she wanted was an autograph, something that is in and out. That’s what she and her friend wanted, that’s what she explicitly said, that’s exactly what she expected. Not having a band she likes get the really wrong idea and even attempt to use an assumed language barrier to premeditate how they’re going to act on their really wrong idea.

Then, I think about how my other friend, Lupe Fiasco, got his career started. It also started in a hotel room. When he was 19 or so, he wanted to meet Jay-Z bad. Got a chance to go to Jay-Z’s hotel room, spit a few lines and, boom, a fruitful career is born. Never once did Lu have to worry about rape, one of the acts trying to take his clothes off. If anything, sexual assault would have been the furthest from his mind. He’s more worried about the fact he’s about to meet a favorite rapper, hope he doesn’t say or do anything stupid, forget his lines, that this was his chance. He was a fan getting an ultimate opportunity to meet his favorites well past meet & greet time.

This is very much biased. One got to be treated with respect to himself as a person, the other was treated like a call girl and they both wanted the same thing: to meet and interact with their favorites. Hell, asking for an autograph is much easier than asking for a minute of their time to spit some random lyrics but the fact that Lu got that time without so much as a hyper creepy and rapey comment about his body, his stance, the fact he came alone (Oh man, if Lu was a girl, he’d have a much different story on that premise alone) or anything that my other friend encountered.

Misogyny sucks, especially when paired with music. Or comics. Or society.

 

Alright, that’s all for The Arts!, next week is Ask Black Witch. Get your questions in. Remember, good questions are appreciated, bad questions are eviscerated!

Running Black Witch, I’m certain that I would get odd questions now and again. However, as of recent I’ve gotten a rash of “tell me if this girl like me” questions. This has been coming from nothing but guys, only guys have been sending me questions – or demands because manners are lost on them – to do divination or whatever voodoo that I do to figure out something that should not need divine questioning for. I always give my copy and paste answer of “Have you tried asking her?”

I find these questions annoying for two reasons:

1) If they did a little more than the most basic skimming of my site’s name, they would know that I don’t do divination readings on here until Samhain Pickers close to Halloween and even with that, you have to win the reading via random drawing

2) Why ask a random stranger on the internet if someone you actually knows likes you? Just ask!

The reason why I always respond “Have you tried asking her?” to their “Does she like me?” question is because that’s really just it. The best way to find out if someone likes you is if you actually suck it up and ask “Do you like me? Y’know, more than a friend?” I’m not saying it’s not nerve wracking to ask someone you have a crush on if they feel the same way you do about them but it is a better step than simply bothering me. Even my personal friends don’t come to me asking this question.

I do find it interesting that I’ve gotten absolutely nothing but guys asking me this. And they don’t go into detail, just basically go, “There’s this girl. Does she like me?” Dude, just ask her. I don’t think I can say that enough. One even decided to play stupid and thought that because I wasn’t psychically confirming whether or not the girl he was too scared to approach in honesty liked him, that it would be best to basically call me a fraud. Not smart. No need to get moody at me for not having the courage to ask for yourself.

These questions are so unnecessary and annoying because, to be frank, if the guy is too scared to make the first step on their own (or if anyone is afraid to make the first step on their own, regardless of gender) then what will they do when things get harder? The sucky part about love is that there’s not really any arbitrary checking scale. Not to mention, if I did do a reading for these guys (who bothered to ask with absolutely zero manners), that means they most likely would bother me every time they had an issue with girls in opposed to actually using logic and social skills to work it out for themselves. Yeah, no.

I really don’t like questions like these because they’re not questions you should be asking me, a random person on the internet. This is beyond dancing around the mulberry bush, this is avoiding the whole block that one bush sits on. It’s one thing if it were someone I knew asking and even then I wouldn’t pull out the cards initially but just ask the basic questions of “How do you know?” and “So, when are you going to talk to them about it?” Being direct, even when it is scary, is the best way to go about it all. You get your answer, everyone is on the same page, it’s a lot better than simply asking me. As long as the guys don’t take on creepy ways to confess to the girls or to ask them simply, they should be fine. Just be sincere and direct.

Of course, there a good reason the guys are asking me instead of the girls first: fear of rejection.

Getting rejected sucks but it happens. These guys gotta understand that. They also have to understand that talking (rudely and abruptly) to a diviner is not going to save them from rejection either. I’ve been rejected, my friends have been rejected, everyone’s been rejected before. It’s not fun but it’s part of life. It could go along well with the girl, it might not. It all depends on a) if the girl actually does like the guy back, b) the guy does not approach the girl in a creepy/domineering manner and c) the guy doesn’t respond to the potential rejection in a scary way. I hope the guys understand that no one owes them a date or a relationship and that if the person doesn’t reciprocate, they don’t reciprocate.

