Category: Relationships and Dating


Here is another installation of Ask Black Witch. As I generally say, good questions are appreciated, bad questions are eviscerated. Let’s start!

Hello,
Hope you are doing well today!

I am in need of a love spell to be cast. I can explain you my current situation. It would be really nice of you, if you can help me out in my situation by suggestion, the best suitable solution.
Actually, I have a very good friend of mine. His name is [Person]. He sees me and care for me as a good friend. But recently I deeply fell in love with him. His marriage is recently fixed, on [Date] (that’s very short span of time)
I just want to know, if we both can be together in nearby future, does he have feelings for me, or can I make him love me and propose to me at the earliest. It would really helpful, if he postpones his marriage for few months at least and thinks about his feelings for me and proposes me instead.

Any kind of guidance/ suggestion from you will be very helpful.
It will be really nice of you, If you can do an initial reading to check if my friend can fall in love with me/ does he love me, it will be really helpful.

– Sumitra K

Here’s the thing when I skim my emails: the second I see “I need a ___ spell cast”, I am immediately tossed into a bad mood. Especially if the _____ is a love spell.

Because I have said on this site time and time again my stance on casting for others (I don’t), love spells (don’t bother with them) and when people ask me to pretty much interrupt the free will of others (controlling is a form of abuse, you don’t love this person, it’s more about you than your relationship). And I’m not a Magic 8 ball so when people ask me divination questions, I bristle at that, too.

So you think you got friend-zoned (which isn’t really a real place but for brevity, let’s use the term) because, I take it, you didn’t say anything about your actual feelings back when you could have thrown your pitch. You’re free to tell the guy you have feelings for them, just to get it off your chest, but here’s the thing though:

A) the dude is about to get married (yes, there is the issue of arranged marriages but that’s not what we’re talking about at the moment)

B ) The dude sees you as a friend, not someone to date. Yay, friendship. Take that as something good and move on because he is very, very soon to be off the market – actually, he’s off the market now. Because he’s about to get married

C) Don’t hold your breath, you can easily wind up in a situation where you find out the dude never shared the same feelings as you. Don’t try to sabotage the marriage, get in the way of the marriage or anything that is meddling. Even if the marriage starts to turn sour, that’s not your moment to go in for the kill. Be there as a friend but don’t be there as a friend with ulterior motives. Because that’s not being a friend, that’s being a conniving person. Does it hurt? Yes. But it is what it is.

D ) Even if he did fall in love with you – how can we forget the actual wife-to-be? Cheating is a douchebag thing to do, divorces are tricky. Nothing has an easy route out. The dude is planted, and there are other people (innocent people, the wife-to-be didn’t ask for any of this, either) connected so this issue is pretty much done for unless the dude gets a divorce and is, therefore, back on the market.

Also, there’s the “recently fell in love” part, meaning this isn’t exactly a slow burn thing but could be one-sided love. All in all, it sounds pretty selfish to want to uproot someone else’s life because it doesn’t fall in line with what you want. Love doesn’t work that way.

Not easy to hear but just date other guys.

 

Is it possible to bring my friend back to life? If so can you do it for me or tell me how to do it? If not thank you for your time.

– Kim S.

Again, a spell request. In the world of magick, it is a good saying “It may be improbable, but not impossible.” But bringing someone back is a big and really, really, really, really, really advanced task. Not for noobs. Those difficulties aside, there’s also the ethics which are blithely ignored. The person won’t be back to their same old selves, they would be changed.

Death is sad but it’s better to find a better way to cope.

Howdy ma’am my name is Glenn nice to meet you. Let me start by saying that I am not a writer, but I have been having an undeniable urge to write. I am a strong believer in nature and evolution. I do believe in spirits, I believe all life is connected. My question to you is more like a request. The book I feel I need to write is fictional, but I don’t want it to be unrealistic. My problem is I don’t know enough about witchcraft to know if I go out of bounds. Would you please educate and guide me? Thank you and nice to meet you ma’am. SEMPER FI

– Glenn B

Yay, military speak, because that always makes me, a strongly anti-war person, happy. No shade on the Marines but that could have been left off.

I mention books all over my website, this question could have literally answered itself with a skim of the search bar I have up top. I am also a writer of fiction but even I get a little odd when I see “I need to write this book” as if there is some divine force leading them. Probably because I worked in one of the Incoming divisions at the Library of Congress, where I saw many, many crappy books by people “compelled” to write that I can’t help but to go “oh, great, another one.”

And I have rarely seen good works that focus on witchcraft, especially by folks who know jack all about it. I’ve come across stuff that just sounds over-technical, hard science re-imagined as magick, dull or chock full of gender tropes. Besides, fantasy is supposed to be whatever the writer wants, anyways.

Long story short, this question could have answered itself with a search bar.

I feel like revisiting an old topic I think is important: Safe sex.

In Paganism, we’re pretty flexible about our standards – we don’t have any “don’t be [orientation]” rules or really any “must be virginal before wedding day (esp. for the girl because misogyny)” type things. Granted, there are countless denominations and forms of Paganism so your mileage may vary but in terms of averages, we’re not as doom and gloom about it. You’re not a terrible person if you’ve had sex, you’re not a terrible person (or a malformed person) if you haven’t had sex or don’t want to. You’re just a regular person.

That said, modern Paganism is very heavy on consent. Unfortunately, a lot of deities have dozens and dozens of stories about them not doing that – that, however, doesn’t give anyone justification or reason to go around like Zeus did. Not at all. Because for every deity that did engage in non-consent, there was always another deity or entity to be vicious about correcting such behavior, even more so to mortals who engaged in the same behavior. Also, please keep in mind that a lot of mythos stories that were kept and passed around more often were created by guys. Just like how there is gender bias in the Bible (using for example), there’s gender bias in various deity stories around the world, especially if they don’t or didn’t have a balanced society. It’s unbalanced perspective that makes entities like Medusa look like an evil villain instead of a rape victim trying to protect herself and deal with the trauma.

For those who go, “what is consent?”, it is pretty simple in the scope of this post: You’re looking for a jubilant “yes”, not trying to bend a hesitant “no”.

Here’s the thing, if the person:

  • Says some version of “no” outright
  • Only says “yes” after much prodding and begging from you
  • Is simply hesitant, reluctant to say “yes” (even if they haven’t said “no”)
  • Not capable of even saying yes or no (i.e. fast asleep or unconscious)

Then it’s a plain “no”. Yes, getting a “no” sucks aplenty but if you wanted your “no” to be respected, ditto with them. Besides, I’m a big fan of folks standing their ground on this subject because a “no” is not a “convince/persuade me”. If you still go ahead without their consent, it’s automatically considered rape/sexual assault.

