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Welcome to this month’s Ask Black Witch. Since there was a series last month, I’ll be answering the questions from last month first.
I recently heard of apotropaic magic, and the importance of mastering it before getting into more advanced type magik. I searched online for books and websites that could point me to some methods of apotropaic magik and had no luck. Could you share more about the topic would you please point me the direction of books and more resources. Thank you.
– Dizzybliss
So, I looked up apotropaic magic because yay rustiness. Apotropaic magick, folks, is basically magick to ward off evil, which is pretty basic. Think of the God’s Eye, knocking on wood or the Evil Eye. This handy dandy wiki page about apotropaic magick.
Because this is so basic, pretty much every book on magick has something about this, one reason people used magick over the years is to ward off evil, bad luck, bad times, just bad stuff all around. I already know for fact that every book I own on magick has a section on it and the history of it. I think the best book for you may be Amulets & Talismans for Beginners by Richard Webster (Webster is great for anything, he knows all, seemingly).
So there you have it. You might have made your search harder than it was.
How can I go about asking a person to cast a spell for me to get money to live very nice instead of living on 1,032 a month.
– Vicki R.
Create a very special job attracting amulet called a resume and a cover letter.
Unless this witch, wizard or high magician has a job opening for you that pays more than what you have, you’re pretty much wasting your time. Money doesn’t rain from the sky and considering the economy, unless you have a strong trade in a field desperately needing workers, you’re probably gonna struggle for a bit longer.
The most a spell could do for you is help put extra favor on your side when it comes to job interviews and that’s about it, the rest is all you. Look for tips on Ask a Manager, far more useful than a simple spell.
Hello I’m a girl from Lithuania – a country that I hate very very much. I’ll be 21 soon and I’ve done nothing with my life yet. Like nothing at all. I couldn’t even bring myself to finish that one last year in highschool. I think about suicide a lot. But the worst is when I think about my future. I see nothing. My psychiatrist asked me about what would make me happy, I told her and she said that my dreams are unrealistic. I have a borderline personality disorder and manic depression. I was hospitalized many times but nothing ever helped, so I think that it might not be a real problem. I’ve tried maditation, a little bit of magick, religion. But now I just feel tired all the time and I see no point of getting out of bed. What could help me? maybe some magick? I read books, it is very interesting for me. And women in my mothers side have interesting powers, if i can call it ”powers”. But also I’ve heard that those women are cursed, including me as well. Some of those had tragic lives. I want to ask what could be wrong with me and what should I do?
– Shirley H.
I’d say get a therapist but you already have a psychiatrist but they don’t sound so effective so get a different one if possible. You don’t want a sycophant for a shrink but one that will work with what you want to achieve (if it is indeed realistic, there are such things as unrealistic dreams, like if a 74 year old rocket engineer wants to be a world-renowned pop star despite not even knowing a single thing about music).
You’re suicidal and think your future is about as bleak as anything, magick won’t solve anything at this point. It may make you feel better but the reality is, you need to focus on your problems. You’re the most common denominator of your problems. If you didn’t do anything with your life, that’s on you, not the world. You could have volunteered, you could have learned new skills via the internet, you could have done whatever. It does suck having disorders – I have a laundry list of them myself – but it’s not like you were fully incapacitated unless you forgot to mention you’re in an abusive household. That’s life with a mental illness.
A personality disorder can be a ream of disorders, you should have been more specific because they’re not all the same. Bipolar can also be dealt with as well. Meditation is good – it’s great, actually – but don’t assume it’s going to help you perfectly heal because it won’t solve the problems, just help you manage them. And don’t dabble with magick, you need to talk to a decent therapist, not take a wack at the occult.
So to recap: Get a better therapist, try to be more proactive with your problems, keep meditating and feel free to read up on magick but hold off from doing any until you’re better.
So that is Ask Black Witch for this week! And oh! Due to unforeseen events, the karaoke event will be canceled! Sorry folks!
So I was supposed to do a literary contest because April is National Poetry Month but I got swept up in doing Black Witch events – which, by the way, did you know Ka-Ra-O-Ke! Is next month on May 5th? – so here’s what we’re gonna do. I’mma hand pick poetry that have always stuck with me throughout the years.
Let’s start!
A poem that really caught my attention and even got me into doing spoken word poetry was Saul Williams “Om Nia Merican”
om nia merican born of beats and blood the concert of the sun unplugged, i’m the om nia merican born of beats and blood the concert of the sun unplugged
o say can you – 20,000 negro leagues beneath the sea foamed clouds laced with ink that stains when rains. makes books of trees at once upon a dawn’s early light, pawn bishop knight children of night, may queens take kinds hereafter, thereafter the trickling sands demand that our decisions be timely i’m the
om nia merican born of beats and blood the concert of the sun unplugged, i’m the om nia merican born of beats and blood the concert of the sun unplugged, i’m the
offspring of spring reborn, pledged, and sworn – the risen ash of a flag burned and torn, i’m the blood of the womb, the risen tide of the moon, the dark side that the light cannot hide, i’m the pages of history read between the lines, the shining truth behind your symbols and signs, i’m the son of a minister, love a teacher, my mother taught me well so i rebel, i’m the bell retolled yet a story untold, the hidden force behind a rock that was rolled. i’m the om nia merican born of beats and blood, the concert of the sun, unplugged, i’m the om nia merican born of beats and blood the concert of the sun unplugged
lift every voice and sing til earth and heaven ring
There is an audio version but you’re gonna have to look for it but totally worth it.
That’s one of many poems! Another one I really love, the author is unknown and is a folk secular:
“He Paid Me Seven” (Parody)
“Our Fadder, Which are in Heaben!”- White man owe me leben and pay me seben. “D’y Kingdom come! D’y Will be done!”- An’ if I hadn’t tuck dat, I wouldn’ git none.
I believe it was recited by Mos Def for Def Poetry, very well done!
Another piece I find memorable is “Ozymandias” by Percy Bysshe Shelley
I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: “Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
`My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!’
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away”.
What I find so memorable about it is its truth. Nothing can stand the test of time, not even the most famous or the most feared, it all falls to the sands of time until it is nothing but a relic of eras passed.
