Some days, content writes itself.

I got an email from Reisen Sheldon and it was the standard fare of “bad questions”

Can you please turn me into bloody Mary 

Also, because there are so many emails in this exchange, I’m just going to blockquote them all.

When I first saw this, I thought of two things: the childrens’ horror tale of Bloody Mary (basically, stare into mirror, say “bloody Mary” three times, attract a homicidal ghost – you get the gist) and the alcoholic drink that involves tomato juice and a stick of celery. (I have never drank in my life so I still have no idea the point of the celery. I assume for flavoring.)

Either this person was asking me to turn them into a jilted first English queen or an alcoholic beverage – and it doesn’t help that I’m currently reading Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (by the way, Mos Def was brilliant in the movie) so both look like actual requests. Too bad I’m not too hot on my chaos magick to turn people into drinks on a whim?

Either way, I stay true to my goal to reply to each and every BW email I get:

A) This is dumb
B ) I’m not a genie
C) Dump blood on yourself and call yourself “Mary”, much quicker

As a quick reminder to everyone: I’m only this acidic to dumb questions – hence why I always say “good questions are appreciated, bad questions are eviscerated”.

Regal Numbnut of the Fiftieth Court decides to keep talking:

Can you please posses me

Wow, even in the world of magick this sounds disgusting. Also, possession takes time and why the heck would I do such a thing?

Why the hell would I want to do that? Again, this sounds dumb.

The Regal Numbnut replies:

What do you mean?  Your a witch

Okay, everyone. I have zero idea what Disney or American Horror Story or whatever has told anyone in regards to this part but witches don’t just “do stuff” to other people simply because they are told. We’re not fruit machines. This is remarkably flippant. That’s like me going up to an officer and going, “Hit that random guy right there. What? You’re a cop. That’s what cops do. Now go bink that random fella with the orange face, terrible hair and badly tailored suit.”

Uhhhhhhh, that doesn’t mean I’m just going to do what random fools on the internet tell me to. That would be a genie. It’s *your* problem, *you* handle it, not me.

If something sounds like a you problem, I’m not going to fix it. That’s your plate of rotten potatoes, deal. I’m no one’s personal wizard.

I’ll sell you my soul. 

Ya read that right. Someone legit offered me their soul. Though some may disagree (mainly bigots who I got fired/investigated by FBI/etc), I’m not the devil. I don’t even practice the Left Hand Path! Here’s the thing, I’m no soul accountant but I’m sure the soul of a pathetic person probably weighs way less than the lightest diamond and has far less value.

Also, I’m not in the market of buying and owning souls. Sounds like upkeep and I’m not all for that.

That’s worthless. Don’t want it.

The dude doesn’t let up.

Is my soul what you want 

Hell no. Sounds like dead weight.

Or I’ll let you possess me 

That would be disgusting, why would I want to have anything to do with such a pathetic, hapless person. That’s like playing the worst VR game ever. 

It truly would be. It would be like The Sims 2 (and a half): We Stopped Trying, EA Stiffed Us, I’m sure. Or some version of The Sims 1 if no one cared about making even a quasi-decent game.

And if you think that was the kicker:

Are you really evil 

While it depends on who you ask (again, I do leave hapless bigots in my wake and even my lawyers sometimes tell me to tone things down a little), the average consensus seems to hover at about 68% Good 17% Virtuous 9.4836% Wicked/Evil, 5.5% Undecided. So, technically, no. I am not evil.

Why would I be evil? I’m merely annoyed to get such a dumb request from such a whiny person.

But, wait! There’s more!

I’m a witch in training or what you guys call it a warlock

A witch in training is called “a witch”. That’s it. I already wrote about warlocks but here’s a basic go-over from that post:

Okies, let’s start with the lingo. Warlocks are usually shorthand for “bad (usually male) witches”. The word is middle English, warloghe, from before year 900. In ye olde English, it stems from “waerloga”, which mean “oathbreaker” because “waer” means “covenant” and “loga” means “betrayer” (and that word comes from “leogan”: to lie). Yay, dictionaries!

Note that there is nothing about gender in there. Just “liar, deceiver”. Outside of D&D and World of Warcraft, no one I have ever come across has ever called themselves a “warlock”. Male witches are just “witches”. Because they are practicing witchcraft.

And there you go.

Yeaaaaaah, doubt it. Stop watching so many “witch” movies, pick something else to watch. 

However, if you look past the major gender and race issues of Descendants 3, it is quite a delightful film. Ditto with 1 and 2. At least the fashion and dancing are both impeccable.

I need you to help me

The kid needs help all right, but not from me.

Too bad I don’t care

Sounds cold as ice, I know but have you read the entire convo up to this point?

With a evil spell

Nix Descendants 3. This kid is just going to pick up more stupidity somehow.

Now this just sounds beyond stupid. How much tv do you watch? Because this sounds tv-villain level. Get a therapist or something.

So far, we have had: soul-selling, possession-requesting, insinuations of being a “warlock” and we’re not even close to done yet!

What? Your not a real witch im a witch hunter 
This would sound like trolling but I’ve gotten enough of these to know when someone is clutching for straws to appear tough and overwhelming. This isn’t to say witch hunters don’t exist, they do in certain cultures all across the planet. But I have a really strong hunch I am not talking to the protege of Van Hellsing or Hellboy. At all.
That sounds dumb, bro
 Their reply:
So what kind of witch are you 
A regular, plain witch
Not really too jaw-dropping but there you go.
Your supposed to be evil
Wtf? As determined by who?
Says who? That’s ridiculous.
It really is!
So what could you possibly do to well please can you turn me into a girl 
Man, this guy is an idiot. Anyone who even glanced at my site knows that I am not at all favorable to anyone asking to be turned into a girl, body-switching, none of it.
Also, notice the dude didn’t answer my “who?” question.
Um, stop begging. I’m not a genie. Why do you think begging helps? Stupidity has never moved me to do anything for anyone
Or turn me into  [redacted name]
Have I already said that guys are creepy? Because I have been running this blog for literal years and have yet to think of a single time women asked me to be turned into specific guys!
I don’t know who that is nor do I care. That’s pretty sad you want to be other people XD
Seriously. There’s “self-esteem issues” and then there’s this.
Well what can you do to me can you turn me into any thing or are you scared 
Folks, daring me to do things doesn’t really work that well on me. It’s terrible reverse psychology. And it’s usually guys who pull this ego trick. Probably because stuff like that works on them like a charm.
Right now, I’m turning you into fodder for my website, this whole conversation is gonna be posted XD
It isn’t fear I have, it’s bemusement to be bugged by such a pointless person.
And here we are at the end, folks! Remember: If you send it to me, you could see it on this website!

This person was beyond ridiculous. The incessant pandering is out of this world! Throughout the conversation, this was me:

Yeah, I really rather get actual, good questions. None of this nonsense.