If someone wants to sleep with you consentually, they’re not going to be indirect about it. Very not.

While on the subject of consent and suches: if you’re an adult and the person who you want to consent/is consenting is not an adult – they’re too young, bro. Don’t pull an R. Kelly, find someone else. If you have difficulty abstaining, talk to a therapist. Or a cop (preferably, the FBI).

If you’re a young person (as in 19 and under), just know that you don’t have to be sexually active by the time you hit college, you don’t have to be gaga over sex (I certainly wasn’t at that age) and if you want to wait for when you are emotionally ready, do so. Also, don’t look at pornography for sex ed or what sex is supposed to be like. Just don’t. It isn’t accurate, at all. Try the webcomic Oh Joy Sex Toy, they have a great section on sex ed that is accurate.

If you’re not a young person, just know that, again, you don’t have to be sexually active if that’s not your thing. Also, for the love of the gods, porn is not accurate. Read Oh Joy Sex Toy.

And here’s another thing about consent: you can opt out of sex in the middle of sex. If there is an act you don’t want to do (i.e.: not your kink, just not up for it, gotta go to work soon, etc), you can say you don’t want to do it. If the partner complains that it will cause them strife for you to stop (guys may complain about “blue balls”, which is pretty over-exaggerated), tell them to walk it off. It’s uncomfortable, not fatal or disabling. You won’t return to find a dead body. If so, just chalk it up to Darwinism and say so at their funeral.

Sex should be an equal agreement, not a fight. If you have to struggle to get it, it’s better to back off and work on yourself. No one owes you sex, whatsoever. That’s not how it works. You could save their life, their grades, their pet, whatever, and they still don’t owe you that.

All that out of the way, let’s talk about safe sex and contraception.

I will always suggest Bedsider for all go-to info about contraception, they’re the most comprehensive and thorough site I have ever found on the subject. They can even filter each method under different needs (such as “party ready”, “hormone free”, “sti prevention” and “easy to hide”.) They also have useful articles about relationships, consent and sex. If you’re interested in any method that you find (they have things for all genders), the site can help find a health provider or inform you if it is over the counter/available in a regular store.

Some contraception methods, like condoms, are available in a store and online. Do not try to fashion your own, just get some. You can visit a local hospital, college health center, planned parenthood or local health clinic to get free condoms, no questions asked (some of these locations will also provide free STD/STI testing). I recommend CondomDepot because they are really, really discreet (Amazon is not and if you’re on a family account, you may be screwed – and not in a good way) and everything is user tested on the website so you’re getting actual feedback and reviews. They also have a “Learn”  section that includes a buying guide, a how-to sub section and informative articles. They sell all things condoms and other, related items.

If you used contraception and if failed, your best bet is to get an after-morning pill or consider abortion if longer than a week. Though the “after morning pill” is called such, it can be up to five days later. Bedsider has a great article on it, as well as how to get it.  Some, such as Plan B, are available in regular stores, no prescription needed.

As for abortions, those vary state to state in America. Bedsider has a plain, informative write up about abortion, the various methods of it, myths about it and where to get it. It’s okay to not be ready for parenthood – that’s why you were using contraception in the first place, right? It’s much better to have the kid when you’re actually ready. Otherwise, you could bring down the child’s quality of health and happiness vastly because of fiscal, emotional or life instability. A parent has to be dependable and that takes forethought. That and no one really relishes in being told they were an “accident” or a “mistake”. Yes, pro-lifers – especially Christian ones – will tell you you’re murdering the child and suches but let’s face facts: unless they will provide you all the things you lack so the child has as buoyant a life as possible, it’s better to ignore them. Especially if they support things like war or the military (what do you think is the primary job of a soldier?) because they don’t really support life, they just want to control women out of misogyny thinly veiled by religious belief. They stop caring once the baby is born, especially if the baby is not White. It’s amazing how fast the kiddo goes from “precious miracle” to “possible threat” when they’re Black and born. And let’s not even start on abuse statistics or things of that nature. You don’t have to be a parent immediately, be a parent when you’re ready.

And that’s all for this week, folks!

 

I was contacted by Hachette Books/Ilex about a new book they had coming out titled The Witchcraft Handbook by Midia Star.

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Upon first impression of getting it, it looks well made and not very kitschy. I could sort of see this book in a metaphysical shop, which is good. I could definitely see it being sold in The Discovery Store more, though.

First thing I looked for was a bibliography because usually good books on magick have those (otherwise a person could say almost anything). There isn’t one here but noticed this book is more of a spellbook for beginners than an intro to Paganism with some spells in it. That’s sort of okay but I prefer info. The first proper book I read on magick, Where to Park your Broomstick by Lauren Manoy, was crammed full of this so it is pretty much my baseline for any magick book.

The book is very colorful and artistry is well done. It doesn’t look like it was dropped out of Tumblr and sold. That’s always a good thing. At least this book isn’t trying to copy Sephora’s bad ideas. (That witch kit is atrocious for so many reasons).

As for content, the book is extremely European based and strongly Wicca based.  Granted,  so was Broomstick. I’m not Wiccan, though, so there is that. But as for the Eurocentric info, I think books on magick nowadays should be way more diverse. Otherwise, it looks like magick just started in Europe and the world followed. So note that the book is very Eurocentric in its practices and perspective, which could make PoC readers easily feel like a fish out of water. Actually, any reference to anything non-Euro is super cursory at best. Like, very bland and even less in-depth than what’s mentioned of the Greco-Roman deities, which already isn’t much. That’s not good.

The book is also fairly cis women-centric. I mean, so is practically every Western book on witchcraft out there every but it creates a ripple effect that somehow ends up in my inbox. Questions of “why can’t [insert gender here] practice? What should I call myself, I’m a [insert gender here]? Is ‘witch’ still accurate?” pop up. If you practice witchcraft, you’re a witch, plain and simple. It would be nice if books reflected this a little better. It is good to focus on women but witchcraft didn’t appear as a result of feminism, witchcraft was a moreso natural occurrence of working with and influencing the world around them. Wicca is goddess-centric, true, but it should be noted that Wicca does not hold the copyright to all of witchcraft. Wicca is just one faith out of literal thousands, even when whittled to just faiths that use magick.

I do like that this book doesn’t give a shopping list that could make a newbie go broke quick. I definitely like how this book tries to be sensible with its targeted audience. However, I don’t agree entirely with the idea of “you have to believe it for it to work”. My personal practices – and my inbox, primarily my inbox – hold a different story. I always explain it like this: I personally know Black folks who legit don’t believe that racism exists, annnnnnnd they still get harassed and/or beaten by officers and racists, if not called slurs. The fact they don’t believe in something so extremely real as the ground they stand on didn’t keep the reality of that concept from still impacting them. You don’t have to believe in something to make it happen, if the right cogs are there, it will happen. If the “you gotta believe” bit were the case, I would get far less, “I dicked around and tried to summon a demon because I thought nothing would happen and now my apartment is haunted. Gimme a spell to fix my problem” letters. Much less.