You know what else I’m thinking? It’s possible the guy doesn’t really like the girl in question but wants to know if she still likes him in a romantic fashion. If that be the case, how derpy, ha! Given my interaction with guys, it could be a case of the girl is genuinely nice and the dude misread that as romantic interest just because she acknowledged his existence in a positive or neutral way. If it is that, let it be known that just because a girl is nice to you or is comfortable around you, it doesn’t mean she sees you as a potential boyfriend. Girls create friendships because they’re people and people in general like making friends with those they find amiable. Either way, just ask. And get better understanding of social cues, not everyone who treats you nice wants to date you.

Basically:

  • Don’t ask me if someone likes you, ask that person instead. You’ll get the answer a whole lot faster
  •  Worried of rejection? It’s part of life. Not fun but it happens. As long as you don’t approach like a douche and the girl is not a jerk, you’ll get let down easy
  • Don’t like the girl but think the girl like you? Hopefully it isn’t because she’s nice to you because that doesn’t mean she sees you in a romantic light but possibly just as a friend. And if you do find out she likes you only as a friend, don’t complain you’re being “friend-zoned” because you grossly misread her interactions

Just talk to the girl, already. Skip talking to me – especially if you’re going to be so rude and abrupt – and just talk to her.

Let’s talk relationships. Well, first, let’s briefly mention how I won’t be at Pantheacon after all and the details are at the bottom of the post. Now, let’s talk relationships. Mainly ones that have flat lined and there’s no chance of revival. At all. Ever. Not even if the survival of humanity depended on it.

See, being a Witch, this means I get all sorts of people in my inbox. This also includes the “I Want Cha Back” crowd. These folks, you might as well play the iconic Jackson 5 song, they nearly recite the lyrics word for word without knowing it. These folks tend to contact me in hopes that somehow, despite the fact I have said several times on my site I disagree with manipulative love spells and don’t do Pay for Pray, that I’ll do it for them to bring back that just-recently-reconsidered-special someone in their life. And usually it’s supposed to be done without the recently departed significant other’s knowledge. And usually it involves the fact that the ex is the one who broke things off (and with good reason).

Yeah, no.

When it comes to magick, I always tell people to imagine the mundane version of the magick to get an idea of what they’re doing. For this, it’s no different than stalking and harassing your ex and yelling “I’M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU!” at them as they walk down the street. Very rapidly. Away from you. Far. Away.

Here’s the deal, people: you can’t make people fall in love with you. (Well, you can but they’re not really going to be in love with you. I’ll get to that in a sec.) Love is a natural – and sometimes, a pretty frustrating – process, you can’t really force it. If it were that easy, Ok Cupid and other craptacular sites would never exist … or, at least, not to the extent it does today. If you screw up in a relationship and the other person breaks it off because of that reason or if that other person thinks it would be better to be single for a while, that’s up to them. Not you. It hurts to go through a break up but you can’t force someone’s hand. That’s not natural. And it’s controlling, which is not love. That’s abuse.

Now, note I said that you can make someone fall in love with you but they’re not going to be in love with you. It’s kinda like the mundane world version of blackmailing, harassing and guilt tripping a guy or girl to love you. They may be showing the displays of what is outwardly considered affection but it’s not coming from a place of affection but more of a place of “Will this person stop bothering me?/I don’t feel like I have a choice.” They don’t really love you, they’re just faking it until they see the first opening to dash out into the wilderness like a spooked rabbit.  It’s not right to just control someone’s heart and go, “Newp. You love me now. I may be a screw up and will mess up to the point you’re fully justified to break things off or maybe you need some time to yourself but newp, not letting you go because it hurts me too much.” That’s pretty selfish. Which also isn’t love. Affectionate love isn’t that self-serving and never should be.

Break ups happen for a multitude of reasons. It seems as of recent I’ve been getting the “I messed up/the former bf/gf thinks I messed up but I totally don’t get it” letters. They’re not what I like to see because, welp, I’m gonna probably side with the person who left you because you didn’t get it together as appropriate for the relationship. And I mean when there’s an actual problem in the relationship, such as you being a poor communicator, relying on tired gender tropes and trying to shove your now-ex into said trope boxes, and/or just having too many issues and not dedicating enough time to unpack them in a healthy way. It’s important for people to know that when they’re in a relationship, they’re taking on the role of the significant other, not the replacement-parent/authority figure.

