Category: Relationships and Dating


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Last Ask Black Witch had a question from a person who said he was a witch of 17 years…and wanted a spell to bring back his cheating girlfriend. Part of my response was:

Regardless of whether you practice witchcraft or not, heartbreak is still possible. If someone’s going, “If you’re a witch, why can’t you make the person love you and never leave you?” Because that’s abuse and would you like someone to do that to you? Free will is still a thing. Practicing witchcraft doesn’t make you impervious to life’s problems.

Apparently, that wasn’t all! I got more from the dude after the post went up:

Breh.

Really?

Two things:

A) I seriously think this person has not spent even 17 months in Paganism, Witchcraft, nothing. Ethics gets covered in the first year, so there’s no excuses.

B) Even if the dude decided to forgo ethics over a broken heart this time, he still wouldn’t be begging someone else to handle his problem. He’d already know what to do.

Let’s talk love and ethics in magick because, holy crap, it’s a reoccurring topic. It’s amazing how folks think that because they’re not using guns and threats, it officially not abuse anymore so let’s start there.

What is Abuse?

There are various types of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, verbal, etc) but abuse is basically the act of impinging on someone else’s free will for destructive means. Mundane examples of abuse:

– Restricting contact with others

– Treating person as if property, not as an individual

Gaslighting

This guy here is hurt that his ex-girlfriend (let’s face it, she’s gone), cheated and left…and given his “she’s mine” approach, it makes me wonder if it was actually a cheating. She could have simply have broken up with him and found someone new. It’s not uncommon for abusive significant others to see a clear-cut break up and moving on as “cheating” because, in their head, the person never left or broke up, they’re just playing about – but now they’re being “unfaithful” since there’s a new person involved.

There’s also the thing that this type of behavior doesn’t magically pop up during immense stress, such as a big break up. Oh, certainly, emotions can drive someone to act in ways that are odd to their regular personality but there are such things as red flags. There’s a difference between sobbing “don’t leave me!” on the floor (and via text…and on social media), and declaring “leave me and I’ll kill you and the dog!” The latter behavior shows a more abusive streak that was most likely present throughout the entire relationship (and probably the reason why the person left). This dude is showing the latter.

What points this out is, first, the dude is initially asking about how to get his “cheating” girlfriend back, as if I have a history of just giving out spells and for any request – which I don’t. Then there’s the fact I already suggested moving on and therapy to get over the break up, the dude still asks about spellwork. Being dismissive of the initial answer is not a good look if you don’t want to look like a controlling ex-boyfriend. Listening is a crucial skill in relationships – and when interacting with other humans.

Finally, there’s the phrase of “I’ve been trying to do this without hurting the other guy”.

Usually, I would say, “it’s possible to blame the significant other for straying because they knew they were in a relationship, a fact they could have consciously withheld from the person they were cheating with”, but here? Why put care into not hurting the other guy, which means the ex-girlfriend is 100% fair game? I mean, it takes two to cheat, the significant other and the person they’re cheating with. It sounds like the dude just wants the girlfriend back to simply punish her. Not work things out, just mete out punishment. Which is shifty.

There’s feeling hurt and angry, those are legit feelings, but this is not the route to go down. At all. This is no different if the dude walked into a gun shop and was trying out glocks, saying to the shop owner, “I don’t want to hurt the other guy, I just want my cheating girlfriend back.”

If she’s a cheating piece of sh*t, then just ditch her. Be angry but let her go. Take time to heal and work on yourself.

In general, this is part of why I don’t do pay for pray (paid spellwork), bother with love spells or anything of that nature. Add in human ego and things can go south ridiculously fast.

Ethics is a very boring topic in magick, certainly. It can take the fun out of the whole “Ooooh, I’m a witch!” thing. But it’s important, because it’s better to set the lines clearly before you mistakenly cross them. Ethics is important especially in topics such as love and war because, that’s where they’re most needed.

People make rash decisions. There are pages and pages of history that proves this. People, regardless of gender, are emotive. Incredibly emotive. “Long wars have been fought over small differences” emotive. This can be really, really bad for so many reasons if left unchecked, thus why ethics exist. Ethics are the defined rules a person should follow, regardless what their emotions dictate. No matter how it feels at the time, emotions are not always right. Emotions may feel right, during that moment, but ethics help give a fairly defined “what is right/what is wrong, what is good/what is bad” line to decide with.

This is why I mentioned “what about ethics?” because that should be a go-to. It’s why ethics exist. If you wind up dismissing the ethics, that can be a super downhill slide.

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Sorry for the late ABW, health stuff popped up because I kept burning the candle at both ends. Let’s get into it!

My  name is Casandra R. and I’m a New witch and I am wondering where to start?

– Casandra R.

My immediate suggestion was my go to suggestion – start off with Where to Park your Broomstick by Lauren Manoy. ‘Tis a classic!

I’m familiar with the author first book. I read was the Salem witch trials and Marie Laveau and. Shakespeare Macbeth, the Crucible and Wizard of Oz.

It’s great she’s working on her history. Salem Witch trials was a favorite history chapter for me. It’s also nice she is reviewing classic works such as Macbeth (which is less about Witchcraft and more about “what would you stop at to succeed?” The Tempest has more witch stuff in it but strictly for entertainment, like watching Charmed.), the Crucible (based on the actual Witch trials, one of Arthur Miller better works) and the Wizard of Oz (has nothing to do with actual Witchcraft, is just a nice fantasy story, I prefer The Wiz more).

However, this is better suited for understanding the cultural ideas, perspectives and beliefs related to the concept of magic, sorcery and witchcraft in general Western mainstream society (and mainly from a very White gaze, given only Laveau is the only person/historical event that isn’t White). There are a lot of pretty okay academic research books on this subject so it isn’t a bad research topic.

I had also mentioned to just avoid Raven Silverwolf by any means necessary.

Name rings a bell. Is she or he bad ?

Ah, the younger generation do not know the phenomenon that is Raven Silverwolf. She is the person that took Witchcraft, Paganism and Wicca, turned it into watered down, sellable product and proceeded to do exactly that. She shelled out everything to do with magic, despite being new agey as all get out. And I bought two of her books when I was a teenager. She knew how to pitch her stuff, that’s fact.

It isn’t that I doubt she was an actual Witch, she just was the Billy Graham of American mainstream magick and witchcraft in writer form. She was certainly the darling of her printing press, Llewellyn. Honestly, it’s better to read Ellen Dugan instead. She’s much more down to earth and less shilling, more informing.

(For some odd reason, her site pitches a series of books called “The G[*]psy Chronicles”, this is where you sigh and facepalm as you scroll past the banner)

Hello, I need help I been a witch for 17 years. My girlfriend cheated on me. I don’t who he is and I want to break them up and get her back, what do I do?

– Phillip K.

Regardless of whether you practice witchcraft or not, heartbreak is still possible. If someone’s going, “If you’re a witch, why can’t you make the person love you and never leave you?” Because that’s abuse and would you like someone to do that to you? Free will is still a thing. Practicing witchcraft doesn’t make you impervious to life’s problems.

Frankly, my suggestion is to pick up and move on. Read a couple columns from Dr. Nerdlove, who has written aplenty about cheating and bouncing back from that. There’s no point in even trying to magick her back because it’s not like you’re going to have a happy, healthy, joyful relationship. It’s going to be a lot of unresolved zombie issues lurking all over the relationship and one thing I always notice about these “I want her/him back letters” – no one really talks about the love lost like it was a dear friend they miss but more in the vein of “That guy took my stuff, I wanna get it back”. That’s a bit concerning. There is feeling hurt, yes, but getting someone back blindly won’t fix anything.

If anything, this dude could better benefit from a therapist to get past the bad feelings and if he really is a witch of 17 years, then he should get some rose quartz and work of building his own self-esteem and self-care.

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It’s Ask Black Witch! Let’s get into it!