Actually, I still remember the time I accidentally summoned a Throne angel by simply singing a ye olde gospel over and over with gusto. Never gonna do that again. Angels are not fun and you definitely don’t want to summon one, especially on accident. They do not look like “people with wings”, try “Wow, the makers of Bayonetta really did their homework. And all of the extra credit.” 0/10, would not accidentally summon again. I did not intend to summon a Throne. The thought of believing that such a thing would happen was the furthest from my mind – I seriously thought the song was about wheels and the sun, that’s it!

Long story short, you don’t need to believe in something for it to happen. Just the cogs to make it happen. Belief gives it boost, that’s for sure, but it is not the core.

Again, about the gods and goddesses referenced in this book: they are Greek/Roman deities. And a passing reference to Egyptian deities. And a teeny tiny touch on East Asian dragons. And none of Africa (outside of Egypt, which is usually whitewashed to the moon and back). I really don’t like this part  because I rather see more diversity in description. However, since this book is primarily constructed in the Eurocentric gaze, this is pretty much garden-variety practice. Though, the section about them is a very underwhelming for me. There’s a lot more that can be talked about in regards to deities and magick work. Ditto in regards to who the different deities are, some of the descriptions in the book gloss over them with too little depth. And that’s just the Eurocentric ones, the rest of the world hardly gets noted.

And here’s one bit I saw that I think is a bad idea: mixing deities during spellwork. Don’t do that. Stick to one pantheon per ritual. They will not work well with each other and they’ll be much less eager to work with you. It shows a lack of care and faith, which deities are not big fans of.

Moving on, there is an informative page on moon-work and candles to prep the reader on the spells in the book. This means the book will be using a lot of candle magick. That’s good for beginners. Also, because this is candle magick, I would like to remind folks to be careful and always have soil or baking soda around to throw on the flame if it turns into a conflagration. Or do what I did when I was younger and do all your magick work on the lip of a filled-up sink (unless you’re working with oils also, then throw in the baking soda, too).

The spells are broken up into sections, starting with love and sex spells. Each spell section has little “Did You Know” boxes in some of the spells. I like those because it embeds useful information right where the reader can see it and for that particular spell. Things like “how long do spells actually take” or “what are the best days for casting and why”. Helps keep things realistic and practical.

For the love and sex spell section, I like that there is the “don’t be dense about this” warning at the start that is very simple: Don’t play around, don’t control others and know what you want (as well as what you don’t).

The spells constructed seem very simple and straight-forward. Like I said prior, there isn’t a huge shopping list and the vast majority of the materials asked for are already in your home or can be purchased at the dollar store. However, they use British English (“sweets” instead of “candy”, “leather thong” instead of “strip of leather”) so be mindful if you’re not accustomed to it.

The section on love and sex seems very decent, I haven’t spotted anything that I have qualms with so far.

The next section is the friends & enemies section. The intro to section is very simple, especially about how you shouldn’t do magick when until emotional turbulence and that impinging on free will is wrong. The spells are nice, such as how to get better at making friends (note: not “get popular”, simply “make friends”), making gossip cease and getting rid of a bully.

In the “Friends and Enemies” section, they have a page on gemstone magick. It is quite cursory and simple. Too simple for my tastes because there’s so much that can be covered. For a beginner, it is important to keep things simple but not too simple.

The third section are spells for work and employment. It’s a bit of a first for me to see but useful all the same. Employment is a part of life and, thus, should be included. The intro keeps things simple: this is to help you, not do the leg work for you. Also, it will not make you rich in a week.

The spells are for interview success, procuring a job, dealing with unemployment, things like that. There are also spells for exams here, it seems to cover a lot of bases. Again, the spells seem useful. Also, for any spell that involves drawing money, I always look to see how much the spell makes you do, in terms of getting materials to do the spell. I dislike ones that assume you have a payload to work with. I noticed these spells ask for things you already have (like black pepper) or are very cheap and easy to get. One thing I also noticed is that the book neglects to mention that white candles can be all-purpose in case you can’t get your hands on a particular color.

The next section has “Home and Family” spells. This section shows that this book is not directed simply at teenagers but young adults and regular adults as well. There are spells for how to get an apartment, clearing out the energy from the last person, etc. And what I like most: NO SAGE. Sweet buttery Jesus, there’s no sage use in any of these spells, that is fantastic. I am thrilled to see that. Because there is more than sage out there.

For that reason alone, I think this is a great section.

The final section is “Destiny and Fortune Spells”. Though it sounds immense, they’re spells that generally help with luck and to maintain overall happiness. The spells are simple in this section, nothing too grandiose or difficult.

All in all, the book isn’t too bad, it fairly regular and plain jane. I really would like to see a magick book that wasn’t so Eurocentric, though. The Witchcraft Handbook is moreso a simple spellbook for beginners but that’s it. For a handbook, there wasn’t a whole lot of information that could make it a suitable reference guide. There’s little tidbits here and there so you have an idea of what you’re doing but nothing more than that. It’s just a plain book o’ spells and that’s that. No real background, no really vast information, nothing super deep.

As far as bookstore spellbooks go, it’s not too bad. It isn’t 5000 Spells but it can be useful. The spells are simple and easy, not intended to break the bank nor make you feel like you’re doing Ceremonial Magick 301. What stands out to me are how simple the spells are. They are reasonable and that is a venerable trait.

The Witchcraft Handbook is less of an actual handbook and more of a regular spellbook for newbies who are interested in the craft but just want to get to the “fun” parts. I wouldn’t generally recommend introduction books that are not information dense so while this book is good, I don’t think I would have featured it on The Arts! because of the lack of crucial information. The thing is, if you don’t have deep, crucial info, that’s how you get more dabblers and less actual practitioners. Dabblers don’t care about the background info, they want fast-food magick: just do something and it is done. To thwart that, having background and in-depth information helps.

Would I recommend this book to someone new to magick and Paganism? Nope. Not enough in-depth info. I’d point them to Broomstick instead. Would I recommend this book to someone who’s spent time in magick? It’s a strong maybe. The title is misleading so I would warn the person it really isn’t a handbook but a plain spellbook that has basic spells. Good for if you’re low on ideas or want something very simple but that’s about it.

 

Ah not long since I posted my Ask Black Witch, which featured a tidbit about love and magick, I got this doozy:

How to get the maximum results from use of female voodoo doll regarding nothing negative. The use of doll is on my wife. Her attitude and disposition toward me has been very negative!! I appreciate your assistance. Thank you very much

– Lamont M.

