I was contacted by Huffington Post (on super short notice, wow) to partake in a talk today about Paganism, Sex and Sexuality. While the talk is all day, my segment will be at 2:50 PM EST and for those who worry of missing it, it will be recorded and I’ll have a link for that as soon as possible (probably tomorrow).
Watch it here.
Ah, love. Also known as “Why Cupid would never want to visit the physical realm even if he wanted to”
Actually, he would probably say, “Hey, I’m just responsible for people falling in love. Y’know there are other gods, right? Like, for lust. And greed. And indecision. And bad decision. And…do you really want me to run down my family tree?”
Dating is not easy. Quite taxing, actually. It’s hard to find someone who is a compliment to your personality and experience and a great friend and is romantically compatible. Odds vary by race but being Pagan shrinks the dating pool even further.
Eurgh.
Ye gods. This sucks.
When you study in the metaphysics and esoteric, you start to normalize your experience from all the time you spend. This can make it tough because of media representation of magick and metaphysics colors the opinion of many so you have to talk with a heavy filter or be very good at gauging personalities and potential reactions. And it sucks when you get questions that basically boil down to “Sooooo…you don’t actually believe this stuff, do you? Oh geez, I’m talking to a crazy person.” Yeah, folks are pretty judgmental. And this is talking to people in person.
It seems the common solution often given to folks with unusual backgrounds (and/or social tendencies such as being introverted) is to do online dating. Dr. Nerdlove writes plenty about online dating, however it can be reminded that isn’t a guaranteed cure-all. While with online dating sites like Plenty of Fish and OkCupid, you can pinpoint select race and religion so you can find another Black Pagan to hopefully gel well with…or at least a Black Buddhist or Agnostic, they’re still people. It’s just this time they are behind screens and with avatars. But, also screening out who you don’t want to talk to gets a bit easier, especially if you pay a small fee to help boost your filters – something women should definitely know to handle the harassing dudes that will inevitably roll into their inbox. More on that later.
There are group specific dating sites such Black dating sites and Pagan dating sites. Pagan dating site are the absolute crappiest if you’re not White because that’s pretty much all that shows on the site. If someone goes, “That’s not automatically a drag,” how these folks talk in terms of opinions and life experience show you would probably be the first Black person they would meet or at least the first they didn’t receive a service from. Pretty much, you’re risking going out on a date with some possible Darren Wilson supporter that claims they know voodoo because of some Llewelyn book and swear up and down they’re not racist but Ferguson is overrated and SNL is brilliant multicultural comedy. Not worth the potential risk. And that’s from the folks who are not super creepy/all screws way loose. Remember, really predatory and abusive people like alt-lifestyle dating sites because they think they can hide their problematic ways under “being eccentric” or behind the “live and let live” thinking with little blowback. And they’re not that wrong, sadly, because some Pagans still believe that any cultural policing is bad policing as if it automatically brings harsh vibes when really active policing to ensure little to no infiltration of bad folks is great policing. Not everyone needs to be welcomed.
Black dating sites aren’t really great for Black folks well outside the mainstream Black experience. If you’re not Christian – or at least Muslim – and most definitely if you’re part of any alternative culture such as goth or punk, you might as well pass. (As for goth dating sites: same problem as Pagan ones, just add bats and black clothes.)
For the most part, that leaves you with online dating sites like OkCupid and Plenty of Fish. However, still you’ll see guys like this:
Whhhhy? For his “Most secret thing I’m willing to admit”, I’m sure it’s “Where I buried my past girlfriends, dates and denied crushes. And you next.”
And speaking of nutters like these because feminism/womanism can’t move fast enough, let’s talk filters. This is specifically with OkCupid, bear in mind. Using the settings in the messages section, you can set filters up so that guys who use less than 20 characters (throwing a random number out there, you can choose various character counts) and/or rank less than 70% match go straight into the digital bin. Pay the site 5 smackers ($5) and you can up the filters to be more sensitive, even filter out messages that include specific wordings of your choice like “beautiful”, “sexy” and slurs, whatever you want. This will help you find folks you actually want to talk to. If dudes are going, “How do we talk to you?!” Like we’re human beings: read the profile and start genuine, respectful conversation on their interests and not how they look, genius.
On online profiles, make sure to be upfront about your religious practices so people can choose for themselves if they want to continue to talk to you. If they don’t, try not to take it so hard. Yes, not easy but a must. And try not to settle, if the person is squicked out by your religion or your practices, move on. Ditto to if you’re talking to folks outside your race if they seem to hyper focus on race issues…or just the fact that you’re Black and they still find you attractive. Remember, even if you think they’re great except for this ooooone thing, know that they really don’t like people like you – including you. Just because they’ll take you to a Janelle Monae concert and give you daily hugs, that don’t mean you won’t eventually wind up in their crosshairs. It’s not very hard to drop from “good Negro” to “worthless n***er” in a nanosecond. All you have to do is keep breathing and be a multifaceted human. That’s it. Might as well pass on folks like that but you really gotta develop an ear to really screen them out. That comes from experience by dealing with people.
Also, if they are Black just like you but still say internalized racist stuff like how you’re somehow not Black because you listen to Rock and like UFO pants or that how Black people would be murdered less if they just pulled up their pants – leave them behind. No need to hear from people to talk like they’re possessed by Strom Thurmond. Seriously, if they rag you with, “Maaaan, Black people don’t read,” or “how you Black and you don’t like RnB?” just give them directions back to whatever plantation they stumbled from. Don’t matter if they served in the house or on the field, they still wanna be trapped on the land. There is a whole world out there. Find someone better.
If you’re a guy, please read Dr. Nerdlove. Seriously. Too many dudes with really screwed up opinions about women (and some masculinity issues with homophobia that also stem from misogyny) are super common on dating sites. Too common. Can’t date a woman (especially longterm) if you pretty much learned about them through one sided songs, repetitive movies and near forever tropes in video games. Eventually, the dude spouting this stuff comes off as really rapey/creepy/dudebro/combo. Can’t express how much a bummer it is to see a guy that has diverse interests, a great personality…but is anti-choice, thinks less of women after they sleep with them (brah. Why be upset at the woman for sleeping with you? You slept around, too.), that any sex partner count the woman had above 1 is skanky and think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved and wouldn’t date them even if they were a liiiittle pudgy…while the dude clearly isn’t virginal, quite hairy and could make Rick Ross look healthy weight. Thinking and sounding less like an MRA/”meninist” would vastly improve dating experience, even get approached. And remember, if a girl approaches with actual romantic interest, don’t freak out by saying she’s intimidating or by loudly humiliating her and most of all: don’t hit her. And not every girl that acknowledges your existence wants to get with you. If she asks for the time or makes small talk, she is simply being marginally social to another, locally placed human being (that’s you). If you wouldn’t want to imagine gay guys treating you like this (protip: they most likely never will), don’t treat women like this. Really simple. Not so simple? Read Dr. Nerdlove, he makes it simple. And entertaining.
Dating is super tough, that’s fact. Finding someone isn’t promised to anyone. There are, thankfully, spells to help attract potential suitors but here’s the part where I have to do the Pagan blogger thing about love spells:
Don’t cast spells on other people!