For the former, the “I messed up”, these folks are aware they screwed up – too bad they figured it out faaaaaaar too late. These folks have got to know that there is such thing as the Point of No Return and said point has such a name for a reason. If the now-ex person was a good or even average communicator, chances are they already said their piece and made it known that there was some problematic behavior they weren’t gelling with. Life isn’t like tv, it’s not always that the now-former significant other just up and leave without letting you know beforehand. It’s nice that the person coming to me finally came to their senses about their behavior but guess what? If you have to come to a witch to repair things, it means you still blew it big time, and I mean nuclear. It implies that the ex doesn’t want anything to do with you, doesn’t care whether or not you learned your lesson, and doesn’t want to come back to you. And who am I to force them? I wouldn’t want it done to me, why would I want to do it to others so they can be dragged back into a relationship that made them so unhappy? And this is running on the assumption that the person coming to me not only knows about how bad their flaws were but actually changed them and plan to keep it that way. Usually folks slide far too easily back into their old ways when they feel like there’s nothing to lose from doing it if that desire to change isn’t intrinsic (meaning: coming from the inside). If you messed up, learn how to remedy that and move on.

For the latter “I have no idea how I screwed up but the bf/gf still left me because they think I’m [insert what could actually be the problem], I want them back”, that person is just myopic. Sometimes erratic breakups happen but these folks tend to have a very evident problematic trait that they have no plan on working on any time soon nor want to work on because they themselves don’t see it as problematic. Those folks are unbelievable because wow, talk about dragging someone back to hell. This means they’re not going to work on their problems (because remember, it’s not a problem in their eyes) and they don’t understand that people don’t have to put up with their nonsense if it’s not reaping any super justifiable benefit. People are allowed to be flawed because everyone is but no one should be expecting anyone to deal with their issues as if that’s all that should matter in the relationship. Relationships can’t survive in a one-sided fashion.

It’s important to note that both folks are pretty self-preserving. Instead of letting the ex go (which is a painful and extensive process, let’s not negate that), they’re trying to force someone who’s already made up their mind to leave back into a place they, the ex, already expressed they didn’t want to remain. There’s no thinking about why the ex did it and what good did it do for that ex to leave a problematic person behind or what traits need to be worked on as a whole to prevent this all from happening again. Instead it’s about what unhappiness comes from a break-up and how to somehow turn back the hands of time to revive a dead relationship. Which then becomes a zombie relationship because there’s no love, there’s no feeling. It’s just an undead lingering feeling that will just wrack up more problems and less love because again, you can’t force anyone to love you just like you can’t force a dead person to be alive like they were previously. This is controlling behavior, which is not based in love. At all.

Controlling anyone, removing anyone of their freedom to choose, that isn’t love. Not at all. It hurts having someone leave you but forcing them to come back won’t make anything better. The love is gone, dude. Casting a spell on a person (which is a long and grueling work because chances are it’s going to have to be refreshed again and again and again depending on how long the client wants the spell going) is a terrible way of showing someone that you “care”. It’s no different than sticking a gun in their face and saying “So, we’re gonna be exactly like we were before. You never left me. We never had problems. I’m the guy/girl for you and we’re going to be happy, happy, happy. You just don’t understand it yet but you’ll see. We’re meant for each other.” That’s crazy talk. You need a visit from a therapist, not your ex if you truly feel that way.

Oh. And then there’s the obvious, “No one really likes it when you cast a spell on them to like you” part. I think it needed its own paragraph. Seriously, think about it: “I had a spell casted on you so we could be together, I just really didn’t want you to leave me,” is not going to get you greeted with admiration.

So, if you’re dealing with break-up pangs, don’t contact me about Pay for Pray. I don’t do it and I definitely don’t do it for something as unethical as that. Just let that person go. If they wanna get back with you, you better have your ears open and get ready to do some longstanding work. If they never want to get back with you again, respect that decision. I didn’t say “don’t cry about it”, “don’t get emo about it”, “don’t post ranty blog posts about it”, “don’t express unhappiness about it”. I never said, “Just accept it with a smile and move on as if nothing happened”, I said “if they never want to get back with you again, respect that decision.” You’re free to be as upset as you like. You just aren’t free to take someone else’s freedom of choice just because it doesn’t work with yours.

Now, about Pantheacon. I won’t be able to go due to travel issues (*cough*TSAandPTSDdon’tmix*cough*) and I am going to instead try to do a livestream of my feature instead on the day and time I was supposed to be doing it in Cali, which is Feb 16, 11 AM PST. More updates on that later.

Next week on The Arts!….DOCUMENTARIES (fun/interesting ones, I swear)

– Jimi Hendrix
– Paris is Burning
– Century of the Self

Woo!

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