Breh. Why do people send messages like this to me? Why? Whhhhhhhhhhhy?

Why did this dude first say “regarding nothing negative” but turn right around and say “The use of the doll is on my wife. Her attitude and disposition toward me has been very negative[.]” That’s regarding something negative. If she has a terrible attitude, don’t do Voodoo – TALK TO HER.

Everyone, relationships are hard. This is for everyone. You have two very imperfect people trying to make companionship work. If you have a problem with the person you are dating (or, in this case, marriage) try talking to them. For real, regardless of whether you are:

– Dude dating a woman
– Dude dating a dude
– Woman dating a woman
– Cis dating trans
– Trans dating trans
– Cis dating cis
– Gendered person dating genderless person
– Genderless person dating genderless person

If you’re having problems, talk to the person! If talking can’t fix it, then consider giving it the chop. Seriously. To control the other is a bad sign. Like, it points to abuse. Always. If you need to control someone to get them off your case, then consider divorcing or breaking up with them. It may suck but it’s not abuse, which is always worse. Be more civil working it out or just leave the relationship if it is that irreparable.

Writing to me with an “I want to control my woman because I don’t like her attitude, will you help” message is never a bright idea. I’m very predictably going to say this is an act of abuse, to not do it and call the person a moron for trying – I very predictably don’t like abusiveness. When have I ever said or done anything otherwise in the near ten years that I have been penning this blog? (Holy Oya, it’s almost been ten years. Oh my gods.) This dude needs to put the voodoo dolls down and instead talk to his wife about why she’s giving him grief. Silencing her on a problem doesn’t make the problem go away.

Everyone, let’s start with a comic from “Heck if I Know”:

This comic pretty much illustrates the end game of practically every whiner, dabbler and dunce that waltzes into my inbox, even while I was on break.

Thing is, people are a lot more corrupt than the character in this comic. I don’t think I’ve had many, if any, that wanted the person in their crosshairs to have any will or choice in the matter. Just “change their mind so I don’t have to change myself”. Which is usually a red flag of “you’re abusive” because trying to control someone is not an expression of love, at all.

Or better yet, folks want to bring down actual gods and goddesses to do their handiwork…as if that has ever worked out well for the human involved. Even in various texts, the humans does work out for a) was usually a demigod (half human, half deity) themselves or b) it moreso works* – with a huge asterisk because it wasn’t all roses and candy. It’s Oshun, not Alexa. It’s Loki, not Tom Hiddleston (I have to explain that one a lot – or I get a bunch of “I think I’m haunted”/”I might be possessed”/ “Life is crappier than usual and in really weird ways” emails). Many deities like helping the universe they helped create because they are duty-bound or some particular living (or not living) creature really warms them. No deities appreciate being treated as the lowly grunt that has to scoop up whatever excrement you’ve made of life itself. And are extremely happy to express that by making a point of being a celestial-grade douchebag to whomever doesn’t get it. Which, as deities, they’re really, really good at.

The comic is comedic because some poor sprite has to help this hapless guy work out a very normal and very much singular (in the fact it only affects the guy alone, not the guy and the spirit) problem. It is understandable that love is complex but it’s not better solved with divine intervention because, just like the person in the comic, it fixes nothing. The person learned nothing. Or at least, what they learned was that they actually don’t have to do anything, just run to someone else and let them do the hard work. Which eventually becomes an eventual loop of nonsense, especially for the person on the receiving end of all of this.

What would have better suited the person in the comic, Joe, is to have learned from the previous big issue that got him the boot the first time, not bother with the sprites (or, if they were trying to clue him into what to do, actually listen) and just try to fix things so they won’t be broken the next time. Is it easy? Not at all. Relationships are never easy. Dealing with people in general is incredibly taxing, being in a committed, emotional partnership with just one is also hard. But doable, with some effort, some thinking and some effective communication. But going to lengths of wanting someone else to clean up the mess you made (or just make it all disappear because “free will” is a chore) is not smart. Which is why I’m usually pretty flippant when folks ask. Especially if it is the hundredth time asking and won’t take “no” for an answer and “Here are some reasons why your plan is bad…” as a follow up. I think I have rarely came across anyone who was asking for a person to be controlled or manipulated somehow who was really respectful, level headed or, well, respectful. Always beggars and, moreover, always beggars with attitudes that makes the reason why they’re now abruptly single very crystal clear the longer they talk.

Long story short, don’t be like Joe. Be sensible. Sometimes relationships don’t work out. Magick just sometimes delays the inevitable, especially if the person is stubborn. And by “delay”, I mean, “makes all things point straight to the inevitable”. No need to beg some random person on the internet or dabble in something that is probably not smart to dabble in.

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Sorry for the late post but here is the Ask Black Witch for August! Good questions are appreciated, bad questions are eviscerated. Lets get started.

I got a couple question from people who don’t seem to really like reading or researching my pretty general stance on spell help, doing spells for others and love spells, especially unethical ones. Here’s a quick rundown:

Spell help: Unless you know what you’re doing, I’m not gonna help. I have a “No assisting dabblers” rule. And the two generally stand out: the practiced person generally knows what they’re doing, they just need someone to bounce ideas off of. The dabbler wants to be spoon-fed and babied and waste another person’s time. Or just have someone else do it for them. Preferably that.

Doing spells for others: I don’t do pay-for-pray (paid spellwork). Never have, never will. If I don’t do paid spellwork for others, I certainly don’t do free spellwork for others either. If a screw-up occurs, it’s because you did it. I tend to make people do their own legwork. It keeps my workload light and way, way less people bother me about fixing their – not mine – problems. Which I like. I may suggest simple stuff like “Maybe you should get bay leaves” but if you don’t know how to use them, that’s your issue, unfortunately. This is why I prefer to field questions from practiced practitioners and am harsh to dabblers. I prefer people to research for themselves, especially since occult and metaphysics is 93% reading, reading and more reading – actual info, not new-agey nonsense. Now if only I got questions from practiced practitioners and not dabblers.

Love Spells: I don’t do them, not even the general “hey, universe, I would like a date” because they’re not really my thing. Those spells are fine and dandy, still in the world of “good ethics”. They don’t control a particular person, they’re super open-ended. The universe might give you a guy, they might give you a bike (because the universe likes to troll people). But it’s open ended. However, I still don’t do them.

