Category: Relationships and Dating


A Friend in Need

Filed under: Pagan Life, Relationships and Dating, Spells & Potions — 3 Comments
February 10, 2012

Being a Witch can be buckets of fun. You got magick, you got faeries jacking your house keys at random times (or that’s just me), nothing can get in your way – you’re a Witch! But what about when your hands are morally tied?

As a witch, you can do anything you want – as long as it does not infringe on the free will of others and if you do spellwork for others, you have to ask first. This can create a problem because what if the person you want to work magick for may be squicked out by the prospect of magick, think you’ll “mistakenly” hex them, or plain think that magick is a notion thought by crazy people?

What about if you just want to make it better?

An example:

More than once I have had a friend who is really cool and nice and wouldn’t hurt anyone (or wouldn’t hurt people who didn’t deserve it) but life still delivers a rippling body slam of problems such as health issues, financial problems, storm after storm of problems that never seem to go away but roll up one after another. And it sucks just seeing them either pretend everything is fine or become stressed from the pressure. It just seems so unfair all the crap they’re getting and all the wrong they’re not doing to deserve such short straws.

Surely it would seem simple to the average person what the solution would be: Just cast whatever appropriate spell and poof, problem gone, everyone is happy and teddy bears are dancing in the street with matching marching band, ticker tape and flag dancers in tow. Nope. Some issues are likely to arise in magick:

– You did what?: The response to witchery varies from person to person and they vary especially when someone finds out they were the subject of a spell. You could mean well but here’s how they see it: Someone just casted a spell on them. One reason why magick is seen as bad is because it is commonly associated with being shrouded in secrecy and being hidden, something that doesn’t exactly breed trust in people. Even my Witch friends would like some forewarning, especially if they attempt to cast something themselves and it clashes.

– Can’t Always Be Superman: Hey, even Superman has had things slip through his fingers, can’t save everyone. It hurts but it’s true. And it hurts more when you think, “Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten involved”, “Was it me?” It’s natural to want to help and save your friends but be smart, it may take more than one whisk of a wand and some clever wording to save the day.  

– Misery Loves Company/Quicksand Dilemma: The issue about caring too much and wanting to help everyone who looks like they don’t deserve the pain they’ve got is that sooner or later, you’re no longer a side participant but now thoroughly wound up in the same situation. It’s like spending so much time trying to pull someone out of a hole that you lose footing and wind up falling in yourself.

– Bad to Worse in 60 Seconds: There are several sides to a situation – There’s what your friend knows, what your friend told you, what you know (totaling friend’s personality, type of situation, the supposed worst case scenario, etc.) what your friend didn’t tell you, what they didn’t know about the situation and every possible side to the situation. Magick could help but it can also backfire and with missing consent, it could backfire badly.  I’ve been there, the clean-up is not pretty.

Yep, rely on the human experience to complicate matters. So what is there to do? The smart move varies. Certainly I don’t suggest the Silver Ravenwolf method where she says you ask them if you could “pray” for them and take that as a yes for spellwork – people think very differently of prayer and spellwork, even if the concepts are strikingly similar. I think that if you can’t work up the guts to ask them for whatever reason, make the safe bet and don’t do it. If you feel strongly about it and don’t want to sit on your hands, at least do some divination for guidance on what to do. Some people are not for that and would not like that suggestion I made but guess what? Life is not so cut and dry like that. You can’t make everyone stand to the side as they watch life kicking the crap out of someone they care about, it’s simply not fair and not natural. And at least with divination, you know what’s going to happen down the line so even if it say ”No”, there’s usually a story of why and results.

A good suggestion if you go with such spellwork is to use spells that have more of a guiding impact rather than try to make direct change. If the issues are money problems, try to cast something that open up opportunities for improved finances and to make sure they’re not touched by the financial difficulty at hand and to make those difficulties clearer so to be more solvable.  If the issue is with people, then make sure that you cast a protection spell. You could cast a binding spell but you might wind up binding the wrong person – or you could cast a “sticky binding” spell which binds only the people who try to make the situation worse or are trying to keep the drama flowing. As long as the person is not trying to make things worse or is actually trying to help the situation, or are just plain neutral, the binding won’t stick to them. Just go with protection and things of the like, don’t try to solve the problem for them, just aid.

Then there are times when your hands are just plain tied. There, you try to help out the best you can without magick. Give them information, be a soundboard, give ideas and try to help out however you can. But remember, not every problem you come across is your problem.

Next week is The Arts! Who’s being featured:

– Sut Jhally, “Why America Can’t Think Straight about Race (Even With a Black President)”
– The 10th Hour
– The Witch and the Babe

And remember, March is coming up, that means new series titled “Comin’ Straight Outta Yo’ Monolith”

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Ask Black Witch

Filed under: Ask Black Witch, Divination, Relationships and Dating, Resources & Information — 2 Comments
November 25, 2011

Ok so I know that on everything I’ve it says not to do a spell to influence another person’s thoughts or actions but how do I get my ex back for good I’ve been in a lot of pain and I want to just get her back I know about the karma thing but I’ve never done anything with black magic before so I wanna learn how it works to thanks for the help

– Landon D.

Before I continue, let’s see if this can put a stopper to potential future questions such as this: if you check my “About Me/Contact Me” page, you’ll learn that I’m called Black Witch because I’m an African-American person who practices Witchcraft, not that I jinx or whatever. So anyone who want to ask me such a question, just keeeeep truckin’. Or just be yourself, that’s probably jinx enough for anyone who have to interact with you. And if it’s for dating, just buy a Bruno Mars album and shrink into the darkness.

Alright, Landon, you’ve got the basic very correct: you shouldn’t influence another person. That means no matter what. You’re scorned over your ex, join the club. The mundane version of getting back at her would be to harass her all the time, at home, at work, at play. That’s illegal. And a douchebag move.