I’ve always found Wanda Coleman’s super on-point poem, “Wanda Why Aren’t You Dead” astounding.
wanda when are you gonna wear your hair down
wanda. that’s a whore’s name
wanda why ain’t you rich
wanda you know no man in his right mind want a
ready-made family
why don’t you lose weight
wanda why are you so angry
how come your feet are so goddamn big
can’t you afford to move out of this hell hole
if i were you were you were you
wanda what is it like being black
i hear you don’t like black men
tell me you’re ac/dc. tell me you’re a nympho. tell me you’re
into chains
wanda i don’t think you really mean that
you’re joking. girl, you crazy
wanda what makes you so angry
wanda i think you need this wanda you have no humor in you you too serious wanda i didn’t know i was hurting you that was an accident wanda i know what you’re thinking
wanda i don’t think they’ll take that off of you
wanda why are you so angry
i’m sorry i didn’t remember that that that that that that was so important to you
wanda you’re ALWAYS on the attack
wanda wanda wanda i wonder
why ain’t you dead
As you can see, I’m a big fan of free verse and a really good poet to exemplify that is E.E. Cummings.
“It Is Funny, You Will Be Dead Some Day”
it is funny, you will be dead some day. By you the mouth hair eyes,and i mean the unique and nervously obscene
need;it’s funny. They will all be dead
knead of lustfulhunched deeplytoplay lips and stare the gross fuzzy-pash —dead—and the dark gold delicately smash…. grass,and the stars,of my shoulder in stead.
It is a funny,thing. And you will be
and i and all the days and nights that matter knocked by sun moon jabbed jerked with ecstasy ….tremble (not knowing how much better
than me will you like the rain’s face and
the rich improbable hands of the Wind
Poetry. It ain’t that boring Shakespeare we’ve all had stuffed down our throats.
There are many different types of poems out there, the types shown here is not all there is. There are many great collections of poetry regardless the era or the background. I highly recommend you go to your local library and ask for various collections.
And that’s The Arts! for this month, huzzah. Next week is Ask Black Witch, send in your submissions using these methods below!
Good friend of mine, Crystal B., has been calling for submissions of the minority Pagan experience to create a follow up anthology to Shades of Faith called Shades of Ritual! Here are the details!
Megalithica Books, an imprint of Immanion Press (Stafford, U.K./Portland, OR, U.S.A) is seeking submissions for a follow up anthology to Shades of Faith, released in August of 2011. This anthology will focus on people of color working in magical communities and their spiritual practices. This anthology will provide another opportunity to get the voices and experiences of minorities within the Pagan community out to the world and address some of the challenges, stereotyping, frustrations and the beauty of being different within the racial construct of typical Pagan or Wiccan groups. These communities include (but are not limited to) groups and individuals working in Wicca, Voodoo, Umbanda, Shaman, and other Pagan paths.
As many of the roots of Paganism come from the lands of people of color, much of the color of Paganism is often forgotten in the cultural mainstreaming that often happens to ethnic cultures. Many people of color within Paganism walk between the worlds of their birth ancestry and culture, and that of their spiritual culture. This anthology is meant to show how that might look within the spiritual practice of one’s home.
Here are some suggested topics to give you an idea of the focus of this anthology.
Rituals
Poetry
Your experience of integration into the Pagan community and how that might correlate with your practice
Magical work
Ancestor work
Deity specific practices and relationships
Integrating your birth culture with your spiritual workings
What magical work are you doing now? How do you describe it? Do you work alone, in a group, or in several settings?
Your birth culture and spiritual workings
Stereotypes and prejudice and the impact on spiritual or magic workings.
Being the only person of color in a coven, group or community
Sharing your culture and history with other Pagans
Cultural history and how that plays a role in your spiritual practice today
Family culture and how that plays a role in your spiritual practice
Cultural appropriations and how that works in your practice.
Rough drafts are due August 15, 2013. These drafts will be edited in a back-and-forth process with the editor. Essays should be 1500-4000 words, although if your work falls outside those limits, do submit it – we can discuss this during the editing process. Drop us an email if you are unsure whether your idea fits into the content. The sooner you start the communication process the better, as after the deadline we won’t be considering additional ideas.
Essay requirements:
• Citations for all quoted, paraphrased, or otherwise unoriginal material
• Bibliography of works cited
• Prefer APA format
Do write in your voice! If you’re academically inclined or trained, feel free to be as intelligent and technical as you like. If your work entirely talks in the first person about your own experience, please include this also. There is a wide range of voices, and we are interested in being as inclusive of style as possible.
Accepted contributors will receive a free copy of the anthology when it is published and additional copies sold at 40% off the cover price to contributors. All contributors will be provided with a contract upon final acceptance of their essays, not when they are accepted for editing. If your essay is not accepted for the anthology, we will tell you after the first round of edits.
The anthology will be edited by Crystal Blanton. She is the author of two books with Immanion press; Bridging the Gap; Working Within the Dynamics of Pagan Groups and Society, and Pain and Faith in a Wiccan World. She is also the editor of the first anthology, Shades of Faith; Minority Voices in Paganism. She may be found online at http://www.crystalblanton.org and her email address for this anthology is crystal@crystalblanton.com .
Immanion Press is a small independent press based in the United Kingdom. Founded by author Storm Constantine, it expanded into occult nonfiction in 2004 with the publication of Taylor Ellwood’s Pop Culture Magick. Today, Immanion’s nonfiction line, under the Megalithica Books imprint, has a growing reputation for edgy, experimental texts on primarily intermediate and advanced pagan and occult topics. Find out more at http://www.immanion-press.com.
Don’t forget! Black Witch Meet and Greet on Sunday in Baltimore, Maryland! Details at the bottom!
You know, it’s really something when you look about the ‘net and hear people say things like, “if only I had a magic wand” or “I’m not a wizard, I can’t make things happen like that” and things of that nature. Ha, even with magick, psionics, metaphysics, whatever on your side, you still have to deal with mundane life. Hey, right now I’m using a computer, a word processor and taking good advantage of my access to the internet.
Thing is, there isn’t really a “witchy world” and “muggle world”, never was. We live in the same communities that regular folks do, pay bills, vote, go to the market, get a job, so on and so forth. I can summon spirits and entities, and Baltimore Gas & Electric does not care. If anything, they’d probably remark, “That’s nice but you still have to pay your bills and if we don’t see any money from you by the 15th, you can summon some light spirits or whatever it is you do.”
Magick and metaphysics exists within normal life. Doing magick to make sure the bills are paid won’t magickally make money rain from the sky and there won’t be any sparkly thing happening (okay, most likely, I’ve learned that things can be improbable but not impossible). You still have to get a job, be good at writing a resume and a cover letter, things like that. It could make circumstances occur where there is somehow enough money to foot the bills or make the bills have a positive surprise (registered as forgiven or paid in the system or a surprise credit that makes the bill drop waaaaaay low (this actually happened to me, my electric bill is about $4.50 for this past month, very proud)) but I don’t think you’ll be seeing actual legal tender that is valid in your nation floating or plopping from the sky or out of your pet parakeet’s mouth. And please see a vet if your pet petite bird starts barfing money.