Unethical love spells: I don’t support abusive acts or tactics so, yeah, I’m going to make fun of you for trying to control someone else and you wind up dejected. Because I’m talking to an abusive person, which is in the top 5 of my list of “people who justify my belief and support of the Death Penalty”. Love hurts and love sucks. For everyone. If you have to control someone, you don’t love them. At all. It’s not about love, it’s about controlling someone who you believe is weaker than you or is easy to control for whatever reason. Regardless how you do it: magickally, financially, physically, emotionally – it’s wrong and you deserve whatever happens to you, simple as that.

Hello my name is Yesenia, I had someone I know cast a love spell for me but nothing work actually things just got worse for me. This person send me a picture of the candles she turn on for me and I would like to know the real meaning to the color candles she used.

– Yesenia M.

My original response:

Was it to influence someone else or general “find a date”? I mean love spells come with chance of risk. That’s why they’re suggested against so much.

Their response:

I found out that my boyfriend or should I say ex boyfriend is in prison and I found out he was writing and talking to some other female. 

Oh joy, internalized misogyny. So on top of being a control freak in relationships, they have serious internalized misogyny. If not a scientist talking strictly about biological lifeforms, avoid using “female”. It’s “woman”.

This is also why I don’t do paid spellwork. Note the “I had someone…cast a love spell for me but nothing work[ed].” Like, I’m basically being used as IT Support for another person’s handiwork. Which is not why this blog exists. And why I don’t work with dabblers. They put themselves in a bind and they want someone else to get them out of it. No way.

Here are some additional information that looks into the motivation:

I just want her to fix my relationship with him and keep away the other female he was talking to.

We have two kids together that’s not what I wanted but whatever I guess he found love even if it’s not with me

These are the motivations. The top one is not very good, the bottom one means she really, really needed to focus less on the dude she was losing and more on the kids she has.

Here’s the kit and kaboodle about the top one: if the person found out her dude is talking to another woman, instead of running to a spellworker to make it stop, she should have told the dude that a) he’s been found out and b) what are the options she will give him: be faithful or be gone. If this dude has a tendency to romp about, then he’s not worth keeping nor doing any spellwork for. This seems less of a relationship of love and mutual understanding and more of two folks who sort of earned each other. You have the philanderous guy stuck in the clink and the girlfriend who doesn’t seem to understand that forcing a relationship to work doesn’t make relationships work.

The second bit: This is why I’m so pro-choice and pro-“note all red flags, even the pink ones”. Kids are involved. They need two parents, not one. Two kids are a handful. And most importantly, they need a mom who has their head screwed on straight. Here it sounds like a lady who is desperately trying to keep a family together but in all the wrong ways. If a relationship has to go south, it’s better things like that happen before kids get thrown in the mix because then it’s not a tale of two possible fools, it’s kids that are going to get mixed up and possibly messed up. Yes, life is messy but it seems this dude might have been trouble from start (I have a feeling he’s not in jail for snatching a confederate flag or socking a neo-nazi).

The new game plan for this chick is to work on being a mom instead. Once she works out that “likes to control others” thing, maybe she’ll find someone new and can be a suitable boyfriend-to-husband and father to her kids. Until that happens, she needs to focus on the kids and stop trying to control everything.

Hi, I would like to ask something about a black candle. Because I’ve searched about it and it signifies negativities in life, is it right?

I wanna if, it is okay to use black candle for love spell? Cause I asked an old woman (who does witchcraft) to put a love spell to the one I love (my ex bf), after she does it by tuesday, he came back to me. We came back to being sweet and having a strong relationship. But the old woman uses black candle, is it okay?

And one last thing. I’m just afraid because, it’s not true love.. Or is it? 

Thanks in advance.
– Rose B.

Again, being the IT Support for someone else’s handiwork because a dabbler didn’t want to fix their problem themselves.

Anybody who has been in spellwork for at least three months would get down the very basics of candle magick and color magick. Black is a simple one, depending on how it is used. It can make things go away. It can make things happen, it depends on how it is used…and that can vary with practitioner.

About true love: not only is it oneism (a word yinked from Dr. Nerdlove), where you think that there is only one, singular person for you – it is definitely not here. True love stays on its own, you don’t need spellwork to tack your true love down and make them stay.

If the ex-boyfriend (I kind of am seeing why he left) is gone, he’s probably not true love. Yes, he could come back but it would be more of an expression of true love if he came back on his own. To force him back via spellwork is no different than if you went to his house with a gun and said “We’re gonna be together – forever. I promise you.” It’s not true love, it’s scary. And would you want someone to do either of those things to you?

I remember responding to this and saying the relationship is going to eventually crash and burn, like it did for the first asker. I still stand by that. It may be great and amazing now but that trip is going to end pretty soon, especially when the usual bumps and scrapes of relationships (having disagreements, tiffs) happen. Restrict free will and you’re going to get problems. They always happen. Especially if the guy finds out that you don’t really love him, you’re just putting a fix on him simply because you don’t like being lonely. Because that’s seems to be the actual motivation, – not because he’s a genuine, amazing person. It beats spending Friday nights by yourself, which is lame.

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My e[x] husband has a girl friend.. But i still love him… Will me and him get back together… If so when…

– Ronnie A.

My initial response:

“Why don’t you do these very simple things:

– *Read* my site and why I don’t like questions like these (because it’s asking for free divination and is a pretty stupid question)

– Get over your ex. He obviously did.“

Times like these make me wish I really did get better questions than this baseline drivel.

I’m a womanist, so I support gender equality, including in relationships. This means I’m not a fan of abusive behavior, like controlling someone. It’s not right or fair. Yes, relationships go sour but guess what? Everyone goes through that. It doesn’t make the experience easy but it doesn’t justify being harmful either.

Here’s the thing: this dude is an ex-husband. As in “gone”, “vamoosed”, “signed the divorce papers”, “disappeared”. He is free to do what he likes since the relationship is over. Including date other people. It’s one thing if he was dating before divorce, which would make him a “cheating piece of sh*t” but he’s divorced. If he’s got a girlfriend, it means, unless there is something wowing that the letter writer does, it’s pretty clear they’re never, ever getting back together. And even if the letter writer does something wowing, it still doesn’t mean they’re ever, ever going to get back together. Love is a two way street. Yes, it sucks. There is a reason why lovesick songs are constantly on the radio. And why Taylor Swift has any albums.

The reason why the question is stupid is because I have a pretty clear history of reaming anyone who shows abusive behavior like this. Missing love lost is fine, wanting to force it to come back is not. Kleenex makes money off of one, Smith & Wesson makes money off the other. If anything, it’s better to just sob a lot, listen to K-oS’ “Rain” and Whitney Houston’s “Heartbreak Hotel” on steady repeat and veg out for a couple weeks. That would be a lot more healthy and productive than bothering a random person on the internet.

