Category: How Much Do You Love Me?

Alright, the very final post of the Black Witch series, The Arts! This will have plenty of resources for sex and sexuality starting with books. And check out the end! Black Witch events!

wanderingwombThe Wandering Womb: A Cultural History of Outrageous Beliefs about Woman
(Lana Thompson)
Western history has had a long stand about the body of woman and how society should perceive it, which has transformed over time. This book talks about those beliefs from the beginning and, as the title states, how outrageous and perverse they are. From the theory of the uterus and hysteria to medical theory about women and how their bodies work. Lighthearted, filled with imagery and informative, this book is quite something.

Virgin Virgin: The Untouched History
(Hanne Blank)
This book is incredibly awesome. It talks about the history of virginity. Did you know that our concept on virginity is a fairly recent thing? Also, it talks about the hymen, which was not always the determinate of virginity. In addition, there are wild misconceptions about hymens (there is no such thing as “destroying” or breaking/popping a hymen) and this book talks about it in detail the social obsession with virginity, hymens, culture and how the world interacts with the existence of women and their bodies. It’s a really cool book and fantastically written, I highly recommend reading it.

body drama Body Drama: Real Girls, Real Bodies, Real Issues, Real Answers
(Nancy Amanda Redd)
This book. This book right here? Prepares you for life. Like, life, man. Life. This is the best book I had ever under-appreciated in my liiiiiiiiiiiiiife. Oh my gods. This book is a must read for all girls, especially if you are a minority because this book has it all and most importantly…it’s not a book that’s targeted at White girls with some tokens scattered throughout the pages like the vast majority of them are. It actually reflects girls and all their problems and backgrounds. It talks about more than just puberty but the body and how it works and develop from ashy skin to hair to embarrassing questions such as weird smells and skid marks. It’s a great book to learn that as a girl, your body is normal, no matter what the tv and the magazines and the ads tell you. So many girls, especially girls who aren’t White, have such concerns about their bodies and nowhere to go because welp, most books about girls bodies are directed at White girls pretty much exclusively and go to other sources which can provide misinformation such as “Coca cola is an effective spermicide”, “bleach is useful to stop pregnancies in the morning after”, “pulling out is 100% effective” and “can’t get preggers at all through anal sex”. It is body positive, sex positive, real life positive! It helps with all the body and emotional stuff that girls (and growing women) go through that if it had a section on how to write resumes and pay taxes, all bases would be covered and have to be re-titled Book o’ Life, How to Be Alive.

theteenguyguide The Teenage Guy’s Survival Guide
(Jeremy Daldry)
This book is for the fellas. When I was growing up, I read books for both guys and girls because hey, if I wanted to learn real facts about boys, why not go to the source, right? I’ve discovered that this book is fantastic to explain bodies, puberty and girls to boys. It’s really a great book and I highly recommend it. It talks about masturbation, fantasies and relationships in a humorous, non-complicated way. Just like Body Drama, it tells guys about their bodies in an unabashed way and that it is okay to not match the depictions of masculinity in media today. It’s a great book for boys to learn about themselves, feel secure in who they are as boys and how to separate fact from fiction.

These vids are fantastic for those who do want info now, now, now!

Chescaleigh is pretty nifty! I like her videos! She also has several that are on point with the theme of this series!

“How Slut Shaming Becomes Victim Blaming” is a great video for those who are still fuzzy on the first piece of the How Much Do You Love Me series where I talk about slut shaming and how harmful it is.

“Cat Called”, shows why it is never cool to do street harassment (yep, cat calling is one strong and definite example of street harassment. Don’t do it.)

“No Mo’ ‘No Homo’”, which is a fantastic example of why it’s really stupid to say “no homo”.

Although Laci Green can a bit iffy when it comes to discussions of race, she did make this informative video, found through Chescaleigh’s “How Slut Shaming Becomes Victim Blaming” video that does have good explanation of slut shaming and why it is bad for everyone.

And another video titled “You Can’t POP Your Cherry! (Hymen 101)” of hers that provide information on the reality of the hymen and how virginity is depicted around it.

“Our Hidden Culture” goes in depth with street harassment (such as cat calling) and rape culture

And “The Gender Box”! As explained by LinzerDinzer and Miles Jai, cramming yourself inside a gender box is not very fitting.

This is really great for those who may be impatient, a bit embarrassed to get the books (and that’s fine), lack access to the books or simply want all the information right then and there. Here are some great sites!

Condom Depot – Y’all should have seen this coming. Best safe sex product site I’ve ever come across. They have everything from condoms (with rating system, rolled out visuals, measurements and customer reviews). Ordering is discrete – it won’t say “Condom depot” anywhere on the box so it’s easy to fly under the radar – and very affordable! Also there are articles and other writings on sex health, politics and culture around the world. Even if sex makes you squeamish now, just keep this site in mind for later.

Bedsider – This site is fantastic for learning about different types of birth controls without the scary or inaccurate sex ed. lessons! It comes with insightful videos, interactive guides and even a guide on which birth control to choose from abstinence to IUDs. This is a great site, even for the squeamish and easily squicked out about sex and bodies.

Rape Is Not Your Fault – This is for those who have endured sexual assault and rape, both guys and girls. Remember, no matter what happened, it is not your fault. You didn’t lead them on, it wasn’t what you wore, nothing that you said, you are not at fault at your own demise. It is the rapist fault because they are the rapist, they attacked you, not the other way around, end of story. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying and blaming the wrong person, you, and not the person who committed an act of rape. It does not matter if you know the person, if you trusted them or how close you were to them, they had no right whatsoever to dupe you and then persuade you that you’re the criminal of your own crime when really it was them all along. They are the criminal and they should suffer the repercussions because of it and there is no excuse in the book that should save them from it. Again, it is not your fault. The site is meant to serve Baltimore City but can be used by anyone affected by rape and sexual assault. There is also an “Escape” and “Clear History” bar if you are triggered.