Hey. I’m black and new to Wicca and I am a bit scared. I read some stuff about it being good and just recognizing that everything we need is already provided for us. I’ve also read some not so good stuff that said it’s the devil trying to lure you away from Jesus and how they went back to Christ after bad experiences. I set up an altar but I don’t know what to do with it. Who am I praying to? You know? I was wondering if you can help me? …I guess I’m scared of like opening doors for things that aren’t good. Like I said… who am I praying to exactly in Wicca? I’m def not praying to a horned God… I get a bad feeling about that.

– Alie B.

Oi, you practically sound like me when I was a teenager getting started into Paganism. (It’s not Wicca but Wicca falls under Paganism the same way Catholicism and Baptist fall under Christianity). Growing up Christian, you get that thinking of if you step one toe outside of the Bible, God and Christ will both hate you and come down from the Heavens to strike you down.

“How dare you be nice to gay and trans people! Jesus didn’t die for you not to have guns and never vote Republican!”

Yay dealing with religious social doctrine and the fear it can induce. I remember when I would go through the “Am I saved? Does God hate me? Maybe I should be saved” go-about. I still remember reading a small Christian tract via the light under my door when I was a young teenager, fearful that I wasn’t somehow saved…despite doing it several times prior. I remember being scared to even touch books about witchcraft and divination because it was supposed to be demonic and so on and so forth.

I’ve heard the “Wicca/[other religion] is just the devil tempting you away from Jesus” shtick soooooo many times. So many times. That it will cause life issues, that your life will fall apart, you’ll never have material wealth, your credit will be bad, your pet hamster will set the house on fire with pipe bombs and attempt to assassinate the mayor, everything terrible will happen.

I know from experience how scary it sounds because you don’t want to make the wrong life choices and piss off a jealous god. Thing is, there’s really no right or wrong answer and there’s definitely no right or only religion. I mean, think about it like this: there are tons of religions that existed waaaaaaaay before Christianity and a good chunk of them said the same thing: “Hey, we’re the one true way, anyone else is wrong!” It’s a great way to keep believers but it’s a pretty crappy way to keep everyone else in the religion.

Even if you stayed Christian, you’re going to have crappy life experiences. Everyone, regardless if they practice any faith or not, is going to have life experiences that are horrid. Your life is not going to take a turn for the worse by itself because you switched faiths.

Granted, while the world does not care what religion you practice, the people around you might. I learned that when I became Pagan, the life issues I had were mainly people-related because, well, they didn’t like the fact I still converted away from Christianity despite their fear-mongering…so they decided to try to make my life very hard. Just so they could artificially prove their point that if I left Christianity, my life would get harder. The game plan was that I would go “geez, you’re right” and go back to Christianity. Instead I went, “wow, you’re doing all the terrible things. That’s not an act of God, it’s an act of discrimination. Glad I’m not part of that religion anymore.”

Now, you don’t have to pray to anyone in particular. That includes the Horned God as well. (I had the same squicked out response you did when I started. I still don’t pray to the Horned God and I’ve been Pagan for practically half my life.) You don’t have to pray to any particular god or goddess, frankly. You can just be general about your prayers to nature or the universe itself, especially if you’re new. You can pray to a general God and Goddess/Lord and Lady, not to a specific deity. Or to a goddess in general, instead of a god. These methods are probably a good place to start until you learn more about various deities as time goes on, anyways. That way, you don’t scrunch yourself into a corner.

The altar you have can be decorated with whatever you want. There is no must for set up. Do you like the sea a lot and really relate to the water element? Seashells, sands and more seashells! Have a little enhydro agate (a rock that naturally has water inside) in the middle of the altar. There you go. Prefer air? Feathers and wind chimes are the direction you should go in. Don’t care for any of that stuff? Stay super general and put some nifty rocks and candles in that space. There’s no rule that says you have to have an alter, either. I actually don’t. I never did because I was hiding my faith when living with my parents but now, it stuck. One less surface to clean and tidy up.

In Wicca, there a lot you can do. Partially because it is a religion that was created in 1957 so it doesn’t have a lot of mileage like other faiths do. Doesn’t make it less valid, it just means you shouldn’t put yourself under a bunch of pressure.

As long as you’re not trying to summon spirits or leap straight into astral projection, you’re fine. You don’t want to get ahead of yourself. Just read a lot of books (stay away from Raven Silverwolf, good gods, she sucks) and take it easy.

(For everyone reading, if rape is a trigger for you, this is the end of the column. See you next week!)

Hi…. The  great witch i am aashu i am 26 i  always wants a succubus for me many of times i tried retuals and everything but  didn’t get one many of times i written letter to the great Lilith but didnt get responce i was trying  in last one year can you help me to summon succubus as my partner and my lover i love succubus can you help me 

-Aashu T

Firstly, my initial response to this email:

This is an incredibly stupid question for many reasons. Why do you think I do spellwork for others? Succubi are not fun romps nor do they love, they rape, which is not fun (ask any rape victim. Any. Guy, gal, doesn’t matter). Lilith isn’t a succubus, idiot, she’s supposed to be the first wife of Adam that is cast away because “she’s too independent” (which is stupid on it’s own). 
Maybe you should just buy a fleshlight and stay out of magick. I’d suggest dating but you probably shouldn’t interact with other humans since thinking of some sort  is a quality most look for. At least I’ll have a question to mince on ABW. This is definitely a stupid question.
Okay, let me break down why this is a really, really, really stupid question. 
Firstly, let’s break down rape itself because the Succubus part is going to be super simple after that. Then the gender part because, holy crap, that’s super evident.
Rape, in short, is non-consensual sexual acts. It does not matter if the non-consent takes form of fighting back, arguing, being frozen as a statue, looking terrified, attempting to leave, being asleep or unconscious, resisting (even super slightly), being drunk or simply any other act that does not scream “consent/yes”. If it isn’t consent, it’s rape. Plain and simple. It doesn’t matter if the person didn’t scream “no” and starting beating the rapist head in with a brick because that rapist happened to be someone the person knew (which is roughly around 75-80% of rapes in total). Here’s how the FBI defines rape:
Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim. Attempts or assaults to commit rape are also included.
I want to focus on the “without the consent of the victim” part, because that’s what instantly turns any sex act on earth into rape. Instantly. Consent is a big deal because of how many people bypass it due to bullsh*t social constructs that usually hinges on toxic masculinity worldwide. (Think of the alpha/beta and red pill/blue pill arguments that are frequent on Reddit and 4chan. And why the 14th/15th century term “cuckholding” is getting a resurgence centuries later.) While there are widely circulated ideas that a “real man” takes sex (rapes) instead of waiting for it to be offered (waiting for consent), it makes for a lot of terrible experiences for the person it happens to. Traumatic experiences. Much, much more traumatic than the childish worry of “I can’t get laid”. So traumatic that you have to warn people of the topic ahead of time so they can prepare themselves in case they get flashbacks from their own person experience with it.
Oh, and it’s illegal. FBI changed the definition back in 2013 because they wanted better accuracy because better accuracy means longer prison sentencing, which I strongly support.
Now, remember the “no consent = rape” bit, it’s going to be important now that we’re about to talk about the succubus part.
A succubus, as defined by Mythology Dictionary:
A demon in the form of a female which attacks sleeping men and has intercourse with them. [BW note: A male version is called an “incubus”]
Now, if a guy thinks that this sounds fantastic, a woman – well a demon – always down to have sex kinda forgets that the words “attack” and “sleeping” are used. It’s rape. If guys thought that rape was awesome, they wouldn’t use rape jokes and rape threats so much or get intensely emo when accused of it. It’s also part of why summoning a succubus is difficult because…if it’s consent, it’s not rape. They rape, which implies non-consent. If there’s consent, it’s a sex act. If there’s no consent, it’s rape. It’s like saying, “I want people to rob me so I just started giving my stuff away to random people on the street.” That’s not getting robbed (the act of having your things taken away from you without consent), that’s donation (willfully giving your stuff away).
In a nutshell, if you’re willing, they’re not showing up. And if they did, it would not be while you’re willing. And it would definitely not be the stuff of dreams but the fuel of nightmares. Example: if you’re a dude not into pegging or stressed limbs, the succubus would make the whole experience 100% pegging and stressed limbs. Because it would be rape due to the absence of consent and crossing of established boundary. Because succubus only rape.
Alright, now onto Lilith, who is not a succubus. Granted, I may have screwed up my Liliths. I was thinking of the first wife of Adam. There’s a different one, as defined by Mythology Dictionary:
A Babylonian goddess. She is envisaged as a winged demon woman attacking sleeping men. Also called Lilith.
Actually, reading what the God Checker link and Mythology Dictionary has, this goddess has most likely seen some historical retrofitting. Either way, this is probably more of what the guy thought he was summoning. Still not a succubus. That would be a regular demon. This is a goddess which is almost more facepalming. If demons are hard to control, deities are absolutely worse. And all to get laid? Oh geez, here’s Oh Joy, Sex Toy’s review on various fleshlights. They’re all in easy-to-read comic form and have discount codes.
This guy wanted Lilith, a goddess that has also been depicted being a vampire and eating babies and raping men, for a partner. As if she would be entertained in a worthless human guy when she already had options of otherworldly demons. It’s a little funny because if this dude thought he could control Lilith, which other deities were having issues doing, it really shows this guy has room temperature IQ, Celsius.
Alright, we got the Lilith bit out of the way. Let’s focus on the gender stuff.
I don’t think I have heard of women wanting an incubus. Wait, no. I remember literally one time a woman said that to me and what stood out to me was how other women stared at her. No high-fives. No jovial agreement, just plain “what the fu-” stares. Y’see, rape is already a horrible and very real threat held over women heads constantly all around the world so it doesn’t sound like a fun sex romp but like the terrible action it is.
Note, this is different from force-laden BDSM acts, which are discussed prior in a non-sexually charged and sober setting to iron out the details. This is a form of consent because all participants are comfortably planning in advance what is ok, what is not ok, where the boundaries are, how to do aftercare, safewords, etc. This is consent in action.
Frankly, this question is the kind of question I definitely want to see less of. There’s being lonely but read Dr. Nerdlove to sort that out.