Black magick works in that you’re adding bad energy (sounds new agey, yeah, but it is what it is) into a person’s life to deliberately cause harm. A mundane comparison: Cutting someone brakes (intent to harm) versus not telling them anything and their brakes break (karmic). Then there’s the karmic retribution on you. It is sometimes declared as threefold, some say tenfold, I just say whatever it is you’re going to do, it won’t be worth it for what you’ll get back.

If you’re in a lot of pain, you’re no different from anyone else suffering from a broken heart. Most pop songs wouldn’t be on the radio if the singer didn’t whine about how bad they’ve got the she-left-me blues. It’s a part of life and you can’t get pissed simply because things didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to. When in a relationship, you do run a risk of getting hurt emotionally. It’s not fair and certainly isn’t fun, I can tell you that first-hand, but acting out on your grudge isn’t smart. Here’s why:

– You seriously think this is going to be the only time?: Relationships can suck, given if you keep dating the wrong people (which, I’ve noticed, plenty do). What if you get hurt again? Are you going to jinx the new chick too? Then you aren’t going to learn anything because it’s not like you’re perfect either. You’ll probably grow misogynist (“God, women are such gold-digging cunts. They’re so shady and freakin’ tricky.”) because instead of learning from your mistakes and dating better picks, you’re just going to rub salt into your own wound thinking that you’re dealing fair retribution. Not easy but you’re going to have to deal and find someone better.

– For good?: If your ex is such a terrible person, she’s going to meet her match. Either in the form of a wife-beater, terrible friends, people seeing straight through her or the worst of them all, the male version of her. It burns not to do anything but it’s better than potentially growing obsessed over a bad relationship.

– Relationships aren’t perfect: They’re not. Dan Savage wouldn’t have a job otherwise and love spells would be pretty pointless. Here’s the thing, you’re not perfect – I’m sure if I asked the ex, she probably can list some of your faults just as well as you can list hers – and the girls you’re going to date aren’t perfect. Nobody is perfect. Perfect relationships don’t exist because there are no perfect people. There are people perfect for each other but that doesn’t mean the relationship itself or the people in them will be perfect. There are high times, low times and times you wonder why you’re dating the person that you’re with. That means break-ups and barking up the wrong tree occasionally. They suck, they’re embarrassing as all get out and they promise Kleenex will never go out of business. The only safe route is to either imagine you’re in a relationship with a cartoon character, stay out of relationships or to be more careful dating by getting to know the girl longer and/or stating (and knowing) your deal breakers.

You’re not going to like the advice but move on. Seriously, move on. Take some time to get over the relationship, perhaps a few months or more depending on how long you dated. I didn’t like the advice when I got it but it’s the most that you can actually do to help yourself. Being vengeful feels good but nothing poignant is going to come out of it and you probably still won’t learn a single thing. And I mean learning something useful, such as “I don’t like when the girl I’m dating does this because of that” and so on. That’s actually useful, not hexing someone for breaking your heart.

I’m back with more questions. XD
 
The first few involve dreams. I’ve noticed that I can foresee events in my dreams; if it’s a planned event the specifics are more clear. Thinking back this has definitely happened before, but I haven’t really taken notice until I got interested in magick and I also haven’t really remembered my dreams. However, it’s been happening more often once I got a necklace with my zodiac sign (Cancer) and a faux opal.
 
~Is it possible that the necklace has something to do with the increase? It’s just a simple necklace from Avon.
 
~I plan on getting a dream journal to write down my dreams before I forget, but is there anything that would help me remember my dreams more?
 
The next question is about pendulums: how exactly do they work and how would they be used?
 
The last question is actually a Lolita question: What is your stance on replicas? There’s a lot of debate on them thanks to Dream of Lolita and I’d like to see a lot of opinions on them.
 
Thanks again!

– Bertina

I don’t mind getting repeat readers asking me questions, I quite like it. Means I’m not messing up. So long the questions remain good, I’m happy.

Precognition, I think almost everyone experiences it. It does increase with magick use because of the fact that you’re opening up your intuition more. Your necklace can aid in that because it provides a visual representation to keep your intuition up. Think of how people have pictures or statuettes of Jesus with them, totally not needed in that Christ isn’t physically in the picture and is not the statuette itself but a visual reminder. The necklace works the same for its own purpose.

When I write down my dreams, I keep the lights off, eyes closed and scribble in my dream journal in (which is nearby, or my BOS, whichever I remember is closer). You forget, I believe, 90% of your dream in a few hours and a pretty big amount within the first 10 minutes. Writing the dream down right after I wake up works for me and I’ve heard it is the best method. Don’t worry about lines running into each other or misspelled words, just write it down and review it later in the day.

Pendulums, very pretty and can be pretty annoying when not used correctly. Pendulums have two uses: answer yes/no questions and to find stuff. When using it as a divinatory device (to answer yes/no questions) you work with the pendulum to either with or without a yes/no/maybe sheet to see how it responds to questions on its own or “program” it to respond to yes or no as you desire. Protip: You have to be verrrrry still or wind up swaying the pendulum so lay your arm down somewhere if you worry this will be a problem. I find pendulums can be problematic because some questions need more than a yes or a no and if it’s for a question you desire a particular answer for, you may sway the pendulum. I know I have – oh, and if you’re practicing psionics (i.e. psychokinesis) then skip out on this divination form, you will affect the result. It is more useful, in my experience, to find lost stuff. I would ask my pendulum (I have several, including one that I think hated me) to swing in the direction of my lost object, saaaay, my glasses. I tell it to go in a circle (or become still) once in the general area and the stronger it responds, the closer I am. Again, be steady. It takes a bit of meditation and work with the pendulum enable to reduce the chance of false positives. The pendulums work by connecting with the collective unconscious of the universe and refined via intent either for an answer or to find something. Or if it hates you, like one of mine did, it’ll just steer you directly into trouble or screw with the answers even if you were as still as stone.