And that’s the finish of How Much Do You Love Me series! Normal posting resumes next week! (I promise, I have everything ready and all) And here are two events where you can hang out with me, Black Witch:

Black Witch Meet and Greet (April 14; Baltimore, MD):Let’s hang out and meet each other! This is the Black Witch Meet and Greet, where you can meet me, fellow readers and have fun. Located at the Washington Monument, (if it rains, we’ll be at the Central Library) this event is open to any and everyone. I’ll also be bringing my BW merch, especially the marimos (they’re so popular!) so if anyone wants to buy but duck the shipping, this is the best way to go. The meet and greet will be on April 14th starting at 1 PM EST and going to 4 PM. Be there! If this one is really successful, there will most likely be a monthly BW meet and greet.

Ka-ra-o-ke! Music Time With Black Witch! (May 5; Baltimore, MD): I love singing and I especially love karaoke! So let’s do some karaoke together! We will gather at Rainbow Music Studio on 2126 Maryland 2 and have a room to sing the night away! Rooms prices are $35/hour for up to six people and increases by $10 when up to six more people show up (Ex: $45/hour for 12, $55/hour for 18, so on and so forth) so depending on how many people come, the price could be really small ($5.83 per person if up to six, $3.75 per person for up to twelve, so on and so forth) or bigger than that so although I will keep everyone updated, be sure to bring at least $15.

This post is part of the How Much Do You Love Me? series. Normal posting resumes in April.

Ah, the Nice Guy. This myopic douchebag believes that women should automatically give them sex because they’re sooooooo nice and kiiiiiiiiiind and def. not like other guys. They harass women on the street, have very difficult cognitive skills that borderline “absolute idiot” when it comes to understanding phrases like “No, stop talking to me and leave me alone,” and they believe any woman that is outside their house or visible on the internet is fair game, regardless whether she is busy, tired or plain not social. Women aren’t people to them, just a trophy to win and get sex from.

Here’s the thing about the Nice Guy. He’s not that nice. If anything, he attempts to be manipulative and when the manipulation fails, goes full on salty douchebag. Here’s a great video by the1janitor about why being a Nice Guy, isn’t really being a nice guy.

Wasn’t that vid all informative and fun? This dude hits the nail right on the head. See, women, given that we are people, like to be treated as people, not as damsels in distress or as if we’re open pickings simply because we exist. That’s why I made fun of that dude several Ask Black Witches ago because that’s exactly what he was doing and I, like any other girl, do not appreciate that. No girl or woman appreciates some random person walking up to them going, “You wanna start a relationship [with me, a total stranger]?” It’s creepy as hell, rude and any guy who does that fully deserves to get their every emotion obliterated because they don’t know how to talk to people. Look, if a girl walked up to a dude and acted just as desperate, I have a strong feeling that she would be treated as, well, desperate. Guys shouldn’t be excluded from such treatment because society told them that they are to be the actors and the women to be the acted upon. Nope, act like a jerk, get treated like a jerk, it’s that simple.

Now, if anyone is confused about how girls (and guys) should be chatted up, try the “like a human” route. Y’know, say hi, start small talk, learn to read and acknowledge the girl (or guy) not wanting to talk if it occurs. All you need are regular social skills you should have learned in grade school.

If you’re reading this and still feeling that, “Hey, women should learn how to be more receptive”, congrats, you are the human embodiment of rape culture, your “Proud to be a Douche” trophy will be in the mail with one (1) free coupon to the nearest castration and assisted suicide clinic. Thank you for your unwanted participation.

What is rape culture, everyone? It’s everywhere, from the Nice Guy syndrome to street harassment, to slut shaming to domestic violence to rape itself. It’s the fancy little ball of wtf that makes life pretty hard to live, especially if you’re a girl. It’s the societal assumption that of both genders, women, regardless of whether they’re grown or little girls, are supposed to be acted upon at all times. That, regardless what happens, they should be the victim and it will always be their fault because the onus is supposed to be on the woman to protect her modesty and chastity, especially if they are a minority. And that brings us to this side bit about guys calling women “females”.

See, the term “female” instead of “woman” is degrading. Simple as that. It steals away the human identity because we’re not scientific specimens, we’re people (if I sound like a broken record with this whole “women are people” thing, you won’t believe how many people are not actively aware of this fact). If we can’t even have the basic decency of being regarded as a person, just don’t talk to us. Rudimentary gender description should only be reserved for forms and to describe a group of people where age is not accounted for situation, never in informal talk or chatter. Either you were talking to a girl or a woman, not simply a female so choose one. Demetria of Ask Demetria was very on point when she said that when guys say “female” instead of “woman or girl”, it simply is another word for “b*tch”. So if any guy wants to be successful with women, take it out your vocabulary. It just tags you with “I’m probably a wife beater and/or rapist, please be rude to me.” This is also ditto with “shorty” and “ma”. Use of “Queen” means you’re the Afriboo edition of the degrading douchebag with a side of Nice Guy. Please avoid it.