This isn’t to say the magickal life isn’t that magical. It’s just without a lot of the special effects. You can still witness fae and spirits and entities but there isn’t a Hogwarts around to teach you. There’s no Witch school, Wizarding academy, nothing to grant you a A.A. in ceremonial magick. Learning about magick is more like going to the library or the bookstore trying to look at as many titles as possible, finding metaphysical shops that may or may not be near and possible debating with people on Tumblr about what stick of sage is appropriate to use and if “smudging” is a culturally hijacked term. Way less fancy.
Thing is, back then, some things that were seen as magical back then such as a camera operating. People used to think that could steal your soul. Then science became more widely available and now we better understand the process, which does take some of the wonder out of it. Then you have the fact that a lot of shows and movies are so heavy on the special effects and camera angles because there’s no other way to convey that something has happened since movies only can effect two senses, sight and hearing, and has to convey something to make up for the absence to affect the other three senses. Seriously, next movie or show with magic and/or psionics in it, try to imagine if there weren’t any sparks or if the camera angle was as static as the human eye, seeing things from only one point of perspective at a time. You’d see how much detail could possibly be missed because there’s nothing overteaching the fact that something unusual was happening. When I and folks I know do magick, there aren’t really any wide, gaping movements, if any noticeable ones at all. We’re not Gandalf, we just want to get the spell done. Magick doesn’t require a stage manager (unless it’s Gardnerian or Alexandrian Wicca, ha!)
So does this mean that the life a Witch is ultra boring? Yep. Very. If someone followed me around my life all day, they wouldn’t see anything magickal happening. They may see me on the computer dilly dallying about or…that’s probably pretty much it. Maybe watch me wash dishes and complain about how my sink is too small or that water gets everywhere. I don’t cast spells everyday (that would be tiring!) and the fae in my home only really express themselves by stealing things I won’t notice are gone until I actually need it. Like my glasses. Magick is usually subtle and not loud and so is the magickal life. I do magick because that’s what I’m pulled to and resonate with naturally. I don’t practice magick because of the reactions people give when they learn that I do, that would be stupid and a bit emotionally desperate in attempt to look cool or relevant.
So there you have it, the Witchy life is no different than the normal life besides knowing how to be really handy with herbs and rocks. There’s no Disney or Warner Bros. styled living filled with sparkles, colored wind, designer clothes that seem to never get dirty or ripped and no bills or responsibilities. There is cool stuff and fun stuff and even some “holy crap, that just happened” stuff but that’s about it.
Now, for the Black Witch events!
This Sunday will be the Black Witch Meet and Greet! Here’s the promo that has all the details (I know I will miss something if I don’t do this)
BW Meet and Greet (April 14; Baltimore, MD): Let’s hang out and meet each other! This is the Black Witch Meet and Greet, where you can meet me, fellow readers and have fun. Located at the Washington Monument, (if it rains, we’ll be at the Central Library) this event is open to any and everyone. The meet and greet will be on April 14th starting at 1 PM EST and going to 4 PM. Be there! If this one is really successful, there will most likely be a monthly BW meet and greet.
And if you can’t make this event, that’s okay! There’s always next month!
Ka-ra-o-ke! Music Time With Black Witch! (May 5; Baltimore, MD): I love singing and I especially love karaoke! So let’s do some karaoke together! We will gather at Rainbow Music Studio on 2126 Maryland 2 and have a room to sing the night away! Rooms prices are $35/hour for up to six people and increases by $10 when up to six more people show up (Ex: $45/hour for 12, $55/hour for 18, so on and so forth) so depending on how many people come, the price could be really small ($5.83 per person if up to six, $3.75 per person for up to twelve, so on and so forth) or bigger than that so although I will keep everyone updated, be sure to bring at least $15.
And The Arts! is next week! Sadly, I was forgetful about running a literary contest this year since April is National Poetry Month so here’s what we’re gonna do: hand selected pieces of noteworthy poems such as Saul Williams, unnamed poems and others! Huzzah!
Building friendships and magick. Sometimes they don’t mix.
I have to admit, sometimes when being openly Pagan, you can take a hit in the friend department, which can really hurt if you didn’t have many to start with. Since Paganism still has a strong stigma with it, you have to deal with a particular wonder of if people don’t like you for you or if you’d have better success being social if you weren’t such a pretty misunderstood faith.
Within the last ten years of me being Pagan, I have dealt with folks running from me, crossing the street when they see me, keeping me at a clear distance, arguing, appearing visibly threatened, giving me odd looks, the silent treatment, etc etc If it is a negative reaction short of actual assault, I have experienced it and man, is it something to get it from people you actually cared about, respected or held in high esteem. If anything, it makes you a little more cynical and apprehensive about meeting new people.
And this is with folks I’m open with. With others, it can be a total tightrope between talking about my life and censoring out the more important parts of it. So if I get frustrated because something not cool happened regarding Black Witch and I hang with these folks, I have to either learn to be really good at masking or come off as mysteriously moody. Or, if I have an amazing achievement, I can’t share it. And then there’s when positive experiences in my life that are related to Black Witch or the success of Black Witch have to be delivered with huuuuuuuuuge and disconnecting plot points, if at all.
As much as I would like to tell folks, “I’m Pagan, deal with it,” I can’t be that way to every single person on earth because believe it or not, there are still some folks who don’t know that I’m Pagan and the uphill battle of explaining to them may not be worth it. It’s really frustrating, mainly because I already know what has happened when I jumped out the broom closet so wantonly. I still think twice when sharing pictures from Pagan Humor on Facebook (they’re really funny, check it out!)
When I was part of the P.O.D. fan site, The Southtown, when I was around 15 or so, someone had asked about Wicca in the “Spiritual” section of the forum boards. Now, I was a regular there so no harm, no foul right? It was a pretty regular question any ol’ ways, as I thought, and I responded to it like a regular question. Oh wow, the response overnight was deafening. For those not in the know, P.O.D. (Payable On Death) is a rock band that can definitely be a bit Christian faith heavy so they have a tendency to attract Christian fans.
You can probably tell that it is not gonna be a happy story.
I never saw folks go 180 so fast ever before that. Maaaaaaan, people were pissed beyond belief. Bible thumping like never before, people sending me angry messages and pretty much no one coming to my defense until waaaaaaaaaaaaay later. Wow, so much for Christian kindness. These were people who already knew me prior beforehand but in an instant, disliked me as if they never cared to start with. And best of all, I had no one to go to, really. If these people who really liked me at some point in history turned really fast, who else wouldn’t? It was really disheartening. I only talk to about three people from that site today.