Intangible things (relationships and dating (in general)) are good things to cast love spells on. Tangible entities … such as, y’know, people, not so good. It’s the metaphysical version of the chloroform cloth and tying them to your boiler in the basement. It wouldn’t be cool if they did it to you, it’s not cool to do it to anyone else, plain and simple. Don’t do it.
And if you don’t have anyone, try not to sweat it. While our society puts a lot of onus on finding someone no matter what it takes, know that being single isn’t the worst thing to happen to you. Yeah, it’s cold comfort but true. Make sure that if you are trying to find someone, it’s not because you want someone to “complete you” or as a bandaid over your personal issues or to seek external validation of your existence and/or experience. Using other people as an emotional crutch and/or a therapist is never a good idea. It’s different from being emotionally supportive and present, two qualities to gun for instead.
Remember, all a relationship is, is simply a friendship with a romantic component.
Before we start, remember that on June 9th, there is going to be a Black Witch livestream on Ustream for the 4th anniversary of this site at NEW TIME: 10:00 PM EST
Moving on!
Neko no Shuukai
This short film is so cute! It’s called “Neko no Shuukai”, which means “A Gathering of Cats”. It’s about a kitty named Chobi that’s tired of being stepped on day in and day out and he’s not the only one. Time for a kitty revolution! Maybe.
Dr. Nerdlove
I have been referred to very few relationship blogs and dating columns. To be honest, I usually read Dan Savage and listen to Loveline but it seems Dr. Nerdlove is very good at creating materials specifically for nerds, geeks and everyone in between because if anyone needs to know how to be social and interact with others, especially in dating, it’s them.
Granted the website is fairly directed at the usual White, straight nerd guy, I have found that the pieces are fairly well written. I like his writings on Creep Week, how to interact with women and even goes as far as deconstructing misogynist ideas most commonly held in nerd circles so nerd dudes can go from fedora-wearing douchebag neckbeards to decent guys.
I really liked these posts most:
“Socially Awkward isn’t an Excuse”
“On Labeling Men ‘Creepy’”/”On Labeling Women ‘Crazy’”
“How Not to be Creepy”
“Coerced Consent: When ‘Yes’ Really Means ‘No’”
I know so many guys who could benefit from this site a lot more than whatever they’re currently reading. Dr. Nerdlove breaks down gender issues in a way that’s actually understandable for guys so they can develop the empathy necessary to develop relationships with. That and they can do away with the “Women are evil/mean/skanks/such catty b*tches/crazy” thinking since Dr. Nerdlove successfully deconstructs such problematic (and sexist) thinking. I really like it and thus, highly recommend it.
The advice is fairly sound when it comes to picking up folks. Dr. Nerdlove breaks it down bit by bit so everyone can easily follow along and apply it to their lives. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaad eeeeeeeeett.
Learn more about Dr. Nerdlove:
Dr. Nerdlove Twitter (@DrNerdLove)
Dr. Nerdlove Facebook
Dr. Nerdlove Tumblr
Musicogyny
It’s no surprise that the music industry is rife with misogyny. It has 3% women in the industry, which most certainly is not because of lack of talent from women in both the music side and the business side of the music business but of the douchiness of the guys in the music industry creating hostile environments that unnecessarily oust women, creating a near sausage-fest.
Of course, you will still have some random dude saying that he doesn’t see any misogyny in the music industry – in fact, it’s somehow easier to be a girl in the industry because there’s so little competition and they can use their womanly wiles to get what they want…even if they didn’t ask for it. (Read Dr. Nerdlove for an explanation of why this is such a dumb and myopic perspective). This blog is to document all the times women have encountered sexism in their respective fields in the music industry. I highly recommending giving this site a look because it is indeed ridiculous how difficult it is for women to make it in the music industry because they’re framed in the lens of “Is she hot or not?” lens which is mostly placed and enforced by guys.
Here’s a few stories collected from Musicogyny:
The one thing I constantly think about is when a friend of mine told me she once went to a band’s hotel room because she and a friend really wanted an autograph and managed to find the manager, who led her to the hotel room and how she was nearly sexually assaulted by the six guys because they apparently were planning to do something to her in one language and talking plainly to her in English and thankfully she knew the other language. It wasn’t easy to leave because the manager was standing in the way of the hotel door and she was on the other side of the room so it wouldn’t be easy to get out. She tried to pin the blame on herself but I spent around 10 or so years dealing with fans, it wasn’t her fault at all. All she wanted was an autograph, something that is in and out. That’s what she and her friend wanted, that’s what she explicitly said, that’s exactly what she expected. Not having a band she likes get the really wrong idea and even attempt to use an assumed language barrier to premeditate how they’re going to act on their really wrong idea.
Then, I think about how my other friend, Lupe Fiasco, got his career started. It also started in a hotel room. When he was 19 or so, he wanted to meet Jay-Z bad. Got a chance to go to Jay-Z’s hotel room, spit a few lines and, boom, a fruitful career is born. Never once did Lu have to worry about rape, one of the acts trying to take his clothes off. If anything, sexual assault would have been the furthest from his mind. He’s more worried about the fact he’s about to meet a favorite rapper, hope he doesn’t say or do anything stupid, forget his lines, that this was his chance. He was a fan getting an ultimate opportunity to meet his favorites well past meet & greet time.
This is very much biased. One got to be treated with respect to himself as a person, the other was treated like a call girl and they both wanted the same thing: to meet and interact with their favorites. Hell, asking for an autograph is much easier than asking for a minute of their time to spit some random lyrics but the fact that Lu got that time without so much as a hyper creepy and rapey comment about his body, his stance, the fact he came alone (Oh man, if Lu was a girl, he’d have a much different story on that premise alone) or anything that my other friend encountered.
Misogyny sucks, especially when paired with music. Or comics. Or society.
Alright, that’s all for The Arts!, next week is Ask Black Witch. Get your questions in. Remember, good questions are appreciated, bad questions are eviscerated!
Running Black Witch, I’m certain that I would get odd questions now and again. However, as of recent I’ve gotten a rash of “tell me if this girl like me” questions. This has been coming from nothing but guys, only guys have been sending me questions – or demands because manners are lost on them – to do divination or whatever voodoo that I do to figure out something that should not need divine questioning for. I always give my copy and paste answer of “Have you tried asking her?”
I find these questions annoying for two reasons:
1) If they did a little more than the most basic skimming of my site’s name, they would know that I don’t do divination readings on here until Samhain Pickers close to Halloween and even with that, you have to win the reading via random drawing
2) Why ask a random stranger on the internet if someone you actually knows likes you? Just ask!
The reason why I always respond “Have you tried asking her?” to their “Does she like me?” question is because that’s really just it. The best way to find out if someone likes you is if you actually suck it up and ask “Do you like me? Y’know, more than a friend?” I’m not saying it’s not nerve wracking to ask someone you have a crush on if they feel the same way you do about them but it is a better step than simply bothering me. Even my personal friends don’t come to me asking this question.
I do find it interesting that I’ve gotten absolutely nothing but guys asking me this. And they don’t go into detail, just basically go, “There’s this girl. Does she like me?” Dude, just ask her. I don’t think I can say that enough. One even decided to play stupid and thought that because I wasn’t psychically confirming whether or not the girl he was too scared to approach in honesty liked him, that it would be best to basically call me a fraud. Not smart. No need to get moody at me for not having the courage to ask for yourself.