On that note, I wanna bring up rape. If you think a rapist is a creepy guy in the bushes, hate to say it but you’re wrong. Almost 80% of rapes are done by guys that the girl* knew, which is part of why the number of reported rapes are so low. The “creepy guy in the bushes” is about 9%. (Lying about rape is about 2-4%.) Rape, as defined by the FBI, is “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim,” which basically mean if there isn’t consenting, it. Is. Rape. End of story. Forcing the girl to have sex? Rape. Is she sleep and wants to stay that way but you don’t? Rape. Is she drunk beyond comprehension? Rape. She says no or something along those lines and you won’t listen? Rape. Rape is rape. Between straight couples, gay couples, guy forcing himself on girl, girl forcing himself on guy, so on and so forth, it doesn’t matter, rape is rape. If the dude refuses to acknowledge non-consent in any way, shape or form, it rape/sexual assault.

I’m sure some folks don’t know how rape and sexual assault are different so here’s a basic cheat sheet:

  • if it is unwelcomed touching in an inappropriate area such as breasts or derriere or crotch, it’s sexual assault
  • if it is unwelcomed touching anywhere else on the body or making inappropriate sexual comments, it’s sexual harassment (which is what street harassment falls under, we’ll be talking about that later)
  • if it is forced sex (oral, vaginal or anal), it’s rape.

And there you go, your cheat sheet for life, now you can talk to people without risking interaction with the healthcare system, judicial system or mace. Still confused? Read and read again. Don’t wait for a “no” but aim for an enthusiastic “yes”. A rapist isn’t the creepy dude in the shadows but the guy who decided to not understand dissent.

Now, I’m sure I will have the random guy or girl (mainly guy) reader that goes, “But-but-but, women are aloof creatures that mean one thing but do another? How am I supposed to know when they say ‘yes’, it means ‘yes’ and when they say ‘no’ they’re not just playing ‘hard to get’? Women are so crazy, they make no sense.” Firstly, please turn off the tv, drop all your men magazine subscriptions and listen up: Women are no more complicated people than men are. Humans are, by extension, complicated creatures. If we weren’t, psychology wouldn’t exist, self-help writers would be starving in the street and advertisement would choose smarter methods to convince you to get their product rather than go down the “get the girl/all the girls” route that so strongly populates our media. Yes, you’re gonna come across some random girl who internalized the misogyny of mainstream modern culture, just like I come across guys who internalized patriarchal, hyper-masculine ideas of mainstream modern culture. They are generally nutters, poorly deluded, insecure (both genders) and – as you could probably guess – not worth bothering about with. If you think women are crazy, you’re probably the nutter I described above.

On street harassment: don’t do it. Street harassment is basically making inappropriate or sexist remarks or actions to women, using abusive language when women rebuff your random encounter. Most women hate street harassment because it is exactly that, harassment. Telling a woman to smile is harassment (if you don’t tell guys to smile, then yes, it can be seen as sexist probably because it is because like men, women have hard days and aren’t bobbing bubbles of sunshine), trying to get a woman’s number exactly .05 seconds after acknowledging her existence is harassment (and creepy), assuming that a woman needed your opinion on how short her skirt is/big her legs are/small her bust is/tight her shirt is/etc and loudly voicing that opinion is harassment. If you want to get to know a woman, try talking to her like a human being using normal social skills, it’s probably your best method. And if you’re miffed that girls put up a defense the second you talk to them, probably because you’re not the first guy to harass them and secondly, that society believe that women should be on their guard from future harassment or suffer being slut-shamed and deal with endless victim blaming because, welp, they didn’t protect their virginal ways enough.

If someone just checked their calendar throughout all this, yes, it is still 2013 but it feels so 1813, don’t it? We can call someone on the other side of the earth as if they lived in the next house over, complete with HD visuals and our phones can double as tvs, music players, cameras, calculators, PDAs, datebooks, computers and more but we still have to have this “Treat women like people because they are” discussion that folks didn’t understand back when they thought that hysteria meant the uterus was floating throughout the body and that blowing tobacco smoke up your derriere could alleviate stomach pain and save near drowning victims (I’m not making this up, check out #9). Yep. What strides in time we have made.

So, don’t be a Nice Guy. Be yourself – Oh, and the Friendzone! Let us talk about the Friendzone!

Okay, the friendzone is what the “Nice Guy” believes is the worst thing that could happen to them: to only be considered a friend and nothing more. Not a guy to screw or even a potential boyfriend, just a normal friend. Oh, the horror. All their niceness and pleasantness, wasted! I mean, if there’s no booty to be gotten, what else could possibly be there for the Nice Guy? All that is left is this girl who should now be derided as a tease and perplexing cunt who lead him on. How dare she not thank him for his kindness without removal of the panties? How mean. It’s like she saw the dude as a normal guy who had no ulterior motives they’d use conniving and manipulative methods for such as “be nicer than nice”.

The Nice Guy is only nice because they feel their only other method to get what they want lives out in a popular Sublime song: “If it wasn’t for date rape, I’d never get laid.” Using the more passive method of just pretending to be a decent human being, when it doesn’t bear the fruits of labor they prefer, here comes the whining of the friendzone because apparently being a friend to someone is a terrible thing. On the other end of all this, the girl is being “f*ckzoned”, meaning the Nice Guy doesn’t see her worth as a person or who she is, just as a walking Fleshlight. This girl could be really cool and smart but if she’s not dropping her skirt, there’s not much worth to her in the eyes of the Nice Guy. That most truly is coldhearted and degrading thinking because the girl is not seen as a whole person anymore but a sex aid, she’s objectified.