Firstly, sorry I was away for a while, I had EEOC and police/Internal Affairs stuff to attend to.

Now onward with the post!

Throughout Black culture, there is the idea of “Black Love”, which is very pure in concept: Two Black people in a gentle, calm and strong relationship that features a strong Black man that takes the helm of everything, is the protector and provider of the home, and a strong and intensely supportive Black woman who is always behind him, taking care of all home business: rearing the children, keeping the home non-chaotic and making sure that any drama is quickly vanquished.

This belief is very common in pro-Black circles as an aspiration of what to attain, it’s also common in general mainstream Black culture as an ideal relationship for Black men and women. The idea bores from the belief that “no one else likes us or cares about us so we may as well support each other”, a rejection of universal anti-Blackness. This is a great idea but it’s exactly that: not reality. It’s also warped and modified primarily as a purport for Black masculinity since it is rarely, if ever, non-hetero in its depictions and does not really allow women to have much agency. That and it’s basically the 1950’s American nuclear family ideal painted black and a little ankh hung somewhere for decoration.

On its face, the concept of “Black love” is a very beautiful one. It’s smiling Black couples on the cover of countless Black magazines, usually the woman holding a baby or the couple talking about children. They’re financially well off, they have a home, a car and a world of their own. They could make a White person on the street gag in absolute horror and switch from Sanders and Hillary to Trump in a heartbeat just by walking down the street, hand-in-hand and joyful. They’re an active and passive defiance of many dehumanizing anti-Black stereotypes and offensive to any and many who believe those stereotypes.

But in practice, it’s a very complicated and very hard to exemplify concept that is filled with more problems than beauty. And it’s no hidden secret, countless books have been penned on this subject, especially from the womanist and Black queer perspective.

“True” Black Love does not leave much room for Black women to be individualistic people. It shows stark similarities to 19th century Victorian beliefs of a woman’s place to be an “angel in the house”: The cultural idea to not pursue “masculine” things like heavy careers and individuality because it’s her job to make a “man feel like a man” – as if the man is absolutely incapable of normal human feelings and developing mental and emotional securities by themselves due to (entirely fictitious and scientifically bogus) biological beliefs. If the man left or cheated on the woman, the accusations usually hover around how she wasn’t emotionally supportive or simply caused too much trouble with her own life happenings and therefore, it made perfect sense the dude is going to run off to the next chick that can take care of him like a mother (that gives blowjobs).

The woman desiring a career can be seen as a threat to the “Black Love” relationship – unless it can directly or indirectly benefit the man somehow via paying his bills, giving him supplemental income, basically supporting him instead of a 50/50 relationship. This happens a lot in Black relationships – not in every, of course, but enough to be a well-known concept all on its own. The goal of the woman in “Black Love” is supposed to be that of “Support Black man, have kids, basically be a Black June Cleaver”. If the man cheats, she’s supposed to welcome him back as the angel in the house and get mad only at the woman (or “women”) he cheated on her with for pulling him from pious, Abrahamic monogamy down the deep road of lust. If the man is not there for her emotionally, she is supposed to be okay with that because he’s a man and thus has more important matters to attend to than how his partner feels because it will support the whole somehow – even if it doesn’t help or support her personally, emotionally or mentally. Because women issues never matter and Black women are supposed to be made of spun steel, not capable of vulnerabilities. A “Real” Black woman in a “True” Black Love relationship is supposed to hold her man down: keep his secrets, put up with his many, many, many flaws and be grateful that she has a Black man to have and to hold. She’s the evolved version of the “Ride or Die” chick. And she is depressed, unloved and insecure – but told to always be a giver and never a taker because the Black man already has enough strife due to systemic oppression.

“True” Black Love somehow holds no room for non-hetero relationships. Actually, the opposite. Lesbian “True” Black Love relationships seems mythical and gay “True” Black Love seems to be a mockery on the concept altogether because of the conjunct of homophobic and misogynist beliefs. Monogamy is seen as a must in “True” Black Love, there’s is no room for polyamory, (unless cheating and only if the guy does it because he’s “just being a man”). It appears to be also a must that the expression of “True” Black Love can only be between a man and a woman because it is a copy of the White American nuclear family of the 1950s…which actually makes sense given that the concept was newly crafted in the Pro-Black movements of the ’60s and 70s. There doesn’t even seem to be room for bi-people. Either you’re straight as a rod or you’re not Black.

Long story short, it seems the rigid idea of “Black Love” is more of a myth than an actual experience. Does it mean that Black Love doesn’t exist? No. Not at all. There are plenty of successful Black relationships all over the world that doesn’t dissolve into dysfunction and tragedy. Plenty of Black couples who never cheat on each other, plenty of Black couples who equally work together as a duo and not as a lopsided partnership, plenty of Black couples of various gender pairings that are making it work. Because they’re a couple. And that’s what couples do to make a relationship work. They’re not perfect – like the people in the relationships – but they’re making it work…because it’s worthwhile.

Relationships should be worthwhile and healthy. It is unhealthy to be a Black person in a relationship with another Black person and sticking it through because you don’t want to show society yet another failed Black family/relationship. While the effort is truly valiant, it’s ultimately worthless because instead it’s just the person with the ideal getting hurt. It’s basically like continually hitting your head against a brick wall in front of a passing crowd because you want to prove that bone is actually quite strong with sufficient calcium. Some will note, most won’t and you’re still going to have the random dink in the crowd going, “I dunno, I’m gonna believe that Facebook post about how I can get all my nutrients from the sun.” In the end, you’re just going to have a gnarly headache and not much to show for it. The ideal of “True” Black Love is no reason to be with someone who cheats, is emotionally vacant or otherwise disrespectful because, frankly, that’s not love at all. That’s being conditioned to accept abuse as normalcy hidden under the super thin veneer of “Pro-Blackness”. It’s not love at all if someone doesn’t respect you as a person or keeps coming up with excuses, temper tantrums or trying to control you as part of a relationship.