These questions are so unnecessary and annoying because, to be frank, if the guy is too scared to make the first step on their own (or if anyone is afraid to make the first step on their own, regardless of gender) then what will they do when things get harder? The sucky part about love is that there’s not really any arbitrary checking scale. Not to mention, if I did do a reading for these guys (who bothered to ask with absolutely zero manners), that means they most likely would bother me every time they had an issue with girls in opposed to actually using logic and social skills to work it out for themselves. Yeah, no.
I really don’t like questions like these because they’re not questions you should be asking me, a random person on the internet. This is beyond dancing around the mulberry bush, this is avoiding the whole block that one bush sits on. It’s one thing if it were someone I knew asking and even then I wouldn’t pull out the cards initially but just ask the basic questions of “How do you know?” and “So, when are you going to talk to them about it?” Being direct, even when it is scary, is the best way to go about it all. You get your answer, everyone is on the same page, it’s a lot better than simply asking me. As long as the guys don’t take on creepy ways to confess to the girls or to ask them simply, they should be fine. Just be sincere and direct.
Of course, there a good reason the guys are asking me instead of the girls first: fear of rejection.
Getting rejected sucks but it happens. These guys gotta understand that. They also have to understand that talking (rudely and abruptly) to a diviner is not going to save them from rejection either. I’ve been rejected, my friends have been rejected, everyone’s been rejected before. It’s not fun but it’s part of life. It could go along well with the girl, it might not. It all depends on a) if the girl actually does like the guy back, b) the guy does not approach the girl in a creepy/domineering manner and c) the guy doesn’t respond to the potential rejection in a scary way. I hope the guys understand that no one owes them a date or a relationship and that if the person doesn’t reciprocate, they don’t reciprocate.
You know what else I’m thinking? It’s possible the guy doesn’t really like the girl in question but wants to know if she still likes him in a romantic fashion. If that be the case, how derpy, ha! Given my interaction with guys, it could be a case of the girl is genuinely nice and the dude misread that as romantic interest just because she acknowledged his existence in a positive or neutral way. If it is that, let it be known that just because a girl is nice to you or is comfortable around you, it doesn’t mean she sees you as a potential boyfriend. Girls create friendships because they’re people and people in general like making friends with those they find amiable. Either way, just ask. And get better understanding of social cues, not everyone who treats you nice wants to date you.
Basically:
Just talk to the girl, already. Skip talking to me – especially if you’re going to be so rude and abrupt – and just talk to her.
Let’s talk relationships. Well, first, let’s briefly mention how I won’t be at Pantheacon after all and the details are at the bottom of the post. Now, let’s talk relationships. Mainly ones that have flat lined and there’s no chance of revival. At all. Ever. Not even if the survival of humanity depended on it.
See, being a Witch, this means I get all sorts of people in my inbox. This also includes the “I Want Cha Back” crowd. These folks, you might as well play the iconic Jackson 5 song, they nearly recite the lyrics word for word without knowing it. These folks tend to contact me in hopes that somehow, despite the fact I have said several times on my site I disagree with manipulative love spells and don’t do Pay for Pray, that I’ll do it for them to bring back that just-recently-reconsidered-special someone in their life. And usually it’s supposed to be done without the recently departed significant other’s knowledge. And usually it involves the fact that the ex is the one who broke things off (and with good reason).
Yeah, no.
When it comes to magick, I always tell people to imagine the mundane version of the magick to get an idea of what they’re doing. For this, it’s no different than stalking and harassing your ex and yelling “I’M STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU!” at them as they walk down the street. Very rapidly. Away from you. Far. Away.
Here’s the deal, people: you can’t make people fall in love with you. (Well, you can but they’re not really going to be in love with you. I’ll get to that in a sec.) Love is a natural – and sometimes, a pretty frustrating – process, you can’t really force it. If it were that easy, Ok Cupid and other craptacular sites would never exist … or, at least, not to the extent it does today. If you screw up in a relationship and the other person breaks it off because of that reason or if that other person thinks it would be better to be single for a while, that’s up to them. Not you. It hurts to go through a break up but you can’t force someone’s hand. That’s not natural. And it’s controlling, which is not love. That’s abuse.
Now, note I said that you can make someone fall in love with you but they’re not going to be in love with you. It’s kinda like the mundane world version of blackmailing, harassing and guilt tripping a guy or girl to love you. They may be showing the displays of what is outwardly considered affection but it’s not coming from a place of affection but more of a place of “Will this person stop bothering me?/I don’t feel like I have a choice.” They don’t really love you, they’re just faking it until they see the first opening to dash out into the wilderness like a spooked rabbit. It’s not right to just control someone’s heart and go, “Newp. You love me now. I may be a screw up and will mess up to the point you’re fully justified to break things off or maybe you need some time to yourself but newp, not letting you go because it hurts me too much.” That’s pretty selfish. Which also isn’t love. Affectionate love isn’t that self-serving and never should be.
Break ups happen for a multitude of reasons. It seems as of recent I’ve been getting the “I messed up/the former bf/gf thinks I messed up but I totally don’t get it” letters. They’re not what I like to see because, welp, I’m gonna probably side with the person who left you because you didn’t get it together as appropriate for the relationship. And I mean when there’s an actual problem in the relationship, such as you being a poor communicator, relying on tired gender tropes and trying to shove your now-ex into said trope boxes, and/or just having too many issues and not dedicating enough time to unpack them in a healthy way. It’s important for people to know that when they’re in a relationship, they’re taking on the role of the significant other, not the replacement-parent/authority figure.
For the former, the “I messed up”, these folks are aware they screwed up – too bad they figured it out faaaaaaar too late. These folks have got to know that there is such thing as the Point of No Return and said point has such a name for a reason. If the now-ex person was a good or even average communicator, chances are they already said their piece and made it known that there was some problematic behavior they weren’t gelling with. Life isn’t like tv, it’s not always that the now-former significant other just up and leave without letting you know beforehand. It’s nice that the person coming to me finally came to their senses about their behavior but guess what? If you have to come to a witch to repair things, it means you still blew it big time, and I mean nuclear. It implies that the ex doesn’t want anything to do with you, doesn’t care whether or not you learned your lesson, and doesn’t want to come back to you. And who am I to force them? I wouldn’t want it done to me, why would I want to do it to others so they can be dragged back into a relationship that made them so unhappy? And this is running on the assumption that the person coming to me not only knows about how bad their flaws were but actually changed them and plan to keep it that way. Usually folks slide far too easily back into their old ways when they feel like there’s nothing to lose from doing it if that desire to change isn’t intrinsic (meaning: coming from the inside). If you messed up, learn how to remedy that and move on.
For the latter “I have no idea how I screwed up but the bf/gf still left me because they think I’m [insert what could actually be the problem], I want them back”, that person is just myopic. Sometimes erratic breakups happen but these folks tend to have a very evident problematic trait that they have no plan on working on any time soon nor want to work on because they themselves don’t see it as problematic. Those folks are unbelievable because wow, talk about dragging someone back to hell. This means they’re not going to work on their problems (because remember, it’s not a problem in their eyes) and they don’t understand that people don’t have to put up with their nonsense if it’s not reaping any super justifiable benefit. People are allowed to be flawed because everyone is but no one should be expecting anyone to deal with their issues as if that’s all that should matter in the relationship. Relationships can’t survive in a one-sided fashion.