This kinda was my first experience in dealing with simply going, “Lemme just be as normal as possible about this faith and all will be fine,” and so early at that. Layer this on top of the fact that I have always sucked with being social with people because people didn’t always like me. When I was younger, it was because I could read, didn’t really find hip hop to die for (I got the feeling at a young age a lot of it wasn’t really that positive, especially to women), I liked learning and was made fun of for being different, lacking “Blackness” and never really understanding the other kids. I never was actively mean to people, I barely bothered people, if anything because I got the opposite. I just didn’t get people and never fitted in. Still pretty much don’t.
I didn’t always have a crappy experience with it came to making friends while Pagan. At the old metaphysical shop I used to go to, I interacted with plenty of people and even made some great connections there (mainly in the form of being a derpy teen hanging about a metaphysical shop daily). This is not to say every interaction was perfect, I still have my crappy social skills to account for but I really would be a little more social (read: total chatterbox) when comfortable.
So when it comes to dealing with people and being my usual worrisome self, it’s like dealing with the Pagan version of Negro Neurosis. Negro Neurosis is not being sure when a displeasing event occurred because you were unlucky or you simply were Black. The Pagan version would be me not knowing if the distance of friendship or reactions was because I really suck with people and they won’t tell me what’s wrong or because I’m Pagan and that squicks them out (perhaps a combo?) The best example of this is when I meet someone at a concert and they’re really warm and then out comes the fact that I’m Pagan either through friending each other on Facebook, I mention Black Witch or something and all of a sudden its pauses, careful wording and delayed responses as if, “Oh no! She’s really different. Not cutesy weird or mock weird or even artistic weird. She’s just plain weird and I have no idea how to interact.”
It really sucks.
Usually, when I have these issues with people, they’re tough to tackle. No one wants to look like the person who won’t be friends with someone because their faith is different but it doesn’t change the fact they may act that way. To tackle the subject can cause friction (which could have been avoided possibly) or become like pinning down a slippery fish. When I feel something is wrong in a friendship, I generally ask, “Is something wrong? We don’t seem to be getting along well” or something of the matter because, hey, might as well talk about a problem before it gets out of hand. Even when I have approached folks about it, I can be met with a stunting silence. I know some people would rather duck such a question to avoid hurt or abrasive feelings but if I’m at the point I have to outright ask what’s going on, we pretty much already punched out the “stung emotions” box on the Friendship Problems bingo card, might as well start getting things out in the open because been there, done that. Not a fun dance to just tease things out and slowly piece them together. I’ve lost the patience to wait for people to finally snap on me, have someone go from friend to fiend in what appears like a flash, cry over crumbling friendships. Instead, those things annoy me now. I take friendship seriously and if there is a problem I take that seriously, too, and rather fix a problem when it makes itself apparent.
When it is comes out that the fact I’m Pagan is an issue, I try to have a mini Q&A because honestly, whatever issue they have isn’t usually with my religion and its beliefs but whatever stigma they learned about it. I’m Pagan, the most harmful I get is that I want people to cut the rings in their six pack holders and I may ignore people if they have a cat/bird/hedgehog/dog/ferret in tow. Not exactly vicious. I rather get stuff like that out the way so that the friendship can grow unhindered, if it ever does. If it is about my personality, I just rather talk it out and see what is going on and how to fix it.
If anyone is wondering why I don’t outright cut off people the second they make me miffed or frustrated, firstly, that’s no way to have a friendship. Even a best friend will work your nerves from time to time because they are a separate person from you with their own thoughts and ideas. Plus, I’m simply a firm believer that sometimes people don’t even know that they’re doing something wrong unless notified and I am especially that. There have been times I unknowingly pissed someone off and didn’t find out until waaaaaaaaaaaay after the eruptive fall out because either a) they dropped really subtle hints that I never picked up or b) just got sick of dealing with me but didn’t want to talk to me about it when it first became a potential irritation.
It sucks trying making friends and not being entirely successful at it. Sucks even more when you learn part of it is because of your religion (or race, or gender). It’s really difficult when first encountering and easy to become bitter from because usually everyone tries to say they’re equal opportunity friendly, it isn’t always true. However, it’s up to you on if you want to maintain the tango of friendship, let them go or put your foot down. You don’t need to roll about with a big pentacle around your neck and you’ll learn – or have learned – that sometimes it’s better to keep quiet and take an L. Just move with what’s best for you but don’t be a doormat nor an explosive cannon.
And don’t forget: Hang out with Black Witch! Two events in Baltimore, Maryland!
BW Meet and Greet (April 14) : Let’s hang out and meet each other! This is the Black Witch Meet and Greet, where you can meet me, fellow readers and have fun. Located at the Washington Monument, (if it rains, we’ll be at the Central Library) this event is open to any and everyone. The meet and greet will be on April 14th starting at 1 PM EST and going to 4 PM. Be there! If this one is really successful, there will most likely be a monthly BW meet and greet.
Ka-ra-o-ke! Music Time With Black Witch! (May 5): I love singing and I especially love karaoke! So let’s do some karaoke together! We will gather at Rainbow Music Studio on 2126 Maryland 2 and have a room to sing the night away! Rooms prices are $35/hour for up to six people and increases by $10 when up to six more people show up (Ex: $45/hour for 12, $55/hour for 18, so on and so forth) so depending on how many people come, the price could be really small ($5.83 per person if up to six, $3.75 per person for up to twelve, so on and so forth) or bigger than that so although I will keep everyone updated, be sure to bring at least $15.
Alright, the very final post of the Black Witch series, The Arts! This will have plenty of resources for sex and sexuality starting with books. And check out the end! Black Witch events!
Books The Wandering Womb: A Cultural History of Outrageous Beliefs about Woman
(Lana Thompson)
Western history has had a long stand about the body of woman and how society should perceive it, which has transformed over time. This book talks about those beliefs from the beginning and, as the title states, how outrageous and perverse they are. From the theory of the uterus and hysteria to medical theory about women and how their bodies work. Lighthearted, filled with imagery and informative, this book is quite something.
Virgin: The Untouched History
(Hanne Blank)
This book is incredibly awesome. It talks about the history of virginity. Did you know that our concept on virginity is a fairly recent thing? Also, it talks about the hymen, which was not always the determinate of virginity. In addition, there are wild misconceptions about hymens (there is no such thing as “destroying” or breaking/popping a hymen) and this book talks about it in detail the social obsession with virginity, hymens, culture and how the world interacts with the existence of women and their bodies. It’s a really cool book and fantastically written, I highly recommend reading it.
