For some really weird/stupid reason, people keep asking me to cast spells for them, despite the fact I don’t do pay-for-pray/paid spellcasting for other people and have made that clear a number of times. I don’t personally do it because ethics, but the same people, already showing a major lack in cognitive skills, they think my hard fast ethics will magically disappear if they say, “I’ll pay you”, because listening skills are not prominent in the intellectually redundant. I know I’m American but I lean Socialist, not Capitalist, with my opinions on money. If I say I don’t do paid spellworking, I think you should listen. Besides, paid spellwork costs somewhere around college tuition and most aren’t forking that out, I’m American enough to know that.
This goes double for love spells. Least favorite request (next to body-switching spells, which, as a result, I mercilessly mock), especially spells that try to control another person. It’s stuff like this why A) I don’t do paid spellwork B) Why I never deal with love spells, I’d rather counsel rather than help someone Evel Knievel their love life because love lives are already sticky enough without magick.
And this is where the story/example starts. A dude contacted me because they wanted their wife back. Already, this will be a doozy. At the start, I roll out the basics (click through if too small):
Usually when people say “I need your help”, especially if they write pretty poorly, it’s usually an eventual request for me to do paid spellwork, which I don’t do. I say that all the time. Alllllllll. The. Tiiiiiiiime.
Just to be super basic, I don’t call folks. Yes, there is a Black Witch number but that’s mainly for business, not simply to talk to readers unless it’s super duper necessary, like the person is suicidal or going through a mental breakdown or something. This does not count as super duper necessary. That and I was on a phone call via Kakao to a friend in Korea. I’m not breaking that enjoyable phone call for some person who managed to probably nuke their own relationship.
For starters, the wife left this dude and took the kids with her. And as this convo goes on, I’m gonna put a little tic where this dude basically lacks all listening skills eh, you can probably count for yourself, it’s pretty obvious. And since I don’t do love spells, that means I shift into counselor mode, hence why I asked what did they argue about. The simple fact the dude quickly goes, “We were perfect but then her mom got in the way” pretty fast is definitely an issue. Yeah, there is such thing as meddlesome families but there’s more than one side to every story.
Here comes the issue: “Is there something [you] could do to help fix it so my wife will talk to me again”
I smell a spell request about to happen. And a manipulative one at that.
As this dude tries to explain (describing endometriosis as merely “a female sickness” is already problematic and distancing, if he said it like that in front of her, that’s one reason why she’d split), it seems that the estranged spouse had a lot going on and simply wanted to cut whatever she felt was possibly adding to her stress. It’s usually never a good sign if someone tells you they fell out of love with you. That’s not something people do lightly.
And here comes the first mention where I say “I can’t do stuff that directly mess with free will” because messing with free will is bad, especially in magick. Now, everyone, why I especially don’t do it in love spells is because controlling others is abusive, regardless of how it happens. Forcing people to come back to you is never good, even if you miss them a lot. Because, if you want them back simply because you lost them and not because you figured out how you screwed up and want to make things right, then you don’t really want them back for them but for you and your bruised ego, heart and pride.
Alright, moving on:
This dude starts to get a wee bit confusing. First time he mentioned that they weren’t spending a whole lot of time together, it sounded like the (ex)wife was making the claim. Now it seems dude is trying to back-peddle a little. That’s suspicious. And if it is the case of me simply derping out, if it is him who wants them to more time with each other, and she’s parted ways, maybe he’s starting to show an obsessive side…y’know, more than he already is.
This dude is super hardheaded, to be honest. This is a first of a buuuuuunch of times that I say “you can’t force her”. Because you can’t. If she wants to be gone, she wants to be gone, plain and simple. Yes, it hurts but life isn’t easy. And I get really confused also about how this dude somehow never knows what his soon-to-be ex is doing but somehow still knows updates about her life despite being somehow cut off from everyone who talks to her. That and how he bounced between “no one speaks to her, she’s basically alone” and “oh, they talk to her but not to me.”
Also, holmes shows a stunning lack of listening skills (which, mind you, are vital in a relationship) because despite the fact I said that I’m not doing any spellwork, he keeps asking. If you’re going to hardline like that, no wonder she left. It’s a really self-centered move to basically sidestep something someone says just because you don’t agree with what you hear. You can’t just ask the same question over and over in hopes a “no” will turn into a “yes”. It’s badgering.
And here comes the mother being somehow evil and masterminding the breakup. Somehow, I’m not buying this. Yes, meddlesome relatives are very much a thing but I don’t think that is what murdered this relationship.
This dude’s telling me that he never got along with her family (who she is close with so of course their opinion of him matters because she cares) and they never talked about it? That is a super dunce move because you basically have a live mine laying around buried in your relationship, quietly laying in wait. Everyone, if you have something like this TALK ABOUT IT. Because it will bubble up somehow, some way. Ignoring a problem won’t fix it. What this dude is calling “negativity” and “they just don’t like me” could very well simply be the mom and sis telling the (ex)wife that maaaaaaybe this dude ain’t so charming. I doubt they meddle in every relationship this chick has ever had because they’re from Cinderella’s step family.
Brah, what the flying fu- “She got a good man”?! Brah think he’s Will Smith or Barack Obama or something. Here’s the main difference between him and them: they still got their wives and don’t have to beg anyone to make them come back. Painting himself as the victimized, hard-working husband is super annoying because it usually never works out that way. In disintegrating relationships, it’s a two way street, usually. And, everyone, remember that the most common denominator of all your failed relationships are you. If everyone has divorced themselves from this dude and basically alienated him but not her, that’s saying something. And notice how the narrative changes from “she don’t talk to nobody/nobody talks to her” to “everyone sides with her, I get blocked out”?