It’s important to note that both folks are pretty self-preserving. Instead of letting the ex go (which is a painful and extensive process, let’s not negate that), they’re trying to force someone who’s already made up their mind to leave back into a place they, the ex, already expressed they didn’t want to remain. There’s no thinking about why the ex did it and what good did it do for that ex to leave a problematic person behind or what traits need to be worked on as a whole to prevent this all from happening again. Instead it’s about what unhappiness comes from a break-up and how to somehow turn back the hands of time to revive a dead relationship. Which then becomes a zombie relationship because there’s no love, there’s no feeling. It’s just an undead lingering feeling that will just wrack up more problems and less love because again, you can’t force anyone to love you just like you can’t force a dead person to be alive like they were previously. This is controlling behavior, which is not based in love. At all.
Controlling anyone, removing anyone of their freedom to choose, that isn’t love. Not at all. It hurts having someone leave you but forcing them to come back won’t make anything better. The love is gone, dude. Casting a spell on a person (which is a long and grueling work because chances are it’s going to have to be refreshed again and again and again depending on how long the client wants the spell going) is a terrible way of showing someone that you “care”. It’s no different than sticking a gun in their face and saying “So, we’re gonna be exactly like we were before. You never left me. We never had problems. I’m the guy/girl for you and we’re going to be happy, happy, happy. You just don’t understand it yet but you’ll see. We’re meant for each other.” That’s crazy talk. You need a visit from a therapist, not your ex if you truly feel that way.
Oh. And then there’s the obvious, “No one really likes it when you cast a spell on them to like you” part. I think it needed its own paragraph. Seriously, think about it: “I had a spell casted on you so we could be together, I just really didn’t want you to leave me,” is not going to get you greeted with admiration.
So, if you’re dealing with break-up pangs, don’t contact me about Pay for Pray. I don’t do it and I definitely don’t do it for something as unethical as that. Just let that person go. If they wanna get back with you, you better have your ears open and get ready to do some longstanding work. If they never want to get back with you again, respect that decision. I didn’t say “don’t cry about it”, “don’t get emo about it”, “don’t post ranty blog posts about it”, “don’t express unhappiness about it”. I never said, “Just accept it with a smile and move on as if nothing happened”, I said “if they never want to get back with you again, respect that decision.” You’re free to be as upset as you like. You just aren’t free to take someone else’s freedom of choice just because it doesn’t work with yours.
Now, about Pantheacon. I won’t be able to go due to travel issues (*cough*TSAandPTSDdon’tmix*cough*) and I am going to instead try to do a livestream of my feature instead on the day and time I was supposed to be doing it in Cali, which is Feb 16, 11 AM PST. More updates on that later.
Next week on The Arts!….DOCUMENTARIES (fun/interesting ones, I swear)
– Jimi Hendrix
– Paris is Burning
– Century of the Self
Woo!
This is this month’s Ask Black Witch where you ask me questions and I answer ‘em! Remember, if you want to ask questions for upcoming months, please feel free to use the nifty ABW submission box on the right side bar. Or you can submit on your mobile device using the QR code beneath it. And as always, good questions are appreciated, bad questions are eviscerated.
And also the BW anniversary is on June 9th but more on that at the end, onward with the question!
“greetings..i had small question..I wonder about honey jar for love..”
– Classy C.
Because this question is unbelievably vague beyond vague, I asked the person if they could expand on their question and they did:
“Longing time boyfriend 12yrs in sept. Trying to move forward & rebuild romance..hasn’t been a walk in the park but we love each other..so I thought honey jar love spell..sweeten him up..turn up the passion ..? Just not sure which method is the best..yes I want to get married..”
I gave my usual spiel of “magick isn’t a band aid for drowning relationships” and added the question of why she didn’t propose instead since it is 2013 and all. Response:
“He is a man of pride but style as well image is everything …ring is like a home it displays he’s got it like that..I just start tellin him we gotta get on the next page..he grew up seeing married ppl at like fools & has that terrible. Image in his head. Me I saw that but I know we are our own directors”
Now, in a few more messages, she mentions that she practices magick occasionally – I asked if she practiced at all because it’s never good to dabble and it isn’t hard to imagine people trying to use magick to make a faltering relationship work despite being total noobs.
In all honesty, I would recommend against the honey jar spell because it seems the spell wouldn’t have much desired effect because there’s a deeper wedge in the relationship that is producing the stammering in romance. A spell like that would be useful if one wanted to spice up the relationship (and the other partner knew about it) but otherwise, it would be smarter to just work out the difficulties in the relationship. Every relationship will have its problems, that’s a result of two imperfect and totally fallible people dating each other, but this sounds potentially fatal to the relationship. Magick wouldn’t solve it unless she wanted to go for a binding spell (don’t do it).
So it would be best to just have a nice, long, hard heart to heart so everyone is on the same page, in the same book, within the same genre. Magick will possibly put passion in the relationship but it will be temporary and again, it ignores the fact that there’s a pretty severe issue in the relationship. The guy is either going to have to let go of his vanity and concern about image or Classy is going to have to be even more patient before achieving marriage. Either way, a communication spell would be better than a love spell for these two.
And that’s all of ABW for this month, which isn’t that bad, given how this month was pretty stressful for me so yay, light load!
Now, about the 3rd Black Witch anniversary. As usual, I’ll be conducting an Ustream chat at 6:00 PM EST on June 9th. You guys can ask me questions, chat with me, so on and so forth. Be there!
Alright, the very final post of the Black Witch series, The Arts! This will have plenty of resources for sex and sexuality starting with books. And check out the end! Black Witch events!
Books
The Wandering Womb: A Cultural History of Outrageous Beliefs about Woman
(Lana Thompson)
Western history has had a long stand about the body of woman and how society should perceive it, which has transformed over time. This book talks about those beliefs from the beginning and, as the title states, how outrageous and perverse they are. From the theory of the uterus and hysteria to medical theory about women and how their bodies work. Lighthearted, filled with imagery and informative, this book is quite something.
Virgin: The Untouched History
(Hanne Blank)
This book is incredibly awesome. It talks about the history of virginity. Did you know that our concept on virginity is a fairly recent thing? Also, it talks about the hymen, which was not always the determinate of virginity. In addition, there are wild misconceptions about hymens (there is no such thing as “destroying” or breaking/popping a hymen) and this book talks about it in detail the social obsession with virginity, hymens, culture and how the world interacts with the existence of women and their bodies. It’s a really cool book and fantastically written, I highly recommend reading it.
Body Drama: Real Girls, Real Bodies, Real Issues, Real Answers
(Nancy Amanda Redd)
This book. This book right here? Prepares you for life. Like, life, man. Life. This is the best book I had ever under-appreciated in my liiiiiiiiiiiiiife. Oh my gods. This book is a must read for all girls, especially if you are a minority because this book has it all and most importantly…it’s not a book that’s targeted at White girls with some tokens scattered throughout the pages like the vast majority of them are. It actually reflects girls and all their problems and backgrounds. It talks about more than just puberty but the body and how it works and develop from ashy skin to hair to embarrassing questions such as weird smells and skid marks. It’s a great book to learn that as a girl, your body is normal, no matter what the tv and the magazines and the ads tell you. So many girls, especially girls who aren’t White, have such concerns about their bodies and nowhere to go because welp, most books about girls bodies are directed at White girls pretty much exclusively and go to other sources which can provide misinformation such as “Coca cola is an effective spermicide”, “bleach is useful to stop pregnancies in the morning after”, “pulling out is 100% effective” and “can’t get preggers at all through anal sex”. It is body positive, sex positive, real life positive! It helps with all the body and emotional stuff that girls (and growing women) go through that if it had a section on how to write resumes and pay taxes, all bases would be covered and have to be re-titled Book o’ Life, How to Be Alive.