Instead of worrying about the ex moving on with his life, move on with yours. Don’t get caught up on oneism (thinking that you have only one true love in the world and you must get that particular person, coined by Dr. Nerdlove). Talk out your feelings with someone you trust or a therapist. Once ready, refresh your dating skills and find husband #2.

If u are a really witch I need your help…. I have been experiencing something’s that I don’t know why they just showed up out of no were
Seeing and hearing things, my ears have been hurting any time something medium loud happens, waking up at 3:00 and 1:00 exactly every morning,something inside me says my fate is to be bad, feel like someone’s following me 24/7 and they sleep with me but there’s always no one there and I am not going crazy.. please help me, thank you. Ps this is just the sum of things..

– Jazmyn

Here is a glowing example of what not to send. Let’s point out the ways:

  • I can usually tell I’m about to hear nonsense when messages start with “If you’re really a witch”. Why, exactly, would I be LARPing as someone who practices witchcraft for nearly ten years? Anyone who does that is more depressing and pathetic than even the best psychologist could measure.
  • Through the whole thing, while it is a lot of description, it really tells me absolutely nothing. She could be describing strong stress (for example, ears having sound sensitivity could be an onset of tinnitus, a stress-related illness). Waking up at 3 or 1 in the morning is noteworthy but it isn’t enough for me to pinpoint what. A sense of dread and the sensation of someone else in your bed could point to something, or be another expression of the paranoia. Even if it was an entity, this is still very, very vague to determine what. I can’t just say “Sleep with a ring of rock salt around your bed” because that wouldn’t really do anything because, again, I wouldn’t know what the problem is.

The thing is also, I asked to expand more via email but didn’t see anything. I seriously am not going to be playing spirit detective, especially if I don’t have base info. I have to know background, usual interaction with the occult (usually slim experiences), so on and so forth. Can’t help anyone if I don’t know much. Besides, in my experience, about a good 96% of people coming to me with these questions are not besieged by spirits but have much more mundane problems…which are fixed with mundane solutions.

If you’re going to email me with your dilemmas, please be less like this.

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Last Ask Black Witch had a question from a person who said he was a witch of 17 years…and wanted a spell to bring back his cheating girlfriend. Part of my response was:

Regardless of whether you practice witchcraft or not, heartbreak is still possible. If someone’s going, “If you’re a witch, why can’t you make the person love you and never leave you?” Because that’s abuse and would you like someone to do that to you? Free will is still a thing. Practicing witchcraft doesn’t make you impervious to life’s problems.

Apparently, that wasn’t all! I got more from the dude after the post went up:

Breh.

Really?

Two things:

A) I seriously think this person has not spent even 17 months in Paganism, Witchcraft, nothing. Ethics gets covered in the first year, so there’s no excuses.

B) Even if the dude decided to forgo ethics over a broken heart this time, he still wouldn’t be begging someone else to handle his problem. He’d already know what to do.

Let’s talk love and ethics in magick because, holy crap, it’s a reoccurring topic. It’s amazing how folks think that because they’re not using guns and threats, it officially not abuse anymore so let’s start there.

What is Abuse?

There are various types of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, verbal, etc) but abuse is basically the act of impinging on someone else’s free will for destructive means. Mundane examples of abuse:

– Restricting contact with others

– Treating person as if property, not as an individual

Gaslighting

This guy here is hurt that his ex-girlfriend (let’s face it, she’s gone), cheated and left…and given his “she’s mine” approach, it makes me wonder if it was actually a cheating. She could have simply have broken up with him and found someone new. It’s not uncommon for abusive significant others to see a clear-cut break up and moving on as “cheating” because, in their head, the person never left or broke up, they’re just playing about – but now they’re being “unfaithful” since there’s a new person involved.

There’s also the thing that this type of behavior doesn’t magically pop up during immense stress, such as a big break up. Oh, certainly, emotions can drive someone to act in ways that are odd to their regular personality but there are such things as red flags. There’s a difference between sobbing “don’t leave me!” on the floor (and via text…and on social media), and declaring “leave me and I’ll kill you and the dog!” The latter behavior shows a more abusive streak that was most likely present throughout the entire relationship (and probably the reason why the person left). This dude is showing the latter.

What points this out is, first, the dude is initially asking about how to get his “cheating” girlfriend back, as if I have a history of just giving out spells and for any request – which I don’t. Then there’s the fact I already suggested moving on and therapy to get over the break up, the dude still asks about spellwork. Being dismissive of the initial answer is not a good look if you don’t want to look like a controlling ex-boyfriend. Listening is a crucial skill in relationships – and when interacting with other humans.

Finally, there’s the phrase of “I’ve been trying to do this without hurting the other guy”.

Usually, I would say, “it’s possible to blame the significant other for straying because they knew they were in a relationship, a fact they could have consciously withheld from the person they were cheating with”, but here? Why put care into not hurting the other guy, which means the ex-girlfriend is 100% fair game? I mean, it takes two to cheat, the significant other and the person they’re cheating with. It sounds like the dude just wants the girlfriend back to simply punish her. Not work things out, just mete out punishment. Which is shifty.

There’s feeling hurt and angry, those are legit feelings, but this is not the route to go down. At all. This is no different if the dude walked into a gun shop and was trying out glocks, saying to the shop owner, “I don’t want to hurt the other guy, I just want my cheating girlfriend back.”

If she’s a cheating piece of sh*t, then just ditch her. Be angry but let her go. Take time to heal and work on yourself.

In general, this is part of why I don’t do pay for pray (paid spellwork), bother with love spells or anything of that nature. Add in human ego and things can go south ridiculously fast.

Ethics is a very boring topic in magick, certainly. It can take the fun out of the whole “Ooooh, I’m a witch!” thing. But it’s important, because it’s better to set the lines clearly before you mistakenly cross them. Ethics is important especially in topics such as love and war because, that’s where they’re most needed.

People make rash decisions. There are pages and pages of history that proves this. People, regardless of gender, are emotive. Incredibly emotive. “Long wars have been fought over small differences” emotive. This can be really, really bad for so many reasons if left unchecked, thus why ethics exist. Ethics are the defined rules a person should follow, regardless what their emotions dictate. No matter how it feels at the time, emotions are not always right. Emotions may feel right, during that moment, but ethics help give a fairly defined “what is right/what is wrong, what is good/what is bad” line to decide with.

This is why I mentioned “what about ethics?” because that should be a go-to. It’s why ethics exist. If you wind up dismissing the ethics, that can be a super downhill slide.

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Sorry for the late ABW, health stuff popped up because I kept burning the candle at both ends. Let’s get into it!

My  name is Casandra R. and I’m a New witch and I am wondering where to start?

– Casandra R.

My immediate suggestion was my go to suggestion – start off with Where to Park your Broomstick by Lauren Manoy. ‘Tis a classic!