Body Drama: Real Girls, Real Bodies, Real Issues, Real Answers
(Nancy Amanda Redd)
This book. This book right here? Prepares you for life. Like, life, man. Life. This is the best book I had ever under-appreciated in my liiiiiiiiiiiiiife. Oh my gods. This book is a must read for all girls, especially if you are a minority because this book has it all and most importantly…it’s not a book that’s targeted at White girls with some tokens scattered throughout the pages like the vast majority of them are. It actually reflects girls and all their problems and backgrounds. It talks about more than just puberty but the body and how it works and develop from ashy skin to hair to embarrassing questions such as weird smells and skid marks. It’s a great book to learn that as a girl, your body is normal, no matter what the tv and the magazines and the ads tell you. So many girls, especially girls who aren’t White, have such concerns about their bodies and nowhere to go because welp, most books about girls bodies are directed at White girls pretty much exclusively and go to other sources which can provide misinformation such as “Coca cola is an effective spermicide”, “bleach is useful to stop pregnancies in the morning after”, “pulling out is 100% effective” and “can’t get preggers at all through anal sex”. It is body positive, sex positive, real life positive! It helps with all the body and emotional stuff that girls (and growing women) go through that if it had a section on how to write resumes and pay taxes, all bases would be covered and have to be re-titled Book o’ Life, How to Be Alive.
The Teenage Guy’s Survival Guide
(Jeremy Daldry)
This book is for the fellas. When I was growing up, I read books for both guys and girls because hey, if I wanted to learn real facts about boys, why not go to the source, right? I’ve discovered that this book is fantastic to explain bodies, puberty and girls to boys. It’s really a great book and I highly recommend it. It talks about masturbation, fantasies and relationships in a humorous, non-complicated way. Just like Body Drama, it tells guys about their bodies in an unabashed way and that it is okay to not match the depictions of masculinity in media today. It’s a great book for boys to learn about themselves, feel secure in who they are as boys and how to separate fact from fiction.
Videos!
These vids are fantastic for those who do want info now, now, now!
Chescaleigh is pretty nifty! I like her videos! She also has several that are on point with the theme of this series!
“How Slut Shaming Becomes Victim Blaming” is a great video for those who are still fuzzy on the first piece of the How Much Do You Love Me series where I talk about slut shaming and how harmful it is.
“Cat Called”, shows why it is never cool to do street harassment (yep, cat calling is one strong and definite example of street harassment. Don’t do it.)
“No Mo’ ‘No Homo’”, which is a fantastic example of why it’s really stupid to say “no homo”.
Although Laci Green can a bit iffy when it comes to discussions of race, she did make this informative video, found through Chescaleigh’s “How Slut Shaming Becomes Victim Blaming” video that does have good explanation of slut shaming and why it is bad for everyone.
And another video titled “You Can’t POP Your Cherry! (Hymen 101)” of hers that provide information on the reality of the hymen and how virginity is depicted around it.
“Our Hidden Culture” goes in depth with street harassment (such as cat calling) and rape culture
And “The Gender Box”! As explained by LinzerDinzer and Miles Jai, cramming yourself inside a gender box is not very fitting.
Sites
This is really great for those who may be impatient, a bit embarrassed to get the books (and that’s fine), lack access to the books or simply want all the information right then and there. Here are some great sites!
Condom Depot – Y’all should have seen this coming. Best safe sex product site I’ve ever come across. They have everything from condoms (with rating system, rolled out visuals, measurements and customer reviews). Ordering is discrete – it won’t say “Condom depot” anywhere on the box so it’s easy to fly under the radar – and very affordable! Also there are articles and other writings on sex health, politics and culture around the world. Even if sex makes you squeamish now, just keep this site in mind for later.
Bedsider – This site is fantastic for learning about different types of birth controls without the scary or inaccurate sex ed. lessons! It comes with insightful videos, interactive guides and even a guide on which birth control to choose from abstinence to IUDs. This is a great site, even for the squeamish and easily squicked out about sex and bodies.
Rape Is Not Your Fault – This is for those who have endured sexual assault and rape, both guys and girls. Remember, no matter what happened, it is not your fault. You didn’t lead them on, it wasn’t what you wore, nothing that you said, you are not at fault at your own demise. It is the rapist fault because they are the rapist, they attacked you, not the other way around, end of story. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying and blaming the wrong person, you, and not the person who committed an act of rape. It does not matter if you know the person, if you trusted them or how close you were to them, they had no right whatsoever to dupe you and then persuade you that you’re the criminal of your own crime when really it was them all along. They are the criminal and they should suffer the repercussions because of it and there is no excuse in the book that should save them from it. Again, it is not your fault. The site is meant to serve Baltimore City but can be used by anyone affected by rape and sexual assault. There is also an “Escape” and “Clear History” bar if you are triggered.
And that’s the finish of How Much Do You Love Me series! Normal posting resumes next week! (I promise, I have everything ready and all) And here are two events where you can hang out with me, Black Witch:
Black Witch Meet and Greet (April 14; Baltimore, MD):Let’s hang out and meet each other! This is the Black Witch Meet and Greet, where you can meet me, fellow readers and have fun. Located at the Washington Monument, (if it rains, we’ll be at the Central Library) this event is open to any and everyone. I’ll also be bringing my BW merch, especially the marimos (they’re so popular!) so if anyone wants to buy but duck the shipping, this is the best way to go. The meet and greet will be on April 14th starting at 1 PM EST and going to 4 PM. Be there! If this one is really successful, there will most likely be a monthly BW meet and greet.
Ka-ra-o-ke! Music Time With Black Witch! (May 5; Baltimore, MD): I love singing and I especially love karaoke! So let’s do some karaoke together! We will gather at Rainbow Music Studio on 2126 Maryland 2 and have a room to sing the night away! Rooms prices are $35/hour for up to six people and increases by $10 when up to six more people show up (Ex: $45/hour for 12, $55/hour for 18, so on and so forth) so depending on how many people come, the price could be really small ($5.83 per person if up to six, $3.75 per person for up to twelve, so on and so forth) or bigger than that so although I will keep everyone updated, be sure to bring at least $15.
This post is part of the How Much Do You Love Me? series. Normal posting resumes in April.