The Teenage Guy’s Survival Guide
(Jeremy Daldry)
This book is for the fellas. When I was growing up, I read books for both guys and girls because hey, if I wanted to learn real facts about boys, why not go to the source, right? I’ve discovered that this book is fantastic to explain bodies, puberty and girls to boys. It’s really a great book and I highly recommend it. It talks about masturbation, fantasies and relationships in a humorous, non-complicated way. Just like Body Drama, it tells guys about their bodies in an unabashed way and that it is okay to not match the depictions of masculinity in media today. It’s a great book for boys to learn about themselves, feel secure in who they are as boys and how to separate fact from fiction.
Videos!
These vids are fantastic for those who do want info now, now, now!
Chescaleigh is pretty nifty! I like her videos! She also has several that are on point with the theme of this series!
“How Slut Shaming Becomes Victim Blaming” is a great video for those who are still fuzzy on the first piece of the How Much Do You Love Me series where I talk about slut shaming and how harmful it is.
“Cat Called”, shows why it is never cool to do street harassment (yep, cat calling is one strong and definite example of street harassment. Don’t do it.)
“No Mo’ ‘No Homo’”, which is a fantastic example of why it’s really stupid to say “no homo”.
Although Laci Green can a bit iffy when it comes to discussions of race, she did make this informative video, found through Chescaleigh’s “How Slut Shaming Becomes Victim Blaming” video that does have good explanation of slut shaming and why it is bad for everyone.
And another video titled “You Can’t POP Your Cherry! (Hymen 101)” of hers that provide information on the reality of the hymen and how virginity is depicted around it.
“Our Hidden Culture” goes in depth with street harassment (such as cat calling) and rape culture
And “The Gender Box”! As explained by LinzerDinzer and Miles Jai, cramming yourself inside a gender box is not very fitting.
Sites
This is really great for those who may be impatient, a bit embarrassed to get the books (and that’s fine), lack access to the books or simply want all the information right then and there. Here are some great sites!
Condom Depot – Y’all should have seen this coming. Best safe sex product site I’ve ever come across. They have everything from condoms (with rating system, rolled out visuals, measurements and customer reviews). Ordering is discrete – it won’t say “Condom depot” anywhere on the box so it’s easy to fly under the radar – and very affordable! Also there are articles and other writings on sex health, politics and culture around the world. Even if sex makes you squeamish now, just keep this site in mind for later.
Bedsider – This site is fantastic for learning about different types of birth controls without the scary or inaccurate sex ed. lessons! It comes with insightful videos, interactive guides and even a guide on which birth control to choose from abstinence to IUDs. This is a great site, even for the squeamish and easily squicked out about sex and bodies.
Rape Is Not Your Fault – This is for those who have endured sexual assault and rape, both guys and girls. Remember, no matter what happened, it is not your fault. You didn’t lead them on, it wasn’t what you wore, nothing that you said, you are not at fault at your own demise. It is the rapist fault because they are the rapist, they attacked you, not the other way around, end of story. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying and blaming the wrong person, you, and not the person who committed an act of rape. It does not matter if you know the person, if you trusted them or how close you were to them, they had no right whatsoever to dupe you and then persuade you that you’re the criminal of your own crime when really it was them all along. They are the criminal and they should suffer the repercussions because of it and there is no excuse in the book that should save them from it. Again, it is not your fault. The site is meant to serve Baltimore City but can be used by anyone affected by rape and sexual assault. There is also an “Escape” and “Clear History” bar if you are triggered.
And that’s the finish of How Much Do You Love Me series! Normal posting resumes next week! (I promise, I have everything ready and all) And here are two events where you can hang out with me, Black Witch:
Black Witch Meet and Greet (April 14; Baltimore, MD):Let’s hang out and meet each other! This is the Black Witch Meet and Greet, where you can meet me, fellow readers and have fun. Located at the Washington Monument, (if it rains, we’ll be at the Central Library) this event is open to any and everyone. I’ll also be bringing my BW merch, especially the marimos (they’re so popular!) so if anyone wants to buy but duck the shipping, this is the best way to go. The meet and greet will be on April 14th starting at 1 PM EST and going to 4 PM. Be there! If this one is really successful, there will most likely be a monthly BW meet and greet.
Ka-ra-o-ke! Music Time With Black Witch! (May 5; Baltimore, MD): I love singing and I especially love karaoke! So let’s do some karaoke together! We will gather at Rainbow Music Studio on 2126 Maryland 2 and have a room to sing the night away! Rooms prices are $35/hour for up to six people and increases by $10 when up to six more people show up (Ex: $45/hour for 12, $55/hour for 18, so on and so forth) so depending on how many people come, the price could be really small ($5.83 per person if up to six, $3.75 per person for up to twelve, so on and so forth) or bigger than that so although I will keep everyone updated, be sure to bring at least $15.
This piece is written by Angelica Temoche for the BW series “How Much Do You Love Me?” Normal postings resume in April.
I have found enthusiastic consent to be a litmus test of whether or not I’m going to have a great time in bed. Bad sex is definitely one of the most off putting, self-esteem damaging things that can happen in your day to day life. I have found that doing a quick personal inventory can steer you away from a lot of potentially negative sexual encounters and leave you with no regrets.
Comfort and Trust
This is paramount to having great sex. Sex is super anxiety-inducing; you are putting yourself in a physically and emotionally vulnerable position. Even if you enjoy those feelings of vulnerability it’s important to choose a partner that you trust won’t take advantage of you exposing your weak spots.
A big part of comfort is having self-confidence. If you’re not comfortable with yourself, you’re definitely going to experience discomfort with someone else. Get comfortable with your body, experiment, find out what you what you like and what you don’t. Know enough about yourself to know how to make sex good for you, regardless of the experience and skills of your partner(s).
Mental and Physical Attraction
Knowing what you are attracted to is a big part of finding what you need to get off. I don’t know about you, but I can’t really get enthusiastic about sex with a person I don’t find hot. Of course this can manifest in a lot of different ways. Physical attraction is the most obvious one, looking across the room and seeing the hottie with the rockin’ body. Visuals are usually the go-to for how we state our preferences, “I want someone with this eye color, this hair type, this height, etc.,” but other attributes can inform our attraction too. Smell is a big one for me, taste too, the taste of their mouth or their skin; strength, the way a person moves can also make up a person’s attractiveness to you.