So, what if all the guy wanted was casual sex? He can’t just up and approach women on the street because that’s street harassment. Can’t be overwhelmingly nice when he’s actually not because that’s trickery. Can’t ignore dissent and rejections of sex because that’s rape. What is a guy to do? Oh woe, how difficult it is to not be the gender that doesn’t have to be on the receiving end of all this crap.

How about…having better perspectives on sex, sexuality, gender and a little bit of restraint? Women are expected to restrain themselves and their desires to the point of developing neurosis over it so it’s not like guys can’t do the same. Yeah, society won’t really give guys a hand on containing their sexual desires via oppressive laws, gender ideas and cultural backlash that can even result in death but eh, it can be done, nonetheless. Look on the bright side, dudes! No one is threatening to slit your whore throat if you decide to abstain from sex! (If that last sentence didn’t make sense, now you know how girls feel just a little bit.) Instead, just develop more sex positive ideas and interact with people who believe the same and you may get to have a better sex life. If you’re going “Omg, look at that slut over there, why does her shirt have a cowboy on it? She just wants guys to look at her boobs and then get offended when they do,” girls start to mentally strike you off their “May want to bone” list because you just slid yourself at least 200 years back in time. Misogyny is not attractive and yes, it is really hard to find women to sleep with when you keep spouting hateful ideas about them and using subversive tactics that get discovered.

So, don’t be the Nice Guy, just be yourself. Seriously! If a girl digs you, she’ll let you know. If she don’t, she’ll let you know. If she can’t, just move on without delay.

Alright, this is the second to last post of this month’s series! Next week is “The Arts” version for the How Much Do You Love Me? series! That mean:

  • books!
  • videos!
  • sites!

For everyone to use! So many that I couldn’t list them all here! And thank you everyone for bearing with the chronic late postings for this month, how embarrassing!

Oh, and there are Black Witch Meet and Greet events! Check them out here for all the details

* I know some random dude is gonna say, “Guys get raped, too” and y’all are right, but you’re only about 3% of the pie (yes, keeping in mind that rape is under-reported for both genders). As you read, switch to the appropriate gender in your head.

This piece is written by Angelica Temoche for the BW series “How Much Do You Love Me?” Normal postings resume in April.

I have found enthusiastic consent to be a litmus test of whether or not I’m going to have a great time in bed. Bad sex is definitely one of the most off putting, self-esteem damaging things that can happen in your day to day life. I have found that doing a quick personal inventory can steer you away from a lot of potentially negative sexual encounters and leave you with no regrets.

Comfort and Trust
This is paramount to having great sex. Sex is super anxiety-inducing; you are putting yourself in a physically and emotionally vulnerable position. Even if you enjoy those feelings of vulnerability it’s important to choose a partner that you trust won’t take advantage of you exposing your weak spots.

A big part of comfort is having self-confidence. If you’re not comfortable with yourself, you’re definitely going to experience discomfort with someone else. Get comfortable with your body, experiment, find out what you what you like and what you don’t. Know enough about yourself to know how to make sex good for you, regardless of the experience and skills of your partner(s).

Mental and Physical Attraction
Knowing what you are attracted to is a big part of finding what you need to get off. I don’t know about you, but I can’t really get enthusiastic about sex with a person I don’t find hot. Of course this can manifest in a lot of different ways. Physical attraction is the most obvious one, looking across the room and seeing the hottie with the rockin’ body. Visuals are usually the go-to for how we state our preferences, “I want someone with this eye color, this hair type, this height, etc.,” but other attributes can inform our attraction too. Smell is a big one for me, taste too, the taste of their mouth or their skin; strength, the way a person moves can also make up a person’s attractiveness to you.

However, on a completely different aspect I often find myself attracted to the way people think more than the way they look. I have definitely had a lot of sexual encounters that were extremely satisfying despite me not having a physical attraction to the person involved just because I was so enamored with their values or thought process. (This is more about whether I find a person interesting, rather than whether I think they are smart. A person who is really smart, but is a dull homebody with few interests isn’t going to wet my panties.) This type of encounter definitely takes more time though, especially if you are not a particularly open or candid speaker. If you are more interested in this type of attractiveness in a sexual partner you’ll have more luck among a group of people with the same niche interest or in the same subculture, rather than going to a local bar or club. For kinky people, sometimes being attracted to a person for their physical or mental attributes isn’t necessary. Sometimes all that is required is an appreciation of their dominance or submission; this goes to show how looking for partners within a more limited community can go in your favor. All types of attraction are legitimate and factor into whether or not you want to have sex with that person.

Playing Safe
O.K. we all know to wear condoms, or at least I hope you do, if not, here it is:


Also, learn your acceptable levels of risk:

Safest: Don’t touch anyone’s bare genitals, don’t kiss anyone
Next Safest: Wrap everything! Condoms are your best friends! Dental dams, toys in condoms, hands in doctor’s gloves when touching bare genitals/inserting into orifices.*
Risky: Do what you do, sometimes sh*t happens in the heat of the moment. If this is where you are at, have another forms of birth control (hormones or implant), know where to get a Plan B pill, and be prepared to get tested regularly for STDs.

Now lets talk other kinds of safety.