Ah, the Nice Guy. This myopic douchebag believes that women should automatically give them sex because they’re sooooooo nice and kiiiiiiiiiind and def. not like other guys. They harass women on the street, have very difficult cognitive skills that borderline “absolute idiot” when it comes to understanding phrases like “No, stop talking to me and leave me alone,” and they believe any woman that is outside their house or visible on the internet is fair game, regardless whether she is busy, tired or plain not social. Women aren’t people to them, just a trophy to win and get sex from.
Here’s the thing about the Nice Guy. He’s not that nice. If anything, he attempts to be manipulative and when the manipulation fails, goes full on salty douchebag. Here’s a great video by the1janitor about why being a Nice Guy, isn’t really being a nice guy.
Wasn’t that vid all informative and fun? This dude hits the nail right on the head. See, women, given that we are people, like to be treated as people, not as damsels in distress or as if we’re open pickings simply because we exist. That’s why I made fun of that dude several Ask Black Witches ago because that’s exactly what he was doing and I, like any other girl, do not appreciate that. No girl or woman appreciates some random person walking up to them going, “You wanna start a relationship [with me, a total stranger]?” It’s creepy as hell, rude and any guy who does that fully deserves to get their every emotion obliterated because they don’t know how to talk to people. Look, if a girl walked up to a dude and acted just as desperate, I have a strong feeling that she would be treated as, well, desperate. Guys shouldn’t be excluded from such treatment because society told them that they are to be the actors and the women to be the acted upon. Nope, act like a jerk, get treated like a jerk, it’s that simple.
Now, if anyone is confused about how girls (and guys) should be chatted up, try the “like a human” route. Y’know, say hi, start small talk, learn to read and acknowledge the girl (or guy) not wanting to talk if it occurs. All you need are regular social skills you should have learned in grade school.
If you’re reading this and still feeling that, “Hey, women should learn how to be more receptive”, congrats, you are the human embodiment of rape culture, your “Proud to be a Douche” trophy will be in the mail with one (1) free coupon to the nearest castration and assisted suicide clinic. Thank you for your unwanted participation.
What is rape culture, everyone? It’s everywhere, from the Nice Guy syndrome to street harassment, to slut shaming to domestic violence to rape itself. It’s the fancy little ball of wtf that makes life pretty hard to live, especially if you’re a girl. It’s the societal assumption that of both genders, women, regardless of whether they’re grown or little girls, are supposed to be acted upon at all times. That, regardless what happens, they should be the victim and it will always be their fault because the onus is supposed to be on the woman to protect her modesty and chastity, especially if they are a minority. And that brings us to this side bit about guys calling women “females”.
See, the term “female” instead of “woman” is degrading. Simple as that. It steals away the human identity because we’re not scientific specimens, we’re people (if I sound like a broken record with this whole “women are people” thing, you won’t believe how many people are not actively aware of this fact). If we can’t even have the basic decency of being regarded as a person, just don’t talk to us. Rudimentary gender description should only be reserved for forms and to describe a group of people where age is not accounted for situation, never in informal talk or chatter. Either you were talking to a girl or a woman, not simply a female so choose one. Demetria of Ask Demetria was very on point when she said that when guys say “female” instead of “woman or girl”, it simply is another word for “b*tch”. So if any guy wants to be successful with women, take it out your vocabulary. It just tags you with “I’m probably a wife beater and/or rapist, please be rude to me.” This is also ditto with “shorty” and “ma”. Use of “Queen” means you’re the Afriboo edition of the degrading douchebag with a side of Nice Guy. Please avoid it.
On that note, I wanna bring up rape. If you think a rapist is a creepy guy in the bushes, hate to say it but you’re wrong. Almost 80% of rapes are done by guys that the girl* knew, which is part of why the number of reported rapes are so low. The “creepy guy in the bushes” is about 9%. (Lying about rape is about 2-4%.) Rape, as defined by the FBI, is “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim,” which basically mean if there isn’t consenting, it. Is. Rape. End of story. Forcing the girl to have sex? Rape. Is she sleep and wants to stay that way but you don’t? Rape. Is she drunk beyond comprehension? Rape. She says no or something along those lines and you won’t listen? Rape. Rape is rape. Between straight couples, gay couples, guy forcing himself on girl, girl forcing himself on guy, so on and so forth, it doesn’t matter, rape is rape. If the dude refuses to acknowledge non-consent in any way, shape or form, it rape/sexual assault.
I’m sure some folks don’t know how rape and sexual assault are different so here’s a basic cheat sheet:
if it is unwelcomed touching in an inappropriate area such as breasts or derriere or crotch, it’s sexual assault
if it is unwelcomed touching anywhere else on the body or making inappropriate sexual comments, it’s sexual harassment (which is what street harassment falls under, we’ll be talking about that later)
if it is forced sex (oral, vaginal or anal), it’s rape.
And there you go, your cheat sheet for life, now you can talk to people without risking interaction with the healthcare system, judicial system or mace. Still confused? Read and read again. Don’t wait for a “no” but aim for an enthusiastic “yes”. A rapist isn’t the creepy dude in the shadows but the guy who decided to not understand dissent.
Now, I’m sure I will have the random guy or girl (mainly guy) reader that goes, “But-but-but, women are aloof creatures that mean one thing but do another? How am I supposed to know when they say ‘yes’, it means ‘yes’ and when they say ‘no’ they’re not just playing ‘hard to get’? Women are so crazy, they make no sense.” Firstly, please turn off the tv, drop all your men magazine subscriptions and listen up: Women are no more complicated people than men are. Humans are, by extension, complicated creatures. If we weren’t, psychology wouldn’t exist, self-help writers would be starving in the street and advertisement would choose smarter methods to convince you to get their product rather than go down the “get the girl/all the girls” route that so strongly populates our media. Yes, you’re gonna come across some random girl who internalized the misogyny of mainstream modern culture, just like I come across guys who internalized patriarchal, hyper-masculine ideas of mainstream modern culture. They are generally nutters, poorly deluded, insecure (both genders) and – as you could probably guess – not worth bothering about with. If you think women are crazy, you’re probably the nutter I described above.
On street harassment: don’t do it. Street harassment is basically making inappropriate or sexist remarks or actions to women, using abusive language when women rebuff your random encounter. Most women hate street harassment because it is exactly that, harassment. Telling a woman to smile is harassment (if you don’t tell guys to smile, then yes, it can be seen as sexist probably because it is because like men, women have hard days and aren’t bobbing bubbles of sunshine), trying to get a woman’s number exactly .05 seconds after acknowledging her existence is harassment (and creepy), assuming that a woman needed your opinion on how short her skirt is/big her legs are/small her bust is/tight her shirt is/etc and loudly voicing that opinion is harassment. If you want to get to know a woman, try talking to her like a human being using normal social skills, it’s probably your best method. And if you’re miffed that girls put up a defense the second you talk to them, probably because you’re not the first guy to harass them and secondly, that society believe that women should be on their guard from future harassment or suffer being slut-shamed and deal with endless victim blaming because, welp, they didn’t protect their virginal ways enough.