My stance on replicas – for readers who are not aware, replicas are dresses in the Lolita fashion that are replicated designs or prints of popular and expensive dresses in the fashion – is that I think they are useful gap fillers within the fashion. Not everyone is after a name; some like a dress because it is pretty, not because it screams “I have brand”. Some simply cannot fit the small size range of Lolita dresses. For example, I would need a replica of the Carnival Cards dress by Angelic Pretty because A) the color I want it in is sold out and B) I couldn’t fit it even if I could buy it. Since Lolita dresses constrict themselves into such a narrow size range, I don’t look down on replicas and they make some dresses more affordable. Also, there’s the issue with a lot of brand dresses getting ruined from simply coming in contact with water, which the replicas may not do. I know I have only gotten one replica dress, a black Sugary Carnival dress from Dream of Lolita, that has this problem. I hate it because there are mistakes, the fabric is terrible and it faded fast through washing. But it cost almost 1/5th the price of the original dress, which cost about $600, can rocket up to $800 secondhand. A person just has to look around for reputable replica makers such as Oo Jia. I would say look hard at reviews before committing to buy because while a replica dress may be cheaper than the original, it is not cheap by any definition as a whole.

I am getting older by the day, and because of this fact, I am wondering if I will ever find true love where there is passion on both sides and ultimately have a baby or two?
 
I have been meeting too many men who are just not my type or I am not there’s. Whatever the case may be, I am extremely tired of looking. Can you shed some truthful light on me and let me know if love and a family is something that is meant for me to experience or not. Is there a spell to improve my situation? I need to know.
 
Thanks!

– Cali

The subject of true love is a tricky one. I’ve tried to do a true love spread but it became a can of worms over the course of two years for me so I don’t do them anymore. I certainly don’t suggest spellwork because it will be more trouble than it’s worth.

Now, do you see a loving and passionate relationship as little arguing, the guy is just knows your needs or can read your body language like a book, things like that? Or do you see a loving and passionate relationship as something that’s going to have back and forth along with the happy times, you’re going to get on his nerves sometimes, he’s going to get on your nerves sometimes, you both are interacting with each other as people and as friends, etc etc etc? If you see it as the former, you’ll always be unhappy. The latter? You’re off to a good start but still that doesn’t promise marriage and the baby carriage.

Let’s define “true love”: True love, in reference to a person, does not mean they will be perfect in every single way, let’s get that out the way. No one is perfect. Not you, not the President, not the person who collects your bills, not your best friend, no one on this earth is perfect. Everyone is imperfect, has flaws, quirks and issues of varying shades and ranges. There are people who are perfect for one another (for example: your best friend is perfect for you, even if she or he gets on your last nerve sometimes) and that’s what you should look for. Look for friendship, not relationship, from the start. A true love is just a deeply and romantically loved friend that helps you grow, you help them grow and each of you bring something wonderful into the relationship.

I understand the problem that you have, I get the same issue but maybe you should try this: Don’t look. I understand that it can be difficult but it’s advice I get constantly and I hear from a lot of happy couples – they weren’t looking when they found each other. I can’t tell you if you’re going to have the happy family and loving relationship that we all want and I don’t generally do spreads or suggest spells for Ask Black Witch questions. Besides, even if I did, what help would it do? It wouldn’t say, “hey, you’re going to meet him tomorrow” and it won’t provide enough details for you to fully be satisfied. What if you learn you would meet this guy thirty years from now? It would just make you go mad. Just meet guys as you would want to make friends with so you can get to know him, he can get to know you, etc etc etc. There’s no spell I could give you, short of treading on free will, that would make you happy. You just have to let it come to you. You’re not going to like it (I sure as hell don’t, I’d gun down cupid with a scud missile if I could) but you’re going to have to just live your life, continue to improve your life so you’ll be happy – which is attractive, mind you – and meeting people normally.

Instead of waiting, improve yourself for yourself. Become happy of who you are, your accomplishments and etc etc. In focusing on yourself, you won’t be so stone-fast into getting a boyfriend (and ultimately husband and father) toute de suite and that means more opportunities can open up. Anyone, guy or girl, can be super easily turned off by the aura of “Can we date? Plz?” because it comes off as subconscious desperation and can make them feel trapped and suffocated, hence cause for bolting. Can’t force someone to love you nor do you want to coerce them. People like individuality, regardless of gender – and I think you probably would prefer a guy that doesn’t want a woman cling-on dependent (which is extremely different from basic mutual dependency, which is what you – and he – should want because a relationship can’t sail far if there’s no balance)- and it’s great when someone wants you for you and everything that you are. Just remember to improve yourself where you yourself think improvement is needed, enhance yourself for yourself, be happy with yourself, get to know people as people and not potential dating subjects. If it gets to where you like a guy naturally, make sure you have a basic understanding in what you want in a guy. Not surface stuff like money and looks but something that you know you would love to spend the rest of your life with, your deal breakers, etc. It’s not easy doing all this and there’s no promise you’ll die with a ring on your finger and/or a kid to carry on your memory so just live for yourself. It’s really the only thing you can do.

Last month, I had answered an Ask Black Witch about if grimores existed and I responded pretty much with a “Not the olden day kinds”. That was a derp on my part but Nkyinkyin caught my mistake. Here is what she wrote on her blog:

I appreciate many of The Black Witch‘s posts–she fills an important niche in the lives of the young and new, and also puts up with a lot of crap that I freely admit to not having the patience to deal with. I was disappointed with her answer to one of the questions in last month’s Q&A session, though. Someone was asking about the old grimoires and essentially the answer given was that they no longer existed. If that’s the case, then how is it that I have a copy of The Picatrix (the Liber Viridis version) translated by John Michael Greer & Christopher Warnock lying right by my feet now? What about my copy of The Black Dragon and The Enchiridion of Pope Leo III translated and compiled into the The Crossed Keys by Michael Cecchetelli sitting by my right hand? This collection of 50 books on a CD via Twilit Grotto Esoteric Archive, including works by Abramelin, Agrippa, John Dee, and Trithemius? You can check them out for FREE. Hell, even a quick google puts you at the gates of the Internet Sacred Text Archive, where you can also browse any number of famous esoteric and occult works, including The Key of Solomon. Also free, but I’m really sure they’d appreciate donations and purchases of the site on DVD and CDROM right now, just to keep up with the costs of keeping such an immense effort online. Unlike the Grotto, The ISTA is a treasure, a resource that isn’t limited to esoteric texts–you could literally spend the rest of your life browsing that site.

