I feel like revisiting an old topic I think is important: Safe sex.
In Paganism, we’re pretty flexible about our standards – we don’t have any “don’t be [orientation]” rules or really any “must be virginal before wedding day (esp. for the girl because misogyny)” type things. Granted, there are countless denominations and forms of Paganism so your mileage may vary but in terms of averages, we’re not as doom and gloom about it. You’re not a terrible person if you’ve had sex, you’re not a terrible person (or a malformed person) if you haven’t had sex or don’t want to. You’re just a regular person.
That said, modern Paganism is very heavy on consent. Unfortunately, a lot of deities have dozens and dozens of stories about them not doing that – that, however, doesn’t give anyone justification or reason to go around like Zeus did. Not at all. Because for every deity that did engage in non-consent, there was always another deity or entity to be vicious about correcting such behavior, even more so to mortals who engaged in the same behavior. Also, please keep in mind that a lot of mythos stories that were kept and passed around more often were created by guys. Just like how there is gender bias in the Bible (using for example), there’s gender bias in various deity stories around the world, especially if they don’t or didn’t have a balanced society. It’s unbalanced perspective that makes entities like Medusa look like an evil villain instead of a rape victim trying to protect herself and deal with the trauma.
For those who go, “what is consent?”, it is pretty simple in the scope of this post: You’re looking for a jubilant “yes”, not trying to bend a hesitant “no”.
Here’s the thing, if the person:
- Says some version of “no” outright
- Only says “yes” after much prodding and begging from you
- Is simply hesitant, reluctant to say “yes” (even if they haven’t said “no”)
- Not capable of even saying yes or no (i.e. fast asleep or unconscious)
Then it’s a plain “no”. Yes, getting a “no” sucks aplenty but if you wanted your “no” to be respected, ditto with them. Besides, I’m a big fan of folks standing their ground on this subject because a “no” is not a “convince/persuade me”. If you still go ahead without their consent, it’s automatically considered rape/sexual assault.
If someone wants to sleep with you consentually, they’re not going to be indirect about it. Very not.
While on the subject of consent and suches: if you’re an adult and the person who you want to consent/is consenting is not an adult – they’re too young, bro. Don’t pull an R. Kelly, find someone else. If you have difficulty abstaining, talk to a therapist. Or a cop (preferably, the FBI).
If you’re a young person (as in 19 and under), just know that you don’t have to be sexually active by the time you hit college, you don’t have to be gaga over sex (I certainly wasn’t at that age) and if you want to wait for when you are emotionally ready, do so. Also, don’t look at pornography for sex ed or what sex is supposed to be like. Just don’t. It isn’t accurate, at all. Try the webcomic Oh Joy Sex Toy, they have a great section on sex ed that is accurate.
If you’re not a young person, just know that, again, you don’t have to be sexually active if that’s not your thing. Also, for the love of the gods, porn is not accurate. Read Oh Joy Sex Toy.
And here’s another thing about consent: you can opt out of sex in the middle of sex. If there is an act you don’t want to do (i.e.: not your kink, just not up for it, gotta go to work soon, etc), you can say you don’t want to do it. If the partner complains that it will cause them strife for you to stop (guys may complain about “blue balls”, which is pretty over-exaggerated), tell them to walk it off. It’s uncomfortable, not fatal or disabling. You won’t return to find a dead body. If so, just chalk it up to Darwinism and say so at their funeral.
Sex should be an equal agreement, not a fight. If you have to struggle to get it, it’s better to back off and work on yourself. No one owes you sex, whatsoever. That’s not how it works. You could save their life, their grades, their pet, whatever, and they still don’t owe you that.
All that out of the way, let’s talk about safe sex and contraception.
I will always suggest Bedsider for all go-to info about contraception, they’re the most comprehensive and thorough site I have ever found on the subject. They can even filter each method under different needs (such as “party ready”, “hormone free”, “sti prevention” and “easy to hide”.) They also have useful articles about relationships, consent and sex. If you’re interested in any method that you find (they have things for all genders), the site can help find a health provider or inform you if it is over the counter/available in a regular store.
Some contraception methods, like condoms, are available in a store and online. Do not try to fashion your own, just get some. You can visit a local hospital, college health center, planned parenthood or local health clinic to get free condoms, no questions asked (some of these locations will also provide free STD/STI testing). I recommend CondomDepot because they are really, really discreet (Amazon is not and if you’re on a family account, you may be screwed – and not in a good way) and everything is user tested on the website so you’re getting actual feedback and reviews. They also have a “Learn” section that includes a buying guide, a how-to sub section and informative articles. They sell all things condoms and other, related items.
If you used contraception and if failed, your best bet is to get an after-morning pill or consider abortion if longer than a week. Though the “after morning pill” is called such, it can be up to five days later. Bedsider has a great article on it, as well as how to get it. Some, such as Plan B, are available in regular stores, no prescription needed.
As for abortions, those vary state to state in America. Bedsider has a plain, informative write up about abortion, the various methods of it, myths about it and where to get it. It’s okay to not be ready for parenthood – that’s why you were using contraception in the first place, right? It’s much better to have the kid when you’re actually ready. Otherwise, you could bring down the child’s quality of health and happiness vastly because of fiscal, emotional or life instability. A parent has to be dependable and that takes forethought. That and no one really relishes in being told they were an “accident” or a “mistake”. Yes, pro-lifers – especially Christian ones – will tell you you’re murdering the child and suches but let’s face facts: unless they will provide you all the things you lack so the child has as buoyant a life as possible, it’s better to ignore them. Especially if they support things like war or the military (what do you think is the primary job of a soldier?) because they don’t really support life, they just want to control women out of misogyny thinly veiled by religious belief. They stop caring once the baby is born, especially if the baby is not White. It’s amazing how fast the kiddo goes from “precious miracle” to “possible threat” when they’re Black and born. And let’s not even start on abuse statistics or things of that nature. You don’t have to be a parent immediately, be a parent when you’re ready.
And that’s all for this week, folks!
Black Witch 