There’s a justifiable reason why there is pressure to want to have a Black Love relationship but it’s all pointless if you’re with someone that doesn’t suit you. I’ve seen this more with Black women than I have seen this with Black men. Countless times I’ve read and been told of cheatings, beatings and emotional abjectivity. And pretty much all of them stayed because “He’s just being a man” or “I have to support my king” or “I don’t want another Black relationship to fail”. Basically, they all were brought up in the ideals of “True” Black Love and pretty much suffered for it. When the dude would get called out, of course, here came the “I’m sorry”, “I need to be a better man” and other lukewarm fibs just to keep the woman around. That’s unacceptable and unjustifiable, completely.

It should take more than “they have the same skintone as me” as a reason to stay. Yes, actual Black love is very important because there’s enough anti-Blackness to drown a ship, but using a hyper-idealistic version suits no one better at all. Instead of aspiring for “true” Black love, just aspire for a very healthy relationship between two Black people. There is no reason to use a relationship to express a point or idea, just enjoy the other person’s presence the best you can. When two Black folks who love each other genuinely and are best friends with each other, that should be the “True” Black Love ideal.

Hi so I met this guy called Guy McGee* through a Youtube channel, I know bad and he only has like 10 videos and they are all Music because he is in a band and he plays the drums but the first time I saw him I couldn’t take my eyes off him so we then became friends on Snapchat and then Facebook.
But we spoke once and I felt a real connection to him and I don’t wanna tell him coz he’ll think I’m weird but also he lives in a different country as well and I really wanna know there is anyway that he feels the same???? Plus if there is anyway that we will talk more??? and if there is anyway that we will become friends or more????

This has been playing on my mind for a long time and it has been driving me crazy I didn’t wanna it was past life even though it could be and I know this a lot but I would really love it if you could answer them. So thank you for reading it even if you do think Im crazy. 🙂

Hi so long story short I met this guy Called Dude McGee* he’s 18 and lives in America and I’m 17 and l live in the UK we have spoken once before. And I have had the odd message every now and then but I really like him and I don’t think he feels the same. I have had fights with friends and over this and lost my bested friend because of it. The main reason because I didn’t tell her. But he’s on my mind nearly every second of the day and I don’t know what to do. So if you could help I’d really appreciate it. 🙂

I forgot to say that he’s a lead singer in a band and I know it sounds bad and its meant to be that way but I feel like I met him before as well like in a past life and I feel in way drawn to him it’s probably my mind playing tricks bit that’s how I feel and I find it hard to explain

Hello I have a development to my concern he has started to talking to my friend a lot and he was the first one to pop up. So maybe he wasn’t for me but I have liked him for ages but she had a boyfriend but I have no clue what to do

– Genni M.

Firstly, the (*) is to imply that I’ve changed the name. Granted, the guy in reference had two different first names but the same last name so I replicated that. Also, this was a series of emails that basically tell a bigger story, thus I lumped them all together.

Alright, the basics of the story is that the person writing in likes a dude(we’re assuming it’s just one guy) who she has a crush on despite being far, far away. It really eats at her and even gets in the way of her friendships. Now it seems the apple of her eye has been chatting with her friend, who also has a boyfriend.

Now, I wasn’t really willing to do divination because I only do that around Halloween for the Samhain Pickers sweepstakes winners. Besides, this situation didn’t seem to need it.

One thing kiddo has to keep in mind is that just because you get to chat with musicians on the internet, they’re there to promote so of course, they’re gonna bring the charm because it’s good for business. However, this doesn’t mean they’re not people.

Granted, I said maybe she should have a sit-down talk with the guy she has a very apparent crush on but it can also been said this way as well: she’s reading too much into their interactions. Which isn’t insanity, it’s simply having a crush. That’s completely normal and natural, even if it makes you feel absolutely mental. Everyone goes through that.

However, if your infatuation is starting to dent your friendships, it’s time to pump the breaks. Firstly, it appears that you don’t seem to know where you stand with the guy you like. It’s important to discuss that and get on the same page with the guy so you know how each other feels. That should precede everything because it will determine all future interactions, good or bad. Just because the friend is talking to the guy doesn’t mean they’re hitching up…especially if they’re separated by a whole ocean.

I think the infatuation is coloring your perspective. It’s time to find some stable ground and have a chit chat to find out what is happening. Talk with not only him but talk with your friends as well because I’m sure they probably are fussing with you because of how much your crush is blinding you and your better sensibilities and they want the pre-crush you back.

I’m really interested in witchcraft but idk where to start. how did you start?

– reinadelaslesbianas

I started with books, really. My first book is Where to Park Your Broomstick by Lauren Manoy. I thoroughly enjoy and always suggest because of how well-rounded it is. That will give you a great starting place of what to do, what not to do and why.

I was wondering are you familiar with black witch’s b/c I have some questions about it if you could help me……I tried asking the church of god and they said to stop doing witchcraft and I laughed and hung up the phone…..I tried asking the church of satan hq in America and I guessed they were mad when I said demonic spirits…lol….they preached satan and said to join their church…..so can you maybe answer some of my questions…….jim

 ok here’s my question but it’s a story….I can provide details of everything if you want them……I’m a black witch….I used a spell to have someone die and he did in 1 week….since I was 4 I have seen demonic spirits and ghosts….I have been seeing spirits of dead people,animals,insects all my life….I want to know why I can see them…..also when I practice withcraft outside between 9 and 9:30pm a glowing white ring appears in the sky(kinda far away too) while I’m doing my chanting…the ring goes away when I stop chanting….also I tried spells between 7 and 7:30pm and a gray ring appears in the sky and goes away when I stop chanting…..I want to know what this means…do I have a special gift spiritually….please help me or know someone that can help me…..

– James C.

Goodness, why do people write as if they are breathless? Fantastic for stories, not so much for letters.

As a reminder to people, I call myself “Black Witch” because I’m a Black person that practices witchcraft. Not, “I practice left-hand magick” so I’m not a pro in that field if that’s what the question is in reference to. Continuing on, it seems you just simply are clairvoyant and really intuitive to sense and interact with entities around you. Not really a big deal, no great significance in my consideration. You just can do these things, hurray. I’d say “don’t kill people” but I don’t know the circumstances so I’ll just say instead that it’s primarily frowned upon ethically so use very strong discretion. I also don’t know if the magick killed the person and it isn’t coincidence but this letter isn’t really to contest that.

You gave me times but without timezones, so I haven’t much of a clue what the phenomena you’re describing is in reference to. It could be raised energy, it could be a better second sight, that I don’t know. Either way, you seem relatively gifted. I would recommend reading some decent theory books on energy manipulation. That could help as well.

Find a Match

Technology has definitely changed how people can meet one another. Being Pagan, dating is already hard enough because you have to worry about how potential suitors see your religion (which can range from “You’re crazy” to “You’re polytheist, how does that work? That means you don’t believe in god, right?”). Being Black while Pagan and dating is intensely stressful with a pretty small pool to choose from. Too loose with your selections, you’ll wind up with some phony Notep*, fake-deep person who knows absolutely nothing (besides intense misogynoiric beliefs, internalized racism and anti-semitism) and will drive you up a wall. Too rigid and you may wind up just collecting cats and crystal rocks, wondering if you can make Cupid physical just to chuck at him said stones and cats.

Being Pagan, it’s important to date someone who, even if they don’t believe the same thing you do, they can at least respect it completely and not as some wacky phase. Now, it would be cool to find another Black Pagan to date. Someone who gels with you, gets you, is a great friend and a fantastic companion buuuuuut, man oh man, even with magick, that’s a toughie. However, technology helps for being able to find your type. Also, did I mention you should read Dr. Nerdlove because he writes great columns on dating or Bedsider because it’s tons of great, factual info on contraceptives from abstinence to condoms to iuds and safe sex/dating tips? Because you should.

There’s, of course, the popular OkCupid. There’s Bumblr, the dating app where women make the first move (unfortunately, it’s only for Apple, not Android or any other platform.) Recently, a friend of mine hipped me to Coffee Meets Bagel, an app where you only can talk to people if you both mutually like each other’s profile and are connected via the expansive network of your friends. So, I gave it a whirl. Because, science.