However, on a completely different aspect I often find myself attracted to the way people think more than the way they look. I have definitely had a lot of sexual encounters that were extremely satisfying despite me not having a physical attraction to the person involved just because I was so enamored with their values or thought process. (This is more about whether I find a person interesting, rather than whether I think they are smart. A person who is really smart, but is a dull homebody with few interests isn’t going to wet my panties.) This type of encounter definitely takes more time though, especially if you are not a particularly open or candid speaker. If you are more interested in this type of attractiveness in a sexual partner you’ll have more luck among a group of people with the same niche interest or in the same subculture, rather than going to a local bar or club. For kinky people, sometimes being attracted to a person for their physical or mental attributes isn’t necessary. Sometimes all that is required is an appreciation of their dominance or submission; this goes to show how looking for partners within a more limited community can go in your favor. All types of attraction are legitimate and factor into whether or not you want to have sex with that person.
Playing Safe
O.K. we all know to wear condoms, or at least I hope you do, if not, here it is:
Also, learn your acceptable levels of risk:
Safest: Don’t touch anyone’s bare genitals, don’t kiss anyone
Next Safest: Wrap everything! Condoms are your best friends! Dental dams, toys in condoms, hands in doctor’s gloves when touching bare genitals/inserting into orifices.*
Risky: Do what you do, sometimes sh*t happens in the heat of the moment. If this is where you are at, have another forms of birth control (hormones or implant), know where to get a Plan B pill, and be prepared to get tested regularly for STDs.
Now lets talk other kinds of safety.
Mental and Emotional Safety
Sex involves emotional and physical intimacy (that’s one of the things that makes it so great), so during sex you are more open to getting emotionally or physically hurt. Sex also has a tendency to bring up subconscious trust, abandonment, and intimacy issues without warning. Getting triggered during sex happens to the best of us. For this reason, it’s a great idea to have a safe way out, thus safewords! Some people have fun making up new safewords for every occasion, some people use the same ones each time. For regular sex, mine used to be “stop,” if you’re not interested in having a conversation about safewords and you are playing with a vanilla person, “no” and “stop” might be all you need. However, a strongly stated, “When I say ‘stop’ you will stop,” never went amiss for more hardheaded people. For kinky people, the stock set of safewords are “yellow” and “red”. Yellow means “slow down, that particular action or sensation isn’t working for me, move onto something else”, or “back off” if you’ve just upped the intensity. Red means a full stop, something has gone wrong and we can’t continue. Sometimes after a red you can talk it over to evaluate what happened and attempt the scene again, but it’s just as valid to not attempt the scene again and walk away. I rather like those safewords, even for non-sexual situations; and the conversation is even shorter, “Red and Yellow, o.k.?” And an enthusiastic nod or yes is is the go ahead. For more extreme situations where your partner can’t see your face or you can’t speak, make sure to have an agreed upon set of hand signals.
Learn to use your safewords. Yes, having them is a step in the right direction, but if you aren’t comfortable saying them, they are no use to you. If you need to, practice using them. Set an arbitrary boundary and have your partner push or break it, then bring the safeword out. Your partner will stop immediately, you’ve learned to protect yourself, and you’ve built trust together. Remember that safewords are for both partners, so practice both ways.
Actual Danger
In your sexual travels, people may ask you to engage in acts that are life or mental heath threatening. Some people can accept the level of risk involved in these acts. I don’t like being put in the position to hold someone’s life in my hands. For you, maybe the the act isn’t life-threatening, it just totally turns you off, squicks you out. In these instances, sometimes it’s nice to offer someone a simulation of that act. Dialing it back a few notches, verbally painting a picture of what they want done to them, rather than actually doing the risky act can satisfy both partners. Of course it’s always o.k. to say a definitive “no”, just be aware that if your partner is particularly attached to this act, they might seek it elsewhere. It’s important that sexual flexibility is there for both partners, so maybe you can each have a list of things that are, “hot to think about, but not necessarily to do.” Of course the thing that makes this simulation work is the idea that it’s hot to serve or please your partner, if you are not enthusiastic about that, don’t consent to simulating an act that scares or squicks you.
Communication: Asking for what you want
Know what you want. Ask for it. Fortune favors the bold. Know what you don’t want. Make your hard boundaries known before a sexual encounter. If you don’t have the ability to ask for what you want sexually, you probably shouldn’t be having sex. When I am sexually submissive, I get extremely quiet to the point where I can’t really make full sentences, so to me it’s very important to make my desires and limits known before a sexual encounter, and make sure that my partner will not deviate from a planned scene or try to negotiate for more during the scene. Just being in subspace (a kind of high on being treated submissively) can often make me willing to give an automatic yes, rather than actually thinking about it. This is where it’s important, if you are topping a person, to make them fully present when you are asking them something important. (If you don’t get quiet during sex, good on you. Your partner will know what feels good to you and what doesn’t from what you say and the sounds you make. Both ways are fine, but being vocal makes it much easier on your partner.) Make a joke, change the music, give them something to get out of their head if you need them to make a real decision. Likewise, don’t ask them important, consent-giving questions when they are coming down from a scene in aftercare. Be aware when you are getting automatic consent, rather than enthusiastic consent. You always have the ability to stop things and safeword out if you need to.
Inhibitions can be good
Don’t drink and screw. Inhibitions keep us from doing things we are going to feel bad about later. So if you want to escape future guilt, avoid having sex while under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Just wait it out until the effects have passed. Make it a personal principle to say “no” when under the influence. Likewise, don’t screw drunk people, they are going to be uncoordinated and off their game. You deserve the best sex a partner can give you so wait until they are sober. If you can’t have sex unless you are on something, you should see a doctor. In a scenario where you are sober, and your inhibitions are in the way of you having great sex, make sure they are personal misgivings rather than cultural or social ones. Thinking, “I shouldn’t do this, my roommate might think I’m a slut tomorrow when she sees me in the same clothes” isn’t really a valid reason not to have sex while thinking, ”I’m not going to have respect for myself tomorrow if I do this” is a valid one.
Relax and Have Fun
Ok, so have you gone through the checklist?
If you know the answers to these questions, it’s way easier to make a good decision about having sex. When you feel good about that decision you can relax, have fun, and enjoy your orgasm. You can also use this a guideline to evaluate past encounters and learn how to make future ones more enthusiastically consensual.
Have Fun and Happy Screwing,
-Angelica
Angelica Temoche is a well rounded artist, graphic designer and printmaker that strongly believes in being sex-positive and promoting self love. Check out her website Spiralred.com
* Note from the Editor: As Angelica and I found out, some people have heard of using plastic cling wrap (Such as Saran Wrap) to serve as a dental dams but this is really outdated information that could cause more harm than good. It can prevent passage of herpes simplex but not other STDs and it’s only for non-microwavable cling wrap. Here’s a really good explaination of where the idea came from and why you shouldn’t do it today. What’s a good alternative to getting dental dams? Here’s this handy guide on how to make one out of a male condom. – BW
There are those who have relationships that are on life support or total corpses and these folks wanna use stones, herbs and/or candles to bring the relationship back to life. Boy, are these folks the depressive sort.
The thing about relationships and magick is that, although magick is boundless and there is no such thing as impossible, it shouldn’t be used to provide a dying relationship CPR. If mundane actions such as communicating or interacting with each other in an equal manner couldn’t save the relationship, I highly doubt rocks and candles would.