Mental and Emotional Safety
Sex involves emotional and physical intimacy (that’s one of the things that makes it so great), so during sex you are more open to getting emotionally or physically hurt. Sex also has a tendency to bring up subconscious trust, abandonment, and intimacy issues without warning. Getting triggered during sex happens to the best of us. For this reason, it’s a great idea to have a safe way out, thus safewords! Some people have fun making up new safewords for every occasion, some people use the same ones each time. For regular sex, mine used to be “stop,” if you’re not interested in having a conversation about safewords and you are playing with a vanilla person, “no” and “stop” might be all you need. However, a strongly stated, “When I say ‘stop’ you will stop,” never went amiss for more hardheaded people. For kinky people, the stock set of safewords are “yellow” and “red”. Yellow means “slow down, that particular action or sensation isn’t working for me, move onto something else”, or “back off” if you’ve just upped the intensity. Red means a full stop, something has gone wrong and we can’t continue. Sometimes after a red you can talk it over to evaluate what happened and attempt the scene again, but it’s just as valid to not attempt the scene again and walk away. I rather like those safewords, even for non-sexual situations; and the conversation is even shorter, “Red and Yellow, o.k.?” And an enthusiastic nod or yes is is the go ahead. For more extreme situations where your partner can’t see your face or you can’t speak, make sure to have an agreed upon set of hand signals.

Learn to use your safewords. Yes, having them is a step in the right direction, but if you aren’t comfortable saying them, they are no use to you. If you need to, practice using them. Set an arbitrary boundary and have your partner push or break it, then bring the safeword out. Your partner will stop immediately, you’ve learned to protect yourself, and you’ve built trust together. Remember that safewords are for both partners, so practice both ways.

Actual Danger
In your sexual travels, people may ask you to engage in acts that are life or mental heath threatening. Some people can accept the level of risk involved in these acts. I don’t like being put in the position to hold someone’s life in my hands. For you, maybe the the act isn’t life-threatening, it just totally turns you off, squicks you out. In these instances, sometimes it’s nice to offer someone a simulation of that act. Dialing it back a few notches, verbally painting a picture of what they want done to them, rather than actually doing the risky act can satisfy both partners. Of course it’s always o.k. to say a definitive “no”, just be aware that if your partner is particularly attached to this act, they might seek it elsewhere. It’s important that sexual flexibility is there for both partners, so maybe you can each have a list of things that are, “hot to think about, but not necessarily to do.” Of course the thing that makes this simulation work is the idea that it’s hot to serve or please your partner, if you are not enthusiastic about that, don’t consent to simulating an act that scares or squicks you.

Communication: Asking for what you want
Know what you want. Ask for it. Fortune favors the bold. Know what you don’t want. Make your hard boundaries known before a sexual encounter. If you don’t have the ability to ask for what you want sexually, you probably shouldn’t be having sex. When I am sexually submissive, I get extremely quiet to the point where I can’t really make full sentences, so to me it’s very important to make my desires and limits known before a sexual encounter, and make sure that my partner will not deviate from a planned scene or try to negotiate for more during the scene. Just being in subspace (a kind of high on being treated submissively) can often make me willing to give an automatic yes, rather than actually thinking about it. This is where it’s important, if you are topping a person, to make them fully present when you are asking them something important. (If you don’t get quiet during sex, good on you. Your partner will know what feels good to you and what doesn’t from what you say and the sounds you make. Both ways are fine, but being vocal makes it much easier on your partner.) Make a joke, change the music, give them something to get out of their head if you need them to make a real decision. Likewise, don’t ask them important, consent-giving questions when they are coming down from a scene in aftercare. Be aware when you are getting automatic consent, rather than enthusiastic consent. You always have the ability to stop things and safeword out if you need to.

Inhibitions can be good
Don’t drink and screw. Inhibitions keep us from doing things we are going to feel bad about later. So if you want to escape future guilt, avoid having sex while under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Just wait it out until the effects have passed. Make it a personal principle to say “no” when under the influence. Likewise, don’t screw drunk people, they are going to be uncoordinated and off their game. You deserve the best sex a partner can give you so wait until they are sober. If you can’t have sex unless you are on something, you should see a doctor. In a scenario where you are sober, and your inhibitions are in the way of you having great sex, make sure they are personal misgivings rather than cultural or social ones. Thinking, “I shouldn’t do this, my roommate might think I’m a slut tomorrow when she sees me in the same clothes” isn’t really a valid reason not to have sex while thinking, ”I’m not going to have respect for myself tomorrow if I do this” is a valid one.

Relax and Have Fun
Ok, so have you gone through the checklist?

  • Am I comfortable with this person/these people? Can I trust them?
  • Am attracted to the person/people involved?
  • Am I safe? Can I accept the level of risk involved? Have I taken actions/ precautions to make this safer? What is my safeword?
  • Have I made it clear what I want and don’t want? Do I know what my partner wants?
  • Am I sober?
  • All good? Let’s have sex!

If you know the answers to these questions, it’s way easier to make a good decision about having sex. When you feel good about that decision you can relax, have fun, and enjoy your orgasm. You can also use this a guideline to evaluate past encounters and learn how to make future ones more enthusiastically consensual.

Have Fun and Happy Screwing,


Angelica Temoche is a well rounded artist, graphic designer and printmaker that strongly believes in being sex-positive and promoting self love. Check out her website

* Note from the Editor: As Angelica and I found out, some people have heard of using plastic cling wrap (Such as Saran Wrap) to serve as a dental dams but this is really outdated information that could cause more harm than good. It can prevent passage of herpes simplex but not other STDs and it’s only for non-microwavable cling wrap. Here’s a really good explaination of where the idea came from and why you shouldn’t do it today. What’s a good alternative to getting dental dams? Here’s this handy guide on how to make one out of a male condom. – BW

Twyla couldn’t make it and I didn’t want to fill the series with my writing so here’s a video from Jay Smooth where he interviews Elizabeth Mendez Berry, who wrote the Vibe article “Love Hurts” about relationship violence and uses  the incident Chris & Rhianna as an example.