One thing I learned from interacting with the app: I have waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many friends in STEM – which is also the same field I tend to usually not date from because STEMbros are usually super annoying, very red-pill and holy crap, a cavalcade of internalized self-hate and insecurity parading as cocky douchebaggery, misogyny and woe-is-me-because-I’m-a-geek. That and Finance…and Medicine (this is simply for me, not every woman that walks the earth because, personally, don’t gel with them as potential romantic partners). Just ain’t my gig, brah.

Alright, just because technology has made dating (slightly) easier, it doesn’t mean everyone is going to be a winner. View examples below…actually, before I begin, I would like to mention that, sadly, there is only “Straight/Gay” selection to view matches so if you’re bi or pan, I guess you’ll have to switch every week or something but right now, there’s nothing there on the app for those who date more than one gender, it’s either one or the other. Hopefully, that will change in the future.

Here we have exhibit A:

WTF?

 

Alllllllllllllright. This is a pretty easy way to never get selected. Be prejudiced and bigoted (why say “Jewish” for employer simply because you’re working in Finance?) and, even if joking, come off as an omega douche. Relationships are about communication, even if it were with a telepath. Basically, doesn’t really talk about what they want in a person in terms of personality (“Someone with a great sense of humor”, “Easy going and quirky, just like me”, etc) but basically wants a doll, nearly. There’s only one thing about personality (“can be bold”) and the rest is, well, not personality. It’s okay to say to not wanting vapid, shallow or vain people by saying “I want someone who lives life out loud and down to earth” or something like that but to just say “Here’s a list of what you can’t be. Either you’re in or you’re out…and the list doesn’t apply to me” because if you’re a self-proclaimed “couch potato” of a gamer, you can’t really call on anyone’s looks how they maintain it or how they eat. And everyone says they work out, almost every guy paints themselves as a gym rat on dating sites, even if they’ve only been in a gym long enough to get out of the rain.

Time to present Exhibit B:

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See what I mean?

This person isn’t sopping with douchebaggery, thankfully, but a bit of spite. No one wants to be cheated on. (And there’s a difference between being cheated on and being in an open relationship – and it involves all parties being in the know.) It sucks that, clearly, the guy must have gone through that really heartbreaking experience, but if all you want is someone to not cheat, that’s a low bar. It’s the same as saying “Doesn’t beat me, not abusive”. It’s goes unsaid that you want someone who loves you, respects you, cares about you. It’s insecurity and fear put on parade to have to put the basics out there. The dude seems like he’s got a personality, an active life but the last bit is a killer.

And Exhibit C:

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Is dude trying to get a date or adopt a pet?

To start with because, wow: “Mentally stable and from a decent home”. Basically “no psychos and …well bred?” This sounds more inline with someone wanting a pet than a person. Is dude going to give you a psych eval and a college admission-level background check? That and anyone can wind up with a trauma or something just as affecting throughout their life, no one is 100% sane. Not even 90% sane. Including people who quip movies in regular, non-film related conversations to make a point.

There’s way, way more examples but this is enough. This shows that it’s still difficult to date, even in the current technological era we’re in.

The best that I can suggest is simply to think about what one actually wants in a person. Not in physical wants but what type of person they can – and can’t – live with. For example, if someone just dislikes over-hyper people, they’re not going to like someone who is obsessed with Deadpool or Baby Metal because that’s a personality trait that wears them out and grinds their nerves. What makes an awesome friend to you, is a good place to start.

Being Pagan, try to find folks who will gravitate well with nature-based lives or simply aren’t “hard science knows all”. Actually…let’s look at Pagan personals. Being Black, I can already say this will be a depressing experience, I just have a feeling.

Let’s begin!

From a cursory view, there aren’t many strictly Pagan dating sites but since I’ve been Pagan for a pretty good chunk of my life, seeing this many sites is almost like seeing a crowded room where it used to be filled with nothing but air, space and dust just a minute ago.

To start, almost all the sites listed use a lot of the same layout just about. Holy crap. It doesn’t have to look as sleek as OkCupid but, goodness, pay the webcoder more and make it better.

Pagan Partners
The site reminds me of a GeoCities site from the 90s, complete with the little flappy flags. Now what surprised me was I didn’t have to search that long and hard for a Black person. Just one and on the first page. This is improvement because the Pagan community can sometimes act a little too similar to Klan folks but with flowers and folk music. Maybe they’ll have three one day.

The site appears pretty simplex. The landing page is pretty simple (and old school) but pretty restricted for gender selections/orientations (can’t look for bi or ace people). I am happy that there is some diversity instead of chokingly White. It can certainly improve (holy crap, it needs to improve) but at least there’s something.

The member search don’t have screen names but just present the start of their blurb, which is nice. You can look in each section one by one, it’s nice. However, you don’t know when the blurb got put up or anything, there’s no reference to time. The profile could be a zombie profile (inactive for a long time) for all you know.

I don’t have a membership but I would like to imagine that there’s an intricate search feature so you can look for other Black Pagans easier.

Pagan Dating
This site looks a bit better than Pagan Partners, it’s interesting and engaging. Very closed off from outside eyes (which can be a good thing, especially since some Pagans aren’t out of the broom closet yet) but you can see the many faces that are on the site. I see specks of Black folks here and there and just like anywhere, I hope there is a search feature that allows people to whittle down to the finds they want.

They put up “Pagan Dating Privacy” notice which is sensible and up front. Joining is free but it appears interacting more with anyone you click with may cost you but it won’t cost you much – as low as $5/month because it’s a small Pagan business.

Pagan Harmony
I swear the site looks so much like wicca.com. The colors, the foliage design, the Celtic sigils, ye gods. These folks are UK-based (but have selections from around the world) and have an option for those who are open, bi, whatever, in addition to the usual straight/gay pickings.

Also, Pagan Harmony lets you see how long someone has been active on the site with an “Active within 1 month” or “Not recently active”. That’s super useful for a user to know. Also, by just looking at the straight male selection (that had pictures), I scrolled through 10 pages and saw only two Black guys. That’s not good. Everyone else appeared White for the very most part.

Alright, we looked at quite a bit, wow. The Pagan dating sites are still omega starved in regards to diversity. It was hard looking for guys my own race, I couldn’t imagine how much more difficult it would be to be Latin and Pagan or Asian and Pagan. Being Native and Pagan would just be rage-inducing, I’m sure.

There’s a lot out there but in a way, it seems the same thing over and over. One thing I always tell my guy friends (because there’s not a lot of honest (and non-misogynistic) dating advice out there): Have a personality. It isn’t lame to be not-lame. Sex is not all there is, and if guys think that’s all they need to seem decent to a woman or to keep one around, they should know that technology is waaaaaaaaaaaaay ahead of them.

Oh, man, I remember a guy friend of mine stumbled onto a sex toy online store and was super frustrated to the point of comedy. Just clicking through page after page, just going “Whu- what? What is this?! Why is it so small?! And it’s…it’s a top seller? Why is this so teeny? It looks like a silver, teeny egg, is that what wome- WHY DOES THIS PEEN LOOK FUTURISTIC?! And it plays music? AND A LITTLE LIGHT SHOW? IT’S. A. LIGHT. SHOW. Why does it have an rpm?! CARS have that! I…I can’t do all that! I can’t be a walking rave. Why do women need this – do women need this?! I feel replaced by a $20 singing glow stick that could probably mix paint and test blood and this little $5 egg. I thought…I mean…what the fu-“

It was glorious.

Going back to what I was saying, technology is waaaaay ahead of dudes on women’s libido, might as well have a personality worth sticking around for[link]. A well-rounded personality will get you a lot farther than just being window dressing. That’s what magazines are for.