Think about it, magick is to provide help with life, not live it for you. If a person has to rely on stones that help fidelity, candles that increase passion or herbs that creates irresistibility to keep a relationship alive or going, it’s time to consider pulling the plug. A relationship should be of two people who actually care and enjoy each other’s friendship to the point they feel romantic emotions. The love should be from deep down inside, not based on anything superficial. To be looking towards magick does say that one person at least wants the relationship to go well but also telling that there are some deep cracks in the relationship that’s probably going to ultimately kill it if not actually identified. Instead of working on clearing up the symptoms, work on the illness. And this is to say nothing of the fact that these metaphysical works do have to be recharged to keep going, they’re not permanent.
In my experience, when asking the inquirers about their relationships and why they are looking for whatever it is that they are, it really does seems like there are deeper problems that no bell, book or candle could solve on its own. If there’s no solving the problem that is starting all the issues, there’s no point. Assuming there is an issue and not a bad case of paranoia.
There are folks who are simply not cut out for relationships because they have so many issues with themselves that bleed into their interactions. They don’t trust others, they believe every negative stereotype about the gender they date, haven’t truly healed from past hurts, there’s a variety of reasons why these folks should take a break from relationships but they don’t. Instead they rather buy all these things that won’t help the relationship because it can’t help the person having the messed up ideas. If a person is forever suspicious of their significant other cheating despite the significant other not doing anything suspicious nor has a background in being unfaithful, there’s no magick in the world that could help the relationship and keep it afloat because the problem is not the relationship but one of the people in the relationship. It may seem easier to buy a candle and ask it to provide emotional security in the relationship but, trust, it’s a lot better to talk to the significant other and make sure everyone is on the same page.
Then there’s the fact that some do not understand – or want to understand – that the problem could be with them or the type of people they prefer to date. If a person consistently dates the cheating type, the problem isn’t necessarily the person they date (although, anyone who is a cheating type is certainly problematic), it’s them themselves because it’s their choice to get involved with such a person. This person, instead of looking within themselves and going “Hm, why do I keep going for these types?” would rather be stalking around a metaphysical shop trying to find black salt, various stones, candles, whatever to thwart any possible sneaking about their lover could be doing. And it’s a real doozy if they finally found one who actually is faithful because this person will have it so deep in their head that all wo/men cheat and thus that significant other will be treated the same. This person (and note I never called them a “witch” or anything that signifies dedicated metaphysical practice because usually it’s not a Witch but a dabbler) will probably never get it through their head that magick will not solve the problem. If anything, it may even exacerbate the drama and ultimate death of it.
As I have mentioned earlier, I have had the experience of talking to these folks as they stood there sifting through whatever 7 day candle looks most ominous and as I tried to be the voice of reason. If it’s for suspicions of cheating, I would ask, “Are you sure?”, “If you’re sure that this is a constant problem, why stay?”, “Have you guys had a sit-down discussion, do you really think magick is needed?” If it’s for lack of communication, I would ask “Does s/he know how you feel about this?”, “Have you guys actually talked? As in, you both are being totally honest, being blunt and all?”, “You are aware that this is a bag of rocks and not an automatic truth serum you’re buying, right?” When it’s dealing with a person who has a money drain lover, it’s “Okay, have you thought about separate accounts so they can drain themselves and you don’t bail them out? They can’t play Wall St. forever”, “If this person is bad with money, have you told them?”, “These money spells you wanna cast won’t work if there’s a hole in the cup of fortune and it’s going to take more than magick to make someone decent with finances. Have you thought of dragging them to a finance seminar? The library has free programs.” No matter what, they are pretty much never deterred. They believe that magick is the silver bullet to their relationship when it really isn’t. Instead, these are problems where the person should think if it’s worth keeping their significant other around or not.
Now, all this is different from mutual rituals that are declarations and confirmations of love. Those can also involve herbs, stones and candles that symbolizes strengthened love, increased passion and things of that nature but they’re used as a supplement instead of as the defibrillator. There’s nothing wrong to have stones, herbs or candles that symbolize happiness and good fortune on the relationship, that’s what marriages are essentially, but the issue here is that these materials are not often used in this fashion.
The most outstanding problem of all this, once everything else is stripped away, is that it impinges on controlling others through magick, always a bad idea. These folks are not trying to really help the relationship through magick but fix it to their liking. It should be simple, if you don’t like the person you’re dating or they’re doing a deal-breaker, the relationship should come to a halt. No one is perfect, that’s fact, but no one should put up with dating people they don’t like either. Of course, it’s never that easy in every relationship but things shouldn’t get so bad that magick is sought out to help the problem. This is a spot where magick should not be needed because it’s a mundane issue. Everyone has relationship hiccups and no one has to practice the occult to remedy them, anyone who thinks that clearly should stay away from dating (and the occult) as a whole.
It’s important to use as little magick (to none at all) in the basic runnings of a relationship. A relationship should have intrinsic value, it should mean something sincere to the people in it. That can’t be faked through magick and if magick was used to make love happen where there isn’t, it could definitely produce a lot of problems from creating an obsessive love to a forever tumultuous relationship that’s hard to leave. It’s just too easy to complicate things with magick, especially a relationship.
Besides, if the significant other is this much of a problem, don’t use magick to change them, just dump the fool already.
Firstly, I wanna start off with saying that starting today, I would like to try a contest that will stretch through next Friday, April 13. It’s a literary contest to celebrate the fact that it is Poetry Literature Month. That means I would like for you readers to send in your poetic works, it can be text or it can be on video. The winner will be featured on this month’s The Arts! So get them in! You can submit them through twitter, the Black Witch fan page or email. Check the About Me/Contact Me page for contact info.
Secondly, I’m planning a first ever BW Meet and Greet for June 9th. It will be in Baltimore, my hometown, so keep your eyes peeled for details. Onward with the column.
Sex and sexuality in Paganism is pretty opposite from Christianity. Christianity in general is known for being a sex-negative religion, meaning that it paints a pretty negative picture on sex and sexuality such as regarding sex as something carnal and animal-like, taking away from the pureness of the spirit, and that sex should only be done after marriage and even then only to be makin’ babies (insert your Gingrich jokes here). Then there’s the idea that contraception gets in the way of God’s choice to decide if you’re going to have kiddos boppin around or not. Ooh, and that since sex is only to have kids, there must only be vaginal sex, everything else is sinful. And it has to be between two people of the opposite sex, no more and definitely no less and ab-so-lute-ly betta ever evvvvvvva never be between two people of the same sex. Apparently that’s like binking your toaster or pet dog [insert your Santorum joke here (like I just did, hehehe)]. Men should only want it, women should have zero drive (it would be sinful if they did) and everyone should be abstinent until their wedding day or someone’s gonna get a lot of shaming going on. And don’t even think about it either, that’s also sinful.
Paganism in general is pretty sex-positive. In that sex is seen as part of nature and that it’s natural to have sexual drive and desire. We have at least two holidays for it on the Wheel of the Year, Beltane and Ostara (Spring Equinox). We’re pretty open to contraception, the first use of contraception was used in Mesopotamia and early Egypt – Egyptians invented the first condom, actually. Sexuality is seen as natural so if you’re heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, demisexual, pansexual, etc etc etc, it is what it is – as long as it is consensual and everyone is on the same page. Whatever you do in bed is your business. What you fantasize or view or experience is also your own business – as long as you can keep it under control, know how to separate what goes on in your head versus what goes on in the real world and how not to go overboard/become a creeper about it. There’s more emphasis on responsibility than guilt here. And more cultural choices for women to express themselves without as much slut-shaming that occurs frequently in Christianity. For those who don’t know that term, it will be explained later on, just follow me for now.