If someone just checked their calendar throughout all this, yes, it is still 2013 but it feels so 1813, don’t it? We can call someone on the other side of the earth as if they lived in the next house over, complete with HD visuals and our phones can double as tvs, music players, cameras, calculators, PDAs, datebooks, computers and more but we still have to have this “Treat women like people because they are” discussion that folks didn’t understand back when they thought that hysteria meant the uterus was floating throughout the body and that blowing tobacco smoke up your derriere could alleviate stomach pain and save near drowning victims (I’m not making this up, check out #9). Yep. What strides in time we have made.
So, don’t be a Nice Guy. Be yourself – Oh, and the Friendzone! Let us talk about the Friendzone!
Okay, the friendzone is what the “Nice Guy” believes is the worst thing that could happen to them: to only be considered a friend and nothing more. Not a guy to screw or even a potential boyfriend, just a normal friend. Oh, the horror. All their niceness and pleasantness, wasted! I mean, if there’s no booty to be gotten, what else could possibly be there for the Nice Guy? All that is left is this girl who should now be derided as a tease and perplexing cunt who lead him on. How dare she not thank him for his kindness without removal of the panties? How mean. It’s like she saw the dude as a normal guy who had no ulterior motives they’d use conniving and manipulative methods for such as “be nicer than nice”.
The Nice Guy is only nice because they feel their only other method to get what they want lives out in a popular Sublime song: “If it wasn’t for date rape, I’d never get laid.” Using the more passive method of just pretending to be a decent human being, when it doesn’t bear the fruits of labor they prefer, here comes the whining of the friendzone because apparently being a friend to someone is a terrible thing. On the other end of all this, the girl is being “f*ckzoned”, meaning the Nice Guy doesn’t see her worth as a person or who she is, just as a walking Fleshlight. This girl could be really cool and smart but if she’s not dropping her skirt, there’s not much worth to her in the eyes of the Nice Guy. That most truly is coldhearted and degrading thinking because the girl is not seen as a whole person anymore but a sex aid, she’s objectified.
So, what if all the guy wanted was casual sex? He can’t just up and approach women on the street because that’s street harassment. Can’t be overwhelmingly nice when he’s actually not because that’s trickery. Can’t ignore dissent and rejections of sex because that’s rape. What is a guy to do? Oh woe, how difficult it is to not be the gender that doesn’t have to be on the receiving end of all this crap.
How about…having better perspectives on sex, sexuality, gender and a little bit of restraint? Women are expected to restrain themselves and their desires to the point of developing neurosis over it so it’s not like guys can’t do the same. Yeah, society won’t really give guys a hand on containing their sexual desires via oppressive laws, gender ideas and cultural backlash that can even result in death but eh, it can be done, nonetheless. Look on the bright side, dudes! No one is threatening to slit your whore throat if you decide to abstain from sex! (If that last sentence didn’t make sense, now you know how girls feel just a little bit.) Instead, just develop more sex positive ideas and interact with people who believe the same and you may get to have a better sex life. If you’re going “Omg, look at that slut over there, why does her shirt have a cowboy on it? She just wants guys to look at her boobs and then get offended when they do,” girls start to mentally strike you off their “May want to bone” list because you just slid yourself at least 200 years back in time. Misogyny is not attractive and yes, it is really hard to find women to sleep with when you keep spouting hateful ideas about them and using subversive tactics that get discovered.
So, don’t be the Nice Guy, just be yourself. Seriously! If a girl digs you, she’ll let you know. If she don’t, she’ll let you know. If she can’t, just move on without delay.
Alright, this is the second to last post of this month’s series! Next week is “The Arts” version for the How Much Do You Love Me? series! That mean:
books!
videos!
sites!
For everyone to use! So many that I couldn’t list them all here! And thank you everyone for bearing with the chronic late postings for this month, how embarrassing!
Oh, and there are Black Witch Meet and Greet events! Check them out here for all the details
* I know some random dude is gonna say, “Guys get raped, too” and y’all are right, but you’re only about 3% of the pie (yes, keeping in mind that rape is under-reported for both genders). As you read, switch to the appropriate gender in your head.
This piece is written by Angelica Temoche for the BW series “How Much Do You Love Me?” Normal postings resume in April.
I have found enthusiastic consent to be a litmus test of whether or not I’m going to have a great time in bed. Bad sex is definitely one of the most off putting, self-esteem damaging things that can happen in your day to day life. I have found that doing a quick personal inventory can steer you away from a lot of potentially negative sexual encounters and leave you with no regrets.
Comfort and Trust
This is paramount to having great sex. Sex is super anxiety-inducing; you are putting yourself in a physically and emotionally vulnerable position. Even if you enjoy those feelings of vulnerability it’s important to choose a partner that you trust won’t take advantage of you exposing your weak spots.
A big part of comfort is having self-confidence. If you’re not comfortable with yourself, you’re definitely going to experience discomfort with someone else. Get comfortable with your body, experiment, find out what you what you like and what you don’t. Know enough about yourself to know how to make sex good for you, regardless of the experience and skills of your partner(s).
Mental and Physical Attraction
Knowing what you are attracted to is a big part of finding what you need to get off. I don’t know about you, but I can’t really get enthusiastic about sex with a person I don’t find hot. Of course this can manifest in a lot of different ways. Physical attraction is the most obvious one, looking across the room and seeing the hottie with the rockin’ body. Visuals are usually the go-to for how we state our preferences, “I want someone with this eye color, this hair type, this height, etc.,” but other attributes can inform our attraction too. Smell is a big one for me, taste too, the taste of their mouth or their skin; strength, the way a person moves can also make up a person’s attractiveness to you.
However, on a completely different aspect I often find myself attracted to the way people think more than the way they look. I have definitely had a lot of sexual encounters that were extremely satisfying despite me not having a physical attraction to the person involved just because I was so enamored with their values or thought process. (This is more about whether I find a person interesting, rather than whether I think they are smart. A person who is really smart, but is a dull homebody with few interests isn’t going to wet my panties.) This type of encounter definitely takes more time though, especially if you are not a particularly open or candid speaker. If you are more interested in this type of attractiveness in a sexual partner you’ll have more luck among a group of people with the same niche interest or in the same subculture, rather than going to a local bar or club. For kinky people, sometimes being attracted to a person for their physical or mental attributes isn’t necessary. Sometimes all that is required is an appreciation of their dominance or submission; this goes to show how looking for partners within a more limited community can go in your favor. All types of attraction are legitimate and factor into whether or not you want to have sex with that person.