For the “witchier” texts, there’s collections of those too, like the 2 volumes of cds offered by the highly-regarded House of Eleggua‘s Carolina Gonzalez: CD #1 and CD #2. And that’s me just listing what I’m aware of in strictly traditional old school stuff, I’m not even getting into all the physics and history and natural sciences texts out there that I find absolutely necessary if you’re going to practice in the here-and-now and not have a root-bound practice based on and limited by ignorance.

We live in an amazing age, a time wherein pretty much everything anyone can think of has been made accessible to us–things that those old timey (whimey) mages, witches, philosophers, and scholars would have killed to get their hands on. Some of it you’ll find brilliant. Some of you’ll find worthless. Some of it you’ll think of one way at one point and change your mind later. The esoteric stuff is not that hidden anymore; I’ve been able to look up a significant number of titles and personalities on Wikipedia, as they also have a historical context. A lot of the originals of the old works are now public domain, and the stuff that isn’t is not being held hostage by collectors for hundreds and thousands of dollars (but hey, you can get fancy bound versions and classes on how to use them for hundreds and thousands of dollars if you want to do that!). And that’s beside all the individual magician blogs–notes by people that are doing the Work and posting what they’ve discovered.

The tools are out there. What are you gonna do with ’em? Welcome to the new old frontier.

She’s actually right. I had forgotten that while some grimores were destroyed and lost, some were very well recovered. Total derp moment on me but good to know my readers are willing to disagree and correct my mistakes! :3

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Love Potion No.9

Filed under: AfroPunk/The Establishment, Divination, Pagan Life, Relationships and Dating, Spells & Potions — Leave a comment
February 11, 2011

The Establishment (Afro-Punk) Version

Ah, oui, l’amour. Such a wonderful thing love is. Whether you get it from your kitty, your fish, your kids or your loved ones, love is a pretty nice thing. The world would probably be a happier place if the nasty people in it got a hug once in a while (some of them, preferably from a strait jacket). Everyone wants it and works hard to get it: go to the gyms, ask advice columnists what went wrong, wonder what that special gal or guy is like and will they ever meet The One.

Valentine’s Day is a day to show that love or it just stands out as Single Awareness Day where you want to shoot down all the heart shaped balloons, ship Cupid to a war zone and be the Grinch that hates Valentine’s. A lovely – albeit incredibly commercialized – holiday, it’s a day that everyone is a little more dreamy – or miserable.

How do Witches and Pagans celebrate Valentine’s Day? Meh, just like everyone else. Either we’re happy in love or sneering at those who are. While we cherish or suffer, we just get more people asking us if there’s any way they could get a love reading or even spell to see what their luck’s like in the world of hearts and cuddles. Ugh, walking reminders of whether you’re dating or not.

Love readings are sometimes a pain to do but mainly because they have a high chance of opening a can of worms (I learned that the hard way). Everyone, me included, wanna get the details on the who, how, when and where of the one person they are bound to spend the rest of their life with. Divination being such a fickle thing when it comes to love, it can be easy to be unsatisfied with what you get. It may not be the right time to know about who you’re going to end up with, you could wind up missing your chance by avidly looking for it, you may learn that it’s going to be a pretty long ways off before meeting anyone worthwhile. Having a particular idea of what kind of person you want (not always the kind of person that will work well with you) and then learning about your true love can prove vexing.

Before I go on, I would like to clarify that I believe true love is different from soul mate. A true love is someone who you are bound to spend your life with as a love partner for the rest of your life that you live and grow with in sync whereas a soul mate is just that, a mate for your soul to advance itself. That can be anything from a stray cat to the one co-worker that seems to always get you to the best friend you have.  Since I believe in reincarnation (a lot of Pagans believe in reincarnation but not all do), I believe that a true love is constant throughout the lives you live but it’s not a promise that you’ll meet them in every life because not every life has the goal or room for the pursuit of true love. Plus, it may not be right or the perfect time for them themselves to meet you.

Continuing on, I used to do this reading I would call the “true love” spread. In reality it was not one spread but a series and I used to do them for anyone that would ask. I didn’t really think much of it because, hey, everyone wants to know when that special someone is coming, why not? Yeah there was the chance that the person could find out that there’s no one for them this life but, hey, they asked. I have faith that my divination is pretty on point (I’m very rarely wrong) so I didn’t see much wrong with it. I would do a yes/no spread just to get it out of the way, a signification  spread to find out what kind of person the guy or girl will be and then a spread for the timing.

Y’know, it seemed not so bad at first – until people got really antsy about these readings. You see, when I first started doing divination for others, I thought that I would get a plethora of divination requests from jobs to life to love to general questions. I would set up my tarot spread request page on Mystic Wicks and wait for the diverse requests to come sliding in. What did I get? A bunch of love spread requests. Does so-and-so like me? Should I stay with this one guy who totally doesn’t make me happy but buys me lots of stuff? Will this random guy I keep seeing in the gym and I have a future together though I haven’t even said hi to him yet? All these love spread requests and they were my least favorite requests because I’m not really super lovey dovey and some, if not a lot, of the questions were a bit no-brainers. I guess I fell into creating my own love spread series because I wanted to kinda shut these people up in the first round if I needed it. I would of course do the spread they asked (I have a series of questions to ask when I do spreads just to get most of the trouble out of the way first) but if they would press on, hey! Why not do the true love spread! I would get it out the way and the end result would be a happy (or unhappy) person. I was in my late teens and impatience is a visible personality trait of mine so that didn’t bug me in the least bit. I didn’t do it super often though, plenty people were happy with the readings they got, not often did I need to go further. The True Love spread mainly came from trial and error instead of a perfectly polished product from the start.