This post starts off the new Black Witch series, “How Much Do You Love Me?” Normal posting resumes in April.

How culture see sex and sexuality, it is in such weird forms. It is everywhere but taboo, there are so many harmful myths within realities, misconceptions and stuff that’s just plain wrong or creepy. Sex and sexuality comes in different forms so let’s start with the basics and bust a few myths along the way, shall we?

The different forms of sexuality/orientation:

Heterosexuality: Pretty simple – it means that you’re attracted to the opposite sex. So if you’re a guy, you like girls. If you’re a girl, you like guys.

Homosexuality: Also simple – it means that you’re attracted to the same sex. So, if you’re a guy, you like guys. If you’re a girl, you like girls.

Bisexuality: Quite Simple – Attraction to both genders. Regardless of whether you are a guy or a girl, you like both guys and girls.

Now here comes the lesser known sexualities/orientations!

Demisexuality – A person, regardless of gender, does not experience a sexual attraction to anyone unless a strong emotional connection is formed.

Pansexuality – Attracted to all genders identities and both sexes. They reject the gender binary.

Asexuality – No sexual attraction to anyone. Doesn’t mean they don’t have the ability to have sex, just no desire to.

Now in case someone goes, “You forgot sapiosexual!” I’m gonna talk about this right now. For those that don’t know, Sapiosexual is supposed to mean “Sexual attraction to those who are intelligent” and is not a valid sexuality/orientation. Feeling emo? Don’t because here is why:

A) Intelligence is a bit subjective. What one person could see someone as smart, somebody else could see as a dunce. Intellegence is more than knowing how to recite Pi. For example, Neil Tyson-Degrasse is really smart…when it comes to astrophysics. When he made the remark he did about the Mayans and how invalid their wheel of the year was and that they were wiped out because the Western world was going New Agey and hijacking their wheel of the year, he didn’t appear so smart. If you need to know the weight of Mercury and the statistical probability of it sling shooting the Earth into Jupiter, he’s your guy. Ask him about culture issues or sit him in front of beakers and say, “Alright, Mr. Scientist, explain and prove this random illness that’s been popping up,” he probably wouldn’t know what to do because although he is indeed a scientist and considered an intellectual, that’s not his field. Does it mean he’s a Grade-A idiot? Not really. He just has weaknesses, like everyone else, which shows that “smart” is in the eye of the beholder.

B) It’s human nature to want to pick someone fairly not stupid…comparatively. Want someone who you feel is intelligent? Woo, that just means human nature is at work. Remember, intelligence is subjective. No one really wants the dimwit who sits in a tree eating paint chips and drinking glue all day…except for the guy or gal who is wooed by the “intellect” of this dimwit and their opinion on, say, how the music industry should stop picking presidents and that the government should never ration salt because it would cause a worldwide riot. The dingbat finds the dimwit smart by their own standards even though the rest of the world sees the two as pretty dumb both equally and individually. It’s a trait that people like, has nothing to do sexuality. It’s no different if someone likes a person who is good at music or very athletic, it’s a preferable trait, not an orientation.

In short, to claim being sapiosexual is pseudo-intellectual in and of itself.

Now that we have these out of the way, here’s the issues that the perception of the sexualities can bring

Heterosexuality: Problems with this sexuality: how strongly it is enforced. In movies, shows, everywhere, heterosexuality is heavily enforced as the norm to the point that any consideration otherwise can be met with violence, even death. And continually viewing the world through the scope of staunch heterosexuality creates stigma, terrible gender policing and possibly death (Don’t believe me? Ask the family of Matthew Sheppard and Marco McMillian). It’s considered the norm and the only norm, which is the main problematic part.

Homosexuality: Problems with this sexuality: How heterosexuality views it. Homosexuality, has been seen as a preference (in opposed to being considered natural, like heterosexuality), still considered a mental disorder in some places in the world or recently relieved of such status (United States just took it off the books in 1974/entirely in 1986), or a curse somehow. Also, it is mistakenly accused in those who do not participate in stereotypical gender roles in dress and/or personality.

Bisexuality: Problems with this sexuality: How heterosexuality views it and homosexuality is unnecessarily confused by it. Seen as a kink, accusation of “being greedy/confused/not sure if straight or gay”, seen as a kink (I figure it bears repeating twice).

Demisexuality: Problem with this sexuality: commonly confused for asexual, considered gray-asexuality despite being its own orientation. Depicted as being “chaste”, which is a behavior instead of a valid orientation.

Pansexuality: Problems with this sexuality: Despised by heterosexuality. Confused for bisexuality and thus catches all the problems bisexuality does.

Asexual: Problems with this sexuality: Confused for celibacy or abstinence, which are behaviors not a natural orientation

Now, you probably have noticed by now that the various orientations are depicted by their relationship with heterosexuality and strained through Western culture, which is fairly Christian so you could imagine the problems that can cook up.

This brings us to gender roles, gender policing and culture. This we could talk about alllllll day but still some folks could still be left in the dust so we’re gonna be example heavy. For that we’re gonna be bringing out some pretty useful folks: Janelle Monae and Nicki Minaj.

Alrightie, let’s roll onto the roles. Before we start with the examples, let’s explain.