I’m familiar with the author first book. I read was the Salem witch trials and Marie Laveau and. Shakespeare Macbeth, the Crucible and Wizard of Oz.

It’s great she’s working on her history. Salem Witch trials was a favorite history chapter for me. It’s also nice she is reviewing classic works such as Macbeth (which is less about Witchcraft and more about “what would you stop at to succeed?” The Tempest has more witch stuff in it but strictly for entertainment, like watching Charmed.), the Crucible (based on the actual Witch trials, one of Arthur Miller better works) and the Wizard of Oz (has nothing to do with actual Witchcraft, is just a nice fantasy story, I prefer The Wiz more).

However, this is better suited for understanding the cultural ideas, perspectives and beliefs related to the concept of magic, sorcery and witchcraft in general Western mainstream society (and mainly from a very White gaze, given only Laveau is the only person/historical event that isn’t White). There are a lot of pretty okay academic research books on this subject so it isn’t a bad research topic.

I had also mentioned to just avoid Raven Silverwolf by any means necessary.

Name rings a bell. Is she or he bad ?

Ah, the younger generation do not know the phenomenon that is Raven Silverwolf. She is the person that took Witchcraft, Paganism and Wicca, turned it into watered down, sellable product and proceeded to do exactly that. She shelled out everything to do with magic, despite being new agey as all get out. And I bought two of her books when I was a teenager. She knew how to pitch her stuff, that’s fact.

It isn’t that I doubt she was an actual Witch, she just was the Billy Graham of American mainstream magick and witchcraft in writer form. She was certainly the darling of her printing press, Llewellyn. Honestly, it’s better to read Ellen Dugan instead. She’s much more down to earth and less shilling, more informing.

(For some odd reason, her site pitches a series of books called “The G[*]psy Chronicles”, this is where you sigh and facepalm as you scroll past the banner)

Hello, I need help I been a witch for 17 years. My girlfriend cheated on me. I don’t who he is and I want to break them up and get her back, what do I do?

– Phillip K.

Regardless of whether you practice witchcraft or not, heartbreak is still possible. If someone’s going, “If you’re a witch, why can’t you make the person love you and never leave you?” Because that’s abuse and would you like someone to do that to you? Free will is still a thing. Practicing witchcraft doesn’t make you impervious to life’s problems.

Frankly, my suggestion is to pick up and move on. Read a couple columns from Dr. Nerdlove, who has written aplenty about cheating and bouncing back from that. There’s no point in even trying to magick her back because it’s not like you’re going to have a happy, healthy, joyful relationship. It’s going to be a lot of unresolved zombie issues lurking all over the relationship and one thing I always notice about these “I want her/him back letters” – no one really talks about the love lost like it was a dear friend they miss but more in the vein of “That guy took my stuff, I wanna get it back”. That’s a bit concerning. There is feeling hurt, yes, but getting someone back blindly won’t fix anything.

If anything, this dude could better benefit from a therapist to get past the bad feelings and if he really is a witch of 17 years, then he should get some rose quartz and work of building his own self-esteem and self-care.

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It’s Ask Black Witch! Let’s get into it!

Hey. I’m black and new to Wicca and I am a bit scared. I read some stuff about it being good and just recognizing that everything we need is already provided for us. I’ve also read some not so good stuff that said it’s the devil trying to lure you away from Jesus and how they went back to Christ after bad experiences. I set up an altar but I don’t know what to do with it. Who am I praying to? You know? I was wondering if you can help me? …I guess I’m scared of like opening doors for things that aren’t good. Like I said… who am I praying to exactly in Wicca? I’m def not praying to a horned God… I get a bad feeling about that.

– Alie B.

Oi, you practically sound like me when I was a teenager getting started into Paganism. (It’s not Wicca but Wicca falls under Paganism the same way Catholicism and Baptist fall under Christianity). Growing up Christian, you get that thinking of if you step one toe outside of the Bible, God and Christ will both hate you and come down from the Heavens to strike you down.

“How dare you be nice to gay and trans people! Jesus didn’t die for you not to have guns and never vote Republican!”

Yay dealing with religious social doctrine and the fear it can induce. I remember when I would go through the “Am I saved? Does God hate me? Maybe I should be saved” go-about. I still remember reading a small Christian tract via the light under my door when I was a young teenager, fearful that I wasn’t somehow saved…despite doing it several times prior. I remember being scared to even touch books about witchcraft and divination because it was supposed to be demonic and so on and so forth.

I’ve heard the “Wicca/[other religion] is just the devil tempting you away from Jesus” shtick soooooo many times. So many times. That it will cause life issues, that your life will fall apart, you’ll never have material wealth, your credit will be bad, your pet hamster will set the house on fire with pipe bombs and attempt to assassinate the mayor, everything terrible will happen.

I know from experience how scary it sounds because you don’t want to make the wrong life choices and piss off a jealous god. Thing is, there’s really no right or wrong answer and there’s definitely no right or only religion. I mean, think about it like this: there are tons of religions that existed waaaaaaaay before Christianity and a good chunk of them said the same thing: “Hey, we’re the one true way, anyone else is wrong!” It’s a great way to keep believers but it’s a pretty crappy way to keep everyone else in the religion.

Even if you stayed Christian, you’re going to have crappy life experiences. Everyone, regardless if they practice any faith or not, is going to have life experiences that are horrid. Your life is not going to take a turn for the worse by itself because you switched faiths.

Granted, while the world does not care what religion you practice, the people around you might. I learned that when I became Pagan, the life issues I had were mainly people-related because, well, they didn’t like the fact I still converted away from Christianity despite their fear-mongering…so they decided to try to make my life very hard. Just so they could artificially prove their point that if I left Christianity, my life would get harder. The game plan was that I would go “geez, you’re right” and go back to Christianity. Instead I went, “wow, you’re doing all the terrible things. That’s not an act of God, it’s an act of discrimination. Glad I’m not part of that religion anymore.”

Now, you don’t have to pray to anyone in particular. That includes the Horned God as well. (I had the same squicked out response you did when I started. I still don’t pray to the Horned God and I’ve been Pagan for practically half my life.) You don’t have to pray to any particular god or goddess, frankly. You can just be general about your prayers to nature or the universe itself, especially if you’re new. You can pray to a general God and Goddess/Lord and Lady, not to a specific deity. Or to a goddess in general, instead of a god. These methods are probably a good place to start until you learn more about various deities as time goes on, anyways. That way, you don’t scrunch yourself into a corner.