Now some parts of Christianity isn’t wack, such as waiting (abstinence) and wanting to have a fair foundation ready before having kids. I agree with those. Sheesh, even Pagan parents are kinda going “Maybe you should wait. Like, waaaaaait.” But instead of Pagan parents simply telling their youngin’s to wait for their wedding day, they’re more likely to tell them to wait when they’re ready and responsible enough to handle all the responsibilities that could come out of it (*koff*pregnaciesstd*koff*)…and perhaps with a side lean of “when you’re out my house and old enough to afford a house” slipped in. Pagan parents may be more open-minded but that doesn’t – and shouldn’t – stop them from being parents.
Now we got that snippet out of the way. Back to the slut-shaming and suches.
Slut-shaming is pretty much condemning women for what they wear, things they do/say/act and if they are not ashamed of expressing themselves outside the constricting gender role for women as usually defined by culturally Christian standards, maybe by having casual sex or don’t mind watching pornography. For example, say a woman walks down the street in short-shorts and a halter top. Slut-shaming is to shun her if she tries to speak her mind (though she may have a Ph. D., probably personally turned down a position from Obama himself just to work with United Nations and is most likely going to secure a Nobel Prize or two before she hits 60) because of the assumption that since she’s not dressed like a “smart-looking woman” or in any way that would deny desire from men, she must be nothing more than a whore or easy since she’s “showing her goods”. It would be “okay” to call this chick with the Ph.D. a “slut”, regardless of whether she does or does not have sex, or even to call her stupid because she’s not dressing like she’s about to teach a class. It would be “okay” to touch her even though she doesn’t want the attention and most definitely does not want to be grabbed nor objectified. And if you raped her, society is expected not to blame the guy who wanted her – also known by legal documents as “the rapist” – but her because she was “asking for it” by wearing the clothes she wore.
Yep. Chick with the Ph.D. apparently deserves to be slapped, shouted at, grabbed and sexually assaulted because she wanted to wear her favorite pair of shorts and top,* just like Trayvon Martin totally wanted to get stalked and gunned down because he decided to get Skittles and rock a hoodie while Black. Ugh, I swear, when will people stop bringing things like rape and murder upon themselves? Sheesh, it’s not like guys can control their groins and glocks and such over clothes.
Yah, sounds stupid, huh?
That’s slut-shaming, it’s part of rape culture, which is a different column/post. Paganism does have its douchebags but because the religion has so much based on matriarchy and is pretty women-friendly – we’re best known as “Goddess-based” religions, remember – there’s less slut-shaming and quite more gender equality here. Although sometimes guys feel left out because sometimes the male counterpart of the religion can be seen as diminutive in comparison to the female part of the religion but trust me, we’re pretty balanced for the most part.
Sex in Paganism isn’t all orgies and stuff like that. To be honest, I have absolutely no idea how that stereotype came to be but I have the idea that within the Christian framing of mind, anyone who wasn’t going by their way of sex rules were probably considered raging nymphos because usually the opposite of chaste virginity, as taught in Christianity, is sinful, lustful and very taboo sex sex sex. So with this framing/perspective, something as vanilla and mainstream as basic spanking can seem like it’s a banner of kinkiness and the person remarking upon this can sound like they’re 12. Now does Paganism shun sex with multiple partners at once? Not really, we’re not Christianity. I think the Pagan perspective on sex is kinda the three S’s:
– Be Smart
– Be Safe
– Don’t be Stupid
To break it down:
Be Smart: Learn about contraception, debunk as many myths on sex and genitalia as you humanly can, learn about STDs, figure out your stance on the abortion debate and kids for yourself (do you want kids? Would you or your girlfriend/wife/whatever be comfortable with having an abortion if a slip up occurred?), learn about condoms and lubricant, learn about consent, learn about what safe sex is, learn about yourself and what you prefer sexually, know your limits and respect them, learn about Plan B. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and know that there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin if you want to be one and know that having sex does not make you an adult nor does watching a lot of pornos make you an expert on sex. Read Dan Savage, listen to Loveline, write to Demetria. Just be informed.
Be Safe: Consent is your friend. No one wants to start off the night having fun and finish the week trying to explain to the cops how you didn’t rape him/her, it wasn’t like that at all, officer. Get tested. Try to stay away from risky sex choices which could lead to unwanted pregnancy or STDs such as doing it while under the influence of anything or with unstable people. Use condoms and always have a backup plan in case that breaks and remember, consent is your friend. All sides should be willing, not one coercing the other into whatever sex act is about to take place. And “stop” means “stop”, or whatever safe word is established to play the role of “stop”.
Don’t be Stupid: No coercing anyone. It is not a must if you’re Pagan to have sex. Not at all. You can be a virgin all your life, it’s not a bad thing. You could wait ‘til marriage and no one should have a bone to pick with you. You could have casual sex and that’s not a problem. You could be strictly monogamous and no one should care. You could just plain wait and that’s okay. Anyone who tells you different most likely does not have the best intentions for you or simply bought into the same nonsense that you must have sex to become a whole person/have wisdom. If wise Sages came from boning, most of the perils of the world wouldn’t exist. You don’t have to perform the Great Rite with anyone, it’s not necessary for ritual. If you’re uncomfortable, leave. If everyone is not on the same page, get everyone there or just say, “Eh, rather not.” Don’t treat people like they’re walking sex objects, fleshlights and dildos have been invented for a reason. Don’t believe sex myths (“You’re not going to get pregnant only through anal sex”, “if it isn’t vaginal, it isn’t sex”, “If he pulls out, she won’t get pregnant”, “Can’t get STDs from oral sex”, “Can’t get pregnant during your period”) and don’t pressure anyone into sex. You could say hi to them, be nice to them, even shove them out of the way of a train or go back in time and rescue them from the World Trade Center Spiderman style and guess what? They do not owe you sex. At all. Ever. Kindness doesn’t work that way.
Sex in Paganism is about responsibility. We don’t have a Devil or any other absolute evil to dump blame on. And I mean honest responsibility, as in, if you’re not ready, don’t do it. Not “Sweet, a religion that will let me have tons and tons of sex!” Newp. You still have to act like a reasonable person, preferably treat people (both genders) like human beings and deal with rejections, missed chances, wack communication and more stuff that comes with being human. And since Paganism tends to have some feminism injected in it, that means we frown on rape culture and objectification a little bit more than the major three. A person is their own being. If they want to wear a halter top or show off their pecs, then that’s it. It doesn’t mean, “Come here and grope me or cat call me”. It just means someone has high self-esteem and pride in their body. And since we’re more welcoming to homosexuality and bisexuality than Christianity in comparison, that also means the person who might hit on you just might be the same sex, even if you’re not the same sexuality so if you have some outdated gender perceptions, prepare to get brought up to speed. Everyone is responsible for themselves and what they do to others, pretty much. Does this make Paganism the perfect religion? Heck no. We have some serious short comings ourselves but in comparison to the norm, we do have some progressive streaks going.
* – I would have written “While female” to parallel “While Black” but you can be female while Black (I am) so it would have been a bit redundant and I prolly would have gone off a tangent about intersectionality, street harassment and rape culture. Another topic for another time.
Black Witch 