Also: If you’re a guy and you want to put up a profile photo…AVOID POSING WITH GUNS. Please, for the love of all that is good and fluffy, don’t post a picture of yourself with a gun. It doesn’t matter that you love guns and want to attract a girl who also loves guns. That’s fine but there’s other ways besides packing heat in your profile pic, like talking about it (in a way that wouldn’t have the FBI raising an eyebrow), mention that you like going to a shooting range, something like that. Even women who are pro-guns still are aware that quite a bit of women die from them as a result of a douche dude with a gun. You don’t want to come off as the “All-In-One Abuser Boyfriend: Homicidal Maniac Edition! (Comes with one (1) free Insane Clown Posse/NWA cd)” type. Basically: keep the guns out of the profile.

Relationships are tough, that’s no lie. Dating is also just as tough, if not tougher. Dating while Pagan is a challenge, dating while Pagan and Black is super difficult. I was mainly talking from a straight girl perspective but still, dating while Pagan and Black is tough, regardless of gender (however, gender definitely can play a role). Technology helps thins the crowd in an effective way but it’s no magic elixir from loneliness. That takes work, time and due diligence.

*Sliding away from “Afriboo” which I derived from “Weaboo”, which is a person who obsesses over Japan to the point of fetishism, but for anything and everything Africa: the people (including the diaspora), the culture and beliefs – to a pretty fetish-y, hyper-romanticizing extent. Sadly, “Afriboo” sounds waaaay to close to other, not-fun words, which can cloud meaning quiiiiiick.

How Many, If Any?

I’ve been wanting to talk about relationships and dating while Pagan for a while. Now’s a good time as any, especially since it’s been a while since I’ve visited the topic. A while. That means there’s going to be several posts on the topic.

Alright, folks, let’s begin with the basics and work our way up.

As longtime readers know, I like to suggest Dr. Nerdlove at every twist and turn because he write very factual posts about dating and getting better at it. It’s always great to have a decent blog on something that is quite complex.

What I also like about his writing is that it is not the usual dating advice blog as he mentions gender issues and is open minded about various orientations. Let’s start with some basics:

It seems a lot of people worry about faithfulness in relationships and some are not sure that monogamy is for them. I would like to remind people that there is a difference between being polyamourous/open and cheating. The difference is with polyamorus (“Poly” for short) or open, everyone is very in the know and consents to such a relationship without pressure and of their own free will. (If they did consent under pressure, that’s just a sign of a relationship that’s definitely not going to last and potentially abusive.) Cheating is when only one person is dating freely and openly and doesn’t tell their significant other(s), leaving the significant other to falsely think they’re in a monogamous relationship when they are actually not. The difference is being up front.

Not everyone is cut out for monogamous relationships. Having attractions to other people besides the one you’re consciously and actively betrothed to is natural, right down to brain chemistry. Monogamy is human-made, attraction is not.* However, the difference between being a cheating piece of crap versus a poly person is being open about the fact to whomever they’re dating at the start, or – if the realization finally dawns on them – when it becomes a strong enough realization so that the significant other has time to decide how to feel about it and make a proper decision for themselves about the current relationship. Particularly including whether or not they want to stay in the relationship now that it may potentially be switching up and out of their comfort zone, which is perfectly in their right to feel and decide without pressure (pressure would signify a potentially abusive partner).

Also, poly relationships are not easy because dating just one person is already hard enough, throwing more people to the mix is intensely more difficult. I have a couple friends in poly relationships, it’s like jugging eggshells and bricks together, not collecting a harem.

So, if you want to date several people at once, make sure to let the people you’re dating know that, too. That’s the important part. And Bedsider is your best friend in knowledge of safe sex because, regardless of how many people you date, from one to whatever, you want to be smart about it.

Okay, got that out the way, I’ve been reading and hearing quite a bit on poly relationships and then you have folks who seem to be so keen on cheating (or strongly perpetuate “side piece/main piece” culture, which is cheating, not being poly) when life would probably be a lot easier if they just were upfront with everyone (Not pulling a Newt Gingrich, actually honest) about how they date. That and I wouldn’t have to see a person busting up their unfaithful significant other’s very nice car with a baseball bat. That poor car. Didn’t do anything but be a pretty car.

Moving on, next post – Tech and Dating

*Money and language are also human-made, and they’re no less realistic or effecting. Don’t bring up “Monogamy is human-made, therefore I should date other people, regardless of whether or not you’re ok with it, because science” as a defense because you wouldn’t say “Money is man-made but electricity is not, therefore I shouldn’t have to pay my electric bill. Ever. Because science.” Annnnnnd it is a sign of an abusive/controlling nature.

For some really weird/stupid reason, people keep asking me to cast spells for them, despite the fact I don’t do pay-for-pray/paid spellcasting for other people and have made that clear a number of times. I don’t personally do it because ethics, but the same people, already showing a major lack in cognitive skills, they think my hard fast ethics will magically disappear if they say, “I’ll pay you”, because listening skills are not prominent in the intellectually redundant. I know I’m American but I lean Socialist, not Capitalist, with my opinions on money. If I say I don’t do paid spellworking, I think you should listen. Besides, paid spellwork costs somewhere around college tuition and most aren’t forking that out, I’m American enough to know that.

This goes double for love spells. Least favorite request (next to body-switching spells, which, as a result, I mercilessly mock), especially spells that try to control another person. It’s stuff like this why A) I don’t do paid spellwork B) Why I never deal with love spells, I’d rather counsel rather than help someone Evel Knievel their love life because love lives are already sticky enough without magick.

And this is where the story/example starts. A dude contacted me because they wanted their wife back. Already, this will be a doozy. At the start, I roll out the basics (click through if too small):

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Usually when people say “I need your help”, especially if they write pretty poorly, it’s usually an eventual request for me to do paid spellwork, which I don’t do. I say that all the time. Alllllllll. The. Tiiiiiiiime.

Continuing on:

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Just to be super basic, I don’t call folks. Yes, there is a Black Witch number but that’s mainly for business, not simply to talk to readers unless it’s super duper necessary, like the person is suicidal or going through a mental breakdown or something. This does not count as super duper necessary. That and I was on a phone call via Kakao to a friend in Korea. I’m not breaking that enjoyable phone call for some person who managed to probably nuke their own relationship.

For starters, the wife left this dude and took the kids with her. And as this convo goes on, I’m gonna put a little tic where this dude basically lacks all listening skills eh, you can probably count for yourself, it’s pretty obvious. And since I don’t do love spells, that means I shift into counselor mode, hence why I asked what did they argue about. The simple fact the dude quickly goes, “We were perfect but then her mom got in the way” pretty fast is definitely an issue. Yeah, there is such thing as meddlesome families but there’s more than one side to every story.

Here comes the issue: “Is there something [you] could do to help fix it so my wife will talk to me again”

I smell a spell request about to happen. And a manipulative one at that.

Screenshot_2015-05-30-08-14-25-1

As this dude tries to explain (describing endometriosis as merely “a female sickness” is already problematic and distancing, if he said it like that in front of her, that’s one reason why she’d split), it seems that the estranged spouse had a lot going on and simply wanted to cut whatever she felt was possibly adding to her stress. It’s usually never a good sign if someone tells you they fell out of love with you. That’s not something people do lightly.

And here comes the first mention where I say “I can’t do stuff that directly mess with free will” because messing with free will is bad, especially in magick. Now, everyone, why I especially don’t do it in love spells is because controlling others is abusive, regardless of how it happens. Forcing people to come back to you is never good, even if you miss them a lot. Because, if you want them back simply because you lost them and not because you figured out how you screwed up and want to make things right, then you don’t really want them back for them but for you and your bruised ego, heart and pride.

Alright, moving on:

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This dude starts to get a wee bit confusing. First time he mentioned that they weren’t spending a whole lot of time together, it sounded like the (ex)wife was making the claim. Now it seems dude is trying to back-peddle a little. That’s suspicious. And if it is the case of me simply derping out, if it is him who wants them to more time with each other, and she’s parted ways, maybe he’s starting to show an obsessive side…y’know, more than he already is.