The problem with love readings (spells and pretty much anything to do with matters of the heart ) is that people are very fixed on finding The One and have pretty idealistic views about who that person is supposed to be. If it isn’t what they imagined, something must be amiss or if there isn’t one at all, someone is not happy because let’s face it, everyone wants to be loved by someone. That means if they know someone who can give them the details (or close enough details), the requester sticks to the diviner like glue. That’s no fun. Consistent contacts, asking for a new reading every few days or couple of weeks, etc etc. That’s one reason why I don’t do True Love Spreads anymore, I like my breathing room and my inbox not flooding full with people who think I’m a genie or something.

Then I got kicked in the derriere myself with these readings. I always said I would never want one or get one but I guess I got wrapped up in doing so many love readings, I thought I should do one myself. Extremely long story very short, that was a total doozy and an experience I never want to relive. Like I said, I was impatient so I made all the mistakes that folks who asked me for love readings made: did my cards over and over again, wonder way too much what kind of guy my true love would be, where would I meet him and when. It got me into a lot of trouble, embarrassment, agony and serious heartache stretched over a few years that I really could have avoided. It was a Pandora’s Box – one of the biggest reasons of all why I don’t do the readings anymore. I got to sit in the recipient’s seat and saw it really was a nasty piece of work to be thrown in.

As for spells – if readings were tricky, spells certainly are. They’re one of the few kinds of spells that get a solid “Don’t Do It” from practically everyone in the Witch and Pagan community. No one minds spells casted for self-love or to heal from a break-up, not many find issue with casting a spell just to get a nice date for Saturday night but just about every Witch, Pagan and Wiccan I have met are staunchly against the stereotypical “make him/her come back to me” love spells. Why? It plants itself firmly in the field of manipulation, a big no-no regardless who you talk to.

Any Witch with sense wouldn’t do so but the average person doesn’t always see the harm. I just had to talk to someone who wanted to cast a spell to bring their ex-boyfriend back. There’s even a search term someone used to find my blog “I want a spiritual witch doctor to bring back my ex-boyfriend.” I believe I joked on Twitter in response, “Bring back an ex-boyfriend from the dead or bring him back into a dead relationship?” because while I understand how grave it must be to the inquirer, it’s a little silly and concerning to me. The reason being is that if the relationship is dead, it’s dead. There’s always a possibly for a relationship to bounce back but not for everyone. To cast a spell to make a lover come back even if they don’t want to and much rather move on is the exact equivalent of being an controlling spouse that will physically, emotionally and/or psychologically bar someone from leaving the relationship, no matter how much that tired partner wants to. A little Witchy rule of thumb: if it’s wrong through mundane means, it’s probably (read: 98%, leaving room for potential exceptions) wrong through magickal means. The same goes for casting spells on people that you like and want to make them love you back. Love has to happen on its own, not when you pretty much zombie someone’s will. That’s not love, that’s really scary.

Love is a beautiful thing but it can just as easily drive someone up and down the wall frustrated with the idea that in a world of six billion plus people, there’s got to be their perfect match out there…right? It sometimes seems like a sporting event for the gods: how many times can you bark up the wrong tree/date the wrong person/have enough broken hearts before you say “Forget it?” and become a spinster or hold out hope as long as you can ’til you find the right one who will make your heart sing – and for how long? It isn’t fair and no one is really alone in the matter, the idea of finding true love is a timeless topic. If only there was simply one database that everyone in the world could subscribe themselves to and find eternal matches that way, maybe lots of people would be happier. Finding love is important but what I think is often lost is the idea that the perfect person should be perfect for you and your quirks and shortcomings. Someone to grow and consistently modify yourself with and vice versa. I believe many forget that relationships are supposed to be balanced somehow and not in the 60/40 or 90/10 or 100/0 or 150/-50 way because that’s not a good relationship but one doomed to fail because both sides can’t grow together and possibly not individually either. No one is perfect so it would be foolish to assume that the perfect person that comes into your life will be too. It just means they’ll be perfect for you: know just the right way to work your nerves to finally clean up after yourself or know exactly how to piss you off in less than a minute over absolutely nothing – but also know how to make you happy and feel like all the time you spent on them is totally worthwhile. Relationships aren’t perfect, just like the people in them. All anyone can do is be honest, meet people, figure out what works versus what doesn’t and hope that someday you may have someone to spend the rest of your life with.

But if you need love that bad, visit your local animal shelter and adopt. You’re not the only one who wants to be loved.

Next week: The Arts! Who will be featuring:
– Savage Love
– Shihan
– Museum of Black Superheroes/Black Comic Book Convention

Don’t forget to send in Ask Black Witch questions! You know how to get them in: email, tweet, fill out the Ask Black Witch submission form, ask on the Black Witch fan page or simply comment.

Now, in case anyone is wondering why I don’t have up any special posts for Black History month, my answer is fairly simple: There’s no need. To explain for those who are probably making a frown or a look of horror, I feel that albeit Black History Month is something indeed important to highlight the multitudes of greatness for the Black race, I don’t believe that the expression of Blackness should ever reside in one month but all year round, Black is forever. I already am Black, I mean – even the column’s name is titled Black Witch, I shouldn’t have to necessarily dig out anything incredibly Black for the month of February when it already has a high likelihood of getting posted up here anyways because of that very fact, this is a Black blog after all. For this very reason, that is why there isn’t a special Black history month column up here on Black Witch. There’s a whole year and the rest of time to dedicate to the pursuit, successes and tribulations of the worldwide Black race. However, if there is someone special that you, my readers, want me to highlight or even consider, let me know.