Gender roles are what mainstream society determines as how one should act if they are a boy or a girl. So if you’re a boy, you’re supposed to be rough and tumble, aggressive, opinionated and dominant. If you’re a girl, you’re sweet and passive, emotional but not opinionated. So if you’re a girl that is rough and tumble, aggressive, opinionated and dominant or a boy that is very sweet and emotional, gender policing will be on the horizon and quickly, you bet. Gender policing is a cultural reaction that can appear in macro (society) or micro (individual) forms. The macro form could be a billboard selling whatever that depicts a dominant woman as a cold-heated harpy (because, remember, we’re supposed to be maternal), a show that codes a sporty woman as ugly and unlovable, or a joke that accuses a guy of being gay because he’s not that into football. It varies further when race gets involved.

Aha yes, homophobic-styled gender policing. Because one is not adhering to their “gender norms” (put in quotes because, in case you haven’t gleaned, gender roles are taught), the assumption is that they must be gay! I mean, it’s because, hey if a guy acts like a girl (for shame!), he must like guys because deep down, this gay dude wants to be a girl and if a girl is too aggressive like a man, she must like girls because hey, that’s what men do since everyone is naturally heterosexual and that’s that. And homosexuality can be discovered through how the person dresses, acts and think. So if you know a guy that knows how to pair colors or a girl that is killer in rugby, they must be gay and that’s that because men are suppose to be men and women are supposed to be women. And if you’re a straight ally, people will definitely wonder or accuse you as a closet gay because hey, no straight person in their right (and homophobic) mind would ever care about gay rights…unless they are one.

Yah, that’s logic-bending bullsh*t.

The problem is, people have been killed over this kind of thinking. If there was a guy that had a flower charm hanging from their phone, people would go, “WE HAVE A GAY HERE! GET THE BLEACH AND FIRE!” because oh noes! Flowers are feminine! And to be feminine while male is gay! Which is somehow a threat to society and no man in his right mind would step a level beneath him and become feminine and still consider himself straight! What these folks didn’t consider: A) Men are people, some pretend to be cardboard cut outs of masculinity and others don’t let their gender hinder them B) that flower charm could have a story behind it, such as it may remind him of his mother who passed on because that was her favorite flower and C) gender is applied and how one expresses gender does not mean anything on their sexuality. So, because of this really bigoted form of gender policing, people wind up dying simply because they didn’t not want to adhere to their gender role because of how limiting it is. Or deal with a lifetime of gender policing that can create a myriad of problems for the person being policed.

And one more piece of vocab: Slut shaming: “Slut-shaming, also known as slut-bashing, is the idea of shaming and/or attacking a woman or a girl for being sexual, having one or more sexual partners, acknowledging sexual feelings, and/or acting on sexual feelings. Furthermore, it’s ‘about the implication that if a woman has sex that traditional society disapproves of, she should feel guilty and inferior’ (Alon Levy, Slut Shaming). It is damaging not only to the girls and women targeted, but to women in general and society as a whole. It should be noted that slut-shaming can occur even if the term slut’ itself is not used.”

Onward with the examples!

Alrightie then. Here you have Nicki Minaj, she is a Black, female, rapper who is also noted for how she dresses, which is usually in a sexy manner and occasionally dabbles in alternative fashion. (She’s once worn lolita, Demonias, and 6% DokiDoki). One thing that pushed her success in hip hop, a sausage fest grade male-dominated genre, is her ability to assume masculinity such as being brash, loud, putting bass in her tone and being dominant.

And here we have Janelle Monae, she is Black, female, a singer who is also noted for how she dresses, usually in black and white, suits and a pompadour. Wearing a suit, a clothing style that has been coded as masculine for centuries, and being the head of Wondaland Arts Society, she exudes what would be considered masculine because she doesn’t really require the assistance of guys. If anything, the men of Wonderland are moreso the supporting beams in comparison because they don’t have to be around for Janelle Monae to have any relevancy.

Okie dokie, we have our folks, Monae and Minaj. They’re both Black women in the music branch of the entertainment industry and to get to where they are and achieve noteworthiness, they had to assume “masculine” traits. This is not to say that feminine traits won’t get you anywhere in the biz if you’re a chick (because that’s not true) but that masculinity is considered the norm and femininity is a subset. And here comes the gender policing because you better believe they both catch it but in different ways and for different reasons.

Minaj encounters gender policing through slut shaming, homophobic accusations (because remember, only straight people play their proper roles) annnnnnd if you ever wanted to know for fact that rape culture exist, you don’t have to look any further than how Nicki Minaj gets treated. Because of how she dresses and acts, commonly Minaj is derisively slut shamed. I think at this point people have called her everything from whore to ho to whatever derogatory word is there for women who are open sexually. That or guys assume that her clothing and actions are non-verbal forms of consent to treat her as a objectified thing instead of a whole human (Example: Regis Philbin). To be sexually assertive and aggressive is supposed to be a “guy” thing and because no one slut shames male rappers for acting the exact same way or at a more increased level because let’s face it, Kanye West and other well known rappers are probably the picture definition of “yo-yo knickers”.

Since she’s Black, that definitely complicates the problem because she does not get the same slut shaming that Lady Gaga and Katy Perry does. Oh no, Minaj catches worse because of her race. She’s not simply a “whore”, she’s supposed to be a low down, dirty, little welfare sucker of a skank. Yay, racism. That stuff can bend logic better than a telekinetic can bend silverware. Nicki Minaj is subjected to the Jezebel stereotype, with a side of Sapphire. The Jezebel stereotype is the assumption that she – like other Black women – just gooooooootta have it. Sex is all they think about, sex is all they want. Binkin’ like bunnies is all they want, just like the Black male counterpart, they’re like animals. This is because Western society’s perception of love, sex and beauty is based on White, Christian, heteronormative and preferably male ideals. So much commentary is made on Minaj’s body and what it is supposed to do for other, not herself. She’s been compared to Sarah Baartman, The Hottentot Venus, by Afriboos because she’s showing her body off and with multicolored straight hair at that. Male – and even some female – rappers who attempt to diss her go straight for the body first and her skills second because it’s a much easier target to call Minaj a ho – regardless how hypocritical that charge is for the average mainstream rapper – and to slut shame her for not being “proper”. Because she is Black, female and likes her body enough to show it off, that’s enough to make society to foam at the mouth and police her gender. I mean, she’s supposed to be a girl, she has to be demure and genteel but instead she’s all dominant and emasculating. That’s where the side of Sapphire comes in. Not only is her persona is aggressive, it’s aggressive to men and in a patriarchal society, that’s a no no.