I know one other person who was in a relationship with someone who had. My guy friend was a lot more understanding than this dude. Also didn’t frame it so poorly. Plus, it sounds like the relationship was dying out for this dude.
They’re both 28, known each other for 8 years (since they were both 20), married for 6 months and got separated for two months after that in those 8 years…
It would be rude to laugh but this is a looooooooong time to accuse a relationship going sour because of meddling. Even Othello wasn’t that long. If your relationship is crashing after a near decade, maaaaaaaaaybe it isn’t outside meddling alone because it should be strong enough to overcome that at the near ten-year point. That and both of you should have gotten used to (with air quotes) her family treating the dude like he’s Scott Pilgrim. And it should have been a point of discussion sometime within those eight years.
But wait…the kiddo is 7. This don’t sound like a “friendship” because while friends share many things, kids right after they initially meet aren’t one of them. Taking the usual 9 month pregnancy into account, it seems like they met, screwed about, wound up with a kid. Since Mississippi sucks on the whole “abortion is an ok option/god won’t hate you/here’s useful birth control methods” thing, this couple decided to wing it with this near-new stranger they just had a kid with. Stuff like this is part of why I sometimes rather counsel queer relationships because, like Dan Savage said, “gay people can’t get drunk one night and adopt.” I feel like if a kid was not involved, none of this would be happening.
This is not exactly a perfect situation. Chances are, the chick saw things were just not working out and ducked. At least she’s stable enough to get her an apartment for her and her kids while this dude is chillin with an aunt.
Since this guy is annoying, I mainly suggested bay leaves because bay leaves are good for luck and fortune. This is simply to boost his luck, not be a magic bullet that forces his (ex)wife to come back to him because, remember, I’m big on free will in relationships. Since this guy is pretty crap at following directions, thus it was a lot of “Yes, do [thing I just said]”, we’ll skip that screenshot.
Notice that despite the fact I said that the bay leaves are just supposed to boost his luck, he still is asking time and time again if this will immediately fix his relationship. And time and time again, I keep saying, “if it is meant to be, sure” because that’s basically it. I am not going to suggest anything manipulative. Because that’s wrong. I don’t want this dude doing any magick on his wife because he doesn’t have her consent, for one. And for two, he’s not going to cast anything that actually benefits her, just him alone. Thaaaaat’s not love.
Also, here’s a protip: magick is usually subtle. What did this guy expect? That he would burn the bay leaves and immediately his (ex)wife would call him, swearing up and down that she made a mistake and will never leave him again? Naaaaaah, that ain’t how it’s going to work. I intended that. Plus, controlling will is not exactly newbie work and he’s beyond n00b. Still, it’s wrong tho.
Skipping another round of “Yes, do [thing I just said]”, let’s go to the screenshot after that.
Here comes the dude going on the defensive about how things get bad and basically say “She needs to change, I’m fine as is”. Now, it’s not everyday people are going to be meta and objective about themselves but this is just ridiculous. If you think you’re perfectly fine and the partner needs to change, just let them go. If I have to pry a “But what will you do to help keep up the relationship should it ever come back together” answer, maaaaaybe you should just leave this person be.
And here comes the really derpy thinking that a “good man” is basically “one that doesn’t cheat or physically abuse”. That doesn’t make you a good husband, you’re supposed to not hit or cheat on your significant other. That’s pretty basic. That doesn’t constitute “good significant other”, that’s the baseline you’re supposed to build upon, end of story.
Considering all of this, even though he likes to blame the mom a lot, I don’t think she is the main reason why she is gone. If anything, I think I’m talkin to ’em.
Skipping a few posts because it’s the same go around because, wow, this guy is hardheaded, I even suggested the dude read Dr. Nerdlove, who has written three, great pieces, including one recently(oh wait, a newer one! That makes four!), about dead/dying relationships. Dude wouldn’t listen because there’s no “How to make someone who doesn’t love you anymore love you again” article.
And here comes the granddaddy derp of them all: the “cuz she’s my woman” defense! Dude thinks it’s ok to control people if you’re married to them. I think he took that “love, honor and obey” part way too seriously (do people still say the last bit?). Um, no. The (ex)wife is still an individual, her own person. It doesn’t matter if she is his wife, if she wants to make her own choices, she should be able to. To be with someone who thinks otherwise, they may as well not even get married since that person clearly haven’t moved on from the “property” concept of marriage. Kind of sh*tty concept for the 1500s, really sh*tty concept when you hit the 2000s. She don’t wanna love him for anything, and definitely not for him. She proved that when she walked out the door and blocked him everywhere. And everyone is working in concert with her to make sure he doesn’t know where she is.
As much as I would have liked to have said this convo ended here, it continued on for a way while longer. This dude needs to simply move on and have a hard think on what makes a relationship “good”. In all honesty, it sounds like an accident with a super long lasting effect. (Remember, safe and consensual sex is great!) And the fact he wanted a controlling love spell to get her back is part of why I don’t do paid spellwork and why I’m vehemently against inflicting on free will. Usually, spells like these aren’t with the estranged’s best interests in mind, it’s usually for a selfish reason. People have to decide for themselves, not have someone wrench that away from them. I’m going to take it that if she doesn’t want to talk to him after 8 years of knowing him, she probably has a very good reason.
Actually, after talking to this dude, I have a strong feeling she had a really good reason. I doubt if she could ask me anything, it would be him coming back to her. She moved on, he should, too.