Playing Safe
O.K. we all know to wear condoms, or at least I hope you do, if not, here it is:
Safest: Don’t touch anyone’s bare genitals, don’t kiss anyone Next Safest: Wrap everything! Condoms are your best friends! Dental dams, toys in condoms, hands in doctor’s gloves when touching bare genitals/inserting into orifices.* Risky: Do what you do, sometimes sh*t happens in the heat of the moment. If this is where you are at, have another forms of birth control (hormones or implant), know where to get a Plan B pill, and be prepared to get tested regularly for STDs.
Now lets talk other kinds of safety.
Mental and Emotional Safety
Sex involves emotional and physical intimacy (that’s one of the things that makes it so great), so during sex you are more open to getting emotionally or physically hurt. Sex also has a tendency to bring up subconscious trust, abandonment, and intimacy issues without warning. Getting triggered during sex happens to the best of us. For this reason, it’s a great idea to have a safe way out, thus safewords! Some people have fun making up new safewords for every occasion, some people use the same ones each time. For regular sex, mine used to be “stop,” if you’re not interested in having a conversation about safewords and you are playing with a vanilla person, “no” and “stop” might be all you need. However, a strongly stated, “When I say ‘stop’ you will stop,” never went amiss for more hardheaded people. For kinky people, the stock set of safewords are “yellow” and “red”. Yellow means “slow down, that particular action or sensation isn’t working for me, move onto something else”, or “back off” if you’ve just upped the intensity. Red means a full stop, something has gone wrong and we can’t continue. Sometimes after a red you can talk it over to evaluate what happened and attempt the scene again, but it’s just as valid to not attempt the scene again and walk away. I rather like those safewords, even for non-sexual situations; and the conversation is even shorter, “Red and Yellow, o.k.?” And an enthusiastic nod or yes is is the go ahead. For more extreme situations where your partner can’t see your face or you can’t speak, make sure to have an agreed upon set of hand signals.
Learn to use your safewords. Yes, having them is a step in the right direction, but if you aren’t comfortable saying them, they are no use to you. If you need to, practice using them. Set an arbitrary boundary and have your partner push or break it, then bring the safeword out. Your partner will stop immediately, you’ve learned to protect yourself, and you’ve built trust together. Remember that safewords are for both partners, so practice both ways.
Actual Danger
In your sexual travels, people may ask you to engage in acts that are life or mental heath threatening. Some people can accept the level of risk involved in these acts. I don’t like being put in the position to hold someone’s life in my hands. For you, maybe the the act isn’t life-threatening, it just totally turns you off, squicks you out. In these instances, sometimes it’s nice to offer someone a simulation of that act. Dialing it back a few notches, verbally painting a picture of what they want done to them, rather than actually doing the risky act can satisfy both partners. Of course it’s always o.k. to say a definitive “no”, just be aware that if your partner is particularly attached to this act, they might seek it elsewhere. It’s important that sexual flexibility is there for both partners, so maybe you can each have a list of things that are, “hot to think about, but not necessarily to do.” Of course the thing that makes this simulation work is the idea that it’s hot to serve or please your partner, if you are not enthusiastic about that, don’t consent to simulating an act that scares or squicks you.
Communication: Asking for what you want
Know what you want. Ask for it. Fortune favors the bold. Know what you don’t want. Make your hard boundaries known before a sexual encounter. If you don’t have the ability to ask for what you want sexually, you probably shouldn’t be having sex. When I am sexually submissive, I get extremely quiet to the point where I can’t really make full sentences, so to me it’s very important to make my desires and limits known before a sexual encounter, and make sure that my partner will not deviate from a planned scene or try to negotiate for more during the scene. Just being in subspace (a kind of high on being treated submissively) can often make me willing to give an automatic yes, rather than actually thinking about it. This is where it’s important, if you are topping a person, to make them fully present when you are asking them something important. (If you don’t get quiet during sex, good on you. Your partner will know what feels good to you and what doesn’t from what you say and the sounds you make. Both ways are fine, but being vocal makes it much easier on your partner.) Make a joke, change the music, give them something to get out of their head if you need them to make a real decision. Likewise, don’t ask them important, consent-giving questions when they are coming down from a scene in aftercare. Be aware when you are getting automatic consent, rather than enthusiastic consent. You always have the ability to stop things and safeword out if you need to.
Inhibitions can be good
Don’t drink and screw. Inhibitions keep us from doing things we are going to feel bad about later. So if you want to escape future guilt, avoid having sex while under the influence of drugs and alcohol. Just wait it out until the effects have passed. Make it a personal principle to say “no” when under the influence. Likewise, don’t screw drunk people, they are going to be uncoordinated and off their game. You deserve the best sex a partner can give you so wait until they are sober. If you can’t have sex unless you are on something, you should see a doctor. In a scenario where you are sober, and your inhibitions are in the way of you having great sex, make sure they are personal misgivings rather than cultural or social ones. Thinking, “I shouldn’t do this, my roommate might think I’m a slut tomorrow when she sees me in the same clothes” isn’t really a valid reason not to have sex while thinking, ”I’m not going to have respect for myself tomorrow if I do this” is a valid one.
Relax and Have Fun
Ok, so have you gone through the checklist?
Am I comfortable with this person/these people? Can I trust them?
Am attracted to the person/people involved?
Am I safe? Can I accept the level of risk involved? Have I taken actions/ precautions to make this safer? What is my safeword?
Have I made it clear what I want and don’t want? Do I know what my partner wants?
Am I sober?
All good? Let’s have sex!
If you know the answers to these questions, it’s way easier to make a good decision about having sex. When you feel good about that decision you can relax, have fun, and enjoy your orgasm. You can also use this a guideline to evaluate past encounters and learn how to make future ones more enthusiastically consensual.
Have Fun and Happy Screwing,
-Angelica
Angelica Temoche is a well rounded artist, graphic designer and printmaker that strongly believes in being sex-positive and promoting self love. Check out her website Spiralred.com
Twyla couldn’t make it and I didn’t want to fill the series with my writing so here’s a video from Jay Smooth where he interviews Elizabeth Mendez Berry, who wrote the Vibe article “Love Hurts” about relationship violence and uses the incident Chris & Rhianna as an example.
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