This dude is super hardheaded, to be honest. This is a first of a buuuuuunch of times that I say “you can’t force her”. Because you can’t. If she wants to be gone, she wants to be gone, plain and simple. Yes, it hurts but life isn’t easy. And I get really confused also about how this dude somehow never knows what his soon-to-be ex is doing but somehow still knows updates about her life despite being somehow cut off from everyone who talks to her. That and how he bounced between “no one speaks to her, she’s basically alone” and “oh, they talk to her but not to me.”

Also, holmes shows a stunning lack of listening skills (which, mind you, are vital in a relationship) because despite the fact I said that I’m not doing any spellwork, he keeps asking. If you’re going to hardline like that, no wonder she left. It’s a really self-centered move to basically sidestep something someone says just because you don’t agree with what you hear. You can’t just ask the same question over and over in hopes a “no” will turn into a “yes”. It’s badgering.

And here comes the mother being somehow evil and masterminding the breakup. Somehow, I’m not buying this. Yes, meddlesome relatives are very much a thing but I don’t think that is what murdered this relationship.

Screenshot_2015-05-30-08-14-56-1Or the (ex)wife’s sister. The plot thickens!

This dude’s telling me that he never got along with her family (who she is close with so of course their opinion of him matters because she cares) and they never talked about it? That is a super dunce move because you basically have a live mine laying around buried in your relationship, quietly laying in wait. Everyone, if you have something like this TALK ABOUT IT. Because it will bubble up somehow, some way. Ignoring a problem won’t fix it. What this dude is calling “negativity” and “they just don’t like me” could very well simply be the mom and sis telling the (ex)wife that maaaaaaybe this dude ain’t so charming. I doubt they meddle in every relationship this chick has ever had because they’re from Cinderella’s step family.

Brah, what the flying fu- “She got a good man”?! Brah think he’s Will Smith or Barack Obama or something. Here’s the main difference between him and them: they still got their wives and don’t have to beg anyone to make them come back. Painting himself as the victimized, hard-working husband is super annoying because it usually never works out that way. In disintegrating relationships, it’s a two way street, usually. And, everyone, remember that the most common denominator of all your failed relationships are you. If everyone has divorced themselves from this dude and basically alienated him but not her, that’s saying something. And notice how the narrative changes from “she don’t talk to nobody/nobody talks to her” to “everyone sides with her, I get blocked out”?

Screenshot_2015-05-30-08-15-05-1 Screenshot_2015-05-30-08-15-14-1

I know one other person who was in a relationship with someone who had. My guy friend was a lot more understanding than this dude. Also didn’t frame it so poorly. Plus, it sounds like the relationship was dying out for this dude.

Also…Math time!!

They’re both 28, known each other for 8 years (since they were both 20), married for 6 months and got separated for two months after that in those 8 years…

It would be rude to laugh but this is a looooooooong time to accuse a relationship going sour because of meddling. Even Othello wasn’t that long. If your relationship is crashing after a near decade, maaaaaaaaaybe it isn’t outside meddling alone because it should be strong enough to overcome that at the near ten-year point. That and both of you should have gotten used to (with air quotes) her family treating the dude like he’s Scott Pilgrim. And it should have been a point of discussion sometime within those eight years.

But wait…the kiddo is 7. This don’t sound like a “friendship” because while friends share many things, kids right after they initially meet aren’t one of them. Taking the usual 9 month pregnancy into account, it seems like they met, screwed about, wound up with a kid. Since Mississippi sucks on the whole “abortion is an ok option/god won’t hate you/here’s useful birth control methods” thing, this couple decided to wing it with this near-new stranger they just had a kid with. Stuff like this is part of why I sometimes rather counsel queer relationships because, like Dan Savage said, “gay people can’t get drunk one night and adopt.” I feel like if a kid was not involved, none of this would be happening.

This is not exactly a perfect situation. Chances are, the chick saw things were just not working out and ducked. At least she’s stable enough to get her an apartment for her and her kids while this dude is chillin with an aunt.

Since this guy is annoying, I mainly suggested bay leaves because bay leaves are good for luck and fortune. This is simply to boost his luck, not be a magic bullet that forces his (ex)wife to come back to him because, remember, I’m big on free will in relationships. Since this guy is pretty crap at following directions, thus it was a lot of “Yes, do [thing I just said]”, we’ll skip that screenshot.

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Notice that despite the fact I said that the bay leaves are just supposed to boost his luck, he still is asking time and time again if this will immediately fix his relationship. And time and time again, I keep saying, “if it is meant to be, sure” because that’s basically it. I am not going to suggest anything manipulative. Because that’s wrong. I don’t want this dude doing any magick on his wife because he doesn’t have her consent, for one. And for two, he’s not going to cast anything that actually benefits her, just him alone. Thaaaaat’s not love.

Also, here’s a protip: magick is usually subtle. What did this guy expect? That he would burn the bay leaves and immediately his (ex)wife would call him, swearing up and down that she made a mistake and will never leave him again? Naaaaaah, that ain’t how it’s going to work. I intended that. Plus, controlling will is not exactly newbie work and he’s beyond n00b. Still, it’s wrong tho.

Skipping another round of “Yes, do [thing I just said]”, let’s go to the screenshot after that.

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Here comes the dude going on the defensive about how things get bad and basically say “She needs to change, I’m fine as is”. Now, it’s not everyday people are going to be meta and objective about themselves but this is just ridiculous. If you think you’re perfectly fine and the partner needs to change, just let them go. If I have to pry a “But what will you do to help keep up the relationship should it ever come back together” answer, maaaaaybe you should just leave this person be.

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And here comes the really derpy thinking that a “good man” is basically “one that doesn’t cheat or physically abuse”. That doesn’t make you a good husband, you’re supposed to not hit or cheat on your significant other. That’s pretty basic. That doesn’t constitute “good significant other”, that’s the baseline you’re supposed to build upon, end of story.

Considering all of this, even though he likes to blame the mom a lot, I don’t think she is the main reason why she is gone. If anything, I think I’m talkin to ’em.

Skipping a few posts because it’s the same go around because, wow, this guy is hardheaded, I even suggested the dude read Dr. Nerdlove, who has written threegreat pieces, including one recently(oh wait, a newer one! That makes four!), about dead/dying relationships. Dude wouldn’t listen because there’s no “How to make someone who doesn’t love you anymore love you again” article.

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And here comes the granddaddy derp of them all: the “cuz she’s my woman” defense! Dude thinks it’s ok to control people if you’re married to them. I think he took that “love, honor and obey” part way too seriously (do people still say the last bit?). Um, no. The (ex)wife is still an individual, her own person. It doesn’t matter if she is his wife, if she wants to make her own choices, she should be able to. To be with someone who thinks otherwise, they may as well not even get married since that person clearly haven’t moved on from the “property” concept of marriage. Kind of sh*tty concept for the 1500s, really sh*tty concept when you hit the 2000s. She don’t wanna love him for anything, and definitely not for him. She proved that when she walked out the door and blocked him everywhere. And everyone is working in concert with her to make sure he doesn’t know where she is.

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As much as I would have liked to have said this convo ended here, it continued on for a way while longer. This dude needs to simply move on and have a hard think on what makes a relationship “good”. In all honesty, it sounds like an accident with a super long lasting effect. (Remember, safe and consensual sex is great!) And the fact he wanted a controlling love spell to get her back is part of why I don’t do paid spellwork and why I’m vehemently against inflicting on free will. Usually, spells like these aren’t with the estranged’s best interests in mind, it’s usually for a selfish reason. People have to decide for themselves, not have someone wrench that away from them. I’m going to take it that if she doesn’t want to talk to him after 8 years of knowing him, she probably has a very good reason.

Actually, after talking to this dude, I have a strong feeling she had a really good reason. I doubt if she could ask me anything, it would be him coming back to her. She moved on, he should, too.

I was contacted by Huffington Post (on super short notice, wow) to partake in a talk today about Paganism, Sex and Sexuality. While the talk is all day, my segment will be at 2:50 PM EST and for those who worry of missing it, it will be recorded and I’ll have a link for that as soon as possible (probably tomorrow).