There will be a series dedicated to not exactly or not only Black history but also modern day Black culture and society in March 2012 called “Comin’ Straight Outta Your Monolith”. The month-long series will discuss what it is and isn’t to be Black, the narrowness of the Black monolith and mainly the outsides of the Black monolith such as Blacks who are into cybergoth or simply those who do not want to become a stereotype. In addition, there will be a series in September 2011 titled “Black Diamonds and Pearls” which highlights Black girls (and guys) in Lolita fashion. These two are very exciting for me because these series allow me and others (a main feature of my series is that there will be guest writers and other voices besides my own) to examine the different sides of Black culture, Blackness, how do we perceive it, what are the flaws in our current perceptions, how we validate or don’t validate particular ideas of Blackness and what is it truly to be Black. This is why I’m not putting up anything particular for Black history month; we have all year ‘round.

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Why Don’t You Like Me?

Filed under: AfroPunk/The Establishment, Relationships and Dating — 2 Comments
December 3, 2010

The Establishment (AfroPunk) Version

Being Black and Pagan is already difficult but to be Black, Pagan and wanting to date? That’s a multiplex issue in itself.

The problems for Black Pagans that want to date stem from mostly religious and fairly racial grounds. Many people are still fairly ignorant about Paganism, witchcraft and Wicca and will believe that anyone who claims to be a Witch, Pagan or Wiccan is possibly crazy or going to cast a hex around breakup time. The racial issues that tie into the religious issues creates almost the perfect storm in that Blacks are assumed to be Christian (or possibly Muslim), no alternative. Christianity is such a linchpin in the Black mindset, whatever is considered outside of the religion is considered to be an act of sheer blasphemy. Contrary to popular belief, the Black race is a very conservative race, the acceptance of something such as Paganism would come along very slowly. In addition, many Black Pagans are involved in alternative culture, where there is already a profound lack of Black faces and hence a smaller chance of potential Black-Black relationships.

Black Pagans already have it hard enough finding their place in Black culture and the Black community. Often we are misunderstood, ridiculed, ostracized and even called “White” or “oreo” (Black on the outside, White on the inside for those not savvy with snack food slurs) because we don’t practice Christianity. Usually when I mention that I’m Pagan (or God/dess forbid, I tell them I’m a Witch), I can usually bet a good sum that I will be asked within ten minutes or less if I am a devil-worshiper and despite even my best explanations, word will spread like wildfire that a Satanist is in the midst. This is not to say that Black Christianity is not charming, there are definitely some very beautiful aspects to the interpretation of the religion but Black Christians tend to be pretty good at foaming at the mouth when met with something radically different from what they were raised and told. I’ll be told about Jesus (despite being a young adult, Black, living in America and not under a rock) and if I know what I’m doing is a sin. I’ll be asked a million and ten questions about the Bible and explain a million and ten times that Paganism is not a denomination of Christianity so stop asking me the same freaking question just worded differently a million and ten times, I’m not Christian. Not all Black Christians go into freak-out mode when they meet someone who doesn’t hail a cross but they’re not really the norm. For now, there really isn’t any room for Black Pagans and whatever room we do have to express our opinions and faith is incredibly limited within Black culture and we’re barely a blip in the Black mindset, we are the “other”. If this is the Black perception overall, imagine the chance of having a normal Black-Black relationship.

I don’t have a rolodex of relationships to speak of for I’m not really the dating sort. Relationships do interest me but not strongly enough to waste incredible amounts of time and energy on something that isn’t promised and doesn’t often work out. Instead, I have my own one guy who I have dated and sadly broken up with over the summer after a long term relationship. He wasn’t Black, he was Indonesian, Muslim and into the punk scene. Was he perfect in acceptance towards me being Pagan? He had some rough edges but that’s a lot better than believing I’d hex him if he forgot my birthday. He knew about my religion – I make it a point to get that out of the way first so any reactions, whether good or bad, can be had and I get a glimpse of what my future will be like. He was a lenient Muslim himself but our religious views didn’t really enter the relationship much, we were just another pair trying to figure out how to manage a relationship just like anyone else. What killed the relationship were communication issues but he was by far the most accepting guy (who was dateable) of my religion. It’s probably going to be a long time before I find someone like that again and a longer time if I want the guy to be Black.

Most Black men I come across are Christian. I have only come across a very small handful of Black Pagan men and they’re my friends, un-dateable or already in relationships. Even if I did meet a Black Pagan guy, it’s not a promise our individual faiths will mesh well enough for a relationship, not all Pagans are alike. To have a friendship despite our differences is one thing but relationship with so many disparities is another. A lot of Black guys already have very odd and perplexing views about Black women and vice versa which make it difficult to date inside the race but to layer “I’m a Witch!” on top of that, I can probably be assured even if I lowered my standards to a blade of grass I wouldn’t get much of a catch. (Well, I wouldn’t have much of a catch with low standards anyways.) The responses I often get towards my religion are rather disheartening, no matter when I spill the beans about my religion. They tell me they worry I’m cutting off goats’ heads or that I’m crazy because I believe in spells. (How odd, they believe in prayer, practically the same thing.) I get the “You’re a nice girl and all but….” even from the nicest guys. I already have very discerning taste in men (must be intellectual, eccentric (but not psychotic), interesting, respectful, generous, non-egotistical, open-minded etc etc) so my pool is small enough but to be Pagan, it’s like the pool turns into a drop.

Away from religion for a moment, there is quite a silent crisis in the Black perception of the opposite sex. Namely, we’re taught to hate each other. Black women are taught that all Black men are sex-driven dogs with a remarkable penchant for violence. Black men are taught that all Black women are money-sucking harpies and also with a remarkable penchant for violence. This is a very small nutshell of a very big problem but the symbolism runs rampant in Black culture consistently from movies to music to simply how we treat each other. Black culture still has a sense of inferiority instilled from systematic psychological destruction of the Black mind during slavery times so when we’re told that the Black wo/man is worthless, we’re taught by society that a White wo/man is a greater prize instead. Even if the notion does not appear to be incredibly prevalent amongst Black women, it is with Black men seemingly. That to have a White woman or even Asian woman is preferable than a Black woman because it is believed a White or Asian woman is more submissive and manageable, which harkens back to the idea of the Black harpy who swivels her head snakelike in consistent disapproval but also other very long ingrained racial gender stereotypes that pervade mainstream culture like a sickness. In Black culture, it seems to be more acceptable for Black men to date and mess about outside of race but if a Black woman does it, she’s a deemed a traitor because “she holds the future of the Black race.” This saying, I hear all too often and find to be complete and utter crap since Black women aren’t Virgin Marys. There is no such thing as “the future of the Black race” with only half the equation. To penalize one side means to penalize the other, not ignore it, regardless of who is the guilty party. Even with or without the Black wo/man end of the equation, there can’t be a Black relationship if one side is absent for whatever reason.