Being aggressive while female is supposedly threatening because gender roles dictate that only men are supposed to be aggressive, if women were aggressive, that’s an unnatural problem according to the role. The Sapphire is the Black woman who is ever mean with her wagging finger and sharp tongue. She is not nice and will not simply cooperate with man, oh no. Loud, rude and uncouth is the description of the Sapphire.

And how about that homophobic styled gender policing? Because Minaj is acting in a “masculine” manner, folks made the assumption that she is actually bi or gay because she made masculine references about women and through the play of language to establish an air of dominance, folks assumed “O hai, she must be gay because she’s making the same references that a guy would.” Also the assumption follows in the vein of the Lesbian trope which fetishizes lesbianism as something from a normal orientation to a sexual fetish for men because of the patriarchal “Hey, heterosexuality is the staple, right? Women exist because we exist, why would they actually be in relationship with each other? It doesn’t involve us, that doesn’t make sense.” And in hip hop, which is pretty notorious for being misogynistic to the point it’s quite clear they don’t see women as people but as things to show off to the point they faded out their own female emcees, it’s not that surprising they would expect such out of Minaj because of how sexualized her image is and even if it weren’t, they’d figure a way to somehow. Notice if any guy rapper were accused of this level of homosexuality, it would be as if calling him weak or feminine – an insult, in other words. Guy rappers are expected to sell using their wit, women rappers are supposed to sell using their body.

Now, for Janelle Monae!

Monae encounters gender policing through slut shaming (but a different variation!) and forced homosexual coding. Now, I know some folks are going, “But no one is calling her a slut for her clothes! She’s all covered up and ain’t flashing everyone! She’s so proper and refined!” And thar ya go, le slut shaming train has pulled into the station. This takes away Monae’s right to wear whatever she wants and even making assumptions about her over it. Because she’s wearing a suit, people are surprised that she curses, wears revealing undies (her pants split on stage, sexist uproar happened) or pretty much acknowledges that her body is her own. Either people are telling her to show skin to sell more records – remember, guy musicians aren’t usually told, “Alright, we need a spike in sales, strip down and here’s a boa, get creative” or anything of that nature – or to never break from the prim and proper look because if so, people will change faster than the speed of light.

Thankfully, she weakens the Black woman stereotype of the Mammy, Sapphire or Jezebel but she could fall prey to the “Black Women are strong” stereotype which makes people believe the erroneous fact that she is made of stone and forever stoic in opposed to a person who, just like everyone else, has good days, bad days, great days and craptacular days. Because she’s, welp, a person. That stereotype is something from a mixture of racism and sexism because already Black people are not really seen as people in modern day media but as moving caricatures of various stereotypes thus Black women would be seen in a misogynistic and racist way that is supposed to only benefit mainstream (read: White) culture. One of those stereotypes is the “Strong, Resilient Black Woman”. Don’t think it resonates today? Ever heard of the “I’m a strong Black woman that don’t need no man” meme? Yah, there’s your racism wrapped within sexism in sentence form that diminishes Black women who hold their own to be made of steel and bossy because remember, we live in a heteronormative, patriarchal society so a woman being independent? How…masculine. But hey, Black women are used to holding their own without a man because they’re so strong [read: this is a really racist statement]. So Monae does weaken and cut through the main three stereotypes but society still will attempt to press a stereotype on her image because we do NOT live in a post-racial society and never did.

Since Monae usually wears suits and a pompadour and that’s codified as “masculine” and “male”, she has to deal with people going, “SHE GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” because she wears a suit. Orientation apparently can be defined by a piece of clothing. Everyone, please know that this is a really, really REALLY STUPID way to determine someone’s sexuality. If you think women wearing suits somehow flags them as gay, you’re probably the paint chip eating dimwit I described earlier in this piece. Clothes don’t define gender. A guy could wear a skirt, doesn’t mean he’s straight or gay, he’s just a guy who is wearing a skirt. A girl wearing a pair of pants does not mean she’s straight or gay, she’s just wearing a pair of pants. It’s just clothes but to everyone else, it is something to read into and scrutinize. This is gender policing because if she wore a skirt, fussing would not ensue because she would be a woman following her “normal” gender role and they’d just would slut shame her based on how short her knee-length (or longer) skirts are instead.

Basically Monae gets hit with “Put on a skirt!” and Minaj gets hit with “Put on some pants!” Can’t catch a break nowhere.

This is how gender roles, gender policing and slut shaming can be complex issues for women because of sex and sexuality is used. It should be reminded that not acting out gender roles does not equal “gay”, gender roles are made up and enforced by society and culture as not all cultures and societies believe the same about what men and women should do and how they should act.

And my! This is a lot of info I’m sure so we’ll stop here and I’ll follow up with “No More Mr. Nice Guy” but the next column will be written by Twyla Cummings.

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