Watch it here.

Ah, love. Also known as “Why Cupid would never want to visit the physical realm even if he wanted to”

Actually, he would probably say, “Hey, I’m just responsible for people falling in love. Y’know there are other gods, right? Like, for lust. And greed. And indecision. And bad decision. And…do you really want me to run down my family tree?”

Dating is not easy. Quite taxing, actually. It’s hard to find someone who is a compliment to your personality and experience and a great friend and is romantically compatible. Odds vary by race but being Pagan shrinks the dating pool even further.

Eurgh.

Ye gods. This sucks.

Ye gods. This sucks.

When you study in the metaphysics and esoteric, you start to normalize your experience from all the time you spend. This can make it tough because of media representation of magick and metaphysics colors the opinion of many so you have to talk with a heavy filter or be very good at gauging personalities and potential reactions. And it sucks when you get questions that basically boil down to “Sooooo…you don’t actually believe this stuff, do you? Oh geez, I’m talking to a crazy person.” Yeah, folks are pretty judgmental. And this is talking to people in person.

It seems the common solution often given to folks with unusual backgrounds (and/or social tendencies such as being introverted) is to do online dating. Dr. Nerdlove writes plenty about online dating, however it can be reminded that isn’t a guaranteed cure-all. While with online dating sites like Plenty of Fish and OkCupid, you can pinpoint select race and religion so you can find another Black Pagan to hopefully gel well with…or at least a Black Buddhist or Agnostic, they’re still people. It’s just this time they are behind screens and with avatars. But, also screening out who you don’t want to talk to gets a bit easier, especially if you pay a small fee to help boost your filters – something women should definitely know to handle the harassing dudes that will inevitably roll into their inbox. More on that later.

There are group specific dating sites such Black dating sites and Pagan dating sites. Pagan dating site are the absolute crappiest if you’re not White because that’s pretty much all that shows on the site. If someone goes, “That’s not automatically a drag,” how these folks talk in terms of opinions and life experience show you would probably be the first Black person they would meet or at least the first they didn’t receive a service from. Pretty much, you’re risking going out on a date with some possible Darren Wilson supporter that claims they know voodoo because of some Llewelyn book and swear up and down they’re not racist but Ferguson is overrated and SNL is brilliant multicultural comedy. Not worth the potential risk. And that’s from the folks who are not super creepy/all screws way loose. Remember, really predatory and abusive people like alt-lifestyle dating sites because they think they can hide their problematic ways under “being eccentric” or behind the “live and let live” thinking with little blowback. And they’re not that wrong, sadly, because some Pagans still believe that any cultural policing is bad policing as if it automatically brings harsh vibes when really active policing to ensure little to no infiltration of bad folks is great policing. Not everyone needs to be welcomed.

Black dating sites aren’t really great for Black folks well outside the mainstream Black experience. If you’re not Christian – or at least Muslim – and most definitely if you’re part of any alternative culture such as goth or punk, you might as well pass. (As for goth dating sites: same problem as Pagan ones, just add bats and black clothes.)

For the most part, that leaves you with online dating sites like OkCupid and Plenty of Fish. However, still you’ll see guys like this:

Why? For his "Most secret thing I'm willing to admit", I'm sure it's "Where I buried my past girlfriends, dates and denied crushes. And you next."

Whhhhy? For his “Most secret thing I’m willing to admit”, I’m sure it’s “Where I buried my past girlfriends, dates and denied crushes. And you next.”

And speaking of nutters like these because feminism/womanism can’t move fast enough, let’s talk filters. This is specifically with OkCupid, bear in mind. Using the settings in the messages section, you can set filters up so that guys who use less than 20 characters (throwing a random number out there, you can choose various character counts) and/or rank less than 70% match go straight into the digital bin. Pay the site 5 smackers ($5) and you can up the filters to be more sensitive, even filter out messages that include specific wordings of your choice like “beautiful”, “sexy” and slurs, whatever you want. This will help you find folks you actually want to talk to. If dudes are going, “How do we talk to you?!” Like we’re human beings: read the profile and start genuine, respectful conversation on their interests and not how they look, genius.

On online profiles, make sure to be upfront about your religious practices so people can choose for themselves if they want to continue to talk to you. If they don’t, try not to take it so hard. Yes, not easy but a must. And try not to settle, if the person is squicked out by your religion or your practices, move on. Ditto to if you’re talking to folks outside your race if they seem to hyper focus on race issues…or just the fact that you’re Black and they still find you attractive. Remember, even if you think they’re great except for this ooooone thing, know that they really don’t like people like you – including you. Just because they’ll take you to a Janelle Monae concert and give you daily hugs, that don’t mean you won’t eventually wind up in their crosshairs. It’s not very hard to drop from “good Negro” to “worthless n***er” in a nanosecond. All you have to do is keep breathing and be a multifaceted human. That’s it. Might as well pass on folks like that but you really gotta develop an ear to really screen them out. That comes from experience by dealing with people.

Also, if they are Black just like you but still say internalized racist stuff like how you’re somehow not Black because you listen to Rock and like UFO pants or that how Black people would be murdered less if they just pulled up their pants – leave them behind. No need to hear from people to talk like they’re possessed by Strom Thurmond. Seriously, if they rag you with, “Maaaan, Black people don’t read,” or “how you Black and you don’t like RnB?” just give them directions back to whatever plantation they stumbled from. Don’t matter if they served in the house or on the field, they still wanna be trapped on the land. There is a whole world out there. Find someone better.

If you’re a guy, please read Dr. Nerdlove. Seriously. Too many dudes with really screwed up opinions about women (and some masculinity issues with homophobia that also stem from misogyny) are super common on dating sites. Too common. Can’t date a woman (especially longterm) if you pretty much learned about them through one sided songs, repetitive movies and near forever tropes in video games. Eventually, the dude spouting this stuff comes off as really rapey/creepy/dudebro/combo. Can’t express how much a bummer it is to see a guy that has diverse interests, a great personality…but is anti-choice, thinks less of women after they sleep with them (brah. Why be upset at the woman for sleeping with you? You slept around, too.), that any sex partner count the woman had above 1 is skanky and think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved and wouldn’t date them even if they were a liiiittle pudgy…while the dude clearly isn’t virginal, quite hairy and could make Rick Ross look healthy weight. Thinking and sounding less like an MRA/”meninist” would vastly improve dating experience, even get approached. And remember, if a girl approaches with actual romantic interest, don’t freak out by saying she’s intimidating or by loudly humiliating her and most of all: don’t hit her. And not every girl that acknowledges your existence wants to get with you. If she asks for the time or makes small talk, she is simply being marginally social to another, locally placed human being (that’s you). If you wouldn’t want to imagine gay guys treating you like this (protip: they most likely never will), don’t treat women like this. Really simple. Not so simple? Read Dr. Nerdlove, he makes it simple. And entertaining.

Dating is super tough, that’s fact. Finding someone isn’t promised to anyone. There are, thankfully, spells to help attract potential suitors but here’s the part where I have to do the Pagan blogger thing about love spells:

 Don't cast spells on other people!

Don’t cast spells on other people!

Intangible things (relationships and dating (in general)) are good things to cast love spells on. Tangible entities … such as, y’know, people, not so good. It’s the metaphysical version of the chloroform cloth and tying them to your boiler in the basement. It wouldn’t be cool if they did it to you, it’s not cool to do it to anyone else, plain and simple. Don’t do it.

And if you don’t have anyone, try not to sweat it. While our society puts a lot of onus on finding someone  no matter what it takes, know that being single isn’t the worst thing to happen to you. Yeah, it’s cold comfort but true. Make sure that if you are trying to find someone, it’s not because you want someone to “complete you” or as a bandaid over your personal issues or to seek external validation of your existence and/or experience. Using other people as an emotional crutch and/or a therapist is never a good idea. It’s different from being emotionally supportive and present, two qualities to gun for instead.

Remember, all a relationship is, is simply a friendship with a romantic component.

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