I have dated outside my race because I don’t entirely care too much about skin as I do about treatment. I’m putting myself out there but my top preference is Black or Asian/American (to note the difference between Asian and Asian-American in one term), I gel best with both cultures. If I meet a nice Asian/American guy who doesn’t mind me for my religion and is fairly decent himself, I will date him. If I meet a nice Black guy who doesn’t mind me for my religion and is fairly decent himself, I will date him. This probably won’t increase my boyfriend pool much either way because of religion and the social stigma of the Black woman as well as interracial dating complexities but I feel if a person wants to date outside of race, that’s perfectly fine, who am I to harp? However, the problems begin when the main reason dating interracially is because the person believes some ill-conceived notion that their own race is worthless.

Returning to religion, Black Pagans are held back further in dating than their White Pagan counterparts because of the smaller pool and added racial stigma. To date within race is to dredge incredible amounts of questions about devil-worshiping and “voodoo doing” as well as assumptions of attempting to be White since it would be considered absurd to be Black and not Christian (or even Muslim). To date outside of race is to be greeted unknowingly with unwarranted racist questions that no sound-minded Black person would want to deal with. In addition, immediate assumptions (and possibly overly patronizing praise) of doing voodoo or Egyptian work may also be made. There are many issues regarding dating out of race but one pervasive issue stems in-race and it is the accusations of being a racial “traitor” by other Blacks, regardless of gender.

I would love to have a nice sizable pool of guys to choose from, eccentric, lovely, smart, respectful, creative men. I also would like to not be judged by the simple fact that, yes, I do cast spells, no, I don’t go to church and I sincerely doubt I’ll be coming back to Christianity, and yes, I truly do promise not to curse your whole family line if you forget to get me a present for Valentine’s, honest. I’m more of the “talk it out” sort and when I say “talk”, I mean “discuss what went wrong and listen to both sides equally” not “scream at you for three hours straight” since that doesn’t solve anything. I want to have a nice, normal relationship with a guy, no worries about whether he’s making Wizard of Oz or voodoo jokes behind my back and I don’t have to teach him practically from scratch about my religion…or he’s willing to do some of the leg work about it.

Relationships are a lot of work and plenty of give and take as it is the union between two very imperfect individuals who come with their own perks, quirks, dreams and misgivings. Regardless of religion or race, this is any relationship. No relationship is perfect because no one is perfect and Pagans are no different. I know for fact I wouldn’t want to be seen only as Witch because that’s not all that I am, just like any other Black Pagan. We wanna date, love and get married too, just like everyone else.

That’s all the Black Witch for this week! If you have a question to give, don’t forget that there’s a submission form, twitter, Facebook fan page and email, just look about this site and you’ll find them! I’m always taking submissions for Ask Black Witch so if you have a question, please ask!

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Be Greater Than – HIV/AIDS Awareness

Filed under: BW Public Service Announcement, Relationships and Dating, Resources & Information — Leave a comment
December 1, 2010

I debated with myself about posting this piece for World AIDS Awareness day because I feel that having awareness about HIV and AIDS should not be rested in one day of kumbahyah and “We Will Survive” panels. For millions suffering with the virus, it is everyday and everyday there are brand new cases. More than 50% of new cases are African-Americans and caught far too late. Just like Black History (or any other cultural history for that matter), one day, one week, one month, none of that is enough. I feel acknowledging HIV and AIDS for simply a day diminishes the urgency to inform and mobilize the public with information enable to stunt the growth of this virus and work closer to a cure.

I’m no expert on HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) or AIDS (Acquired ImmunoDeficiency Syndrome), hence why I will be providing links to those who are. I can only stress that you should be tested if you are sexually active (currently having sex or has had sex and currently celibate) or have taken drugs with needles (in addition, I highly advise you to get help for the addiction, drugs are not the joyride they appear to be). There are many testing centers throughout cities, all free. If you don’t know where there is a testing center for you, the CDC has a website to find a testing center nearest you with just your zip code. If you are infected with the virus and continually sexually active, please inform your bedmates that you are infected and use condoms. HIV/AIDS is tearing through the Black community around the world because of misinformation and silence about the virus. HIV can lay dormant for up to ten years before it becomes full-blown AIDS and the initial symptoms can appear flu-like so there is no sure-fire way to know whether you are infected or not unless you get tested. There is currently no cure for HIV or AIDS, only medicine to improve living with the illness and allowing those affected to live longer.

HIV/AIDS Awareness is beyond a day because as I said, one day is not enough. Become very aware of the 30-year history of the virus to understand how it came about and was handled in the past up to now, learn about the debates of HIV/AIDS medicine and the politics involved, learn what causes the virus to become epidemics in certain groups such as Black women but also in groups not oft discussed, Black intravenous drug users, learn the difference between STDs and HIV/AIDS and most of all, learn about condoms and their use in the fight against the disease in the Black community.

Here are the sites for HIV/AIDS awareness and knowledge. To keep this post easy to find, I’ll will be introducing a new category titled “Resources & Information”:

Greater Than – Great resource on HIV and AIDS for the Black community. Learn about the virus, how it varies from other STDs, how it’s contracted, finding a testing center and more!

Condom Depot – To best protect yourself from the virus sexually, wear a condom, use lubrication and please read their “Learning Center” for more HIV/AIDS and STD information and world news. Product and information all in one place.

Former Surgeon General Koop’s warning – The more World AIDS days that pass, please do not forget that there is a lot of knowledge that is not going around. Just going, “Eh, not my problem” is a problem in itself.