The altar you have can be decorated with whatever you want. There is no must for set up. Do you like the sea a lot and really relate to the water element? Seashells, sands and more seashells! Have a little enhydro agate (a rock that naturally has water inside) in the middle of the altar. There you go. Prefer air? Feathers and wind chimes are the direction you should go in. Don’t care for any of that stuff? Stay super general and put some nifty rocks and candles in that space. There’s no rule that says you have to have an alter, either. I actually don’t. I never did because I was hiding my faith when living with my parents but now, it stuck. One less surface to clean and tidy up.

In Wicca, there a lot you can do. Partially because it is a religion that was created in 1957 so it doesn’t have a lot of mileage like other faiths do. Doesn’t make it less valid, it just means you shouldn’t put yourself under a bunch of pressure.

As long as you’re not trying to summon spirits or leap straight into astral projection, you’re fine. You don’t want to get ahead of yourself. Just read a lot of books (stay away from Raven Silverwolf, good gods, she sucks) and take it easy.

(For everyone reading, if rape is a trigger for you, this is the end of the column. See you next week!)

Hi…. The  great witch i am aashu i am 26 i  always wants a succubus for me many of times i tried retuals and everything but  didn’t get one many of times i written letter to the great Lilith but didnt get responce i was trying  in last one year can you help me to summon succubus as my partner and my lover i love succubus can you help me 

-Aashu T

Firstly, my initial response to this email:

This is an incredibly stupid question for many reasons. Why do you think I do spellwork for others? Succubi are not fun romps nor do they love, they rape, which is not fun (ask any rape victim. Any. Guy, gal, doesn’t matter). Lilith isn’t a succubus, idiot, she’s supposed to be the first wife of Adam that is cast away because “she’s too independent” (which is stupid on it’s own). 
Maybe you should just buy a fleshlight and stay out of magick. I’d suggest dating but you probably shouldn’t interact with other humans since thinking of some sort  is a quality most look for. At least I’ll have a question to mince on ABW. This is definitely a stupid question.
Okay, let me break down why this is a really, really, really stupid question. 
Firstly, let’s break down rape itself because the Succubus part is going to be super simple after that. Then the gender part because, holy crap, that’s super evident.
Rape, in short, is non-consensual sexual acts. It does not matter if the non-consent takes form of fighting back, arguing, being frozen as a statue, looking terrified, attempting to leave, being asleep or unconscious, resisting (even super slightly), being drunk or simply any other act that does not scream “consent/yes”. If it isn’t consent, it’s rape. Plain and simple. It doesn’t matter if the person didn’t scream “no” and starting beating the rapist head in with a brick because that rapist happened to be someone the person knew (which is roughly around 75-80% of rapes in total). Here’s how the FBI defines rape:
Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim. Attempts or assaults to commit rape are also included.
I want to focus on the “without the consent of the victim” part, because that’s what instantly turns any sex act on earth into rape. Instantly. Consent is a big deal because of how many people bypass it due to bullsh*t social constructs that usually hinges on toxic masculinity worldwide. (Think of the alpha/beta and red pill/blue pill arguments that are frequent on Reddit and 4chan. And why the 14th/15th century term “cuckholding” is getting a resurgence centuries later.) While there are widely circulated ideas that a “real man” takes sex (rapes) instead of waiting for it to be offered (waiting for consent), it makes for a lot of terrible experiences for the person it happens to. Traumatic experiences. Much, much more traumatic than the childish worry of “I can’t get laid”. So traumatic that you have to warn people of the topic ahead of time so they can prepare themselves in case they get flashbacks from their own person experience with it.
Oh, and it’s illegal. FBI changed the definition back in 2013 because they wanted better accuracy because better accuracy means longer prison sentencing, which I strongly support.
Now, remember the “no consent = rape” bit, it’s going to be important now that we’re about to talk about the succubus part.
A succubus, as defined by Mythology Dictionary:
A demon in the form of a female which attacks sleeping men and has intercourse with them. [BW note: A male version is called an “incubus”]
Now, if a guy thinks that this sounds fantastic, a woman – well a demon – always down to have sex kinda forgets that the words “attack” and “sleeping” are used. It’s rape. If guys thought that rape was awesome, they wouldn’t use rape jokes and rape threats so much or get intensely emo when accused of it. It’s also part of why summoning a succubus is difficult because…if it’s consent, it’s not rape. They rape, which implies non-consent. If there’s consent, it’s a sex act. If there’s no consent, it’s rape. It’s like saying, “I want people to rob me so I just started giving my stuff away to random people on the street.” That’s not getting robbed (the act of having your things taken away from you without consent), that’s donation (willfully giving your stuff away).
In a nutshell, if you’re willing, they’re not showing up. And if they did, it would not be while you’re willing. And it would definitely not be the stuff of dreams but the fuel of nightmares. Example: if you’re a dude not into pegging or stressed limbs, the succubus would make the whole experience 100% pegging and stressed limbs. Because it would be rape due to the absence of consent and crossing of established boundary. Because succubus only rape.
Alright, now onto Lilith, who is not a succubus. Granted, I may have screwed up my Liliths. I was thinking of the first wife of Adam. There’s a different one, as defined by Mythology Dictionary:
A Babylonian goddess. She is envisaged as a winged demon woman attacking sleeping men. Also called Lilith.
Actually, reading what the God Checker link and Mythology Dictionary has, this goddess has most likely seen some historical retrofitting. Either way, this is probably more of what the guy thought he was summoning. Still not a succubus. That would be a regular demon. This is a goddess which is almost more facepalming. If demons are hard to control, deities are absolutely worse. And all to get laid? Oh geez, here’s Oh Joy, Sex Toy’s review on various fleshlights. They’re all in easy-to-read comic form and have discount codes.
This guy wanted Lilith, a goddess that has also been depicted being a vampire and eating babies and raping men, for a partner. As if she would be entertained in a worthless human guy when she already had options of otherworldly demons. It’s a little funny because if this dude thought he could control Lilith, which other deities were having issues doing, it really shows this guy has room temperature IQ, Celsius.
Alright, we got the Lilith bit out of the way. Let’s focus on the gender stuff.
I don’t think I have heard of women wanting an incubus. Wait, no. I remember literally one time a woman said that to me and what stood out to me was how other women stared at her. No high-fives. No jovial agreement, just plain “what the fu-” stares. Y’see, rape is already a horrible and very real threat held over women heads constantly all around the world so it doesn’t sound like a fun sex romp but like the terrible action it is.
Note, this is different from force-laden BDSM acts, which are discussed prior in a non-sexually charged and sober setting to iron out the details. This is a form of consent because all participants are comfortably planning in advance what is ok, what is not ok, where the boundaries are, how to do aftercare, safewords, etc. This is consent in action.
Frankly, this question is the kind of question I definitely want to see less of. There’s being lonely but read Dr. Nerdlove to sort that out.
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