HIV/AIDS ravages throughout the Black community worldwide, taking lives and new cases popping up each and everyday in men, women and children. Until we can find a cure, all that we can do to really fight the virus is with information and awareness and that’s going to take more than one day. It’s everyday.

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Ask a Witch/Ask Black Witch

Filed under: Ask Black Witch, BW Announcements, Relationships and Dating — Leave a comment
September 24, 2010

I have known this man on and off as a friend of my son’s father.  This summer things got very serious between us very fast, you know, “I love you”, “I will never break your heart.”  Guess what he did.  I don’t know why and I can only guess but my heart is in so many pieces and I find it hard to concentrate. I am 48 years old and you think I would know better. Never had a clue.  Mother of his 20 year old son I guess the bonds are hard to break but I did not even know.  Should I let this go?  When do I finally get my true love or is there even such a thing? Why am I always getting it broken?

– Lisa

I would not believe anyone who says, “I’ll never break your heart.” No one should. It can’t exactly be promised because any relationship can go wrong with or without warning, it can only be shown. Dating someone who says “I’ll never break your heart” sounds too good to be true and it usually is. If the guy (or girl) says, “I’ll never leave you” or “I’ll never break your heart,” chances are strikingly good they’re going to do just that, especially if it’s said so early in the relationship. I hate to say it but it sounds like you’ve been gullible, hoping for a Prince Charming and upset you’re winding up with nothing but frogs.

Everyone wants someone who can give them the moon and stars, even me. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that, it’s perfectly human. True love is something everyone wants, the ultimate companionship that is painless, perfect and forever without doubt. I personally believe that there is true love but I also believe that not everyone meets it in the life they’re currently in (side note: I believe in reincarnation).  True love, just like everything else in life, serves its own purpose so if you’re meant to meet them, then you will. If it’s not for this life, then it’s not. Yes, it sucks but the universe doesn’t work for one person nor plays favorites.

As for figuring out if you have a true love or if you’ll meet them, it isn’t easy. Possible but a total Pandora’s Box. You can’t actively seek out true love like it is simply sitting there and waiting to be discovered. Your true love has (or should have) a life of their own and when it’s right for you two to collide then you will. Otherwise, don’t bother looking incredibly hard for it because you could be screwing up your own chances. Plus, would you be happy with what you get? Right now, you simply might not be ready. I used to do a “True Love Spread” which actually consisted of a series of individual spreads but that had proven to consistently open up a can of worms such as this so I decided to stop. Some things are better not knowing…though it certainly doesn’t make anyone feel better knowing that.

Say you found your true love, then what? Is life going to be perfect or have more meaning? Not really, you still have to provide that for yourself because no one else can or will do that for you. If you don’t set time aside to better yourself and learn about yourself, prepare to get your heart broken over and over and over. You have to at least have a basic gist in mind of what you want in a relationship, in a partner and not be afraid to go after either. Stop believing some Prince Charming is simply going to pop up out of nowhere and sweep you off to Happily Ever After. Make yourself charming for yourself, the person you’re really going to have to live with and die with. When pursuing your own life rather than hoping for another to come along, maybe you’ll find your true love but even if you didn’t, at least you’ll be happier with yourself. It’s a struggle and far easier said than done but the best shot to take in your situation. As for the heartbreak – while it’s terribly cliché and I hate this saying myself but it’s going to take time for your heart to heal. Stop running after others for a while – maybe a year or so – to focus on the life and family you already have and let your heart have a chance to heal itself. So let the guy go and focus on yourself. He needs to figure himself out and so do you.

And for the record in case anyone is wondering, I consider true love and soul mate as two different things. You can meet your soul mate and not meet your true love. A soul mate is just that, someone who syncs very well with you through good times and bad or someone you’re simply supposed to know or be with. That soul mate can be your best friend to that stray constantly on your stoop every morning. True love is someone who helps you grow and reach your highest potential but you do the same for them likewise, you both grow and expand together. Does that mean no more arguments? No. Every relationship that involves two imperfect beings (which is every human relationship on this earth) is going to have its ups and downs. How else will the relationship grow anyways if there isn’t any push or pull? 

That would be Ask a Witch/Ask Black Witch* for September! It’s really nice to receive submissions, I don’t get enough. Feel free to ask me anything about myself, yourself or about somebody else. Ask a Witch/Ask Black Witch* is your time to give and get feedback about anything. You can ask me about why I believe in reincarnation or why I’m Black but don’t use the Egyptian pantheon, how to come out the broom closet to loved ones or why I can’t stand daily horoscopes but I study and use astrology. Your questions can also be personal issues from your own life such as the one Lisa asked, I’m perfectly okay with this. My only don’t for Ask a Witch/Ask Black Witch* is to ask for readings. I will not do readings for AaW/ABW*, sorry. You’ll have to wait for a sweepstakes or a contest to roll around (like the one that will be in October, the next post “Mental Mentality”) or do it yourself.

Another nota bene: While I can receive submissions through the Ask Black Witch submission form, via comments, on Twitter and email, please note that I get a nasty slush pile of spam in my Black Witch inbox every time I post my email here (You can find my email in the About Me/Contact Me page up top). I work pretty hard to keep that inbox looking nice and presentable so if you’re going to email a submission, please have something like “Ask Black Witch” in the subject line or I’m going to automatically think it’s spam and hit delete. If you can’t think of a decent subject line (and for some odd reason don’t want to use the one I just gave), just use the Ask Black Witch* submission form on the right hand side of this column, that’s what it’s here for.

*Nota bene #3/Editor’s Note: After some thinking, I have decided that this will be the last Ask a Witch – as for the name, that is. “Ask a Witch” shall be renamed “Ask Black Witch”. I just figured it would be a nice change… and the fact that just about every Pagan publication uses the name “Ask a Witch” for submissions is a daunting thought when you want your column to stand out. Just me putting my spin on things as usual. – BW

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